Chapter Five:

Roux

 

 

            His head hurt. That was predictable. So far as he could tell nothing had significantly changed to raise his hopes that he may be home and not stuck in some other movie. But he wanted to think he was home. He wanted to open his eyes and see his room, in his house. He wanted to look out the window and see France. He could already tell by the smell that he wasn’t home, but he was comfortable, and most definitely in a bed, and there was something else. Is that an arm around my waist?

            He opened his eyes quickly. At least he was granted one of his wishes. Sure enough, he saw France outside his window. He turned over and there was Juliette Binoche lying next to him. “That’s not who I wanted to see next to me!” Whined Johnny as he plopped his head down, covered his head with a pillow and continued whining to himself. Juliette stirred and opened her eyes. Johnny froze instantly and waited.

            “Roux? Are you okay?” Asked Juliette sleepily. Johnny took his head out from under the pillow and turned to look at her. Irish accent, for God’s sake don’t forget the accent!

            “I’m fine. How are you?” Said Johnny, smiling warmly at Juliette. Any concern in Juliette’s eyes disappeared and was replaced with amusement.

            “I’m doing pretty good.” She said with a quiet laugh. She leaned over Johnny to look at the clock on the nightstand next to him. That’s a bit close. Hmm, she smells good. “It’s about time to get up, I’d say. The shop won’t open itself.” She said as she hopped out of bed. Johnny was about to follow suit when he realized that he was rather naked. Oh my! Johnny waited until Juliette was out of the room and then he ran to the closet. When he opened it he was relieved to find male clothing. Oh thank God, I do live here! Johnny looked down at his left hand, and there on his ring finger was a plain gold ring. And I’m married! Johnny ran his hand over his face in frustration.

            “I didn’t ask for this. Who would ever think that I wanted this?” Johnny mumbled to himself as he walked towards the door. “I’m just going to go downstairs, give her a little hug and make an excuse to leave. It should be easy enough; it’s got to be easy. It can be done. It’s got to be done. I’ve got to get out of here!” Johnny swung open the door that led to the stairs, but upon doing so instantly shut it again. “But not before I put on some clothes.” He said as he walked back over to the closet.

After putting on his clothes Johnny went downstairs to talk to Juliette. There she was in the kitchen stirring a pot of melted chocolate. Johnny walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and smiled at him. He smiled back, opened his mouth to say something, and then froze. Oh my God, what’s her characters name? It’s something French. Gee, you think? Johnny closed his mouth and shook his head. Juliette looked slightly concerned. You have more reason to be concerned than you know, lady. “I’m sorry…uh…hun, I was going to say something and I completely forgot what it was for a minute.” Said Johnny as he put his hands on Juliette’s shoulders. She smiled. “I remember what it was. I have to go out and get a few things. Do you need me to pick anything up for you?”

“Some extra milk if you can get it.” Said Juliette as she put her arms around his waist and cosied up to him. “The milkman will be bringing some, but I’m afraid it won’t be enough.”

“Your wish is my command.” Said Johnny as he kissed her forehead quickly and then pulled away. “I’ll be back soon.” Johnny walked out the kitchen door and straight into Victoire Thivisol, the girl who played Juliette’s daughter in the movie. Why can’t I remember any of the character names?

“Good morning, Roux!” Said Victoire as she hugged him. Johnny smiled in spite of his annoyance. She was adorable.

“Hi there, sweety.” Said Johnny as he kneeled down and hugged her back. “Sleep good last night? No monsters under your bed?” Johnny smiled and so did Victoire.

“Very funny, Roux. No monsters.”

“I don’t understand it. I keep putting out monster food under your bed, but they never seem to come.” Victoire laughed loudly.

“Why would you do that for?” She asked with a giggle. Johnny smiled and stood up, holding Victoire’s hand.

“Well, what would a bed be without a monster or two underneath?” Asked Johnny. “It’s not becoming for a child of your age not to have a monster under your bed. Goodness me! What will the other children think?” Victoire laughed even louder. Suddenly there was a voice from the kitchen.

