by Rachel Torrent

Julie sat at her breakfast bar in her kitchen and heard that Fleetwood Mac “Silver Spring” song in her head: “So I’ll begin not to love you. Turn around. See me running. I’ll say I loved you years ago, and tell myself you never loved me.”

He’ll be home soon, and I’ll have to tell him, she thought. Tonight I’ve made up my mind to do it, and now there’s no turning back. I know I’ll be hurting him, mortally wounding him. But I can’t go on with the current status quo. It’s not fair to him. Or to the other one. Things must change. I’ve decided to make things change.

She knew she’d made the decision to change things about a month before when she first chose to spend time with Roger. Ah, Roger. As horrid as the torment inside her was, she felt waves of relief wash over her when she allowed her mind to visualize him. And her raging psyche cowered into submission when she remembered his voice saying to her, “It’ll be okay, baby. You gotta tell him. I want you all to myself.”

The beginning, as she retraced the story now, had been the Monday night she’d left the restaurant early because business was slow. Earl Ray had planned to spend the evening watching football at one of his hangouts with the guys, and she wondered if maybe he’d change his mind and leave with her since she’d gotten out of work unexpectedly.

What she had in mind was touching every inch of his body with every inch of hers. She kept imaging his hands on her bare skin. And she was sure he’d see this blatant desire in her eyes and gladly leave his buddies for her. She knew he wasn’t at Renaissance, so she tried the next most logical spot – Roger’s Coiled Snake Pit.

Inside the doorway of the Pit, she squinted and tried to adjust her eyes to the darkness. This place perfectly reflected what she knew about its owner’s personality. A shadowy, brooding, echoing, den- like kind of atmosphere. And there was a chill in the air. She didn’t see her husband. But she did see Roger as he emerged slowly -- seemingly from the fog and smoke – and came towards her. He wore all black. She couldn’t determine exactly what he wore, but she could see that it was all black. Typical.

He smiled just slightly as he walked up to her. His warmest welcome to the bowels of the earth. “Hi, Julie. To what do I owe this honor? The town’s most honorable chef in my little dump?”

“Hey, Roger. This place isn’t a dump. It’s just dark. Is my husband around?”

“Not anymore. He and that LaMont guy left about an hour ago. Right after I got here. I don’t think that guy likes me.” His green eyes were moving over her face and body. She felt naked.

“Scottie’s a hard person to get to know. Did they say where they were going? I mean they’re not up at my place either.”

“No. I’d guess they’re down at that dive outside town. Le Bec Fin, I think it’s called. But, hey, since you’re here, want something to drink? My manners are atrocious sometimes.” He held out his arm in a welcoming gesture, and she couldn’t refuse him. He wasn’t exactly charming, but she felt drawn to him. She’d felt “drawn” to him in the past. She and Sahndra both had lusted after him, no doubt about that.

So she joined him at a tiny table near the bar. As they sat there and talked, she forgot why she’d come in this place to begin with. Roger had captured all of her attention. He was so pleasant to look at, and tonight at least he was open and friendly.

When he asked her if she’d stay and eat with him, she instantly agreed. Earl Ray was off enjoying himself with Scottie, and so she allowed herself to enjoy Roger. He apologized for the kitchen. “It AIN’T what you’re used to. I’m a little embarrassed to subject you to it.”

“Roger, if you want, I can fix that. I could revamp the menu and give the cook some improvement tips.” She couldn’t stop looking at him. He was pretty.

“A culinary overhaul? Yeah, that’s what this place needs. You’d do that?”

“Sure. No charge.”

“Oh, I’d have to pay you something.”

I’d love to have you indebted to me, she thought. I’d love to sit here all day and night just looking at you.

After they ate and had a couple more drinks, she pulled herself away from his presence and went home. But she replayed all their conversation in her head and smiled to herself. Desirable. That was the word for him. He was so very desirable, and never seemed to hang around with any particular woman. Oh, to touch him just once, she dreamed.

The next day, after the lunch crowd had died down, Roger stopped by Renaissance with a Snake Pit menu. Did she have time to go over this now? Or he could come back the next day. No, God, don’t leave, she screamed in her head. Please stay.

