"Suzaku no Miko was having a bad dream," Yui read on , in the janitor's closet.
Miaka tossed and turned in bed. "Please, no! Don't feed me food!! I'll explode!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" she awoke with a start, to find Tamahome next to her, holding her hand. "What the hell are you doing here???"
"You were having a bad dream!" Tamahome defended himself. "I just came to comfort you."
Miaka rubbed her head, and contemplated her dream. "I wonder where that came from?? Must've been the vodka". She concluded, as she proceeded to get up. Tamahome twiddled his hands nervously, and shakily began to talk.
"Actually, "he said, his voice cracking. "I just wanted to be with you!"
"Huh?"
Tamahome ran up, and threw his arms around her. "Miaka, I, I--"
"Goooooood Mornin' all!!!" came Hotohori's joyous voice, as he slammed the door into Tamahome. "How 'ya doin' Miaka??"
"Just fine." Miaka said, glad of the diversion. "I was just wondering though...what exactly does suzaku no Miko do???"
"She becomes my love slave!!!" Hotohori yelled with joy. Blank expressions appeared on Tamahome's and Miaka's faces. "Well, not really. just kidding. What you really do, is look for the rest of the seishi of suzaku, while opposing the opposition, and then break Suzaku out of jail, and rule the world!.....that's all, really."
Miaka clapped her bony hands together. "Goody! Goody!" she cried. "Let's start now!!"
"That's the spirit!!" Hotohori exclaimed, as he clumsily ran into a wall in an attempt to leave the room. He peacefully lay unconscious.
"Tt!" Tamahome said. "Good riddance." He then ran outside. "Miaka! Miaka!!"
"What?" she turned around.
"Aren't you going to get dressed??" Tamahome asked. Miaka looked down at her scantily clad body in embarrassment.
"I'll bet you would have let me go out into the village like this, wouldn't you!!!" she accused him.
Tamahome's face turned bright red.
"After Suzaku no Miko was ready," Yui read on. "She and Tamahome went out to look for the rest of the seishi of Suzaku..."
Miaka approached Hotohori's guards. "Our wonderful president, Hotohori, has deemed me Suzaku no Miko!" She announced. Several mumbles of "so what?" and "who the hell cares?" rang out from the crowd. "Hello, pay attention!!!" Hotohori emerged from his knock out, and silenced the crowd.
"She's not lying!" He announced. "She is Suzaku no Miko!! Now, if any of you have a red word somewhere on your body, please step forward!!" The whole crowd stepped forward. "Aw, come on!!" Hotohori pleaded. "It's impossible for all of ya to be seishi!!" He turned to Miaka. "Miaka, you must test them to see if they're genuine."
Miaka looked surprised. "What do I have to do???"
"Just insult them. If they get mad, and symbols don't glow, then they're not seishi."
Miaka nodded her head, and addressed the crowd. "Hey, you people suck!!!" the crowd was astonished. "You're just a bunch of assholes with no lives! You know what, yo' mamma's so fat that the only thing keeping her from Jenny Kraig was the door!! " Several angry men and women advanced towards Miaka. "Yo' mamma's so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone!!!" Miaka cried out triumphantly.
"Uh, Miaka", Tamahome tried to warn her of the angry crowd.
"Sh, not now, Tamahome, I know many more "yo' mamma" jokes!!" she whispered to Tamahome, just as the crowd began to chase her. "Ahhh!!! "she screamed in horror. " I think I overdid it!!!! HEEEELP!!!!!!!" she screamed as the crowd chased her towards a building.
"Miaka, you dumbass!!!" Tamahome yelled, as he ran after her. "Women are so much trouble!!" he complained as he ran through the crowd to Miaka. "Miaka!" he warned her. "Stay away!! Miaka!" Tamahome yelled, "Watch out!!" Miaka noticed the falling building, and gasped in horror. She squinted her eyes, and prepared to be smashed to death, but didn't feel anything. She opened her eyes, and found Tamahome lying between her and the building.
"darn!!" Tamahome managed. "You're so pig-headed!!!" Miaka was very uncomfortable with Tamahome's bad breath breathing on her, and his bony long nose poking into her eye.
