by Rachel Torrent

Earl Ray sat down on the edge of the bed beside Julie and kissed her cheek to wake her up. It was late on a Saturday afternoon. He’d been at the shooting range with Scottie and Scottie’s new toy -- a fancy new hand gun. Scottie had to leave early, though, for out-of-town business.

He was just a little concerned that his wife was sleeping in the daytime. Especially on Saturday when she usually slept late anyway. And she’d been distant and mopey the past few days too. Earl Ray thought she might be unwell and not telling him. Sparing him.

So he kissed her again, on the ear lobe, and smiled at her when she opened her eyes. Then he saw immediately that those eyes were swollen and red. But he maintained his smile. For her.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty. I waited for you down at the range.” He rubbed his hand lovingly down her side as she turned over onto her back.

“Sorry, honey. I wasn’t up to it. It’s so damn loud down there.” She looked away from him, and he knew then that something was not right.

“You feeling okay?”

“No. Not really. But I’ll be fine in a minute or two. I’ll still make you that roast you wanted.” She still would only glance at him quickly. He thought he saw fresh tears in her puffy eyes.

“Aw, Julie, you don’t havta cook for me. I’ll make you something. What’s the matter? Why you been crying?”

She looked straight at him now, with a terribly sad expression. He waited. Then she sat up in the bed, and he arranged the pillows behind her. She sat back. A huge tear rolled down each cheek as she stared at him.

“What in the hell is it, baby?” He wiped her face with his rough hand.

“I got some bad news, Earl Ray. Really bad news. But I think I got it figured out. A solution, I mean. A way to fix the situation.” Her voice was breaking up.

He moved closer to her, his hips touching hers now, and put his arm on her waist and thigh. “It can’t be that bad. I’m here. Tell me and we’ll deal with it.”

No, WE won’t, Julie thought as she looked into his eyes. She’d already begun to deal with this thing, and it was something she knew all too well that he didn’t want to deal with at all. Not now. Not ever. Not under ANY circumstances.

He’d made it very clear many times in the past. All discussion on this subject was over. In her mind, she could still hear him saying, “I don’t even like all those damn baby smells, that lotion and powder and stuff that everyone else loves. Thanks, but no thanks.”

“Earl Ray, that pregnancy test you’ll find in the bathroom came out positive.” She choked on the last word but managed to get it out while looking into his eyes.

Her husband stared back at her. His expression went from smiling comfort to blank nothingness. “Really,” was all he answered. It wasn’t a question. It was a mask for what he was actually thinking, what he couldn’t say.

“Yes, but—”

“How did this happen? What about your pills?” He didn’t sound gentle and caring anymore even though she thought he was trying to.

“Honey, there’s always a slim percentage of error with those pills. I guess I fell into that tiny crack.” She sounded desperate. She knew he was upset. He adamantly didn’t want children around. He didn’t want to share his life with anyone but her.

“You been taking them like you’re supposed to?” His smile didn’t return. He was interrogating her.

“Yes, Earl Ray! You think I WANTED this to happen?” She couldn’t believe him.

“Did you? Maybe that biological clock or whatever is ticking or something,” he said gruffly to her.

She swallowed back some tears. “Honey, please. Don’t be upset. I didn’t do it on purpose. You know I wouldn’t do that. We’ve talked about this. I don’t want a baby either.”

“Well, it’s a little late for that now, ain’t it?” He squinted at her and sounded cruel. He never sounded cruel. Not to her.

“No, it’s not. I’ve decided to get rid of it. Right away. It’ll be best.”

Now his eyes opened wide in disbelief. Or maybe anger. “You what?” he screamed at her. “You DECIDED? This is something you can decided without talking to me about it? Is that it? I don’t even get a two cents worth?”

He was more than angry. Julie had never seen him this furious. She didn’t rule out that he might strike her.

“Come on, Earl Ray. You and I both know what your two cents worth would be.”

He jumped up off the bed and stormed away from her. “But you didn’t even fucking ask me! Tell you what! You don’t need me here in the way while you’re making all your big decisions. You got everything all worked out, Julie. What the hell am I good for anyway? And besides, I got no desire to be around you right now anyhow. You make me sick. So just go to hell. I’m outta here.” He was changing clothes over at the closet and not looking at her.

She stared at him from the bed. “You’re walking out on me? Right now? When I need you the most?”

“Don’t give me that shit. You don’t need me.” He still didn’t look at her. Was he packing a bag? She couldn’t tell.

“I do. I need to talk to you. I need you to talk to me. To help me through this like you help me through everything. I’ve never been pregnant before. I’ve never had to plan for an abortion before. You think this is easy on me? Where are you going?” She stood up. She couldn’t believe he was really reacting this way.

