Anyway . . . I'll continue writing this entry in the morning, it's 12:10A.M. now, and I'm tired. Tomorrow I'm going to go shopping for Liz, and then take her out for dancing and dinner in honor of her birthday. I want to talk about what happened at my house, and the conversation I had with her tonight. Today was also Chris Gray's birthday, and for the first time I had someone (Merlin) help me over at Chris'. It went a lot faster with the help. Chris got a really cool gift, and all these things I will explain in the next entry.

It took a little bit longer than I'd hoped to be able to have the time to sit down and write a journal entry. Before I kick off into my brand new emotions, I'm once again going to start off talking about the old ones.

Chris Gray bought me a tent for my birthday. The dimensions are 7'6"/7'0"/7'2" (Length/Width/Height), and it's a very nice, high quality 2-3 person tent that assembles in less than 5 minutes. Liz and I plan on going camping at the end of the summer. I would say "at the end of the summer when she's better," but that's the other thing I have left to talk about.

She doesn't want to take treatment. My first real girlfriend, the first person that I've ever felt the true emotion of commitment for; is planning on dying in six months. There is the possibility she could go into a coma before then, or live longer afterwards. I cried around her for the first time about it the other night. Merlin was lying on the floor, describing her perfect funeral, Liz and were lying on the bed. I thought about it too deeply. Another time, coming home from the beach tonight (I'm getting ahead of myself, I know, but this is important . . .) She cried with me about it. I feel weak crying over the situation, and I feel odd that I am containing such pain, but the fact that I really do, and truly love her is what keeps me with her. I just feel odd, especially when something happens like when she faints. That's happened to me four times now. Twice that night I mentioned before with Merlin over, and twice tonight - once at the beach and once on the way home.

Last night Liz came over. I took her out dancing as planned, and I was surprised to see Nick Wheeler came along as well. I was glad that he did though, because it was nice to see him. Liz felt very sick, and was unable to dance for very long, but she demanded that I dance with a few other people so she could watch me and spend time talking to Nick. Afterwards, Nick, Liz, and I went out to dinner at Acapulco, a nice little Mexican Food restaurant. I was going to treat, but Nick paid for it anyway, and tipped the waiter $15 for treating Liz so nicely so close to her birthday.

After we drove back to Ellington Hall, the dance party was over, and Liz drove me home. She came in, and planned on leaving at 10:30. We started kissing, but didn't have sex. We did, however, explore quite a bit though. I feel as though it's O.K. to move slow, and the last thing I want is for me to hurt her while trying to make love to her, especially under her conditions. Anyway, she left near 1:00A.M., and I was tired for school the next morning.

Allow me to describe the most beautiful sunset. Tonight at the beach, Liz was tanning, so Nick Wheeler and I erected a similarity to Stonehenge on Salmon Creek Beach. When Liz was done tanning, she passed out in my arms right near the structure, after she'd come down to kiss me hello. She stayed asleep for nearly two minutes, which worried me, but when she awoke she told me not to worry. I had cut my feet on a piece of glass, so I walked up to our little site where we had laid out the towels. She went off somewhere as I put on my shoes, so I followed her a few minutes later to give her some time to think. The sun began to set just as I found her. We sat together and watched the sunset, and talked about her condition. She talked about the treatment a lot, and how she is tired of being sick, tired of the pain. Tired of the soap opera that has been her life. She stared at the sun for a long time, and I turned her head away from it and kissed her softly, and told her not to stare at the sun. She asked me why in an innocent manner, and I told her that I wanted her to be able to see how much I love her, not just feel it.

As we walked back to the car, Liz's legs went numb. She was barely able to make it there, so I let her use me as a support. Nick was very helpful as well. As we drove home, she asked me what I was thinking about. I told her I was thinking about her cancer, and how it upsets me that such a bad thing has happened to such a good person. She told me that I shouldn't be upset about it because it doesn't affect me. I raised my voice a little, and told her very strongly that it of course affects me, that if she died I would be heartbroken. I would be. I will miss her if anything ever happens to her. She passed out a few minutes later telling how sorry she was for dragging me into all of this. When she was asleep I whispered to her how much I loved her into her ears, and kissed her cheeks. She woke up softly and rubbed my head for the rest of the way home.
When Nick stopped the car in front of my house, she asked Nick to give us two minutes to talk. It ended up being more like ten minutes, but it was a worthy ten minutes. She continually apologized, and be both cried a little bit more. I'm just waiting for the time when we can both just be happy, and in no pain. I just want her to have no pain anymore - whether it be through treatment or her own wishes that I am purposely blocking from my mind to stay positive, I want her to be happy.

Tonight my mom talked to me about my grades and how much time I've been spending on my schoolwork. I still have all As in my classes, but it is true that I have been unable to spend as much time on my schoolwork as usual. The same is true for my journal. This is all affecting my life because I need 30 hours in a day to do everything that I have planned for myself. Please, don't misunderstand. I will never burn out. I am the sanest person I know, and yet I am so fragile at the moment. For what it's worth, the next week and a half I plan on spending primarily on school work, and not spending too much time concentrating on my social life. It's about commitment to myself, and to my work.

On June 14th I'm taking Liz to see The Sound of Music. On the 15th she moves to Australia with Amanda for two-three weeks. I will miss her so much if she actually goes!

Anyway, I'm practically caught up with everything so far. I probably won't upload this journal entry until tomorrow, but do be aware that it was written on Monday the 2nd of June.

Casey Carlin sent me a really awesome birthday present. He animated a character of me, named "Bob the Stampede.", a takeoff of "Vash the Stampede" from one of my favorite animes.

I promised Liz I would call her, so I'm going to give her a quick call, take a shower, and sit in bed and read the book that I need to be reading for Friday (and doing a research paper on) until I fall asleep. I should be able to do the paper tomorrow night and the night after with plenty of time to accomplish everything I need to do.

Good night everyone, sleep well, and if you can, loan me 8 hours of sleep.

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