Tamahome put his pajamas on clumsily and stepped into bed.

"ahhhh, so we’re finally gonna find the other seishi, call Suzaku and get rid of that stupid girl, Miaka…" he said with a satisfied sigh. "I wish I could just ditch her now, though…."

"oh, but you can!" said a friendly voice from the ceiling.

"who are you??" Tamahome asked the voice.

"I deliver an invitation!" he announced happily. "Nakago wants you to come and visit him for a while. Do you accept??"

Tamahome smiled excitedly. "you really mean it??! I can come visit??"

"yup."

Tamahome jumped out of bed. "you bet’cha I’ll go! Can we leave now??"

"sure!" the man said enthusiastically. "a taxi’s waiting outside."

"all right!" Tamahome cheered for joy as he jumped out of bed, scribbled a note of explanation to the other seishi, and ran (without even changing into some clothes) out of his room and into the taxi.

The next morning, Miaka was looking for Tamahome…

"Tamahome!! Tamahome!!! TAAAAMAAAAHOOOOOMEEEEE!!!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Hey cut that out!!!" Nuriko complained as he threw a dirt ball at Miaka and missed. "That’s annoying as hell!!!"

"oh, sorry," Miaka apologized quickly and went into Tamahome’s room. She was surprised when she saw Tamahome gone and a note in his place.

"wow!" she said, picking up the note. "I didn’t know he knew how to write!" she skimmed her eyes over the note and a smile filled her face. "hey! Good news, everybody! Tamahome went to stay with Nakago for a while!!!"

"WHAAAAAAT???" asked the remaining three seishi as they crowded around the note.

"yeah, he says he has the hots for screwy Yui, and is gonna stay there until we’re ready to call Suzaku…." Miaka explained. Chichiri pulled a bottle of champagne out of thin air, and Nuriko and Hotohori danced a tango.

"so that means we can take our time to find the other seishi then?" Nuriko asked, his speech slightly muffled by the rose in his teeth.

"no DUH!" Chichiri said with a gleeful laugh.

"well lets get goin’ then!!" Hotohori cried victoriously.

"ah-ah-ah", Miaka said as she shook her finger at him. "don’t you have to stay here and be the president or something?"

Hotohori glared at Miaka coldly. "you’re just saying that cuz you don’t want me to come along, right?"

"how’d ya guess??" Miaka said cheerfully with a pat on Hotohori’s head. "I’d rather go with Chichiri and Nuriko, even if they are an ugly lawyer and a psycho drag queen!"

Nuriko and Chichiri took one look at each other and immediately grabbed on Hotohori’s collar. "pleeeeeease, can we stay here in your place??!!"

Hotohori grinned at both of them. "do ya REALLY wanna rule this dump?? It sucks!"

"yeah, but ANYTHING’S better than going with that skinny little bitch!" Nuriko argued.

"look, I’ll tell ya what," Chichiri offered. "we’ll draw straws," he said, making three straws appear in his hand. "who ever gets the longest straw gets to stay and rule Konan, okay?"

"okay," Nuriko and Hotohori agreed, each taking a straw. Hotohori’s was about six inches long, and Nuriko’s was about eight inches.

"ha ha ha!! Mine is longer than yours!!!" he rejoiced in a sing-song voice as he danced around for joy and tripped on his own feet.

Hotohori looked down in embarrassment. "all right all right, just don’t tell anyone, okay?"

"So it’s decided then! I get to stay behind and rule Konan!" Nuriko said happily.

"not so fast!!" Chichiri commanded. "I still have MY straw to show…." He pulled the straw out of his hand….six inches…seven inches…eight inches…nine inches….he kept pulling and pulling on his straw. When it reached its two-foot mark, it turned into a pink scarf, and then a blue scarf, and then a purple scarf followed by a feather boa, a boa constrictor, and finally a white dove which he then released.

Miaka and the others clapped in awe as they watched the dove fly high in the sky and release some lovely fireworks which spelled out "no duh!" in the clear morning sky.

"well, it looks like I’M gonna rule Konan then; DUH!" Chichiri said smugly as he walked off towards the oval office with a little wave. "let my people know when you find Suzaku…we’ll do lunch," are his final words as he greets Hotohori’s secretary and closes the door with a wink.

"hmph!" Nuriko humphed with a toss of his hair that was now about shoulder-length. "I didn’t want him along anyway."

"well, I guess we’d better go and find the other seishi then…" Miaka said, a bit disappointed that the handsome Chichiri wouldn’t be accompanying her (even if his gorgeous face WERE just a mask…) she pulled out her handy-dandy calculator from Taiitsu-kun and punched in some numbers.