"Tamahome", Miaka tried to say, but his lips fell on hers. Miaka wanted to shove him off, but she was trapped. "Oh man, " she thought to herself "What a way to go! Kissed to death by an ugly salesman underneath a government building!" From underneath the rubble, she could faintly hear Hotohori screaming for help.
Yui sat up with a start. She gasped for air, and felt her body being squished by an invisible force. "What the fuck is going on here?? Why do I feel like I'm gonna die??" She wondered, as she read on. "Hotohori was about to kiss his presidency good-bye, when a bright red Ferrari drove up, and ten dancing girls jumped out...."
"What the hell??" Hotohori wondered, as the girls began a song.
"He's come to you from another land! And we all think that he's really grand! Oh, any girl would love to hold his hand, He's Cory!!!!!! He is a man who has a winning smile He is a man who's really full of style He is a man on whom the girls will pile, He's Cory!!!!"
Whereupon, the driver of the Ferrari jumped out of the car. He was a very handsome man, with a perfect body, and a slick purple hair style. He wore an open black leather jacket with no shirt on underneath, and tight-fitting black leather pants. Around his neck, he wore a trendy cross necklace, and over his eyes were some flashy metallic sunglasses. He smiled at the cheering crowd, kissed a few women, who promptly fainted, and strutted up to Hotohori. "Hey, baby, how's it shakin'?" he asked the president.
"Uh, I'm a man." Hotohori answered with difficulty.
"Sorry, man," Cory said back. "Gotta damsel in distress here, eh?"
"Huh?"
By this time, Cory was up to the fallen building. "Ah, I see. I poor girl is trapped under there. No problem!! Leave it to Cory the Magnificent!!" Smiling at the fainting women around him, he removed his sunglasses, and his jacket, exposing his firmly toned body. Flexing his huge muscles, he sighed. "I'm so wonderful, it's a sin!" He then proceeded to try to lift up the building, but was having apparent difficulty. He then paused, gritted his teeth together, and tried again. As he lifted the whole building off the ground, Hotohori noticed a glowing red word on Cory's chest. Cory removed the building, and set it aside, revealing Tamahome and Miaka, apparently making out. Cory put his hands on his hips. "Well, sorry for interrupting you guys. I had no idea." Miaka realized the whole town staring at her and Tamahome, and shoved him off.
"It's not what you think." she tried to explain. "He was just preventing the building from squishing me." Cory grinned at Miaka.
"That's what they all say." He said, as he began to put his jacket back on.
"Wait!" Hotohori commanded.
"What?" Cory asked. "Haven't got enough of my sexy chest?"
"No, I'm not that kind of man. It's just that you have a symbol on your chest."
"Oh, that!!!" Cory said offhandedly. "Yeah, I'm a Suzaku seishi", he said, bearing his word, "nice-ass", for all to see. My seishi name is Nuriko.
Several "oooh's" and "aaaah's" arose from the crowd, and, encouraged by these, Nuriko once again took off his jacket, and the murmurs rose to high-pitched sighs. Nuriko closed his eyes and smiled as several women clung onto his body. "Aw, come on then, ladies", he said gently. "There's enough of me to go around if you share." He tore himself away from the crawling females, grabbed Miaka, and kissed her passionately. Miaka tried to scream, but Nuriko's lips were pressed firmly against hers, and all she could manage was an "mmm" sound, which made it sound like she was enjoying it. Miaka didn't have to "mmm" for long. Tamahome, pissed that Miaka was being kissed by another man screamed out.
"Stop it at once!!!" he ordered, as he tried to tear Nuriko away from Miaka. Nuriko looked up from his handy work to glare at Tamahome.
"Why?" he asked coldly of Tamahome.
Everyone in the crowd stared at Tamahome to hear his pitiful excuse. "I, uh, um , just, uh..." Tamahome stuttered.
"He wants to know if you'll buy a subscription to Sponge Illustrated!" Miaka blurted out, saving Tamahome the trouble of saying he was in love with her.
"Ack, don't need it," Nuriko said off-handedly.
Tamahome put his face close up to Nuriko's and glared. "And why is that?? Got anything against my magazines??? HUH??"
