[Haley & Chana’s A/N: Thankies to Araeph for reporting this one to us. To the Anime Division, the pocky will be used well.]
"That was very interesting and enlightening." Chana flipped through the photo album. "I never knew a Sue’s face could be so colorful."
Hal smiled. "I liked it best when she was urple. She had it coming taking Arwen out of the story, but I fear that there are many worse stories to come."
Chana jumped onto her bed. "Fighting Aragorn wore me out." She opened her mouth for a huge yawn. "G’night Haley."
"Nighty night, Garbanzo Bean."
Snore…
Hal put her head on her pillow and started reading The Silmarillion. Of course, the Narrative Laws of Comedy kicked in for about the billionth time…
[Beeeeeeeeeeeep! Beeeeeeep!]
"Give me ten more minutes or you’ll be in the scrap metal recycling bin." Chana chucked her pillow at the device. "Kapeesh?"
[Beep….Buzzzz]
Chana laid her head back down on the pillow and quickly fell asleep again.
Snore…
[Beep? Beep?]
"Is Makes-Things putting brains into his machines now or something? I swear that thing talks to me sometimes." Hal looked at the device cautiously.
"You’re crazy."
Hal rolled her eyes. "Who isn’t around here?"
Chana shrugged. "Well, how bad is it?" She looked at Hal, hoping it was not evil. Seeing the look in Hal’s eyes, she realized it was. "Another Mary Sue, eh?"
"No," Hal said through gritted teeth.
"Then what?"
"S-six," Haley stammered.
"Six what?" Chana neatly folded her LotR bedspread onto her bed.
Haley stomped her foot against the ground. "Six bloody, stinking, Mary Sues!"
"What the hell?" Chana raised an eyebrow. "We need to get paid more for this."
"And we need more Bleepka!" Haley grabbed a bottle on the top shelf of the cabinets on her desk. Chana stared at the desks, wondering how Hal could stand to be that messy.
She looked at the two desks that sat in the room side by side. One was messily thrown together. A star board was nailed to the right of the desk, plastered with miscellaneous lust objects and such. Under the desk, a bunch of books and magazines were strewn along the floor, mostly fantasy. A green laptop was set in between the two desks with an Elijah Wood desktop background, for they both loved Elwood. The other desk was clean and neat with a few pictures tacked up on her bulletin board mostly of the hobbits. A book-rack was placed on the left-hand side where many girly and fantasy books sat, including Elwood magazines. A fire-proof bean bag was strewn in the left-hand corner of the room where Rivendel, Hal’s mini-Balrog, slept. She was still waiting for the other one to come. The little office was quite cozy, but the wilvery metal walls tended to hurt the eyes.
"What’s for disguises?" Chana asked, trying to stop thinking about their room.
"Well… It’s set in Rivendell for the first chapters, so I was thinking along the lines of elves," Hal suggested.
"Sounds good to me." Chana grabbed her bag and picked up the portal device. "Ready?"
Hal grabbed a little box and some other items and stuffed them into her bag. "Lessgo."
Chana pushed a few buttons on the keypad, and the assassins stepped through the portal that opened before them.
*******
"Okay. Let’s see if we can even make sense out of the Words." Chana took a Palm Pilot out of her bag. "Listen."
An Elf-maiden known as Tinuviel Estel Luthien.
"I’m guessing she’s the main Sue?" Haley inquired.
"Yep."
"Name stealer."
She is only 25, and is about 5/8 in height, but was really bored with the beauty and grace of Rivendell; she had lived there ever since she was 17, when she had moved from LothLoríen to live with her brother, Elrond, whose age is unknown as Elves have immortally,
A murmur came from the bushes.
her parents are Galadriel the Lady of the Woods of LothLoríen and her father is Loríen, first husband to Galadriel as she has married Celeborn who has no relation to Tinuviel surprisingly except Stepfather, she is the granddaughter of Thingol, King of the Eastern Elves.
"
I’m officially confuzzled." Hal paused . "Talk about run-on sentences. And not to mention cruelty to the common comma and making up confusing family tree! Just some things for the charge list. Can you make any sense out of that family tree?"
