Miaka had a very pleasant sleep, despite the roach episode the night before. The same, however, could not be said for poor Tamahome, who stayed awake all night long sulking.
"Hey, Tama-HOME!!!" Nuriko called, slapping Tamahome on the shoulder, causing the frail man to fall. "Whoa, what's wrong with you man? You looked as though you haven't slept!"
"I haven't" Tamahome answered back.
"Well why not???" Nuriko sat down and put his arm around Tamahome.
"What the heck are you doing?" Tamahome looked down at Nuriko's arm on him.
"Aw come on!! Can't a guy be friendly to another guy without his sexuality being questioned???" Nuriko complained. "Well, if that's the way you feel about my help, you can do without it for all I care!!" Nuriko began to walk away, waiting for his reverse psychology to kick into Tamahome's dense head.
"Wait!" Tamahome pleaded.
Nuriko turned around. "Yeeeeees?...."
"Actually, you're my problem."
Nuriko was amused. "A lot of men say that. Half of them complained because I altered their sexual desires with my tremendous looks, and the other half complained because I stole their girlfriends. But seeing as how you don't have a girlfriend, I assume you're mad because I turn you on." Nuriko's face lit up. "Yes, that explains why you felt uncomfortable when I just put my arm around you, oh, Tamahome, come out of the closet! After all, there are several gays here in Konan.....3, to be exact."
Tamahome's face turned bright red. "I'm not gay!!"
"Well then what's the matter?"
"You're interfering with Miaka and I!"
Nuriko chuckled. "Oh, is that all? I was worried there for a second." Nuriko sat down next to Tamahome again. "So, you love Miaka, eh?"
Tamahome looked down. "Yes."
"Well then, I'll back off. I didn't really like her anyway."
Tamahome looked up. "You mean to say that that was all an act???"
"Hey, what can I say? That's how it is with all women I sleep with. I don’t really care about them. I loved one girl once, but that's all over. Now I just screw them instead."
"He's even more of a pervert than I thought!" Tamahome thought to himself as Nuriko got up.
"You see, Tamahome, to tell you the truth...Miaka's an idiot."
Tamahome shot up. "What did you say???"
"Calm down! Calm down! You see, you're an idiot too. You two would make a perfect couple! So I'll help you get fixed up with her....."
Tamahome's face brightened. "You mean it???" Nuriko nodded. "OH thank you! thank you! thank you!" Tamahome got down on his hands and knees and bowed down to Nuriko.
Nuriko closed his eyes, and spoke softly. "For a price."
Tamahome stopped kissing Nuriko's feet. "For a price??"
"Hey, I don't do kind deeds for free, you know, and frankly, I couldn't care less if you two didn't get together."
Tamahome gave in. "Well, what do I have to do??" Nuriko grinned
"Meanwhile, in the white house, Hotohori was facing a dilemma'" Yui cut off. "Oooh, finally a plot in this story!!"
"So you see, Mr. President," Hotohori's adviser said to him. "This Suzaku no Miko girl isn't very good for your campaign. If she wins the respect of the people, they won't want you as president anymore."
Hotohori scratched his stubby chin. "Well, I'm dum. Tell meee wha to do."
His advisor grinned at Hotohori's gullible character. "There's a famous retired gangster just a couple miles down, named Taiitsu-kun. She probably knows of a way to get rid of Miaka, send her back to her world." Hotohori thought a minute.
"All right. We'll take 'er to Tight-skin to get fixed."
"Brilliant idea, Mr. President. We'll start the journey right away." The president's advisor grinned evilly as Hotohori proceeded to read his porn magazine, and he made the arrangements to see Taiitsu-kun.
Meanwhile, Miaka was getting dressed, when she heard a knock on her door. "Who is it??" She called out. "You’d better not be that damn roach from last night!!"
Tamahome peeped his head through her open window. "It's just me. Can I come in??" Miaka sighed.
"Okay. Just a sec." she finished putting her clothes on, and let Tamahome in the room. "Okay, what do you want, and make it fast."
Tamahome nervously twiddled his fingers in his lap. "I-I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about how dumb I acted last night. I was a real jerk."
Miaka grinned. "Oh, that's okay. After all, there are many stupid people in this world", Miaka replied, as she proceeded to put her pajamas in the ice box. She picked up a banana, and began to style her hair. "I've gotten used to how stupid some people can be." Tamahome looked at her strangely, trying to figure out what was wrong with the picture, when they heard a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Tamahome asked.
"The most handsome, desirable babe-magnet in the world!!" came the answer.
