In this point in time....I have begun to loose sight of my previous dreams...I have no desire to be who I previously wanted to be. Don't misunderstand me, I am not complaining. I no longer feel the constant stress and ergency of my everyday life even though it it still there...yet....everyone tells me I need it there...and that I need to feel it...That this feeling should come later but not now....Why not now though? I mean, I am going to survive no matter what....and well....if I don't, I suppose I'm screwed, ya know?
But- at this point in time....I don't really care-thats not true-I do care...I care about keep thing kicked back feeling....The only thing that scares me is that the feeling isn't my own to give myself...I never had this feeling before because this person who gives it to me fuck around with this sort of thing before...actually...he did a few times...and it hurt then- so I am afraid- I am afraid that now that I have this...this wonderful feeling....loosing it would be like a strong sharp knife...a long strong jaged sharp knife slowly being pressed into the triangle on my lower, lower back....working its way through the little skin there is ther ethen carving into my bone...making it's way through my guts and poking out through my bellybutton to see the world again...'causing me to feel dizzy from the lack on blood and wanting to vomit...making me cry and not know whether to pull it out or let it reside in me...because both hurt! But I don't know which one hurts...so I'll leave the knife in...I know I shouldn't....but I always do...
~~forward~~