So they sat out on the patio with some iced tea and sandwiches while Julie came up with a whole new menu, a healthier, tastier menu, for his bar. “So I can come by sometime before you implement this and coach your cook on how to prepare everything,” she told him, not tasting her sandwich as she watched him.

“Well, the sooner the better. You just say when.” He smiled at her. He didn’t smile much, she knew. But she also knew she could get used to seeing that smile.

She stopped by the Pit the next day for her appointment with the cook, Randall. As she stood outside the kitchen door, the waiter who’d greeted her went to get Randall. She overheard talk from the kitchen.

“Hey, Randall! That Michaels lady is out there for ya.”

And another waiter said, “Is that the one the boss can’t shut up about?”

“Yeah, I think so. But he’d better keep his mouth shut. She’s married to that Green Beret guy down at the Army store.”

“Aaaaaa. Roger ain’t scared of nobody.”

Julie’s heart raced. Roger had been talking about her? Positively? She hadn’t considered that he even thought about her when she wasn’t in front of him. This was certainly a new twist.

Roger came in as she was giving lessons to Randall. She sensed the entire staff straighten up and take notice of his presence. Like the plantation owner coming through the midst of the slave quarters. But he wasn’t arrogant to them. He hardly took notice of them at all. His focus was on Julie.

“Don’t give him too many of your secrets. I don’t wanna steal ALL of your customers.” He laughed and put his hand on her back. Just for a second.

Julie melted inside at his touch. Now that she knew she was in his thoughts. “Right. Like that’ll happen,” she said back to him.

Afterwards, he walked her to the front door of the bar and kissed her cheek. She hadn’t expected that. “Thanks so much. How can I pay you?”

“I said I’d do this gratis, Roger.”

“Nothing is free. Can I buy you dinner?”

She looked at him and hesitated. So he said, “Bring Earl Ray too.”

“No, it’s not that. He won’t care.”

“Then what? Am I that repelling?”

She laughed. “No, Roger. Not at all. Okay. Dinner on you.” Then me on you, she thought.

“Monday night then. Doesn’t he do the Monday night football thing?”

“Yeah. Usually.” Her mind was spinning.

“And he’ll be okay with it?”

“I’ll tell him it’s payment for a job. And it is, right?”

“Yeah, Julie. Payment for a job.” She thought he sounded a little hurt. “Thanks again.”

She thought about him for the next few days and couldn’t help but look forward to Monday night. Earl Ray hadn’t given it a second thought. He always let her do exactly what she wanted to do. He trusted her entirely. She’d never given him a reason not to. Not yet.

The dinner was a smashing success. He drove her to an Italian place in the next town where he’d made reservations. He was a complete gentleman to her, and she felt like they were going to the prom. He was warm and friendly again and complimented her more than usual. When he dropped her off at her house, she wondered if he’d try to kiss her. And she found herself wanting him to.

And he did. Sort of.

Before she opened the BMW’s door, she turned to him and held out her hand to shake. He took it gently and kissed it. Then he raised his eyes to her face and said quietly, “What will I use for an excuse next time?”

She made a tiny gasping sound before she could stop herself. And also before she could stop herself, she said to him, “You don’t need an excuse.”

“Then I’ll call you.” Still holding her hand, he kissed it again.

“I’d like that. Thanks for a lovely evening.”

She quickly got out of the car and went into the house without turning around. He waited until she was safely inside before he drove off. Her head was really spinning now. What was that all about? What was she getting herself into? She undressed and got into bed before Earl Ray came home. She had lots of thinking to do. About Roger.

She knew she was beginning to care too much about him. It scared her. And now to discover that he was interested in her too blew her mind. I love my husband, she thought. I really do. What is happening inside me?

Two days later when she hadn’t heard anything from Roger, she called the Snake Pit, identified herself and asked for him. She had to find out if she was imagining how he was beginning to act towards her.

Whoever answered put the phone down and said, not very quietly, “Hey, boss. It’s for you. It’s your girlfriend.”

When he got on the line, she asked him, “So is that true? Am I your girlfriend?”