"Oh, come in, Nuriko." Tamahome answered with just a hint of disappointment in his voice. "What do you want?"
"Oh, it's not what I want, but what the President wants." Nuriko replied, with a flirtatious glance towards Miaka. "He wants all the suzaku seishi, and suzaku no Miko to go to the white house, to discuss finding the other four seishi."
Miaka discarded her banana, and stood up. "Okay, we'll go over now."
"Suzaku no Miko, Tamahome, and Nuriko went to Hotohori's white house, to discuss plans..." Yui began to fall asleep as she read this. "Dammit! How boring can this chapter be???" She flipped ahead a few pages, and picked up her reading from there. "Suzaku no Miko, Tamahome, Nuriko, and Hotohori set off on their journey to find Taiitsu-kun, not telling Miaka of their plans to dump her as soon as they arrived there. The budding romance between Miaka and Tamahome was fading...." Yui cut off. "I wonder how that happened?? Oh well." Yui continued to read. "The party of four stopped off by a stream to rest. Hotohori and Tamahome were off about a mile away, while Nuriko and Miaka were skinny dipping in a near by stream..."
Miaka splashed Nuriko with water. "Ha, ha, ha! You're not so handsome now!" Miaka giggled as Nuriko attempted to re-style his messed up hair, as he did this, Miaka noticed his arm muscles fluctuating in an odd way.
"Hey, Nuriko!" she said to him. "Your arm muscles are fluctuating in an odd way!"
Nuriko examined his throbbing arms. "Oh shit!!!" He cried as he jumped out of the river, and dove into his suitcase. He fumbled around for a while, tossing things carelessly over his shoulder, until he found what he was looking for. A jar full of some sort of drug. "Must not lose my strength! Must not lose my strength!" He kept mumbling to himself as he hastily took a few of the pills.
Miaka crept up behind him. "Whatcha doin'??" She asked him.
Nuriko whirled around, noticing that he was discovered. "Fuck! did you see anything??"
"No, Nuriko, I did not see you taking steroids." Miaka stuttered.
"Oh, @#$@#%!!! I just knew someone would find it out eventually!! Dammit! now no girls will ever like me anymore!" Nuriko collapsed on the ground, and to Miaka's amazement, he began to sob. Miaka sat down and put her arm on him.
"I'm sorry Nuriko. I won't tell anyone you're on steroids." Nuriko looked up, his face anxious.
"Really, Miaka???"
Miaka nodded her head. "I mean, what would I have to gain from it? All I could do is blackmial you and make lots of money. Now why would I want to do that??" Miaka questioned slyly. Nuriko growled at her. "Oh just kidding." she said as she patted Nuriko on his head. "Just remember, you owe me one!" and with that, she slipped her clothes back on and went off to find the others.
"Meanwhile," Yui read, " while Suzaku No Miko was looking for Hotohori and Tamahome, they were wandering alone in the forest, lost..."
Hotohori, Tamahome, Hotohori's secretary, and Nuriko's dancing girls came to a cross roads with two signs. One to the left said "bat cave, beware.", and the other one said "Taiitsu-kun's house. Welcome."
Hotohori picked his nose. "Which way'do weee go??" he asked as he took some of Brandy, and drank some booze too.
Tamahome snorted at Hotohori and his secretary. One of Nuriko's dancing girls, meanwhile, was giving him flirtatious glances. Tamahome tried to show off. "I think this way!" he said, pointing in the direction of the bat cave.
Hotohori clumsily clapped his hands. "Oh boooy!! Let's go then."
"Meanwhile meanwhile", Yui read on read on. "Taiitsu-kun, the infamous gangster was spying on Suzaku No Miko from her surveillance camera..."
"Hey there, girl, you’re sure a pretty little thing there ", she told Miaka through the TV set. "Now les' just see how dumb you are!" Taiitsu-kun proceeded to set out a banquet to draw Miaka to her. Meanwhile, Miaka smelled the food.
"Eeeeeww!!" she shrieked. "Food! How evil! I'll turn into a blimp!" she took off as fast as she could, right into one of Taiitsu-kun's animal traps.
"Oh well," Taiitsu-kun thought to herself. "It doesn’t matter how you do it, just as long as it gets done." She then had two of her illegitimate children take Miaka to a tiny dungeon. Miaka was oblivious to all that was going on, due to the shock of seeing food, so she just lay there peacefully while Taiitsu-kun plotted. "The only way that I can get to rule the world is to lead the stupidest group of people possible to the gangster of their area. Then I can just take their wishes away! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!" Taitsu-kun cackled in a beautiful young voice...
