The next chapter of this book doesn't really exist, because no one is really reading the book now. But anyway, Miaka got bored of her world, and decided to go back into the book. Her brother, Keisuke saw this, and said to himself "good riddance!"
Meanwhile in Konan Country, everything was peaceful. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, (like I said: everything was peaceful. Hotohori was in his office with his aides, planning out his campaign slogan...
"How 'bout 'vote for me, and all your troubles will bye-bye'?" Hotohori asked his aid.
"Naw, too fake. Everyone knows you're a crummy politician."
"Well, then how 'bout: 'I know I caint rule ya, but I can screw ya if ya want!"
"Perhaps a little too truthful".
"Aw, shit. Why don' you jes make one up?"
"If you insist. How about..."
"I'm back!!!" Miaka cried out as she landed on Hotohori's head.
"No, that's not the slogan I was thinking of." Hotohori's aid said.
"Oh god no!" Hotohori cried. "It's you again!!!"
Miaka giggled. "You just can't get rid of me! So what's everyone been up to??"
"Well, I've been working on my campaign, Tamahome's been celebrating your being gone with parties every day, and Nuriko's been dressing as a woman."
"No way!" Miaka gasped. "Everything's normal then?!"
"As normal as could be. Why the hell'd ya come back?"
"I was bored." Miaka confessed. "Plus, I feel guilty about leaving you behind. Just think: if we get suzaku out of jail, we can rule the world, and you won't have to work on your campaign anymore. Help me find the rest of the seishi, okay? We've got three out of seven, that means we only have two more to go! What'd'ya say?!"
"Uh, okay" Hotohori agreed. "But I'm goin' with ya. I hate staying behind and ruling my damn country!"
And so Miaka, Hotohori, and Nuriko set off to find the rest of the seishi. Tamahome preferred to stay behind and eat plates, however...
"Wow, Nuriko! is that you??" Miaka gasped as she saw Nuriko in a dress.
"No, it's whiskey", he answered in a drawl.
Miaka nodded. "When I get drunk, I do school work. isn't that scary??"
Nuriko shrugged his now thin shoulders. "As far as I'm concerned, you can go fuck a bitch".
Miaka turned to Hotohori and whispered. "Nuriko's being unusually cheerful today!"
"Aw, shet up, dumb shit", was all Hotohori had to say back as they walked into the village. They walked a long ways. Miaka tried to lighten up the trip by singing the 99 bottles of beer song, but as usual, the song did nothing but aggravate.
"Won’t you just shut the hell up???!!!" Nuriko complained as he weakly throttled the silly girl.
"Hmph. I was just trying to cheer everyone up," she argued, releasing herself from Nuriko’s weak grasp, and promptly falling over. "But now…" she began as she clumsily pulled herself off the muddy ground. "We have more important matters at hand!!" dramatic trumpet music began to play as a bunch of peasants suddenly ran into the midst of the threesome, and began a dance routine. Miaka then came out singing. She surprisingly had the most beautiful voice. She sung something to the effect that they had to go and find the rest of Suzaku’s illegitimate children, and Hotohori and Nuriko sang a duet and some nice solos too, and it ended with a big dramatic pose at the end. Applause echoed from nowhere, and the peasants disappeared.
"So," Miaka said. "Let’s go, okay?" Nuriko and Hotohori just stood there looking dumb. Miaka sneaked up to the president, and whispered in his ear. "Just think…if we managed to release suzaku from jail, you could be reelected, and could have all the girls you wanted…" Hotohori grinned mischievously at this new prospect. "And Nuriko, if you came with us, you’d restore your reputation as the gallant hero you are, and you’d have enough money to buy a lifetime supply of magic steroids!!" Nuriko’s pretty face lit up.
"Really???" he exclaimed. "I can get my heroic reputation back and a lifetime supply of steroids??" Miaka nodded. "Yippee!!!!" he cried, jumping in the air. "why are we just standing around then??!! Let’s go!!" he then tripped on the hem of his dress in his haste to get going.
"Stupid bastard", Hotohori scoffed under his breath. "Does he have to come along??"
"Sadly, yes", Miaka told him as Nuriko once again fell on his dress. "Remember, suzaku won’t come unless all seven seishi are there." The two pulled Nuriko onto his shaky bony legs, and walked down the hill that led to the rural area of Konan.
"Now, the way I see it", Miaka began. "Tamahome’s a magazine salesman, so he must not be that rich, right?" it was then that a big limousine drove up to the party of three, and Tamahome jumped out of it in a shinny tuxedo.
"Hey, you guys, what’s shakin’?" he asked as he put on a pair of snazzy sunglasses.
"Oh, uh", Miaka began. "We were just stopping by to say that we’re going to look for the rest of the seishi. I know you said you wanted to stay behind and eat plates, but, uh, ya wanna come?"
"Aw, really, do I have to????" he complained I was hoping I could just stay at home with pops and the others." Just then, 4 annoying little brats came running out of the house.
"Brother! Brother! Give us money, you fart head!!" they cried, tugging at his sleeve in different directions.
"Don’t mind them", he whispered to the crooked president, the clumsy anorexic and the wimpy transvestite. "They’re just sooo greedy. I wanna keep all this money to myself!"
Miaka was a tad bit exasperated. "Well, are you saying then that you don’t want to come with us to save the country??" Tamahome just grinned. "Fine!" she declared. "We’ll go without you, and come back for you later then!"
"Fine by me!" he said. "Saves me the trouble of protecting your ass!"