Silence for a second. Then he said, “Well………would that be so horrible?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to call.” She didn’t know how to do this. She was so used to being married.

“I didn’t want to scare you. I do that sometimes. Are you free now?” He spoke quietly, like in the car.

“Yeah.”

“Can you meet me at my loft?”

“I’ll meet you there.” She hung up the phone and found herself panting. He wanted to see her. And she wanted to see him. Was this what it felt like to cheat?

Julie hurried over to the far side of town where Roger lived in his loft all alone. Rain was pouring down outside. He met her downstairs, and they didn’t speak until they got up to his living quarters. She was nervous and unfocused.

He touched her arm and said to her, “I didn’t call you ‘cause I didn’t want to scare you off. I’m glad you’re here now.”

What all happened next was fast and blurry to her. She was in his arms, and she couldn’t have told you how she got there. He was kissing her mouth, her face, her throat. She was kissing him too and touching this man she’d wanted to touch for what seemed like lifetimes. His mouth was warm and delicious to her, but she couldn’t have described it later. His hands were exploring her body, and she felt his hardness pressed against her thigh.

Somehow, they got to his bed, a huge antique brass bed, and tumbled onto it. Still kissing and laughing, they managed to undress each other. Roger’s hands on her skin electrified her. All Julie could think of was making love to him. Being next to him so intimately. Earl Ray entered her thoughts not even once.

When Roger entered her, she gasped. Her whole body was on fire. She was being lovingly invaded by someone she’d wanted from afar for some time. To feel him moving in and out of her as she touched his chest and arms made her forget everything else in the world. Was that lightening happening outside the window or in her mind?

He came explosively and quickly inside her as she lay under him and watched his face. His eyes were closed. The sound of the thunder seemed to echo what he was feeling. He shuddered and collapsed on the bed beside her. She lay there next to him, feeling his sweaty arm against hers, and felt her own body still aching for him. As if he sensed this, he recovered and rolled over to her.

Still breathing heavily, he smiled at her. “Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. You felt so damn good.”

He was beautiful in his post-orgasmic splendor. She couldn’t say anything back to him. How did I get here? she heard in her head. So she just wiped sweat off his forehead.

He kissed her breasts as he ran his hand tenderly down her chest to her stomach to her abdomen. Then to her crotch.

“Hey……….come here,” he whispered to her. She opened her eyes to see him on his back again. She sat up and climbed on top of him. Thunder rolled outside, and rain pelted the windows in the big warehouse.

Once during the passion, she opened her eyes and looked down at him. He was looking at her body and smiling up at her. “You’re lovelier than I’d imagined.”

Then he readied himself for another release of his own. He pumped up into her. Then he reached up and gently squeezed her breasts and closed his eyes and exploded inside her. She steadied herself by placing her palms on his sweaty chest.

They lay next to each other listening to the rain for a while. He had his hand over hers.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he said quietly.

Julie smiled to herself. She had too. “Really, now? Why didn’t you? Because I’m married?”

“No……..you’re still married now, aren’t you? I didn’t even try because you didn’t seem interested.”

Julie laughed out loud. “Didn’t seem interested? Are you kidding? Lots of women in this town want to get you in bed.”

“You’re not like lots of women.”

She took that as a compliment from him. He didn’t say much else until she sat up and told him she had to get home to the husband. A pang of guilt stabbed her then. She’d loved every minute of what she’d just done. But Earl Ray didn’t deserve to be cheated on.

Still lying there naked with his hands behind his head, Roger said, “Do you wish you hadn’t done this?”

She looked at him and screamed NO in her head. “Not at all. I just wish I didn’t have to do it to him.”

“So who’s gonna tell him? Not me.”

“Nobody, I hope.”

She dressed and then sat down on the bed beside him. “I have to go.” She leaned over to kiss his cheek, and he moved his hands to her upper arms and kissed her mouth instead.

“Sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, Roger. I loved it.”

“Enough to come back some time?”

She didn’t even hesitate. She was a pro at cheating now. “Enough to come back. Yes. I’ll see ya.”

