Preface: Any similarities between the reader and the characters are purely coincidental. Do not sue us if you turn up missing. It’s you own fault for reading this book in the first place…
Chapter 1: a girl from another world. (murders episodes 1 and 2 of the anime)
"I’m so fat!" Miaka Hadaka sighed as she slid through her desk in English class. "How could this cruel world present such a blimp as me?" she implored. The teacher, oblivious to Miaka Hadaka’s complaints went on with the lesson. Screwy Yui dropped her head, and began to write English profanities on her desk. The teacher stopped mid-sentence and accused Screwy Yui.
"What the hell are you writing on my desk??"
Screwy Yui slyly looked up from her work, without saying a word, and promptly threw the desk at her teacher and bolted out the door. The liberated students fled from the room. Miaka Hadaka slowly brought up the rear, only to collapse near the janitor’s closet. From within the thin door, she heard the cursing from Screwy Yui, and opened the door. "What the hell are you doing here???" Screwy Yui demanded of Miaka Hadaka.
"J-j-just hiding, like you", Miaka Hadaka replied nervously, as her wire-thin stomach growled. "Must not think about food…:" Miaka Hadaka told herself as she squinted her eyes and clutched her stomach.
"Well, it’s okay if you stay here with me, as long as you don’t make any noise." Screwy Yui warned her.
"Okay", Miaka agreed. As she proceeded to sit down, her bonny butt hit something. "Ouch!" she yelped.
"Shut the fuck up!" Yui commanded, as she reached to get the object that Miaka had sat on.
"What is it?" Miaka asked, as she rubbed her sore rump.
"The universe of the Four Frauds…" Yui read aloud slowly.
"Wow! That’s amazing!" Miaka Hadaka cried for joy. "I didn’t know you could read, Yui!"
Yui smiled proudly. "From the looks of it, it’s a porn novel…"
Miaka’s eyes lit up "really??!! Lemme see, lemme see!" she pleaded as she squatted next to Yui. Yui opened to the first page and began to read.
"Any similarities between the reader and the characters are purely coincidental. Do not sue us if you turn up missing…" Yui cut off. "What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" No sooner had she finished that question, than Miaka and Yui were dissolved in a beam of red light, and reappeared in an open field near a village. Yui rubbed her sore head. "Shit! That hurt!" then she looked up. "Where the hell are we??"
"Maybe we can help you…" said a voice. Miaka and Yui looked up to see three nice-looking young men in suits.
"You look like you’re new to this land," said another one. "Maybe we can help you. Just…
"Not so fast!" said a nasal voice. Miaka and Yui turned and looked at the source of the voice. He carried a small tote bag with several magazines, and he smiled with perfect glimmering white teeth. "You may not realize how much you could benefit by subscribing to…Sponge Illustrated!!!" as he said this, a glowing red word appeared on his head.
"Oh shit!" the third man cried out. "It’s that salesman again!! Run for your lives!!!" the men ran way like lightning, but all the two girls could do was gaze at the ugly salesman. He jumped down from his chair, smiled at the girls, and opened up his bag.
"Now, would you two lovely young ladies like to buy a subscription???" Yui screamed in horror and dissolved in a bunch of lights. In this diversion, Miaka had the sense to run away. The salesman scratched his chin. "Hm, first time that’s happened." Then he noticed Miaka’s disappearance. "Hey, wait!" he called.
"You don’t know what kind of an opportunity you’re passing up!! I’ll give you the first three issues free! NO, wait, the first five issues!!" he chased after the girl into the town. Miaka disappeared into the crowd and looked from left to right.
"Whew!" she sighed as she wiped the sweat from her brow. "think I lost him. That was the scariest experience I’ve ever had…"
"I’m sure it’s no where near as scary as being without a copy of Sponge Illustrated!!" the nasal voice said as the smiling white teeth appeared before her. Miaka screamed in terror.
"Look here! I don’t want any! Just leave me alone!!"
"No, you look here. You don’t even know what I have to offer you!!" he pulled a magazine out of his bag, but was too slow, for Miaka had already escaped. "Hey! Gimme a break!" he called, pursuing her. "Jeez", he said to himself. "She’s even harder than my last customer, but in the end, they always get a subscription…"
Miaka had made it all the way to the center of the town before she ran out of strength. "Ah", she managed between gasps of breath. "I think I lost him." She ducked into an alley way and began to walk slowly.
"There you are!" came a voice from the corner of the alley.
Miaka stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh damn! I thought I’d gotten rid of him!"
Three dark figures stepped out from behind the wall. "Hey pretty girlie, you look tired. Wouldn’t you like to come and sleep with us???"
Miaka gasped. "you’re those three men from earlier, aren’t you? I thought you were on my side!!" the men said nothing, but advanced towards her slowly like a pack of wolves. They were just about to rape her, when a voice interrupted them.
"Ah, found you again!! Wouldn’t you like to buy a subscription??" Upon the sight of this terror, the three men ran away, screaming their heads off. "Aw fudge!" the salesman swore. "why doesn’t it ever work with them???"
A sudden brush of realization came over Miaka. Hey, you just saved my life!"
The salesman looked around. "Who did??"
Miaka ran up to him and grabbed his arm. "You did, stupid."
The salesman questioned "I did?" the he suddenly deepened his voice and said more strongly. "Oh yes, I suppose I did. Well, it was really nothing," he said off-handedly the word on his forehead glowing.
"Hey, what’s that on your forehead?" the salesman moved some of his hair aside so Miaka could read the word. "it says ‘cheap-ass’??"
"I’ve had it since I was a child. Kids used to make fun of me, but I figured it was part of some kind of destiny, or something, so I don’t mind."
