Chapter Seven:

Inspector Fred Abberline

 

 

            Johnny woke up aware only that he was no longer Edward Scissorhands and that he was laying on a very comfortable couch. He also slowly became aware of a horrendous and vaguely familiar smell. I smell drugs. He opened his eyes and he found himself in a garishly decorated, cloudy room filled with people in various states of mind and in various positions. One other thing he noticed right away were the two naked girls lying on some sort of platform which several men sat around while they smoked some rather toxic stuff. London, England, 1888, no doubt. Goodbye Eddie, hello Freddy.

            Johnny sat up and massaged his temples. He had a double headache today, mostly brought on by the various types of smoke. His shoulder didn’t hurt though, not that he expected it to, but he was definitely hoping that he wouldn’t wake up with a bullet in his shoulder. Johnny froze when he heard the front door slam open and heavy footsteps on the stairs. The wonderful Sergeant Peter Godley a.k.a. Robbie Coltrane. Coming to awake me, no doubt, and save me from this den of drugs and women. Johnny shrugged to himself and resumed his former position on the couch, trying to look fast asleep and very drugged.

            “Get up.” Said Robbie. No, you’re gonna have to make me, copper! Robbie waited a few seconds while Johnny made a slight facial reaction to having heard the order. Robbie slapped Johnny across the face. Holy crap, you made me! What a man you are, copper! “Get up!”

            “Hello, darling.” Said Johnny in an irresistible English cockney accent. Robbie reached out his hand and Johnny took it. Robbie helped Johnny up and basically carried him to the door. Once outside Robbie tossed Johnny into a horse drawn carriage. Robbie and two constables joined him in the carriage and they were taken to Scotland Yard headquarters. The hooves on the street go clomp, clomp, clomp…

            “Inspector? Are you alright to work?” Asked Robbie. …clomp, clomp, clomp…”Abberline?” …clomp, clomp, clomp…”When we get to Scotland Yard bring me a bucket of cold water.” Said Robbie to a constable. The hooves on the street go clomp, clomp, clomp, all through the town. Back out of character a little bit there, buddy, you’re not really drugged up. I think some of that smoke got to me. Act normally.

            The horse and carriage pulled up to a large brick building. Robbie exited the carriage, grabbed Johnny by the collar and dragged him out of it and into the Scotland Yard building. I feel like…who do I feel like? I feel like Raoul Duke, is who I feel like. Some high pitched squeaking is in order! Don’t you dare make a noise! Robbie tossed Johnny into a chair by a desk and waited patiently for one of the constables to come back with a basin of cold water. “Here you are, Sergeant.” Said the constable when he returned with the water.

            “Just put it there on the desk, in front of Inspector Abberline.” Instructed Robbie. The constable nodded and placed the basin in front of Johnny.

            “Here you are, Inspector. I hope you feel better.” Johnny looked blankly up at the constable and stared at him. Robbie gave the usual warning to the two constables and dismissed them. Johnny then proceeded to stick his head into the cold water. Wow, this feels great. Now, what do you say when you finally come up for air? Johnny raised his head out of the water and blinked the water out of his eyes.

            “Sergeant!” Called Johnny. Robbie threw a towel at him. Johnny smothered his face with the towel and sat back in his chair, looking out the window. “It’s night.” He observed. Oh night, which ever art when day is not. What, Shakespeare? You are going crazy.

            “How very observant of you, Inspector Abberline. It is indeed night.” Said Robbie sarcastically. Then he looked at Johnny concernedly. “It’s only been four hours since you left and already you’re completely wasted.”

            “No lecture, please, Sergeant Godley. Maybe when I’m not, as you say, wasted.” Answered Johnny as he took out a cigarette from his pocket and lighted it. I am having way to much fun doing this. “What could have been so important for you to have dragged me away from glorious sleep and oblivion?”

            “Surely you can guess, Inspector.” Said Robbie, half in jest. Johnny looked at him, wanting to smile, but didn’t.

            “Surely a prostitute’s petticoats saturated with blood is not entirely unusual.” Said Johnny as Robbie covered his face to mask his somewhat jaded surprise. “Why bring me in on it?”

            “Because it is not just the usual thing, Inspector. That she was killed is not what is unusual, but the way she was done.”

            “Yes, I expected that.” Said Johnny as he pounded out his cigarette into an ashtray. He stood up to face Robbie. “Well, take me to her then and get it over with.” Robbie nodded and led Johnny out of the office, onto the street and into another carriage. I have to prepare myself, here. After all, she is dead, and quite more horribly so than the Widow Winship and the other victims of the Headless Horseman. Time to get in Movie Mode, Johnny. Nothing here is real, except for you.