Nuriko and Hotohori peered anxiously over her shoulder. "so, where does it say we should go??" Nuriko asked impatiently.

There were a few seconds of silence as Miaka pressed the "equals" button. The light from the calculator’s mini screen reflected in her intense eyes as she read the answer. "NO WAY!!!" she cried triumphantly. "JUST AS I THOUGHT!!"

"well, what is it? Tell me! tell me!!" Nuriko demanded angrily as he tried to grab the calculator away from her. "are we supposed to go to the sea? Another country? The high lands? The low lands?"

Miaka smiled (still on a high) and showed Nuriko the calculator screen.

"what?? ‘nineteen’??" Nuriko asked confusedly, scratching his head. "that’s where we’re supposed to go?"

"no, silly!" Miaka said in annoyed tone, slapping Nuriko’s powdered face. "that’s what nine plus ten is. Ever since my last math test, that problem’s been haunting me. now at last I can rest in peace, knowing the true answer!!!"

Hotohori sighed in exasperation. "Tha’s nice, but where the hell are we supposed to go to find our next seishi?"

"oh, I’ll find that out…" Miaka said as she hastily punched in some more numbers. "ah ha!! We have to go underground!"

"UNDERGROUND???" Hotohori and Nuriko demanded in unison.

"But I’ll be scared!" Hotohori complained.

"I’ll get lost!" Nuriko complained in the same tone.

"don’t worry. This calculator has a built-in compass in case we get lost," Miaka said reassuringly. "and it also has a ‘hot-cold’ function."

"What’s that?" Nuriko asks, peeping his head out from behind a bush.

"if we’re close to a seishi, the calculator says ‘hot’, and if we’re far away, it’ll say ‘cold’. Lemme just turn the button on…" as soon as Miaka pushed the button, it immediately peeped out in a meek electronic voice: "Hot! Hot! Ouch!"

"there, you see??" Miaka said proudly. "we’re already close to a seishi. Let’s go!!" she cried excitedly as she took off running. Hotohori and Nuriko shrugged their shoulders and ran after her figuring they might as well get the search over with.

They ran around in circles a few times (passing a cave a few times, but not noticing.) wherever they were, the little voice piped out "Hot! Hot! Burning! Ahhh!!!"

"hey, Miaka…" Nuriko spoke up after hours of silence. "are you sure we’re going the right way? That calculator thingie of yours has been saying nothing but "Hot! Hot! Hot!" The whole time. But still haven’t found our next seishi. Don’t’cha think it’s broken or something??"

Miaka examined the calculator critically. "I don’t see anything wrong with it….here, why don’t you check it??" She suggested as she tossed the calculator at Nuriko. Immediately, the calculator screamed "ahhhhh!!!! Too hot! Too hot! I need some water!!!" Nuriko slapped his forehead.

"you stupid girl!!" he yelled in a shrill voice, throwing the calculator on the ground. "all that time it was saying ‘Hot! Hot!’ it was talking about me and Hotohori! We ARE seishi too, y’know."

Miaka scratched her head. "oh yeah, I didn’t think of that…" she turned her head to the right and finally noticed the cave that they had passed several times before. "hey! I think this is the cave we’re supposed to go in!" she cried happily as she ran in. once again, Hotohori and Nuriko followed her in blindly into the darkness. As they walked along in the darkness, the three could hear faint singing.

"hey, Miaka, are you sure this is the right cave?? It sounds like a party down there…" Nuriko said. Miaka ignored him, so Nuriko turned to Hotohori, who was popping a zit on his face. "hey, whatddaya think??"

"huh?" was his response as he left his blemish and picked his nose instead.

"oh, never mind. I guess we can at least get something to eat at the party…"

As the trio walked deeper into the cave, the music grew louder and louder, and it’s words could faintly be heard….

Oh we’re some fuckin’ bandits! And we’re so fuckin’ cool! We fuck all day and fuck all night, and fuck even at school! We steal from the fuckin’ rich and keep it for ourselves so we can eat shit-loads of food and store it on our shelves.

"ugh, what a vulgar song!" Nuriko complained as he covered his ears in disgust.

"I dunno though…" Miaka contemplated. "it has a catchy tune…" Nuriko had to agree with this, and danced a bit. Unfortunately, his dancing caused him to trip over his long dress and smash into a cave wall. The singing ceased immediately, and the three heard voices coming towards them.