“Anouk! Come help me in here!” Called Juliette. Anouk! That’s right, I shall have to remember that, just in case. Johnny smiled at Victoire as she ran into the kitchen. As she disappeared through the door, he turned and walked out the front door and onto the sidewalk. He looked around at the cobblestone streets and stone buildings and breathed in the fresh, crisp spring air. I can’t even begin to say how much I missed France. Despite the trouble be had been through in the last few days, being in France made him feel a little better, even if he wasn’t home.

“Now, just where is it that I’m going?” He asked himself, looking around more critically. “Well, there’s left, there’s right, there’s straight forward, and there’s back into the house. I think I can disqualify going back into the house. Straight forward leads me to the other sidewalk, which still leaves me with the same problem. Left leads out of town and right leads into it. If I go out of town what do I do once I get there?” Right it is, then. Alrighty then.

Johnny took a right down the sidewalk. There weren’t many people in the street, but there was a good amount. He saw a couple people go into the chocolate shop that he had just come out of, and he was interested to find that some people glared at him harshly. I did put my clothes on, didn’t I? He had thought that by end of the movie that most people would have accepted him, but as it seemed some people still hadn’t. He smiled ironically, shrugged, and moved on.

“Roux!” He heard a woman call from behind him. He turned around and there was Lena Olin. I have a feeling I shall be seeing you as someone far less kind in a few days. “Good morning, Roux.”

“Good morning, Josephine. How are you?” Asked Johnny. At least I remember her character name. Lena smiled warmly, but with a touch of anxiety in her manner. Now what’s wrong with you?

“I’m fine, thank you.” She said as she wrung her hands. “How are Vianne and Anouk?” Oh that was her name!

“They’re both great.” Said Johnny.

 “I didn’t know if you knew or not, Roux, but your ‘pirate’ friends are down by the pier for a visit. They wanted me to let you know.” Johnny nodded thankfully. Lena stood in front of Johnny nervously, not saying anything and wringing her hands. He had to ask.

“Joe? What’s wrong? Are you really okay?” Asked Johnny. Lena looked at him and smiled again.

“No, Roux. Not really.” Said Lena. “I was down by the pier talking to your friends and they warned me that they had seen Serge near town.” Serge? Who’s Serge? I dunno, search me. I’ll just go with it then, shall I?

“Oh geez, Joe. What can I do?”

“Well, I don’t know if he’ll actually do anything Roux.” She said. “But, uh, I was hoping that maybe you could keep an eye out and kinda fend off any trouble.”

“My pleasure, Josephine.” Said Johnny. Lena looked considerably relieved, but still nervous. “Do you want to stay with me and Vianne for a couple days?”

“Oh no, Roux! I couldn’t do that, I mean, I don’t want to impose.”

“Come now, Joe. You know very well you won’t be imposing, and I know very well that you’re just trying to be polite.” Said Johnny. “You run along home and pack some things and I’ll be over later to help you carry them over.” Lena smiled brightly and hugged Roux tightly. Wow, what a grip!

“I knew I could count on you. Thank you so much, Roux.” She said and then turned away to walk back in the direction she came. Oh crap!

“Hey Joe!” Called Johnny. Lena stopped and turned around. Johnny grinned widely. “Where is it that you live again?” Lena grinned widely and chuckled.

“Roux! That joke is getting really old.” She teased.

“Come on, I’ve only used it half a million times. It’s still good for at least double that!”

“Fine!” She said with a laugh. “Rue St. Anne, 25.”

“Good girl.” Lena turned around and continued walking home. Johnny turned and walked on down the street. “Man, I’m good.” Now, Serge. Serge, Serge, Serge. Who’s Serge? Suddenly someone jumped out right in front of Johnny.

“Roux!”

“Ah, Serge!” There in front of Johnny was Peter Stormare, the actor who played Serge Muscat, Josephine’s cruel and irritating husband.

