In a perfect world there would be a god. A god who would allow me the modern technology to scan myself in a fucking box and send myself to my beloved where in turn the technology would allow me, or my beloved, to print myself out. Then this paper imagine of me would take on a full shape of that, myself, and I would begin to thrive there and vanish from this god awful place where I now reside. Ludicrous you say? I have scanned myself. Many times. I have sent myself to my beloved. But it does not work. Thus, I am at the conclusion that this is not a perfect world and the god, if there is one, can fuck him (or her)self. Each being is a god in denial who will refuse to admit it. I worship not the god who they say lives in the heaven. I worship the god who lives in the distance and inside me. I worship he, my beloved, for he is my beloved. Not because he is perfect, not because he is without mistake, not because is like me�But I love my beloved because he is he. He is the only he of his kind. I want to feel my beloved�s arms tightly encircled around my waist. I don�t want to fear any paper cuts. I want my beloved to kiss me gently and not worry about the right words to say. I want my heart to stay inside of me and not try to break free beating rapidly when my beloved is sad. All in all I just want my beloved. For who he is, for who he wants to be, for what he will be and for what he wont be. I'm not worried that my beloved will not be loved by me in years to come. I am worried that my beloved will not love me. I am afraid to be his beloved. I am afraid to be loved by anyone who I do love. I enjoy �cause pain in others that I don�t care about. I know it�s wrong. I thrive on it none the less. I get off on the world�s confusion. I seduce people into loving me so that I can feel loved then turn them away for fear I might love them. But I found my beloved and never tried to seduce him. For the longest time I thought he could be nothing but a friend. Someone to talk to�but I�m afraid that he thinks I am doing to him what I do to others. I am afraid that he hates me for what I do to others. I am afraid because all my beloved and I do is talk even though we�d both enjoy more. I am afraid he will find me a tedious task and a loathsome creature soon. I am afraid he will not love me for I am not who he thought I would be. I am afraid because I am no one�s savior. I am no one�s heroine. I am no one�s drug. I am afraid that when everything has been completed and the truth of everything has finally been felt and breathed. I will not be my beloved�s beloved. I will be no one to anyone. I will be hated by those who I seduced and turned away from me. I will be hated by their beloved�s. I will be despised by my beloved for not living up to what he wanted me to be. I will be alone. I will end up talking to animals and telling myself they love me. I will talk to the god that I hate and beg him to take me to heaven for I know that I am in hell. Then I will remember that when I was younger and stronger and full of life he was not there. I told everyone I was an atheist. I am an atheist�anyone who is not there for me I do not believe in. I do not believe in god. I refuse to believe that there is anything that would be so cruel as to do this to anyone. If he is out there, those conservatives from way back when are correct! Fear God!!! You know not what he will do to you. God is no god to be loved. The goddess of love was no women to be loved either. Anything old or ancient talks of greed, jealousy, cruelty, evil, and passion. I posses all of these much more than I do good will, happiness, or sweetness. So, what do I have to offer my beloved? A tip of my hat and a thank you sir? Why is that what I use to get through life? I don�t work hard for anything. I am a slacker and know I could be so much more�.but maybe I don�t want to be more. Maybe being more is the American dream�.but do I have to have the same dreams as my neighbor? I hope not�I hope they don�t have the same dreams as me because they would be at a larger state of confusion than me. A much larger. And anyone who is there, I pity. Yes, that�s right. I pity them. I know I don�t use the word very often. That is because it is mistaken for something else�something much kinder�.everything is always mistaken for something else�.why is that?
~~forward~~