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The emotions that I'm feeling right now are probably pretty important for me to explain, because I'll be able to explain them once again to my kids if they ever are in the same situation. I feel like I just simply exist. As though I'm moving, living, but living in a state of the subconscious, where every action is simply an order, there are no pleases, no thank-you's, and I drag myself to school every day under exhaustion. To put it simply, I'm overtired. Hopefully, with a nice long nap this feeling will pass. I guess I should describe exactly what I'm feeling more clearly. First of all, I'm confused as to what I should be feeling. It seems as though my role as the single high school student is starting to bore me - that I'd rather be with someone. I think inevitably, I'm seeking peace and resolution in another, and the people that I've been seeking have done nothing but hurt me. It's this feeling that one gets while reading a book like Siddhartha, where the main character consistently wanders on and on, unable to find what he's looking for. I don't feel like waiting 46 years to become enlightened. I want it now. And that's my flaw. I just want a few of my questions answered. I want to know why I'm feeling so emotionally numb right now. Could it be grief? Could it be that I'm just tired? Girls? A cold rainy day? Track? I plan on answering this questions over the course of the next few days. I need to find some new obsession, a new resolve. It may just become my writing. I'm interested in improving the way I write my timed essays. Speaking of timed essays . . . Ms. Porter's tutorial was good once again today. She is definitely going to help my writing style - she's already off into critiquing it. She knows me by name already too, which is good, but bad at the same time I suppose. We wrote about Thoreau's quote: About the person who spends their entire life fishing in a pond, but realizes that he doesn't like fish when he finally catches one. It made me think a lot about girls. Haha. Anyway, she said I had an unclear thesis statement, and that I should narrow down my rambling on and focus on clearly illustrated points. She has good recommendations, but for her very small size she has a way of making a person feel very tiny, even tinier than her. She's extremely short, probably around 4'6"ish without her heels. She's funny, cute, and old. I'm sore from running in track. My hips are aching. But at the same time I've been feeling as though I should run faster - push myself harder. When I ran 8 laps today I was a little bit tired. I ran 4 more, then ran a very fast lap again with Bachi, who was on his 36th lap. Some people are just in better shape than I am, and I aspire to be that way. I hope I don't end up looking back after I'm finally that way, and deciding that I don't like running after all. I don't think that'll happen though. This is one of those things Thoreau might not have been considering: oftentimes we find happiness right in front of our eyes; although we may not see it at first, it's usually there staring right back at us. I'm going to focus on not worrying about girls at all. I think I'll be a million times happier, and I might even get more sleep! Sleep, mmm . . . I'm going to go do that after a shower I think. My mom said she has no way of getting me to Bohemian Grove by 4:00. I'm disappointed she is unavailable for me, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. She has teaching, and I understand that putting money in the bank to put food on the table is more important. I'll ask Jon Teeter for a ride or something along those lines. Take care my friends . . . Back
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