"oh damn! Better hide!" Hotohori said in a cowardly tone as he headed for a boulder.

"oh no you don’t!" Miaka said, grabbing onto his sleeve. "our next seishi might be among them…"

"What the fuck??" asked the handsome leader of the bandits. "oh, we have some guests!" he announced to his followers.

Cries of "all right!" and "that’s fuckin’ cool!" sounded from the other bandits as the leader took Miaka’s bony hand and kissed it lightly.

"you are always fuckin’ welcome to stay in this fuckin’ cave if you want," he said in a friendly tone.

"oh thanks! You’re so fuckin’ kind!" Miaka said with true gratitude.

"hey, watch out, Miaka," Nuriko reprimanded his Miko. "their fowl language is rubbing off on you…"

"Aw, I don’t give a fuck," she said casually.

"yeah, leave her the fuck alone," Hotohori said as he followed Miaka into the party room.

Nuriko shrugged his shoulders. "oh hell, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em," he said to himself and then called out "hey! Wait for me, you fuckers!!!"

he caught up with his group and sat down at the long table to feast on the lovely dishes. Miaka dived in and gobbled up the food until she threw up, and then ate some more. Nuriko carefully picked out the foods that had too many calories, and Hotohori just drooled over all the belly dancers at the front of the room. Occasionally, an ugly man servant would pour them drinks.

"argh, Kouji, you dumbass! You didn’t refill MY glass!" complained one of the bandits. Kouji cringed at this use of fowl language and obediently poured the glass. "you’re such a sonofabitch, Kouji!" he complained.

Kouji cringed and said. "you wouldn’t be this way if Genrou were still here!! He wouldn’t tolerate all this fowl language an mistreatment of women!" he said bitterly, indicating the belly dancers at the front of the room.

"Aw shut the fuck up!" complained the leader as he slapped Kouji’s head. "just go and wash the dishes."

"yes sir," said Kouji dejectedly as he left for the kitchen.

The leader leaned into Miaka and whispered in her ear. "by the way, you can sleep in my room tonight…just the two of us. Does that sound okay to you?"

Miaka grins. "okay, but I’d like to know your name first…" she said, playfully fingering the handsome man’s chest.

"Eiken," he answered in a seductive voice.

"well, Eiken…" Miaka said, matching his seductive tone. "what are we waiting for? Let’s go to bed early."

Eiken grins. "woman, you’re fuckin’ cool. I love the way you think…" Eiken stands up and motions for Miaka to follow him. "men, please excuse us…." He says as he walks Miaka upstairs.

"hmph, lucky Bastard…" said one of Eiken’s followers, for he had a pretty good idea what Eiken and Miaka were going to do…

Eiken tosses Miaka onto his bed and mounts himself on top of her. "so, how do you want to start?" he asked.

"I’ll just follow your lead," Miaka suggested as she relaxed into his bed.

"all right then…how’s this for a start?" Eiken asks, ripping off her clothes.

"good start…" Miaka agreed, nibbling on his ear, while taking his shirt off.

"oh, whateveryournameis, I looooove your sickly thin body!" Eiken sighed as he ran his hands along her.

"and you have such a nice—"

"Eiken!" yells one of his men as he bursts through the door.

"ah shit! What the fuck are YOU doing here??" Eiken demanded.

"we wanna piece of the action too!" complained another handsome bandit.

Miaka smiled shyly. "oh, don’t worry boys, I can handle you all at once…" at this invitation, the men all ripped their clothes off and headed for Miaka.

"hey! Wait one fuckin’ minute here!!" complained Eiken. "I was supposed to fuck her first!! Get the fuck away!!"

"Aw come on! We wanna fuck her too!" complained one.

"well you can just go and f*** yourself!!!" Eiken yelled back. He clamped a hand over his mouth. "what the f*** just happened??" he wondered anxiously. He looked over at the naked girl lying on his bed. Little black boxes were covering her private parts. "oh d***! It can’t be…."

"oh yes it can!!!" said a squeaky British voice triumphantly.

"Oh s***, it’s you…"

"you thought you could get away with so much profanity in a novel??" asked the squeaky British voice again. "and treating such a wonderful creature, a WOMAN, in such a dirty manner!! That’s something, that I cannot forgive!!" the man emerged from the shadows. He was skinny as a shoestring and had a face that not even a mother could love. The only redeeming feature of his face was a set of perfect teeth. He wore an old suit with at least ten different "awareness ribbons" on his lapel. He walked up to Miaka, carefully shielding his eyes from her "nakedness" and threw a blanket on her.

