"Oh gosh," she cried, "I forgot! I've got a date with Specs tonight! Bye!" She jumped up and ran out the door. Everyone in the room stood frozen in place. Davy, still gripping the knife. Esther and Mayer, looking at the broken chair. Les, looking down sadly, upset because nothing had happened. Jack clenched his fists and stared at the door Sarah had just left out of. He kicked it. They had been so close! He yelled curses and jumped right out the window. He thought it was the one with the fire escape, but it wasn't. Les ran to the window to see Jack hit the ground. If Sarah's being 'knifed' wasn't gory, then Jack's smashing would do. But Jack landed on Teddy Roosevelt's passing carriage, and he was ok. A sigh of relief from every Balehead was heard around the world.
Racetrack sighed and laid out the last of his money. He had bet all he had, on his 'hot tip', and hoped the horse wouldn't let him down. But he grinned when he saw his horse going so much faster than the others. He dreamed of what he would do with his money- buy a permanent box at the Sheepshead Races. Race leaned foreword in his seat and squinted. Someone had run onto the track. "Snitch?" Race thought he heard something. "DON'T TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was Snitch and Dutchy was right behind him, yelling "Come back, my love!" Snitch ran screaming, right in front of Racetrack's horse! "Hey!" Race yelled, and threw a brick at Snitch, but it missed and hit his horse. The horse crumbled into a small pile upon impact. The other horses ran ahead to eat it. "Damn brown sugar horses!" yelled Racetrack, "They ALWAYS sneak a few in here!" The horses who had eaten Racetrack's horse ran around wildly, on a sugar high. They ran into the stands. "Evacuate the building!" cried one man. Everyone ran out, screaming. Racetrack stayed, scooping up all of the betting-money that remained. He stuffed his pockets, but then a large horse came and ate all of the money. "Hey, HEY! Stop it, ya dumb horse!" Race flailed his arms at the horse, but it was no use. Race sighed and joined the mob of screaming people trying to get out.
Spot sat on his post. He saw a lynch mob coming nearer and nearer. "Cheese it!" he cried, "Get the knockwurst!" And they all got some knockwurst to shoot off of their slingshots at the lynch mob, because they ran out of marbles. Brooklyn started shooting the knockwurst at the crowd. Spot shot one guy in the mouth, and he died because he was allergic to knockwurst. Somebody threw Racetrack's brick at Spot. Spot started spinning around, and then fell of off the Brooklyn Bridge. Brooklyn gasped as Spot fell farther and farther down, and then he sunk into the ocean. The lynch mob cheered. Brooklyn had a moment of silence.
Sarah and Specs walked to Irving Hall. Specs couldn't be late to the ballet- he was in it! He was so excited to show off to Sarah how well he could pirouette. Sarah sat in her favorite Little Bo Peep outfit in the front row. She couldn't wait to see her man dance ballet. She sighed as she remembered her relationship with Jack so long ago. Specs was SO much more masculine than Jack- he did all sorts of athletic things like ballet, and hopscotch. And nobody appreciated doilies like Specs. She grinned as she waited for the curtain to go up. She started to talk to the woman next to her. Sarah recognized her as Kloppman's wife. She was very old, and looked just like Kloppman. "My boyfriend is in this show!" she cried, excited. The woman scowled. "I hate men who do ballet. They are so fruity." Sarah glared. "Specs isn't fruity! Just wait 'till you see him! You'll wish he was yours! He'll be the finest guy on the stage." "He'll be the only guy on the stage." Sarah boiled with anger. Her face flushed. "What kind of a profession is waking up a bunch of guys?" she asked. Kloppman's wife scowled. "I think it's a wonderful profession. He's so fine, it doesn't matter what he does for a living." Sarah snorted, "You calling that old guy fine? And you dare to insult my Specs? I oughta.... throw doilies at you!" The old woman burst out laughing. Then the lights dimmed and the curtain went up. When Specs pranced onto the stage, Sarah grinned. He was looking good. The old woman fumbled in her purse. Aha! She found what she was looking for. Kloppman had stolen it from a nice little boy long ago for her. Kloppman was SO romantic. She hurled the brick at Specs, but missed. The brick creamed one of the nice little girls dancing on stage. The girl fell over, but nobody noticed. The show must go on. Sarah turned and gaped at Kloppman's wife. "Why'd you throw that brick at that little girl?" The woman rolled her eyes as if Sarah was dumb as dirt.
Everybody heard the sound first. At first it was a faint "don't touch meeeeeeeeee" but pretty soon Snitch went running across the stage, yelling "DON'T TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Dutchy, right behind him, was shouting "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night." (Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene 5, Lines 51-52) The old woman found another brick in her purse and threw it at Snitch. Sarah caught a glimpse of the writing on it. It said Racetrack Higgins. It missed Snitch by a mile, bounced off the back of the theater, and hit Dutchy. "Oh churl!" (Romeo and Juliet, Act 5, scene 3, line 163) cried Dutchy, but continued chasing after Snitch. Only now, the pain of the brick added to his drunkness and made him slow down. The ballet dancers continued to dance. The show must go on.