“Away from you. None of your damn business. And don’t try to pretend ya need my help. You don’t need anything. You’re stronger than all the rest of us put together. You probably planned this all along. If you wanted a goddamn family, why didn’t you marry some sucker who’d gladly give ya one? I ain’t your man for that.”

“You’re my husband, and I love you. I didn’t plan this. It’s an accident, and you’re blaming me. I’m trying to fix it, but you’re leaving! How can you do this?” She started crying all over again.

He finished packing his bag and looked up at her. “If ya had it all figured out, why bother me with it in the first place? Why not go ahead and have it flushed out and just spare me the details? Huh, Julie? What kinda little head game were ya trying to play with me?”

“I wasn’t playing any damn games! And why don’t you have a fucking vasectomy if you don’t want a baby? Huh? Why is this all my fault, you bastard?” She was angry too now. And still sobbing.

He stood dead still in the middle of the room. Looking at her. For what seemed like an hour. Then, without a word or anything, he turned and left. She watched him go. She listened for the door to slam and the car to start. Then she laid back down and wept.

She laid on the bed alone in the darkness until the phone rang about two hours later. Hoping it was Earl Ray, she grabbed it immediately.

“Hello?”

“Hiya. What’s up? Were you asleep?” It was Sahndra.

“No. Dead, maybe. Not asleep.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m pregnant and about to be divorced,” Julie got all the details out right away.

“Holy shit. Really?”

“Really. Don’t know how the pills failed. But they did. The test said so anyway. And now Earl Ray can’t handle it. He left me.”

“He left you? Are you for real?”

“He’s gone, Sahndra. He took clothes.”

“I’m coming over there. And if I see him on the way, I’m gonna kick his ass.”

“Leave him alone. He’s having a rough time.”

“Yeah, he’ll think rough time if I catch up with him. Asshole. Knocking you up and then leaving you.”

When Sahndra got over there, she’d brought with her four more fresh pregnancy tests. “Oh, I gotta go through this four more times? Thanks, pal, ” Julie said.

“Hey, shut up. I’ve done this before. These stupid tests vary. You can never be too sure. Get in the bathroom and start peeing.” Sahndra handed her the tests.

Only one of the new tests was positive, like the first one. And the other three were negative. “See?” Sahndra said. “Three to two. You may not even have that bun in the oven. Make an appointment Monday. Get the doctor to check it.”

“And then what? Ask him for a referral to a good abortionist?” Julie still had those swollen eyes. She figured she looked as crappy as she felt.

“No, we’ll just yank it out with a coat hanger. Whadaya think? If you want an abortion, then yes. Ask him who he recommends. It’s not a crime. But I’ll bet you’re not even pregnant.”

“Then all that bullshit was for nothing,” Julie said, remembering the fight.

“No, all that bullshit was to show you Earl Ray’s true colors. He’s acting like a jackass. He should be here with you right now.”

“Where do ya think he is?”

“Do you care?”

“No,” Julie said. But she knew she was lying. She cared a lot.

The next day, Sunday, Julie went in to the restaurant even though they weren’t expecting her. She had no one at home to sit in bed and read the Sunday papers with. Like a usual Sunday. The house was lonely. And she was depressed. She hadn’t heard from Earl Ray all night. She had no idea where he was. So she wanted a distraction.

The kitchen was busy. Both her regular cooks were working, so she played the part of hostess and overseer all afternoon. Around three, Darla, the regular hostess, came into the kitchen to tell her she had a visitor in the bar area. Her heart leapt. She thought it might be him. Maybe he’d come to sweep her off her feet and carry her home. She checked her face in a mirror and hurried out there.

Roger Lococco was waiting for her.

And, God, did he look good. She tried not to notice. “Hey, Roger. What’s up?” she said, walking up to him.

“Hi.” He smiled, just slightly. “ I was wondering…..did you lose something?”

“Ummmm……Like?”

“Like a husband. I found one. Thought it might be yours.”

“I am without one at the moment. But I didn’t lose him. He ran away.”

“I see. Well, just thought you’d like to know where he is,” Roger said.

“Thanks, Roger. I appreciate whatever you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything. He was still at the Snake Pit last night at closing. He said things weren’t rosy at home. So I took him to the loft. He couldn’t have driven home anyway.”

“Thanks again. You’re a real pal to him.”

“No big deal. You okay?” He squinted at her.

“Yeah…..No…….I don’t know. I’ll live.”

“If you wanna talk…..I’m listening.”

“Thanks. But I don’t wanna bother you with my silly problems.”

“Whatever. But if you change your mind, you know where I am,” he said.

She bit her lip. “You’re the best, Roger. Will you take some to-go boxes back if I get them together for you? It’s the least I can do.”

“Hey, I’m not gonna turn down good food. Since I’m here and all.”

