You probably thought we told dirty jokes down here, but that gets old fast. Besides, we'd like to save those for our ETERNAL DAMNATION candidates. Still, give these a try.
SHE: "I like my sex to be intense."
HE: "I'm not much for camping."
Q: Why does a baby duck walk softly?
A: Because it can't walk hardly.
A piece of meatloaf walks into a bar.
BARTENDER: "Hey! We don't serve food in here!"
Q: How many film producers does it take to make a telephone call?
A: I dunno. Let's run it by the others and see what they think.
Q: What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
A: They both have handlebars, except for the duck.
Q: Why don't civil servants look out their windows in the morning?
A: Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
An economist walks up to a shepherd. "I'll bet you I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock."
"If you do," says the shepherd, "you can have one."
The economist pulls out his pocket calculator, punches some buttons and says, "874."
The shepherd is amazed. He motions towards the flock, and the economist goes over and picks up an animal.
"You know," says the shepherd, "I'll bet I can guess what you do for a living."
"If you do," says the economist, "you can have your sheep back."
"You're an economist," says the shepherd.
The economist's jaw drops. "How could you possibly know that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I'll tell you."
A koala bear walks into a tavern and sits down at the bar beside an encyclopedia salesman. He orders a Plowman's Lunch and a jug of pale ale. He eats the meal, drinks all the beer, pulls out a handgun and shoots the bartender.
"Hey," says the encyclopedia salesman, "what the hell are you doing?"
"It's what I do," says the koala, heading for the door. "Look it up if you don't believe me."
The encyclopedia salesman goes out to his car and pulls out one of the volumes from his sample set. He finds the following entry: "KOALA: a furry, tree-climbing animal that eats shoots and leaves."
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
"Interesting," says the bartender. "What's it's name?"
"Tiny."
The bartender smiles and shrugs. "Why do you call it Tiny?"
"Because it's my newt."
A Mexican robber has become famous for robbing banks and stores in Texas. A Texas Ranger gets a tip that the robber always goes to a certain tavern before heading back over the border.
He stakes out the tavern and sees the robber go in, so he rushes in with his shotgun and tells the robber he is under arrest.
Unfortunately, the robber can't speak English and the Texas Ranger can't speak Spanish. Luckily, there is a lawyer in the bar who is bilingual, and he offers to translate.
"Ask him what he did with the money," says the Texas Ranger.
The lawyer translates, and the robber says in Spanish, "I buried all the money beside the big oak tree behind the tavern."
The lawyer nods his head, turns to the Texas Ranger and says, "He says you haven't got the guts to shoot him."
Two silkworms got into a race.
They ended up in a tie.