Julie went home and took a long shower. Not to wash Roger off her. She wanted him all over her again. She replayed every little detail of their sex over and over in her mind. She knew she cared about him more now than ever. More than she was comfortable admitting to herself.

But what she wanted to wash off was the guilt. She felt horribly dirty for doing what she’d done while being married to a wonderful man who thought he was her one and only for life. And she’d thought he was her one and only too. Until she’d found Roger. Roger stirred things in her that no one ever had. She was aware of this. And scared of it.

Earl Ray came home that evening to her professionally cooked meal and was his usual cheerful self. It maddened her to keep this huge secret from him. To pretend that all was as well as it had been before today. Before Roger. But as much as she desired Roger, she also desired to not hurt her husband. So she kept on pretending. Is this how it’s done? she wondered to herself. Is this what Prozac’s for?

* * *

Roger didn’t call her for three days, and she was out of her mind with doubts. She’d really thought he wanted to see her again. And she certainly wanted to see him again. At whatever cost. Had she been wrong about him? Had she slept around on Earl Ray for nothing?

Just before she left the restaurant one afternoon, Caleb told her the phone was for her.

“Hi, beautiful.” His bedroom voice.

“Where’ve you been?” She knew she sounded too upset.

“Here. All by myself. Remembering how you looked on top of me.”

“Stop it, Roger. I’m not into phone sex.”

“I couldn’t very well send you roses, now could I?”

“You could have called.”

“I’m calling now, sweetheart. Can you come over?”

“Have you eaten lunch?”

She brought some entrees over to the loft, and they sat at the bar and consumed them. Roger was in high spirits, wearing his light-colored tight jeans and a denim shirt, open to reveal a gray T-shirt. She soaked in every drop of him. Every line in his face. Every scent. Every tiny expression.

He talked about the results of the new menu and other Snake Pit news. She filled him in on Renaissance current events. Neither mentioned Earl Ray. As she was cleaning up the bar after they ate, he put his hands on her ass from behind. She froze. Her body instantly began responding to his touch.

“I’ve been waiting for this,” he whispered to her.

This sex was hot, quick and satisfying for both of them.

“You do something to me, Julie,” he told her, panting.

As she left the loft that day, he hugged her and kissed her more passionately than when she left the last time.

“You still cool with this, baby?”

It thrilled her to hear him call her “baby.”

“Yes, Roger.”

“You’ll let me know if you’re not?”

“Yes, Roger.”

I could spend my whole life telling him “yes,” she thought on the way home. She was sure she was in love with him. Frightening, but true. He occupied her every waking and sleeping thought. Yes, she still loved Earl Ray. Nothing about that had changed. But she craved Roger with every cell in her body. She knew she’d never get enough of him.

Sahndra and Scottie returned from Amsterdam the next day, and Julie and Sahndra had their girl chat to catch each other up on their respective lives. Sahndra and Scottie were a happily married couple once again. They’d patched up the “Jacklene” thing, and Sahndra had chosen not to tell him about the “Jack French” thing. Then Julie filled Sahndra in on all the sordid details of her recent days. The passion. The betrayal. The torment.

“You’re fucking Roger and Earl Ray at the same time?” Sahndra was incredulous.

“It’s not a problem so far. Earl Ray and I never had a problem in bed. I act like nothing is wrong, as much as I can.”

“And how long is this little affair gonna go on? Pray tell!”

“I love Roger, Sahndra. It’s past the affair stage. For me anyway.”

Sahndra couldn’t fault Julie for her emotions. But she didn’t want to see Earl Ray hurt. She was torn. “Maybe you should cut Earl Ray loose. Don’t drag him along.”

Julie couldn’t force herself to do this yet. She didn’t want to see Earl Ray hurt either. And she wasn’t sure if Roger would support such a drastic change. She wasn’t sure if he was as serious about the whole thing as she knew she was.

Her next meeting with him was at the loft yet again. But he’d come by the restaurant for lunch so that he could invite her back with him. He brought her some “friendly” yellow tulips as a showy token of gratitude for the rehabilitating of the Snake Pit dining scene. When he gave them to her, he raised his eyebrows slightly, and she understood he was being discreet. Yes, I do love him, she heard in her head.