So he left with several dinners in Styrofoam boxes. Julie watched him go. He was a thing of magnificent beauty. Something to become obsessed with. That’s what she was thinking.

That night, her phone at home rang, and she jumped for it. She knew it would be her husband this time.

“Hi, beautiful. How’s tricks?”

It was Scottie. He was in Miami. Sahndra must have filled him in.

“Not so hot, Scottie.”

“All alone still?”

“Yeah. Except for this kid.”

“Well, it’ll be all right. I promise. Earl Ray can’t live without you. I know. He’ll be back. You wait and see.”

“Thanks, Scottie. But it’s a little more complicated than that.”

“No, it’s not, angel. Listen. If you’re still hurting when I get back on Tuesday, I’ll damn sure fix things for ya. You can count on that. Whatever it takes, I’ll fix ‘em.”

“I love you, Scottie. I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

Scottie had made her feel better. She actually slept some that night. But no phone calls from her husband.

On Monday afternoon, after she’d cleaned up the whole house, Sahndra called her to see how things were going. When she answered that things were exactly the same as the day before, Sahndra insisted she come over for dinner.

“So you’re gonna cook? Hell hath surely frozen completely over.”

“Oh, funny, smart-mouth bitch. I thought we’d order a pizza.”

“How ‘bout I swing by the restaurant and pick up something?” Julie asked.

“Cool. Hurry up.”

As Julie walked through the kitchen greeting the staff, she overheard one of the waitresses talking about “a fine specimen of a man over at the dining area bar.”

Curious, Julie asked, “You know who it is?”

“Jack something,” was all the waitress knew.

Ah, Jack, Julie thought. Handsome Jack. Smiling Jack. Well-dressed Jack. Suave Jack. Affectionate Jack. She just had to see Jack. Sahndra could wait. She went out to the “fancy” bar, as Earl Ray called it.

“Jack! How good to see you!” For once, she surprised him from behind.

He turned around. Omigod, she thought. He was more than eye-catching. More than arresting. He was stunning. He wore a dark blue double-breasted suit, the jacket of which was hanging on a bar chair. His suspenders fit him perfectly. The sleeves of his baby-blue dress shirt were slightly rolled up. His hair was impeccable. He was standing. He smiled a big smile and hugged her tightly. She let him. It felt good. He felt good.

“Hey, Julie! You look fabulous.”

She could have kissed him on the mouth for that. She needed that. “I was just about to say the same to you.”

He laughed. “Oh, I’ve had a pisser of a day. I’m sure I look like a wreck. My boss and I came over for dinner. We’re waiting for a table. The wait’s about two hours tonight.”

“Hmmmm. And I’m not even cooking. Imagine that.” She smiled at him. His eyes were gorgeous.

He looked over her shoulder. “Where’s Earl Ray?”

“He’s not here. He’s kinda outta town. I’m just picking up something. I’ll get you a table right now. Hold on just a minute.” She turned to go, but Jack grabbed her arm and turned her to face him. Lightly. Caressingly.

“Wait. You’re alone? Why not have dinner with us? Don’t go back home by yourself.” He ran both his hands up and down her arms. She let him.

“Oh, Jack. I can’t tonight. But it sounds like fun.” Oh, it did sound like fun. Sitting at a table with Jack for an hour, watching him. Soaking him in. For later use.

In a low voice, he said, “Ya know…..I’ve been meaning to try to seduce you for some time now…..and if your husband’s not home, then…..isn’t this the perfect time?” He smiled and pursed his lips, as if he was joking. She knew he wasn’t. He still had his hands on her upper arms.

“My….that sounds like fun too…..but….”

He dropped his left hand and moved his right hand down her arm and clasped her hand. Then he raised it to his mouth and kissed it. “You wouldn’t regret it.” He was almost whispering now.

“Jack, I can’t.” But, God, I want to, she thought.

“Why not?” He kissed her hand again. She wondered who might be watching.

“Because a few years ago, I was lucky enough to actually get what was at the top of my wish list. And I still love him.”

“Love doesn’t have to have anything to do with this.” He smiled his most seductive smile.

“Maybe some other time, Jack.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Julie kissed him on the cheek to let him know she still liked him very much. If he even cared. Then she left. On the way out, she told Darla to give Jack and his boss the next available table. No questions asked.

By the time she got to Sahndra’s, her whole body was on fire. “God, my panties are soaked,” she said, rushing in. She told Sahndra the whole Jack story, to lots of Sahndra’s sighing and mock panting. Both of them wanted Jack all over them.

Julie went to the bathroom before they ate and came back out with her face totally white. Sahndra cried out to her, “What the hell happened to you in there?”

“It wasn’t just sex goo on my panties. I started my period.”

“Oh. Is that all? I knew ya weren’t pregnant.” Sahndra was getting into the Styrofoam boxes. Talking about Jack had made her want to eat something.