"Now wait a minute here!!" Yui stopped reading. "I thought she was old!" Yui shrugged her shoulders and read on. "After Taiitsu-kun stopped her evil scheming, she proceeded to screw a wombat..." Yui remembered this line from earlier. "Ah ha! That's where that line came from!"
Taiitsu-kun then made a fake Miaka who acted the exact opposite from the one we know. She was food crazy, a little clueless, and sweet, and above all, she loved Tamahome. This new Miaka went off to test the President and Tamahome so that if they were stupid enough, they could go and get the rest of the seishi....
Hotohori, Tamahome, and the dancing girls were wandering through the bat cave. "Miaka! Miaka!" Tamahome called. "Oh, where could she be??" he said in an exasperated tone.
"Ah, don' worry 'bout it," Hotohori drawled. "We want to take her to Tight-skin to get rid of 'er, so why don't we jus' leave 'er 'ere in the woods?"
Tamahome's face lit up. "Of course! that's it! we don't need to go wandering around in this bat cave, let's just ditch Miaka here!" And with that he took off and ran into a wall.
"Oh no! Tamahome's hurt!" came a cry from the cave entrance. Much to Hotohori’s surprise, Miaka came running up to Tamahome and flung her arms around him.
"Ah, get away from me!" Tamahome mumbled.
The real Miaka, who was locked up, saw what was happening. "Yeah, get away from him!!"
Miaka choked Tamahome. "Oh good!! You're safe!!! I was so worried about you, Tamahome!" Miaka cuddled Tamahome so hard that his circulation was almost cut off.
"some-body....help...meee", he managed between gasps. Tamahome was about to give up, when a trumpet fanfare sounded, and Nuriko dashed into the room wearing a red cape.
"Never fear, Nuriko is here!" he called out.
Miaka looked up from her handy work, and grinned sweetly. "That's pretty big talk for someone on steroids." she said slyly. Nuriko gasped.
"What's this I hear??" one of his dancing girls demanded of him.
Nuriko blushed. "Uh, nothing really. She's lying, it's uh, candy! yeah! that's it!" Nuriko's dancing girls began to walk away. "No really! believe me please!!" but no one was really listening to him. Nuriko dropped to his knees and wept bitterly, as the fake Miaka walked up to him, and reached in his pocket.
"And here", she said as she removed his pills. "Are the little magic pills." Opening the jar, she emptied the contents down into a stream in the cave. They instantly dissolved and bubbled, and now Nuriko really had something to cry about, but instead, he responded differently...
Nuriko growled and pounced on the fake Miaka. "You little bitch!!!" he screamed as he thoroughly beat the living hell out of her. Tamahome cheered him on, and Hotohori's secretary did a little dance routine.
Yui looked up from the book. "Now this is interesting...too bad it's not the real Miaka."
Taiitsu-kun was also very interested. "They know that this girl is the only way to rule the world, yet they still want to get rid of her. Impressive." she turned to her illegitimate children. "Nyan-nyan", she said to them. "I think we've found our group." In the dungeon, the real Miaka was released, and Taiitsu-kun teleported to the cave.
Meanwhile, in the cave, Nuriko was almost finished with the fake Mika. His muscles were almost gone, but he still had enough strength to deliver the fatal blow. "And now..." he said, picking up Miaka by her hair. "The fatal blow!" his fist went straight through her, and into the wall of the cave. "OUCH!" Nuriko yelped. He looked around. "hey, where the hell'd Miaka go??!"
"She's been with me all the time." a young female voice said. Out of the shadows emerged a beautiful young girl with black hair. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Taiitsu-kun. The ex-head mobster of the whole world." Miaka stepped out of the shadows. "As you can see, Miaka is safe."
"Aw shit", said Nuriko.
Taiitsu-kun continued. "I know you're not too happy about your Miko, so I've decided to put her back in her world, and exchange her for someone else." She stopped and looked at Miaka. "If it's okay with you, that is."
"Oh, yeah, it's okay with me. I'm getting bored of this book anyway." she said.
Taiitsu-kun closed her eyes. "Very well, then." she then murmured akd;hklghiu aiueigh iaegash lkfjasdgkhkl!!!!!
"...and with that, Miaka dissolved", Yui finished the chapter. "Huh, that's the end? but there's so many more pages lef--" a flash of light blinded Yui, and she woke up in a rural area. "Huh, where the hell am I??" she wondered, until she realized the truth. "Oh shit! I'm in the book!"
Miaka re-materialized in the janitor's closet at school, and heard disco music. "What? I didn't know we had a dance today." she said, as she picked up the book, and walked outside.