“What were you doing hugging my wife?” Yelled Peter as he held a threatening fist in Johnny’s face. Johnny took a good look at the fist in front of him and decided that he should be nice to Peter.

“You know me, Serge, women can’t keep their hands off me.” Said Johnny. “Besides, I thought you were the wife.” What happened to being nice? I don’t know, that just kind of flew out the window after I got a good look at his face.

“I’ll show you!” Peter yelled. He clenched his teeth and his fists, and then threw a punch at Johnny’s face. Johnny ducked the punch, stood up and instinctively swung a punch of his own at Peter, which caught him off guard. Johnny’s fist connected directly with Peter’s face and spun him around. Johnny in turn doubled over, holding his fist in his hand and let out a yell.   

“Damn! Did you have steel surgically installed in your jaw or what, man?” Yelled Johnny at Peter. “Man, that hurt!” It’s a good thing that the only souvenir from my adventures I seem to keep is a headache. Yeah, otherwise you’d have two bullets in your knees right now. And that would be bad. Brilliant deduction Sherlock Holmes. Thank you, Watson.

“If my jaw is steel, let’s see how yours holds up!” Yelled Peter as he came after Johnny again. Peter moved to tackle Johnny. Johnny ducked and threw him over his shoulder. Johnny turned around to look at Peter, who was lying on the ground in the dust of the cobblestone sidewalk. A crowd was starting to gather around now.

“Man, why do you keep warning me when you’re coming after me?” Asked Johnny. “If you want to get me you have to surprise me, not yell ‘here I come to get you’ and then give me time to duck!” I’m starting to sound like Will Smith. Get back in character, fella, don’t be creating new ones. “Look Serge, I don’t want to fight you. You don’t need to fight me. Just leave and go back to wherever you were before you came here, okay?”

“No!” Yelled Peter as he picked himself put from the ground. “No! I’m here for Josephine and I’m not leaving until I get her!”

“You will not touch her as long as I’m here.” Said Johnny quietly and resolutely. Peter clenched his teeth and fists again, but stood very still. Over Peter’s shoulder Johnny noticed Lena walking down the street with a cast iron flying pan in her hand. Here comes the Cavalry. I’ve got to distract him! “Say Serge, what’s fat and stupid and red all over?” Peter relaxed his clenched fists and his face took on a look of confusion.

“What?” He asked.

“It’s a riddle. What’s fat and stupid and red all over?” Asked Johnny. Peter looked completely and utterly confused.

“Well, I…I guess I…I don’t know.” Said Serge with a defeated shrug. “What is fat and stupid and red all over?” Johnny grinned evilly.

“You when you’re mad.” Said Johnny with a loud laugh. Peter started to look angry again. “Come on, you have to admit it was funny.” To much Jack Sparrow. Whoops, sorry. Peter was absolutely fuming, but Lena was almost upon him. Come on, baby, just a little closer.

            “You! I am going to get you!” Yelled Peter as he pointed at Johnny, but then he suddenly swung around to point at Lena who was only about four feet away from him. “Right after I get you!”

            “Oh shit.” Said Johnny as he tackled Peter. Lena, in her panic, closed her eyes and brought down the frying pan, not knowing that it was now Johnny in front of her and not Peter. She hit Johnny squarely on the head with the heavy metal frying pan. “Oh man!” Shouted Johnny as he fell over from the blow. Lena let out an alarmed and guilty cry. Peter lied on the ground, unable to get up. Peter twisted his leg on the way down and had broken it. Lena rushed over to Johnny who was now lying on the sidewalk, blood dripping from his head.

            “Oh Roux! Roux, I am so sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t know!” Cried Lena as she placed Johnny’s head in her lap. “Roux, please say something! Anything! Are you okay?”

            “You really cook with that pan, Joe.” Said Johnny weakly. Lena laughed softly as tears fell from her eyes. “I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you again soon. Go easy on me, huh?”

            “What?” Asked Lena in a confused whisper. Johnny shook his head and passed out for the fifth time in five days. 

 

Read Chapter Six