“So what happens now?” Julie wasn’t hungry at all.

“Have you heard from the asshole?”

“No. I guess he’s still at Roger’s.”

“Screw him. Let him suffer. Let him come crawling back to you.”

“I don’t want him to suffer. I want things to be back to normal. I don’t like this being away from him.”

Sahndra stopped and looked up at her. “Look. I’ll break your legs before I let you go running back to him. He left, and he was wrong. Let him come slinking back. You hear me?”

“Yeah.”

So they ate, and Julie was glad she wasn’t pregnant. Very glad. She just didn’t know what to do about her situation now. Would he ever call her? Did he plan to stay away forever? She had no idea. They’d never had a fight this serious before. Actually, she thought, fights were rare for them. Earl Ray, strangely enough, was always the one trying to circumvent fights.

The more she thought about things, the more she realized that she was wholly the victim here and the he shouldn’t be pitied at all. Sahndra was right. She’d been pitying him. And missing him. And wishing he’d come home to comfort her. So she could make things right again. And it occurred to her that she’d been wrong for thinking in this vein. Her pity and longing for him, she realized, was slowly turning to anger.

The next day, Tuesday, Julie had the lunch shift at Renaissance. She was glad for something to occupy her mind, although her cramps were more horrible than usual, and the bleeding was especially heavy. Prescription pain killers helped a lot.

She got back home about four o’clock that afternoon. She undressed and got into bed to take a nap. She was still hurting, but the medication had made her sleepy too. She’d just gotten warm under the blanket and was dozing off when she heard the front door open. She knew in her gut that Earl Ray was home. She hadn’t seen him in three days. And three nights.

After seeing her car outside and not finding her in the other parts of the house, he walked softly into the bedroom. She was still under the covers, but was watching the door. Their eyes met. He stood still.

“Hey…….Did I wake you up?” He spoke softly, unsure of how she’d respond.

She pushed some covers back so she could breathe. “No. I wasn’t asleep yet. I just got home.”

“I went to the restaurant. They said you’d left. You okay?”

“I’m afraid to answer that. The last time I did, you left.”

He looked down and sucked in his cheeks. “Yeah……I did.” Then he looked back up. “But I been thinking……”

“Really now?” She sat up in the bed and leaned back against the headboard. She knew she sounded sarcastic. She didn’t care. “You’ve certainly had enough time to think.”

Earl Ray slowly walked over and sat on the bed. But he didn’t touch her. He did, however, look into her eyes. She knew he hadn’t been drinking.

“I deserve that.”

“You deserve worse than that. I just don’t feel like dishing it out right now.”

“You’re pissed. I understand,” he said. He was still calm.

Julie didn’t feel calm. “No. You don’t understand. You’re a typical screwed-in-the-head man. You’re selfish and cruel. And I didn’t merit one ounce of the shit you said and did to me.”

“I’m sorry, honey. Really. I know I was wrong,” he said. She believed he really was sorry. But she was angry. He put his hand on her leg through the covers.

“Don’t you touch me.”

“Julie…….”

“Look, Earl Ray. You left me. You’ve been gone for three goddamn days without even a phone call. And now you come waltzing back in and expect me to be happy. Ain’t happening.”

“Roger told you where I was.”

“Roger isn’t my husband! But sometimes it seems like he’d do a better job than the one I’m stuck with!”

This hurt him. She meant it to.

He looked down and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry.”

“You got that right. You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever heard of. I thought you loved me. Well, loving me is the last thing I would call what you did to me Saturday.”

“I do love you,” he said.

“Right. I can damn sure tell. Everybody in this fucking town was more concerned about me than you’ve been.”

He looked up again at her. “I did a lotta thinking. I shoulda never left……..And some of those things I said……....I shoulda bit my tongue……I was wrong…….If………..if you wanna have this baby……….our baby………I should be proud…….And I am……I mean………I’m willing to go through with it……If that’s what you want…….I mean it.”

“Really now?” She wasn’t weakening. Not in the least.

“Yeah…… It wouldn’t be that bad……I don’t guess……You’d be a good mother……And me? Well……...I could learn to be a good daddy……Maybe……I’d try.” He half smiled.

“Yeah? Well, that’s great. And touches my heart in the softest spots. But you’re way too late. I started my period last night. It was a false alarm. And if you’d been here with me like a loving husband, you’d know that already. You bastard.”

“No baby?” She saw hurt in his eyes still. She was succeeding.

“No baby. No thanks to you. So why don’t you leave me alone? I’m feeling like shit, and I was getting used to you not being here anyway. Maybe you were right. Maybe I don’t need you.”

He just looked at her. Stunned. Then he got up and left the room.

Julie felt better then. Avenged would be a better word. She slept like a…….well, like a baby.

TO BE CONTINUED…….

On to Part II