            “Inspector?” Asked Robbie. Johnny turned to him in surprise, not having heard what he said previously.

            “I’m sorry Sergeant Godley, I was thinking.” Explained Johnny. “What was it that you said?”

            “You were humming. What song was it?” Asked Robbie. I was humming? It could only be ‘A Pirate’s Life For Me’.

            “A song, Sergeant Godley. Only a song.” Said Johnny mysteriously. Chew on that one for a little while, why don’t you? Robbie did look incredibly confused.

            “Yes, sir.” He said slowly as he eyed Johnny strangely. The carriage suddenly pulled to a stop in front of a depressing brick building. “Ah! Here we are, Inspector.”

            “Where is here?” Asked Johnny as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. Robbie gave him a slightly irritated look but answered him all the same.

            “Here is the morgue.” Said Robbie as Johnny climbed out of the carriage. “You’d best wake up, Inspector. When investigating a case it’s best to have both eyes open.”

            “Thank you, Godley, for that invaluable piece of wisdom.” Said Johnny sarcastically as he walked past Robbie to enter the morgue.

            “Always glad to be of service.” Answered Robbie under his breath as he followed Johnny. Dear God, what a pain in the ass this is. And what is that smell? Dude, you’re in a morgue, start using your common sense. If that fails you, use your imagination. Sometimes you make far to much sense for your own good, do you know that? Yeah, I noticed. Just so you know. Johnny walked down a flight of stairs to the basement of the building. It was a very large room, filled with dead bodies on tables. It was dark and drab and had very poor ventilation. Johnny had a hard time not choking on the air.

            “Oh, good God!” Exclaimed Johnny. “I never get used to these places. You know, they should have this place somewhere cold to keep the bodies from smelling.” Robbie looked at Johnny quizzically, perhaps wondering at his use of logic, perhaps wondering why he didn’t think of it, or perhaps wondering why Johnny’s voice and mannerisms had temporarily changed to that of Jack Sparrow. Not like it makes much difference. It’s 1888 and there isn’t even such thing as an electric refrigerator yet. It would cost them a fortune in ice to keep this place cold.

            “Is this her?” Asked Johnny as he approached a body. Robbie came up next to Johnny and nodded. “Alrighty then, let’s see what we have here.” Johnny lifted the light white sheet that covered the body. Just like it was in the movie…plus smell. Johnny tilted his head and looked at the woman’s face.

            “Not the girl from your dreams?” Asked Robbie. This is the woman, but not this the man. No more Shakespeare! Oh come on!

            “No. This is a different one.” Said Johnny. Ian McNeice, the actor who played the coroner Robert Drudge, approached Johnny, Robbie and the body.

            “Oh good, Drudge! Show him.” Said Robbie. Ian got a look of disgust and irritation on his face. Johnny backed away slightly.

            “Show him? Show him? Why don’t you show him! I’ve already looked at it twice!” Yelled Ian. He stormed off as he drank from a flask that contained something alcoholic.

            “Nice guy.” Commented Johnny.

            “You got that right.” Agreed Robbie. “However, looking at this mess will make anyone act like that.” As Robbie talked he showed Johnny the damage to the body. Johnny felt a pang in his stomach, but he only winced, and the feeling quickly subsided. I am in Movie Mode. I’m real, this isn’t. Movie Mode? What are you, six? It sounds like something from Power Rangers. Hey! They didn’t have Power Rangers when I was six, okay?

            “Interesting.” Said Johnny as he pretended to servey the distruction, although he was really averting his eyes from the gore. “Alright Godley, let’s go to where she was found.”

            “Yes, sir.” Answered Robbie as he followed Johnny out of the room and up the stairs. “What do you think, Inspector?”

            “Of what, Godley?” Asked Johnny as they drove down the street in the carriage. Ha ha, this is fun!

            “Of the girl, Abberline!” Cried Robbie impatiently. “Good God, sir, where is your mind?”

            “More than likely not with me at the moment, nor is it much of any other time.” Answered Johnny bleakly. Robbie looked at him with some concern. Oooo, I made him feel guilty! I didn’t know you cared, Sergeant. Would you shut up?

            “If that woman was not the woman from your dreams, than who was?” Asked Robbie. “What was your dream?”

            “I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was.” Answered Johnny. Don’t laugh, don’t even smile. If you insist on quoting Shakespeare at least have some variety. All those quotes were from the same play! I know that, but he didn’t heard my other two quotes. But I did and it’s getting irritating! Johnny heard an exasperated sigh from Robbie. Aparently he has had to deal with this kind of mood from Abberline more than once.