"Oh honestly!" Miaka said, all flustered as she stomped off with her two comrades.
"Well, uh, where to, Miaka?" Nuriko asked her.
Miaka stopped dead in her tracks. "Uh, I dunno…."
"Well, you’re our fearless leader!" Hotohori argued as he took a swill of bear, and scratched his butt. "Don’ look at me. Remember, I’ma dumbass."
"No, you’re an UGLY-ass", Miaka corrected him, and immediately laughed at her own joke.
Hotohori and Nuriko gave each other expressions of annoyance, and proceeded to walk randomly in the forest with Miaka. After they walked around in several circles, they finally came to a small building with a sign that read: "Chichiri (no duh!!) attorney at law…[and part-time party magician]".
"I’m tired!" Miaka declared. "Let’s go into that house and sleep!" Hotohori and Nuriko, with lack of a better plan, followed the girl into the mysterious house. It was very dark in there, but a small light source was coming from a corner of the room, and a deep male voice could be heard:
"Now, black 7, red 6…NO DUH!!!" he declared as he slapped the 6 on the 7, and dealt his next three cards. Seeing that there were no options left, and that the game was lost, he looked from left to right to see if anyone was spying on him, and sneakily drew a 5 of spades out of his sleeve and placed it on the previous red 6. "Well, duh!!" he said to no one in particular. "Of course I cheat in solitaire!! It’s the only way to go!!!"
"Um, excuse me?’ Miaka began.
"shhh, I’m working here, miss; no duh! Go away please!"
Hotohori reached behind himself, trying to scratch his butt, but accidentally scratched Miaka’s butt.
"Ah!! What the hell do you think you’re doing, you crooked president!!! I’m charging sexual harassment for this!!!"
Suddenly the mysterious man turned around in his chair. "Anyone need a lawyer??" he asked hopefully. He was a man of average build and, a rather attractive face. He sat intently in his chair, and twiddled his fingers in excitement. "I’ve never lost a sexual harassment case yet!" he declared proudly. "Well, I am a lawyer after all; no DUH!"
Nuriko turned to the president and clutched his shoulders in terror. "do we have to stay here?? He gives me the creeeeeeeps!!!"
The man stepped up to Miaka and put his arm around her friendly. "So, tell me the details. Just where did he touch you?"
Miaka opened her mouth to speak, but Hotohori cuffed a hand sharply over her mouth. "As a matter of fact, we wer jes leaving!!" he said, dragging Miaka out of the house, and Nuriko gladly retreating behind.
"Hey, Come back here!! I can tell you’re hiding something from me. No duh!!" The man screamed after their retreating figures. "hmph!" he sighed in annoyance. "I’ll have to pursue them…" He found his top hat, and cane, and walked out the door. "Well, what else were you expecting me to wear? I am a part-time magician after all; no duh!"
Meanwhile, Hotohori panted by a lake in the woods and dropped Miaka on the ground.
"And just what the hell was THAT all about, you gigolo??!!" she demanded.
"It wuz an accident! I promise it was!!" Hotohori insisted "I just wanted to get away from that crazy lawyer guy!!"
"Well, thank God we made it!" Nuriko declared as he slumped down on a rock and took out a nail file.
"So now what do we do??" Miaka asked no one in particular. As if on cue, no one in particular emerged out of the bushes, and grabbed Miaka.
"Make a move, and she dies!!!" he threatened. Nuriko and Hotohori looked at each other, and immediately broke into a fast-moving dance.
"Don’t be a smartass!!!" he commanded and blasted the two with some nifty green energyTM. The evil villain guy was about to escape when the same guy from earlier showed up with his magic wand. He pulled his top hat off, and out of it emerged a cute little bunny rabbit.
"It is I, Chichiri!…no duh! After him, Sparky!!" he commanded. The cute little bunny sprang into action, and proceeded to dismember Miaka’s attacker. "You’ll never get away with this!! [no duh!] you evil evil-doer, you!!" Chichiri stepped over the mangled corpse of the guy and shook Miaka’s hand. "I never really introduced myself, duh! I’m Chichiri, esquire, outstanding attorney at law, and part time magician!" he said, pulling a quarter from behind Miaka’s ear. Miaka looked un-impressed.
"You’re not doing that right. Here, let me show you…" she said, fumbling around in her dress for a quarter. "You have to conceal it more with your thumb…"
"Shut the hell up! Stupid damn girl, what do YOU know about magic?!" Chichiri demanded. As he said this, Miaka noticed a red light coming from his pants. She stared, and reached to touch his knee. "Now what are you doing??" Chichiri demanded.
"I just noticed you had a red light coming from your pants…" she said, rolling his pants leg up.
"Damn…"Chichiri said to himself. "My glowing condom lights up in the strangest situations…"
Miaka uncovered Chichiri’s knee, and found a tic-tac-toe-looking symbol on it. "Wow! You’re a suzaku seishi? Is this your symbol??" she asked excitedly. "No, duh! That’s a tic-tac-toe game! I got bored one day. My symbol’s on my other knee." Miaka uncovered his other knee, and on it was inscribed…
"Smart-ass?" Miaka read. "You’re a suzaku seishi!! I can’t believe it!!"
"No duh!" Chichiri said in an annoyed tone. "Jeez, you’re even dumber than my ex-wife!!" he said, foreshadowing events to come later in this story…
"Well, let’s get out of this scene!!" Nuriko proposed, standing up. "This is too boring." [go Nuriko!]. And at that, they marched blindly into the next chapter…