Nuriko smiled back, and answered. "No. I already have a subscription." A hush rose above the crowd. So, this Nuriko guy wasn't so cool after all. "I find it soft, strong, and thoroughly absorbent", he continued, "though, of course, I'd rather just use real toilet paper." At this wise crack, the crowd bust up like a blown up condom.
"OH, ha ha ha! Nuriko!", one of his dancing girls laughed as she draped herself over him. "For a moment there, I took you seriously!!"
Nuriko grinned. "Hey, baby, easily forgiven....that is, if you're free this evening", he said, lowering his voice.
The dancing girl lowered her voice too. "Am I ever!!"
Tamahome, the crowd laughing at him still, looked with disgust on the pair. "Doesn't he have any dignity???" he asked aloud.
"I wouldn't let it bother ya," Hotohori said, with two of his secretaries fondling parts of his body that the author refrains from mentioning. "Some people in this world just have no self respect." Upon these words of wisdom, Hotohori went off to "discuss political things" with his secretaries.
"Now this is more like it!!" Yui cheered as she read this last page. "We're finally going somewhere here!!" Yui had a sudden thought. "Hey, I wish it were me in the book. Then I could have that stud Nuriko! There's no way in Hell that I'd go for that ass Tamahome, or that loser Hotohori!" Yui sighed at her misfortune, and read on. "Tamahome, upset about the incident with Nuriko, went back to the president's spare room and sulked. Later that evening, Miaka was washing her clothes..."
"Ah," Miaka sighed. "Finally the stains are all out. Well", she thought, removing her underwear, "I might as well wash it all..." She stopped in mid-sentence, for there, standing in front of her was....a roach. "EEEEEWWW!!! Get away from me you little bastard!!! I know what you were doing, you little terd!!" she accused the roach. "You were sneaking a peak at me with my clothes off, you..." she chased the poor little insect around the room, until Nuriko burst into the room with a trumpet fanfare.
"Never fear! Nuriko is here!!" he yelled gallantly, as he squished the roach. Nuriko walked up to the naked Miaka, and helped her off the ground. Miaka looked up at him. He was wearing a silk robe that exposed most of his chest. "I was watching you take your clothes off, and then I saw that perverted bug try to invade your privacy. Are you okay?" He looked concerned into her trembling eyes, and held her chin.
"Oh, yes. I'm fine now that you saved me from that peeping-tom." Nuriko stroked Miaka's breasts.
"Yes, you should watch out for perverted people like that who just want to touch a girl."
"Nuriko!!!!" came an angry scream from the room next door. One of Nuriko's dancing girls, wearing nothing more than a g-string stood in the doorway. "I'm waiting!!" she coughed loudly.
"Be there in a minute!" Nuriko called back. He turned back to Miaka. "Now, if some man is trying to take advantage of you when you have your clothes off, don't hesitate to call me so I can screw-- uh, help you." With a pat on Miaka's bare bottom, Nuriko left the room with his dancing girl.
Miaka stared happily after the brave man. "How sweet Nuriko is" she sighed, as she slipped into a robe. She was just about to go to sleep, when she heard a knock on the door. "Oh, who the hell is it???!!" she demanded.
"It's me, Tamahome.", came the reply. Miaka sighed and got up to the door.
"Just what do you want??"
"You", Tamahome said, embracing her.
"What the hell are you doing, dumbass??", Miaka asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing??" he asked back.
"Being an asshole."
"Being an asshole that loves you, you mean!!" Tamahome paused to let these words sink in. Miaka just stared blankly at him. "Ever since I met you, I've loved you. I admit, it was at first to get a sale, but that's all over. I love you Miaka! I don't care who knows either!!"
"Nice lines, dearie, but try them on a cow for all I care. Look, you're nice and all, but to put it lightly, you're a shit-ass."
Tamahome's face saddened. "You mean, you don't love me??"
"Let's just put it this way: I'd rather marry a roach than be with you. Good night!" And with that, she slammed the door in Tamahome's face. That strange disco music began to play again
"’All Tamahome could do after he was rejected was...SCREW A WOMBAT???’ Oh, whoops, skipped a few pages...’stand outside her door all night, and cry...’ what a dork!" Yui thought, as she finished chapter 2, and read on to chapter 3..