| Welcome to the |
| This is a page I call my DARKSIDE. I created it for the purpose of letting everything that bothers me in my life out and hopefully freeing my mind for more pleasent thoughts. |
| Darkside |
| Things I hate about myself: |
| Things I hate about my life: |
| Things I hate about My friends: |
| Dark chapter of my life |
| My thoughts on God: |
| My thoughts on Love and Friendship: |
| I have always hated myself. I am not as nice as I want to be. There is nothing special about me. I am not the brightest person in the world. I have an underbite, loose muscles in my eyes, and my teeth arn't very straight. I am heavy set and could loose a lot of weight. I'm Tall and clumsey. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate almost every thing about me. I hate the way clothes look on me. If I could think of one thing about me that I do like about me it would be nothing. I hate every thing about me. This is something I really need to get over. I don't care what people think of me. I will have better clothes and I can always go on a diet. I need to stop winning all the time and do something about it....I HATE BEING BITTER!!! |
| I hate that I never made better grades in school. I wish I studied harder. I am 36 years old and I am failure. I have nothing in life to show for it. I wish I had gone to college and had be came an archetect as I had plained most of my high school years. I don't regret that I went into the army. I regret being a combat engineer. It has not helped me in one single way in getting a civilian job. I regret quiting my last job. I made so much good money there and I blew it all. I truly wish I knew what I want. I don't. Ok. I can't live in a world of what if. Time only moves in one direction. I hate the way my life is and as long as I keep living like this it will always suck. I need to do something about it. I'm not dead yet. |
| I have to be honest here. I don't hate my friends. I hate what some of them did to me in the past. I feel I was used and then walked on. When It comes to my friends I would do anything for them. I have done a lot for them already. But no matter how many good things I have done for them. I do one thing wrong and they are ready to abandon the friendship. I havn't had one friend to stand by me through the Dark Chapter of my life. But then again I never gave them a chance to. I need to get over it. I just have to be more selective in choosing my friends in the future. Who should I be POed at? Them for doing me wrong or Myself for letting them. Loneliness is not an excuse for keeping a bad friend. Besides I have some good friends now... one who was on the bad friend list but I still think he might come around. Go to my Friends page. |
| This is what brought me to my knees and almost killed me. I am gonna be brief here. I could go on forever about this but I don't have the time or patience at the moment. Four years ago My wife got sick with cancer. Dispite everything the doctors did, she didn't make it. I went over the edge and never really made it back. I moved to a new city in hopes I could move on with my life. What I found there was not pretty. I got in with the wrong croud of friends. I ended up doing every drug known to man. I lost everything for it. I think I have had my eyes opened as to what the world really is. He**!. I am still in recovery and always will be. I have many scares and reminders of what I went through. One of wich I will have to hide with my watchband for the rest of my life. That part of my life is over now. I hope that people can forgive me for what I did and let me go on with my life. |
| My best friend in the whole wide world was my wife. She is gone now and I miss her very much. We started out as friends. She was the first person who thought I was cute. She could see into my soul and liked me. I'm so so lonely now. It is so hard to imagine being with another. It will be hard for me to cross that bridge when the time comes. I have some really deep issues here I need to work through. Maybe in time and with the right person I can cross that bridge. But who would want a loser like me. I let Leslie down in so many ways since she passed away. I wish I did more to save her. I feel like if I did she would be with me still. I doubt she would take me back when I pass away. Whoever you are...so please be patient with me. It may take some time before it will ever feel right. I have all these issues I'm dealing with. I can't move forward untill I resolve them. |
| God and I havn't been the best of friends since Leslie passed away. I know he is there and I hope he will forgive me for every time I cursed him. I know I was wrong. I can look back in my life and see where he stepped in and helped me out. He has always been there at my Darkest times and helped me through it. But I still can't help but wonder why. Why did he not answer my prayers when Leslie got sick? She was just too damned good to die. It should have been a low life like myself to have died. Dispite all the bad things I have said and done to him in the past, he is still willing to pull me out of this dark hole I have burried myself in. If you are reading this now God...please don't walk away...I need you. |
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| I want to undo what bad things I have done in my life. I want to do some good before I die to make up for the wrong choices I have made. I want to be able to make a page about the things I am proud of. I'll add more soon..... |
| The song you here is "Walking Away" By Craig David |
| My Name Is Howard J Fuller |
| Email me at: [email protected] |
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| I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it. So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it..... Eminem |
| Darkside |
| Update: March 19, 2004 |
| I am living in Va at the moment. I have faught so hard to win the fight and I'm losing. I have a chance to stay here in my hometown or try to move back out into the city. Thing is I think I am too tired to go on. I don't wont either. I think I just wanna an easy way out. Nobody ever reads this so I dont feel afraid to put it on here. I want to kill myself. I have fallen too many times and I just haven't got the will to fight anymore. I haven't chose a method yet but soon I will. Sorry. I tried! |