Chana typed on her Palm Pilot. "Check. And no, I was lost when she mention Loríen."
Her grandmother is that of a Faerie and as far as Tinuviel knows she has no name for nobody will tell her anything about her grandmother. Tinuviel is not only an Elf but is half-Faerie also.
"
More useless family tree info that is absurd," Chana stated.
Her faerie wings that are always visible are a silver and green shiny color.
"It hurts," Haley whimpered. "Why did she have to have wings?"
Her voice is graceful and is that of British and her beauty and grace is know across many lands for her being the daughter of the famous Elf maiden, Galadriel. She goes by the name Estel, meaning Hope in Elvish, when she's outside of Rivendell but she knows when she should and should not use her real name, Tinuviel also means Nighting Gale.
Hal waved her arms in the air. "There is no such thing as Britain in Middle-earth!"
"Gr." Chana mumbled something.
"Add those to the charge list, please."
Tinuviel was sitting near the river bank and was singing a song about Rivendell, about its history it was, "Low in the Mountains and Trees are the fair Elves of Rivendell singing to and fro."
Hal laughed. "Now that’s not a sight you see everyday."
"Elves running around everywhere singing. They sure can run fast." Chana took her camera out of her bag and snapped a picture. "Mwahahahaha. Black Mail for the elves."
On the other side of the forest was a half-human and half-griffon creature wandering about in the trees her wings not seen as she changes her form from her human form where her griffon features are not seen though she can still use the wings, her battle form she transforms into a winged creature with a human form and three stripes of purple appear on her left cheek. But for now, Zoey Aerosmith is up in a tree humming softly to her self without a care in the world, except when she dropped out of the tree, "Darned things." Zoey muttered, and then seen her sword emerged in a pile of leaves. "OH NO!" She exclaimed. "My weapon, is it okay?!" The only thing that seems to matter to her when she gets dirty is if her sword is okay or not.
Chana clenched her fist in the air. "Half-griffon. Griffon?!"
"Purple stripes? This is crossover mania. And swords WILL get dirty. Clean freak."
"Just like you, eh?"
Chana pushed Hal over, and she fell to the ground. "Shut up."
"Can’t they leave music out of it? Aerosmith?! I like Aerosmith, thank you very much."
"LAHLAHLAH!" Zoey sang to the tune of the song, a swift but gentle breeze coming and picks her wings up and she slowly drifted off the ground.
"Oh dear Eru, is that the Smurf theme song?" Chana plugged her ears.
"They’re evil. More singing is ahead. Wanna play Speed?"
"Sure."
The assassins played cards for a while until they saw one of the Sues flying in the air. "Let’s go see what’s going on now." Chana poked her head up behind the bush.
Zoey blinks. "Uh.Pardon me but what's going on?" "The Shadow is coming." Tinuviel says. "Lacertété, go on back to Rivendell, warn Elrond about what is going on and get Arwen to come." Lacertété neighed and then rode back to Rivendell. "The Shadow? What the bloody he-Gah!" Zoey yells as fire shoots in the air. "That's the Shadow. And that's only a small percentage of what It can do." Tinuviel says pulling her sword out. "Be prepared to fight Orcs and Uruk-Hai.*"
"Paragraphs should be separated! Different people speaking should be in another paragraph. Add that to the charge list, Chana."
"What the bloody he-Gah!? It hurts my ears! Tenses, people, tenses! Don’t go switching them. Where’s the Bleepka?" she mumbled.
"Chanaaaa."
"Oh, what? Um… Check!"
"Dang, I knew I should've stayed home today."
"Great. Now Zoey’s quoting The Magic School Bus."
"I can’t stand it any longer!" Hal grabbed her bag and jumped up. " All they’re going to do is have a fight and Legolas comes to help."
"Fine. To The House of Elrond we go!"
********
Due largely to geographical distortion, the assassins arrived in about thirty minutes.
"Sheesh. Geographical distortion is definitely going on the charge list." Chana took out her Palm Pilot and punched a few buttons. "The Council doesn’t start until tomorrow morning, so what do you want to do?"