            “Here we are, Inspector.” Said Robbie as the carriage slowed to a stop. Johnny climbed out of the carriage and walked to where the blood stain on the sidewalk was.

            “Who found the body?” Asked Johnny. Robbie pointed to a uniformed constable.

            “Constable Peters found the body.” Said Robbie, slightly annoyed. “He proceeded to call several other constables to the scene and as a result seems to have obliterated any chance of finding any usful physical evidence.”

            “Yes, I shall have to reward Constable Peters and his friends on that account later.” Said Johnny, indicating that an unpleasant punishment lay in store for them. Robbie chuckled quietly. “In any case, Sergeant Godley, you seem to be quite right. Our luck at finding any physical evidence here is greatly lacking. Bring me Peters.”

            “It would be my pleasure, sir.” Said Robbie as he went to fetch Constable Peters. Peters, who was a bit cocky at having been the one to discover the body, was brought in front of Johnny. Johnny stared at him with no expression on his face and Peters grinned back proudly, carrying his police baton over his shoulder like a soldier carrying a gun.

            “Hello Constable Peters.” Said Johnny slowly and threateningly. Peters grinned wider.

            “Good evening, Inspector Abberline, sir!” Chirped Peters. Johnny fought back the urge to roll his eyes and offer a crooked smile to Robbie. That would be out of character. “Or should I say ‘good morning’?”

            “Either would be adequate, I think.” Answered Johnny. “Now Peters, you found the body, did you not?”

            “Yes, sir, I did, sir!” Answered Peters quickly. “She was laying right there, she was.” He said pointing to the patch of red on the sidewalk. “I came across her with my torch, didn’t know she was dead at first, thought she was drunk and passed out like. When I got closer to shead more light on her, I saw her throat was cut and a puddle of blood underneath her. That’s when I called some help over. Four other constables came, Williams, O’Reilly, Devon, and Johnson. We sent Johnson over to Scotland Yard for an Inspector. Me and the rest stayed here to make sure nothing happened to her.”

            “And what a wonderful job you did.” Commented Johnny. “You didn’t happen to notice anything, aside from the fact that she was dead?”

            “Nope, nothing, sir.” Answered Peters. Johnny nodded moodily.

            “Brilliant.” Said Johnny under his breath. “Now Peters, I will not give you as brutal a lecture as I will give you later, but in the future please be more observant of the details around you and please keep yourself and your mates away from the area surrounding the body. Do I make myself clear, Constable?” Constable Peters was not smiling anymore.

            “Yes, sir.” He said meakly.

            “Good.” Said Johnny, then turned to Robbie. “He’s a bit of a nutter, isn’t he?”

“He is incredibly daft, sir. He’s mostly just a bit of a bugger, though.” Answered Robbie. Johnny nodded.

“You and I are going to take a look around, for the sake of being thorough, if nothing else.” Said Johnny. “We go in separate directions and then switch to double check the others area, clear?” Constable Peters was still facing towards Johnny, although Johnny’s back was to him.

            “Peters!” Called a voice behind him. Peters turned quickly to face the caller and in doing so whacked Johnny in the head with his police baton.

            “Ow!” Yelled Johnny as he put a hand to his head and turned towards Peters. Peters then turned around to face Johnny to see what was wrong and whacked him in the head again. This time Johnny fell over. Robbie watched the scene, frozen to his spot until Johnny went down. Robbie then glared at Peters and rushed to Johnny’s side. Peters ran away.

            “Inspector Abberline? Are you alright?” Asked Robbie concernedly.

            “Next time you wake me up in the middle of the night to look at dead bodies and associate with bloody idiots, I may just shoot you, Sergeant Godley.” Said Johnny.

            “Your head is bleeding, Abberline.” Said Robbie. Johnny nodded.

            “That’s okay, it will heal by tomorrow.” Said Johnny with a chuckle.

            “I think you’re delirious from the loss of blood. You hit your head on the pavement.”

            “So I did. But I think Peters hit me first. Would you mind killing him for me? I think I’m about to pass out again.”

            “Pass out again?” Asked Robbie confused. “When did you pass out before today?”

            “It wasn’t today, it was yesterday. And the day before…and the day before that, too.” Johnny laughed a bit. Uh oh, here I go again.    

 

Constables Peters, Williams, O’Reilly, Devon, and Johnson are, of course, my own creations. I really don’t know the names of any

of the constables in the movie.

 

Read Chapter Eight