Chapter Six:
Edward
Scissorhands
Johnny woke up on a hard wooden floor,
quite cold and quite uncomfortable. Johnny sat up and shook his head in an
effort to clear his eyes and to rid himself of the pounding headache. Nothing
new there. He was about to put a hand to his head when he noticed something
very odd, but strangely familiar. Tell me those are not scissors on my
hands. Unfortunately, on closer inspection with cleared vision, they were
indeed scissors. “Why me, dear God? Why Edward? You couldn’t just send me
somewhere normal for once?” Who am I kidding? In my film career there isn’t
anywhere normal to send me. I told you to go for fame over art, but did you
listen? No! You know what? I’d rather be in this ridiculous situation than
have movie career with a string of crap blockbusters, how about that? No
answer. “Yeah, that’s what I thought!”
A few moments of silence then. Johnny started to feel very
secluded, but he was happy about that. If this was after the movie ended no one
would come up and bother him, he didn’t have to pretend to be Edward or worry
about what to say or do. He’d be alone, and he could relax.
“Edward?” Called a voice. Johnny panicked slightly at the sound of Winona’s voice, not because it was Winona, but because it Kim, and it didn’t make any sense.
“She lied to the kid, I don’t believe it!” Whisper Johnny to himself. Back away
and hide! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Watch the scissors, please! You know what?
This is ridiculous. Get up and go see her. Maybe it’s a fluke, a once in
lifetime thing that she forgot to mention to the kid. I highly doubt it.
Johnny stood up and emerged from the shadows. “Kim?” He said in his shy and
quiet voice.
“Hi, Edward. I brought you some lunch.” She said, raising the picnic basket
that she had in her hand. Johnny smiled.
“Thank you.” Answered Johnny. Winona nodded and smiled sadly.
“I haven’t seen you in a while Edward, how have you been?” She asked as she
came closer. Okay, so she hasn’t seen me in a while. It’s definitely fairly
regular for her to come over, but not so much that it would attract attention.
Edward should be used to this by now, but he’d probably wonder where she’s
been.
“Where did you go, Kim?” Asked Johnny. Winona smiled sadly again.
“I went on a family vacation. I couldn’t come up in time to tell you, but I’m
back now.”
“Okay.” Said Johnny. Winona smiled happily this time. Johnny smiled back.
“Do you want to eat?” Asked Winona. Johnny nodded. Winona smiled and sat on the
floor and opened the picnic basket. Johnny followed her example, being careful
not to cut himself with the scissors. Winona took out two plates and began to
serve food onto them. She looked up at Johnny quickly and then turned her
attention back to serving food. “You have some new scars, Edward. What did you
do?” Crap! What did I do?
“I, uh, I cut some articles out of the newspaper you brought me.” Johnny braced
himself for some confused questions from Winona, but none came.
“You have to be careful, Edward.” She said as she laid his plate down in front
of him. Johnny nodded.
“I know.” He said, and then began to eat. Leftovers from a barbeque, he noticed. He especially noticed the ambrosia salad. “Did you have a barbeque?” Winona looked down at her plate and nodded.
“Yes.” She said. “Mom misses you every time she has one. So does Dad and Kevin.
The others don’t feel bad because they don’t know the truth.”
“I can imagine.” Said Johnny, letting his voice slip. Winona’s head snapped up to
look at him. Johnny’s eyes widened but kept his head down towards his plate. This
is about the worst character to slip with. No slipping!
“What did you say, Edward?” Asked Winona. Think fast!
“I said, ‘Do you have a safety pin?’” Said Johnny. That was the stupidest thing
I’ve ever heard. Well, it was either that or “mickey fin”, take your pick.
You make a good point. You bet I do.
“No, Edward. I’m sorry, I don’t.” Said Winona suspiciously. “Are you alright,
Edward?” No Winona, I’m Johnny Depp, who happens to be stuck in the body of
a fictional character that I played in a movie, now can you please pass the
ambrosia salad?
“I’m fine.”
“Okay, Edward. I’m sorry, my imagination seems to be running away from me. I
could have sworn that your voice just changed.” It happens to everyone at a
certain age. Don’t you dare say that!
“My voice?” Asked Johnny. Winona laughed and nodded. Johnny smiled.
“What have you been doing while I was away?” Asked Winona, changing the
subject. Well, let’s see, I delivered a baby, exhumed four bodies from their
graves, I had a fight with a figment of my own imagination and lost, I had my
eyes drilled out, and I woke up naked in another woman’s bed. Did I leave
anything out?
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Well, you cut up that paper, right?”
“Yes.”
“What else did you do?” What did I do? Say something sweet so she’ll forget.
“I thought about you.” Winona blushed and smiled broadly. That did it!