"Hehehehe." Hal whispered something in Chana’s ear.
"Muahaha."
********
"I got to admit, that was a pretty good idea," Chana said.
Hal giggled. "Can’t wait to see what happens to her wings."
"We will definitely have to see how she reacts."
"Yep. Ready to go to the Council?"
"Sure. And just so you know, another Sue was introduced while we were gone," Chana mumbled.
"Great," Hal said under her breath.
The assassins walked up to where the Council was being held and sat down behind some bushes.
"You will have to go all the way to Mordor and Mt. Doom, are you aware of that?" Anadálá asked Tinuviel in the council.
"
A perfect example of the Elvish the author created because she didn’t know it. Excuse me, non-Elvish she created. And the third Sue."Hal just made a gagging noise.
"Will I be able to go?" Arwen, daughter of Elrond and Wife to King Elessar/Aragorn asked. "Of course, Arwen, you Legolas, and Gimli shall be going." "I would like to go too." Marísno said. "I would be honored to have her go." Tinuviel said smiling at the red haired brown eyed Elf.
"
Sue four.""He said four, he played nick-nacks on my door. With nick-nack-patty-wack-give-a-dog-a-bone, this old Sue went rolling home," Hal sang.
"I wish she’d just go home." Chana sighed. "We already have the other three to deal with."
"Can I go too, Master Elrond?" Káiyá said standing up. "A lot of people want to go on this journey." Elrond said looking at all the Elves especially the maiden Elves. "Well, I think it's time that Elf maidens had their stand." Tinuviel said standing up.
"
And I think it’s time the Sues should stop joining the group. What is that, five?""Yes," Chana replied. "I myself think that it’s time for us agents to get vacations!"
"Heard that and wrote it on the SO’s desk."
"You didn’t!"
"Never mind that, we better hear where they are going so we know where to cut them off."
"
Legolas and Gimli we shall meet at the Misty Mountains but you shall not come on with us for Arwen will also be returning for you, Éowyn you shall head to Hobbiton and get Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. Marísno as for you, I want you to go on to Mirkwood and wait for us there where we shall pick you up." Tinuviel said to all of them. "As for Arwen and her return we shall go through Mirkwood on to LothLorien and meet her there, only if she arrives in between seven days as that is how long we shall wait for her.""
Okay, they’re leaving. Lets get Marísno."Chana clasped her two elven blades. "She heading over to that building over there. Just shoot her with an arrow. Go ahead and shoot Anadálá over to the left, too. She is just a bystander."
"What about the charge list?"
"Ah, who cares? Just wing it. Shoot while you can!"
Twang. Twang.
The two arrows went flying and hit the targets before they could do anything to stop them. The assassins picked up the dead witch and elf and threw them over their shoulders. "Want to just put them through a random portal?" Chana took out the portal device.
"How about Mt. Doom? They’ll land in the lava. It will just recycle them." Hal smiled wickedly.
Chana opened a small portal. Heat and large flames blazed on the other side. "Off you go!" She threw Anadálá through the blazing portal.
"Bye, you stupid Sue!" Hal tossed Marísno into the red light, where she went falling into darkness. "Ready to get the others?"
"Duh. Lets cut Káiyá off on her way to her bedroom. She shouldn’t be too hard." Chana stood still for a second, looking for the Sue. "Over by that tree to the left!"
Hal took out her sword while Chana gripped at her two blades. Not being able to stand the torture watching anymore, Chana flicked her wrist and the blades went spinning off towards the Sue. They hit her shoulders and pinned her to the tree. Káiyá screamed in pain, slowly dying. She looked up at the sky, dying an angsty death.
"Why do they have to be so angsty?" Hal mumbled to herself.
Chana sighed and plucked the blades out of the Sue’s shoulder. "Where should we put her?"
"Throw her over the Falls of Rauros. We can open a portal. They even said no one had survived them." Hal snickered.
Chana opened the portal and picked up the bloody Sue. "May you sink like a rock." She threw Káiyá into the watery depths and closed the portal back up. "Now for the last three. We haven’t met one yet. They’re at the stables."