Back at the loft, he had three perfect red roses waiting in a vase there for her. She smiled. “Does that mean that today is to be our third time?” she asked.

“That was the idea,” he answered.

He was slow and gentle with her this time, as if they had days and days to make love. He made sure she had her ecstacy first by bringing her to her much-anticipated climax with his tongue. She writhed on the bed as he teased her. Then he had his own pleasure for what seemed to her hours before exploding himself, saying her name as he unleashed a flood inside her. He laid down beside her, half on her, and she felt his heavy breathing on her neck.

In a faint whisper, through panting, he said into her ear, “Would it be credible if I told you right now that I love you?”

She froze. Again. She didn’t know if she’d heard him correctly.

“Do you?” Her heart was in her throat.

“I do.”

“God, I love you too.” She turned over to him and was wrapped up in him immediately. She couldn’t remember being so happy. He was exactly what she’d waited her whole life for, and she hadn’t even known she’d been waiting.

She had to leave the roses there, obviously. But this parting was the sweetest one of all. So far. She didn’t want to leave him. And he wanted her to stay. But she had someone else waiting at home for her.

Over the next week, Julie agonized over how awful she was being to Earl Ray. And she agonized over not being able to touch Roger. All of their schedules made it impossible for her and Roger to meet privately. She saw him socially. At the Snake Pit and at Renaissance. But that was painful too. She was with Earl Ray. And she saw in Roger’s eyes that he wanted her. She knew that look in his eyes now.

Sex with Earl Ray was no different than usual. Not physically, at least. It had always been good with him. She still pretended all was well and even enjoyed her orgasms. She made sure he had his pleasure too. She still loved him. But she loved Roger more. She cried more and more now in the bathroom when Earl Ray couldn’t see her.

After a week of being apart, she and Roger spend one torrid afternoon in his brass bed, fucking. Making love. Having sex. Eating each other alive. I’m cheating Heaven itself to be having so much pleasure, she heard in her head.

He was propped up on his elbow beside her on the bed when they’d finished and looking at her body. He touched her stomach.

“Are you still sleeping with him?”

Julie didn’t look at him. She hadn’t expected this. “Yes. How else can I pretend everything is normal?”

“And you like it?”

“Oh, c’mon, Roger. What are you saying?”

“I don’t like it. I don’t want him touching you anymore.”

“Really, now? And what exactly am I supposed to do?” Were they having a fight? She didn’t want to fight with him.

“Tell him.” Roger wasn’t angry. He was matter-of-fact.

“Tell him? About us? What are you? On drugs?”

“Why NOT tell him? He has to know eventually, doesn’t he?”

“Does he? Says who? Why do I have to wreck his whole world just because YOU don’t like to think about me sleeping with MY HUSBAND? Huh, Roger?” Julie was getting upset.

“Honey, you know I love ya.” He traced the curve of her breast with his finger.

“Yeah, Roger. I do recall you told me that once. Once.”

He stopped and looked at her. He pursed his lips. “What do ya want? To move in here? Done! Move in tonight! Ya wanna get married? We can do that too!”

She had tears in her eyes when she looked at him. “I just want you, Roger. I really don’t want to hurt him.”

“I understand that. But he has to find out. I want you all to myself. Call me selfish.”

She lay there for several minutes without answering him. Then she made her decision. “Okay. If I can be assured that I won’t lose you, I’ll make myself tell him.”

“Oh, you got me, baby. I ain’t going anywhere.”

Julie was terribly depressed after that conversation. She felt elated that Roger loved her enough to bring their “affair” out into the open and make it official. She loved him with her whole being. But thinking of the crushing knowledge that she had to give Earl Ray took her strength away. Roger was as much of a comforting support as he knew how to be in this situation. And she drank in as much as he could give.

Two days later was Friday. And Julie sat at her breakfast bar in her kitchen and heard that Fleetwood Mac “Silver Spring” song in her head: “So I’ll begin not to love you. Turn around. See me running. I’ll say I loved you years ago, and tell myself you never loved me.”

On to Part II