All I Did was Die ......
It's been one Hell of a week up here at the Caravan Park. The Young Del have bombarded us nightly with bangers and cowshit, and are advancing upon us , and as I write, are now less than 300 yards from the entrance down by the communal bogs. Although they say they're here to liberate us from the foul regime of the Landlord - all of us here know that they're really just after our Buckie .... What's the world coming to?
Peter Gee, Operation Awe & Callie Special, Sunday March 30th, 2003. 23 Years on.
Getting
tanked into a lonely bottle of gin of a Saturdayevening Above: It's tambourine's
and Tennents Lager in the public bar as chambairmaid and protest
singer Shirley Cooper sings about the spiralling price of coal
and Caledonia MacBrayne summer season tickets.
We never had it so good. Probably.
way on our skid-row
five-and-dime tinkers travelogue for 1st time buckie guzzlers
and Ardrossan alco-pop alkies. Find out how to hoof it to Ardrossan
on a giro, with no whisky and no beer, Plus! check out our Railway
Station gazetteer, AND calculate how much bevvy you'll need to
get you here with Rinty's patented on-line Ready Rum Reckoner
and booze-ometer!
alco-pop alkies.
Find out how to hoof it to Ardrossan on a giro, with no whisky
and no beer, Plus! check out our Railway Station gazetteer, AND
calculate how much bevvy you'll need to get you here with Rinty's
patented on-line Ready Rum Reckoner andBad To The Bone
How better to celebrate HRH's 50 years on the throne than with an all
new Jubilee
Edition of our Guide to Ardrossan's epicentre of winoism, The
Cannon Hill! Meet the town's most famous wino's in the special
company of Rinty, Danny Higgins and Kevin Spacey. Really!!Shopping Nirvana
Everything the street-smart wino could want. Bookies, Bevvie Merchants and
Benefit Offices
for all! Also, check our guide to corner shops and off licences
- from stolen Crunchies to Carlsberg Special. Plus!
a load of wacky ad's for shops that were demolished in the purge
of 1972! Where Do I Get Soul?
Don't miss a single sermon with our wholly Holy Guide to local
Churches. How
to save your soul - and where to get some altar wine after closing
time in our unmissable chapters on local cheery churches and
god-bothering Guide*.*NOTE: Free glass of altar wine & bread wafer to all Lord Carson's customers visiting the chapel!
Getting tanked into a lonely
bottle of gin of a Saturday evening? Maybe you've got what it
takes to be an Ardrossan wino? Find out for yourself by taking
our specially written WINO TEST. And before you know it - you
could be directing the traffic at the junction of Sorbie Road
with a plastic banjo and pissed kaks!
The Hills Have Eyes
Enjoy
a razzled rum-riddled run from Rioz to The Reaper
on the internet's ONLY encyclopaedia of extra-time imbibing in
Ayrshire's favourite seaside town! Embark
on a drive-by
shooting journey on one of our many exciting TROUBLE TOURS!
Take an interactive swallie on a historical journey through the
Wilderness area behind the Outdoor Bowling Club - or swagger
through the cemetery with a crisp poke full of UhU in a virtual
baseball bat! Plus!, Get the chance of adding your favourite
piss-artist pals to our unique and expanding Local Drinkers
Hall Of Fame. (including The Riddler!)
We've got a pure dead mental guest book filled with all your zany banter and cider-addled observations. CLICK HERE
If you've got a story - we want to hear it!
Stay ahead of all the local gossip and gang fights without having to fork out 35p every Thursday by reading the latest edition of Ardrossan's alternative newspaper.Click HERE for a look at the 2nd edition of your big value local paper written in Greenock, with 50% advertising, and 50% badly written prose!
DD Arnott, Carol Reid, Nightwatchman Peter Davison, Teed, Cass the Dopehead Mental Hippy from Blackwaterfoot who threatened to kill me one night; Kevin Hindle; Andy 'I can get you anything' Lowe; Ex WRAF Gillian; Jack 'Safe As Milk' Maxwell: Mrs. 'He's Not The Man I Married' Maxwell; and of course the less than voluptous Tracy Devine, dishwasher and siren to the soulless; Gillian 'frightened' Bell; Tony 'Guns For Hire' Morrow; Graham Middleton;
When
There's Nothing Else To Lose
The Wino's Guide
features many troubletours ..
Take
an interactive walk along the Caley Railway; a drunken donner
along the lane behind the Bowling Club; have a virtual visit
to the Cannon Hill - or go socially asymmetric in the cemetery.
Click
Here
There's groovy
audio on the site - written and produced specifically for The
Wino's Guide.Although you'll need REAL AUDIO and a computer stolen from a council house in Lawson Drive to listen to it.....