"What’s your real name?"
"Tamahome"
"You know what I’m gonna do, Tamahome?" Miaka asked him.
"What??"
"I’m gonna buy a subscription to Sponge Illustrated!!"
His face lit up. "Really??!" Miaka nodded her head. He picked her up and twirled her body around. "ooooh thank you!!" he exclaimed. He grabbed her face and gave her a big wet kiss.
"Hey," Miaka protested. "I said I’d buy a subscription, not that I’d marry you!!"
Meanwhile, Screwy Yui found herself back in the janitor’s closet at school. "Fuck!!" she exclaimed. "That sure was weird!" she reopened the book and read what had just happened to Miaka. "Lucky little bitch", she thought to herself. Then she read on. "The new girl stranger and the young salesman, Tamahome, walked together to go see the president about the strange word on his forehead…
"The president’s giving a speech here, so we’ll just wait until he’s done, and then ask him." Tamahome said. Miaka gasped at the sight of the man. He was a young man, but wisps of gray hair littered his dark brown hair He wore what looked like a ten-year-old shirt and a pair of holey bellbottoms. He spoke with a slurred drawl, obviously from the effects of a few too many at the local bar.
"And so, my fellow Konanians", he concluded. "Wereallly need t’do sumthin’ ‘bout this here national debt, but don’ look at meee fer help, cuz I ain’t no good. Bye." The crowd burst into applause.
"Brilliant!" Miaka heard a woman next to her exclaim. "He’s so full of passion!"
A skimpily-dressed woman next to her nodded. "You can say that again!" she returned, as she winked at the president.
Tamahome spat at the ground. "Disgusting!"
"What?" Miaka wanted to know.
"He’s an incumbent running for re-election. This is his 19th year as president."
"Gosh, how old is he??"
18", Tamahome replied. "C’mon, we have to catch up to him." Tamahome grabbed Miaka’s hand and dragged her to the president. "Mr. President!" he called out, but he president was too busy shaking hands to notice.
"Here", Miaka offered. "Maybe I can help." Then she raised her voice. "Oh dear, here I am! I young available girl with no sex life!! Whatever can I dooooo….." in a flash, the President was by her side.
"Oh, you poor littl’ girl!" he cried. "How awful! Don’ worry. Ole’ Hotohori’ll take care of ya!" he bent over to her and grinned. Miaka felt she was going to be sick.
"Mr. President," Tamahome protested. "This girl is mine!"
Miaka looked up at Tamahome with love. "Oh really? Thank you so much!!"
"However," Tamahome continued. "I’ll let you have her if you get a subscription to Sponge Illustrated."
Miaka exploded. "What the hell do you think you’re doing, Bastard??"
Tamahome bent down to her. "Shh", he whispered. "Trust me".
"But—" Miaka protested.
"So, Mr. President", Tamahome continued. "Ya wanna trade??"
Hotohori considered the girl, and the magazines, and walked away. "Even she ain’t worth it."
Tamahome’s symbol glowed brightly. "Now, you listen here, you, I am a patent man, I’ll never give up until I get a subscription from you!" Hotohori turned around to tell him off, when he noticed Tamahome’s glowing symbol.
"Oh my god! It cain’t be!!" he exclaimed. You one a da chosen ones, ain’t you??? Rad! This is my ticket fo’ re-election!!" he danced around with Tamahome. "Hey, why dontcha bring yo’ chick an’ dome wid meee to my pad? We can talk ‘bout this."
A sly smile lit up Tamahome's face. "Sure, we'll come with you, only if you buy a-" he looked down at Miaka's scowling face. "Never mind." he sighed.
"Hotohori, Tamahome, and the young girl traveled back to the President's house to discuss the matter of the symbols...." Yui stopped. "damn, this is boring!" She complained. She picked the book up, and continued to read. "After sobering himself, Hotohori began to explain the legend of the infamous gangster, Suzaku...."
"Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a gangster named Suzaku. He was a funny little man with a beer gut, a waxed mustache, and 7 illegitimate children. He ran a hot racket in Konan, that stole goods from Kuso, Shylow, and Flokkan, and sold them back at twice the price. His racket was going quite well, until he was caught. Quickly, before they could take him away, he bestowed upon his 7 children, a word each on a part of their bodies. Tamahome is one of them, and," he continued, pulling down his collar to reveal a large red hickey, "so am I." He looked down, and noticed the hickey. "Whoops, wrong side." He undid the other side of his collar, revealing the correct side of his neck with the red word ‘ugly-ass’ written on it.
"Wow!" Miaka gasped. "You're of Suzaku too???"
"Yes", Hotohori replied. "I'm just surprised that a stupid, ugly, good-for-nothing, drunk, corrupted politician such as myself could be a Suzaku seishi. But that's not what's important. It says in his autobiography that he wrote in prison, that a girl from another world would come and take his place, as leader of the 7 seishi, so his trade racket can start up again, and then once we have all 7 seishi, we can break him out of prison, and rise as the biggest mob in history!" Hotohori proclaimed with several grand gestures, resulting in several vases smashing on the hard polished floor.
"Hmm", Miaka thought to herself. "A girl, from another world will come and rise as the head gangster of the world. Sounds good to me." Then she spoke up. "Hotohori, I'll do it. I'll be your leader!"
Hotohori looked surprised. "Oh, you will?? Wonderful!" he pulled out a bottle of vodka. "Let's celebrate!!!" Out of no where, snappy disco music began to play, with a very catchy tune, as Miaka, Hotohori, and Tamahome celebrated.
"What the hell is going on??" Yui wondered as she heard the music. She then noticed she was at the end of the chapter.