“Oh Edward.” She sighed sweetly. She started leaning in closer. Yeah, that
really did it! Abort! Abort! No, you fool, just let her kiss you. It’s a
freaking movie, you do it all the time! Yeah, but there are certain things
that don’t actually happen in movies unless their the rated X variety!
“Kim…” Started Johnny, but Winona took it as a sign that Johnny was more than
willing. She kissed him directly on the lips, and Johnny would have struggled
if he hadn’t been mindful of his scissors. As it was all he could do was let it
happen, so he did. It was when Winona started to slowly lean him backwards into
a lying position that he had to take action. “Kim…please.” He said softly. She
looked at him, nodded and sat up.
“I’m sorry, Edward. I forgot.” She said. Forgot? We’ve had this talk before?
Oh dear God! “Don’t forget to let me know when you are ready, okay?”
What the hell do I say to that? Scissors on my hands…hurting people bad,
good plan.
“I’m afraid, Kim.” Said Johnny, feeling a bit foolish having this conversation
at his age. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me, Edward. You just have to be careful.” She said as she leaned
in and put her head on his chest. She sighed, content for now. Oh God, that
one could have been close. What did I tell you? Well, your inner voice
can’t always be right. You have to expect that sometimes. This must be why
so many people do stupid things. They’re taught in childhood to listen to their
inner voice, because it will tell them the right thing to do. And
unfortunately some people have inner voices that aren’t really there, if you
know what I mean.
“Kim?” Asked Johnny when he felt Winona stir.
“I have to go Edward, before someone comes looking for me. I’d never forgive
myself if they found you.” Said Winona. “I’ll see you later. I’m leaving the
food for you.” Winona stood up and so did Johnny.
“Goodbye, Kim.” Said Johnny sadly. I hope she can’t see how glad I am to see
her go.
“Bye, Edward. I love you.” Then she hugged him, turned, and walked out of the
room. Johnny held his breath until she was out of sight, then let out a
relieved sigh, and plopped down on the floor.
“Oh man, that was weird. ‘Do you have a safety pin’, indeed!” Complained Johnny
to himself. Johnny fixed his gaze on the food that Winona left him. “That
ambrosia salad was good, though.” It occurred to Johnny then that he hadn’t
really had a decent meal since he was Jack Sparrow. Johnny stuck his scissors
into the ambrosia salad, examined it closely for a few seconds and then brought
it to his mouth.
“There he is!” Yelled a voice from the doorway. It startled Johnny so much that
the ambrosia salad went flying from his scissored hands. He looked towards the
door and there was the maker of the ambrosia salad.
“Joyce!” Exclaimed Johnny as he stood up. What was the name of the actress?
Kathy Baker, wasn’t it? Winona came running back into the room.
“No! No, Joyce!” Yelled Winona.
“I knew it! He’s not dead! He was never dead!” Kathy walked up to Johnny. Johnny
stood still and watched her. Strangely enough, he wasn’t worried or scared. He
was just very amused, and he had to work hard to keep from laughing or smiling.
“What do you have to say for yourself, Edward?”
“Hello, Joyce.” Said Johnny quietly. Kathy stopped suddenly, and her look
changed from anger to wonder. Did I say something?
“Hello, Edward.” Said Kathy slowly.
“How have you been, Joyce?”
“Alright, I guess.”
“I still like your ambrosia salad. Kim brought me some.” Kathy’s eyes squinted
and she started nodding knowingly. My sweetness didn’t work, I can see that
right now.
“Why you’re just the devil himself, aren’t you?” Said Kathy.
“What?”
“Here I am, angry as all get out, and you make me feel sorry for you just by
acting polite. You have the charm of the devil, Edward. Well I’m not falling
for it!” Kathy pulled out a gun from her handbag and pointed it at Johnny. If
she kills me here that better not be the end of me. Winona came running
from the door and tackled Kathy just as the gun went off. The bullet got Johnny
in the shoulder, just missing a fatal hit. Johnny heard another gunshot as he
fell over onto the floor. He was now face to face with a dead Kathy. Winona had
shot her in the heart. Winona ran over to Johnny and put his head in her lap. Wow,
déjà vu.
“Oh Edward! Are you okay?”
“Yes, Kim. I think so.” Said Johnny. That’s not machine under my skin,
that’s for sure. Hey Kim, I’m a real boy now! You’re losing it, buddy. The
only thing I’m losing it consciousness.
“What can I do? I can’t take you to the doctor.” Said Winona as she fought back
tears.
“I’ll be okay, Kim.” Johnny said as he smiled. Johnny’s head was swimming now. Whoops,
here I go! Johnny closed his eyes and lost consciousness again. He wondered
how many more times he’d have to do it.