The assassins ran over to the stables at Tinuviel’s house. "There is our last Sue. A stable-worker it seems," Hal said.
"Oh dear Eru. I’m glad we just missed what she said."
"What did she say?"
"She said all of Galadriel’s lines from the prologue of the first movie. Isn’t that illegal?"
Hal cracked her knuckles. "Kill."
"Jakíra, kián saní mgé cnaén Zoey Aerosmith's quathátr xbú máir múr zaútésa, Ebony?" ('Jakíra, can you go to Zoey Aerosmith's cottage and get her horse, Ebony?') Tinuviel asked the young Elvish Stable worker. Stable workers are not taught English.
Chana whimpered. "It hurts! Why couldn’t she find a website that taught Quenya? I know of a few good ones."
"Of course they don’t know English. The Common Tongue is Westron! English didn’t exist in Arda," Hal mumbled to herself.
"Aé és cozmótédé etóté klo South makína wí klo Eastern Forest Bredéató." ('It is located on the South end of the Eastern Forest Border.')
"
Can we please kill them now?" Chana asked."Go right ahead…" Hal twitched. "I’ll get horse-girl and her way out."
Jakíra rode out on her horse and Hal jumped in front of her. "Not so fast."
"What do you want? And who are you?" she said in fake!Elvish.
"I’m your worst nightmare," Hal said, trying to sound like a
Terminator robot. She took out her bow and arrows and hid them behind her back. "The PPC doesn’t appreciate Sues, so I’m sorry to inform you that you must die.""No---."
The Sues words were cut off by a green and gold arrow flying at her throat. Jakíra fell off her horse to the ground. "Oops. Did I just shoot you? I’m sorry." She dug a hole and put the Sue in it. "Rest not in peace, oh Sue." She kicked some dirt over the grave and stomped all over it.
"Who are you?" Hal heard Tinuviel say through the stable doors.
"I am your worst nightmare." Chana’s voice echoed.
Hal sighed. They had been spending way too much time together. She walking over to the doors of the stables and slipped an arrow through. She pointed it at Zoey’s throat. "Die," she mumbled.
The arrow whizzed through the doors and hit the half-griffon before she could move.
"Hey!" Tinuviel yelled out Hal through the doors.
"Hal!" Chana screamed. "She was mine the kill. Not yours, mine."
Hal rolled her eyes at Chana and pointed the arrow at Tinuviel. "Chana, just read the charge list."
"Oh, the heck with it!" Chana took out her sword and started at the Sue.
Tinuviel smirked. "I’ll just fly away." She squirmed, trying to fly upward. "What’s wrong with my wings?"
"We glued them together while you were sleeping, oh Sue. Now prepare to die!" Chana stuck her sword in Tinuviel’s stomach. The Sue winced and bled to death. "Well. That’s that. What should be do with them now." She picked up the dead faerie.
"Dead Marshes? They would fit right in with all the other dead bodies."
Chana opened a portal and threw the two Sues through. A splash came from the other side. She closed the portal back up and looked at her partner. "Die, die, die!" she started singing to the *Nsync song for pure payback.
"No! It hurts my ears!" Hal grabbed the portal device from Chana and opened a portal back to HQ. She ran through and Chana followed, still singing the song.
So the Sues laid in the Dead Marshes for ever on, never noticed, and the assassins continued annoying each other until their next mission. Which wasn’t too far away…
[Hal’s A/N: Six of them! Six! How could someone right a story that bad. It is the unanswerable question. Sorry it was so long, but there were six. You can’t kill six Sues in a short chapter. On to writing chapter three!]
[Chana’s A/N: We have a Manga version of the story we’re working on. If we ever get a website built, we’ll post it. Oh, and Miss Cam put our link up and her website under PPC Spin-offs! Yippee! One question: how can someone turn Elvish into… that?!?! I don’t know. I’m officially confuzzled. Here’s the link to the story:
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=998363 Yes, she repeated the prologue twice…. Au revoir!]
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