Lynn and Geoff had flown to England. Lynn was still 14, but now Geoff was 14 too. He'd used to be 12, and Lynn was 14... but now it's different. They had flown to England just so they could get on Titanic and go back to New Yawk. So they were on Titanic now. They were leaning over the side of the boat, and Geoff was teaching Lynn how to spit. "Hey, good idea!" cried Leo, "I think I'll teach that girl over there how to spit!" Lynn rolled her eyes, "Leo is so romantic, isn't he?" Geoff didn't quite know how to answer that one. Suddenly, he spun around. "Matt!" he cried, "My friend from Little League!" The two boys went running at each other and-ow- smashed into each other. It's a guy thing. They didn't seem to think it hurt. "Hey Matt, this is Lynn." said Geoff. Matt remembered Lynn from somewhere. Long ago. The only problem was... he wasn't sure when. Geoff looked up. He saw an iceberg. An evil plot to be rid of Leo forever started formulating in his head, much like Lynn's idea of dropping a bomb on the seventh graders during choir. He walked up to the iceberg. "Hey, I'll pay you $50 if you sink this ship." The iceberg shook it's head 'no'. "$100 bucks?" begged Matt. The iceberg shook it's head 'no'. Lynn had heard the discussion, and went to join the boys. "A lifetime supply of knockwurst.... and warheads?" she begged. "Okay," said the iceberg.
That night....
The iceberg smiled as it thought about the knockwurst and the warheads it was going to get when it sunk
this boat. It stalked the boat all night long. And just when the crew was least expecting it, that iceberg
went ramming speed and smashed into the ship.
"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" cried the Titanic. It
started to sink. Matt, Geoff, and Lynn were standing on the deck. "Hmm... we're gonna die, aren't we?"
Matt asked. "Yes, maybe we are. That's not good." "Great thinking GEOFF..." "Hey, Lynn's the one
that made the deal." "Yeah, well it was your idea." "Yeah, well YOU offered 100 bucks." "Yeah, it
didn't take 100 bucks so it doesn't matter!" "Well... you hit Dusty!" "WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????"
They all looked at each other and screamed "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!" The iceberg wondered if he
would get his reward if they all died. He certainly hoped so. He wished he'd had some sort of signature,
or that icebergs had hands, so he could have shook on the deal. The iceberg grumbled to itself, and
decided to go ramming speed into the ship again. Just for good measure. Only problem is it missed the
ship and went ramming speed all the way to Africa, where it melted into a little ice cube, and someone put
it in their drink. They drank the ice cube, and had a feeling it had changed history a few minutes ago. It
just... tasted that way. Anyways... Lynn, Matt and Geoff thought they were gonna die....
Lynn ran downstairs. Just to make sure that they were sinking. Then she noticed.... Leo! He was chained to a pole. Lynn grinned. She walked over to Leo. "Hey dere, Leo. How ya doin'? Who chained ya' to a pole?" Leo grimaced, "Girl, there's an axe outside. Will you go get it?" Lynn smiled. "Yes... I'll get the knife -er- the axe." Lynn walked back into the room where Leo was. "Ha ha ha ha!!!" she cried, evilly. She went running at him with the axe. Leo kicked her. "OW!" screamed Lynn. He kicked her again. "STOP IT!!!" Suddenly, "Neva' fea', Geoff an' Matt's hea'!" They started pelting warheads (you know, those sour things that turn your mouth blue) at Leo. Leo threw his sketchbook at them, in an attempt to make them stop. Matt picked it up and started paging through it. "Geoff! Come on, we gotta look at this!" Geoff dropped his slingshot and walked over to Matt. They both walked into another room to look at the pictures. Lynn rolled her eyes. "What exactly ARE those pictures of?" she asked. Leo didn't answer, he looked down at the ground. Lynn seized the day and chopped Leo up with the axe. Pretty soon, he was no longer recognizable. Geoff and Matt walked into the room, without the sketchbook. "LYNN! That's disgusting." "Oh, and you're not!? You leave me with that... that thing to go look at pictures of naked women?!" They looked at the ground, embarrassed. She pelted warheads at them. Then the boat sunk, and they swam to Brooklyn where they found Spot, who fell off the Brooklyn Bridge. They all surfaced. "It's Spot!" cried Brooklyn. "And Lynn... and two random guys!" cried Powder. Matt and Geoff became newsies and lived happily ever after... for a while...
Epilogue
Dutchy continued chasing Snitch for 3 days. In the end, he proposed to him with a knockwurst.
Snitch bashed Dutchy over the head with the knockwurst, and Dutchy sobered up. He ran away from
home and stayed in a little red brick house off the shores of Captiva Island (yeah, it was in the water) with
three manatees- Pokey, Lumpy and Bumpy. (Lumpy was the smart one, Bumpy was the dumb one, and
Pokey was the cute one).
Sarah watched the rest of the ballet with utter disgust. Afterwards, she and Specs "broke up", although Sarah was the one with five black eyes. (Only Sarah can have five black eyes at once. Although Jack can get a dime a day and a few black eyes.) She then dated Matt, and got 7 more black eyes within 5 minutes of their first date at the Seneca Wastewater Treatment Plant. (Lynn helped). She finally found the guy of her dreams and he loved her too. I can't say his name because it's a swear word.
Racetrack's bricks became illegal because he killed 8 people and gave Sarah 90 black eyes. The police then confiscated them and put them in your brick house. Yes, yours.
Spot died. But then someone sprayed him with Alive Spray and he came to life again.
Matt and Geoff hated being newsies. They tried suicide (Geoff took poison and Matt dated Sarah.) Neither one died because Matt couldn't handle dating Sarah (because she looked too much like his sister, not to mention... it's Sarah), and the poison just didn't kill Geoff. Lynn cheered.
Itey is still seducing Angela..
Before anything else...here's a link to Marie's Parody 2! Don't miss out on the continuing action!
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