"were these evil men abusing you?" he asks apologetically. "I’m so sorry your rights were violated. I’ll never let it happen again."

"but I wanted to f*** these men!" she said indignantly.

"now, you don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m fighting for women’s rights and I’ll be sure no dirty man ever tries to do anything with you anymore."

Nuriko and Hotohori, having heard the commotion, had gone upstairs and saw the current situation.

"d**********m, Miaka, what the h*** happened??" Nuriko asked, confused even as he asked this question. "hey, why the f*** is something beeping?? It’s not your s***ty calculator, is it, Miaka?"

"I don’t know!" she insisted. "as soon as this dumba** showed up, peoples’ speech has been censored…"

"That’s correct," said the Brit proudly. "I’m on a campaign of censorship in literature and movies. Too many people, young and old, are exposed to this fowl language, violence, and sex, and it’s just not right for society! Women are also discriminated against. They don’t get equal pay for equal work (even though they’re just plain better than men anyway), and they often face sexual harassment. And if their rights are violated by a perverted man, they’re not even allowed to chose to abort the unborn child! Our environment is also threatened by right-wing extremists! We must do something about it!" he finished, proudly displaying all his lapel ribbons for all to see.

Nuriko turned shakily to Hotohori. "this is terrible," he whispered with chattering teeth. "the next Suzaku seishi is a….a….a liberal!!!" he whimpered into Hotohori’s chest, and Hotohori tried to comfort him.

"Now now, Nuriko, we’re not quite sure he’s a Suzaku seishi…"

"just look at his arm!!"

Hotohori and Miaka looked and saw that yes indeed, the man bore a glowing red word on his arm.

"no way!! YOU’RE a Suzaku seishi???"

"yes, I am Tasuki," he said with a little bow.

"what does your symbol say??" Miaka asked, getting closer to the man.

He shied away and covered his arm. "Oh, you mustn’t find out. It’s far too vulgar."

"Genrou!!!" Called out a cheerful voice.

"Kouji!!" Tasuki called back as he hailed his friend.

"how’ve you been??" Kouji asked his friend with a hug.

"oh, I’ve been just peachy, Kouji!" Tasuki said with a cordial smile.

"where have you been??"

"oh, I just came back from a deficit-spending awareness conference," he said, proudly pointing to the dollar bill folded into a ribbon on his lapel.

"oh, I’m sure it must have been positively inspiring!!" Kouji exclaimed happily.

"yes, but now I have returned to help my fellow Suzaku seishi," he said with a friendly smile to the three.

"what if we don’t want your kind of s*** to come along with us??" Miaka grumbled.

"don’t worry, fine lady," Tasuki said with a deep bow. "I’ll be sure that you get the respect you deserve."

Miaka scratched her head and pulled her clothes back on. "well, okay….I guess we don’t have a choice…"

"ooooh! I’m soooo glad!" Tasuki cried for joy as he rushed to give Miaka a helping hand off the bed. She accepted his help graciously and promptly fell once he let go of her.

"oh! I apologize!!" Tasuki said as he frantically offered her his hand again.

"Aw f*** it; just leave her on the ground where she’ll cause less damage," Nuriko said as he tripped over his dress as he walked towards the door.

"let me help you, pretty lady," Tasuki said, rushing over to Nuriko’s side.

"I’m a MAN, y’know," Nuriko said with a frown as he dusted his dress off.

"oh, I see, I see…" Tasuki said excitedly nodding his head. "don’t worry. I love and respect you just the way you are…"

Nuriko gave Hotohori an imploring look. "do we HAVE to keep him???"

Hotohori put a finger to his lips. "shhh, we found ‘im, so let’s just leave ‘im ‘ere until we get the other four seishi, ‘kay?"

Nuriko grinned as he understood the crooked President’s plan. "you’re finally getting some sense."

Hotohori blushed. "oh, don’ say that. I suck."

Miaka followed Hotohori’s lead, and while Tasuki was busy saying goodbye to Kouji, the three made a break for it out the window.

Tasuki finally let go of Kouji. "so, don’t worry, my friend. I’ll be back as soon as we find the rest of the seishi."

Kouji stifled his sniffles and turned a brave smile up to his friend. "I’ll try to manage."

"there’s a good lad," Tasuki said, patting Kouji on the head. "so now, I’ll just…" it was then that he finally noticed that his new companions had split. "oh gosh darn it all!" he complained. "hey! Wait up!" cried as he took off at a very slow speed after Miaka, Hotohori, and Nuriko.

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