1. What do you call a man with half a brain?
� � � � � Gifted.
2. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
� � � � � Bonds Mature.
3. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
� � � � � One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
4. What did God say after creating man?
� � � � � I can do better.
5. Husband: Want a quickie?
� � �� � � �Wife: As opposed to what?
6. I went to the County Fair. � They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
� � �Shows.� They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
7. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
� � � � �A man's undivided attention.
8. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
� � � � �1. No mind.
� � � � �2. No business.
9. How is a man like a snowstorm?
� � � � �Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
� � � � � get,or how long it'll stay.
10. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
� � � � �He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
11. Why are men like laxatives?
� � � � �They irritate the shit out of you.
12. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
� � � � �A tourist.
13. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
� � � � �To keep them from grazing.
14. Why do men want to marry virgins?
� � � � �They can't stand criticism.
15. Why do men name their penises?
� � � � � �Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who
� � � � � � makes all their decisions.
16. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
� � � �good-looking?
� � � � �Because those men already have boyfriends.
17. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
� � � � �He had it bronzed.
18. Why do men like masturbation?
� � � � � It is sex with someone they love.
19. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
� � � � �Two ways to cross a river.
20. What is gross stupidity?
� � � � �144 men in one room.
21. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
� � � � in it.
�� � � � � � Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
22. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
� � � � �The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
23. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
� � � �Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
� � � � stove.
24. What is a man's view of safe sex?
� � � � �A padded headboard.
25. How do men sort their laundry?
� � � � �"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
26. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
27. Why did God create man?
� � � � �Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
28. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
� � � � �So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
29. Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
� � � � �"How sad a dead bird." The other man looked up and said,"where?"
30. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
� � � � �To keep the swelling down.
31. �How do you get a man to do situps?
� � � � �Put the remote control between his toes.
32. � What do men consider housecleaning?
� � � � �Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
33. � How do you save a man from drowning?
� � � � �Take your foot off his head
34. � What do men consider a 7 course meal?
� � � � �A hotdog and a six pack of beer
35. � How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
� � � � �No one knows - we've never seen it done!
36. � How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
� � � � �a) 1 - men will screw just about anything
� � � � �b) 5 - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
37. � Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
� � � � �So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
38. � How can you tell if a man is excited?
� � � � �He's breathing.
39. � How do men exercise on the beach?
� � � � �By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by.
40.� What do men consider foreplay?
� � � � �Half an hour of begging
41. � � What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
� � � Sexual harassment.What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?� � � $3.99 a minute.
42. � How can you tell if a man is happy?
� � � � �Who cares???
43. � � Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
� � � Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
� � � Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. � Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
� � � � �Because they can understand them.
46. � � What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
� � � Through his chest with a sharp knife.
47. � � Why are men like public toilets?
� � � Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
48. � �What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
� � � A mechanic