By Micki L. Bailey

Earl Ray didn’t even look up when he heard the door to the Army/Navy story open. He was standing behind the counter going over some figures he had to give to the accountant later. Jason was on his lunch break, and Sahndra would be over soon to go to lunch with him. They were meeting Julie at (where else?) Renaissance. Right now, he was totally absorbed in the numbers before him.

“Hey, man. You look kinda familiar. Do I know you?”

Earl Ray recognized the voice immediately in the split second before he looked up. Standing on the other side of the counter was Zeke, a significant acquaintance, but only an acquaintance, he’d known in the army and hadn’t thought of for years.

“Zeke! Where ya been, man? And what the hell are ya doing here?” They shook hands. Earl Ray was doing his best to smile.

“I tracked your ass down, Earl Ray. You’re a hard man to find. This your store? This what you ended up doing?” Zeke looked around.

“Every inch. It’s quiet here. I like it.” Earl Ray watched him, wondering what was behind the small talk.

“You do a good business?” Zeke asked.

“Oh, man. You’d be surprised at how many folks wanna wear those shitty fatigues and those damn army boots. Yeah, it’s a fair business,” Earl Ray said. This is my turf, he thought suddenly. I’m in control here.

Zeke looked back at him now. “So how ya been otherwise, Earl Ray? Didya ever marry again after the war?”

Earl Ray smiled, sadly. “Yeah, I did. But that didn’t last but a few years. ……..I’m working on number three now………slower this time. I don’t wanna strike out completely. Ya know what I mean?”

Zeke laughed. “Yeah, but the third time might just be the charm………..I didn’t even bother trying again.”

“So what brings ya to town, Zeke?”

“Well……I got this letter from Washington about some kinda vet memorial ceremony or something. Are ya planning to go?”

Ah, Earl Ray thought. Chit chat time is over. “I didn’t get one, man. Maybe I will later or something. What’s the deal?”

“They just want us to be there is all I can get out of it. We’re being honored, I guess,” Zeke said. He seemed to want to say more.

“Honored……..” Earl Ray laughed a little. “That was a damn long time ago, Zeke. I don’t give it much thought anymore.”

Zeke hesitated before he spoke again. “Didya ever go see Jaimes’ family afterwards, Earl Ray?”

Earl Ray hadn’t been prepared for such a raw, open blow. An unheralded blast from the past, and no pun intended, he thought.

“No, man. Like I said, I ain’t been thinking ‘bout any of it much…….It’s over and done.” Earl Ray tried to sound convincing.

Zeke stared at him for a moment. Not really convinced. “Okay, then. I guess I’ll see ya there. In Washington.”

The front door opened again, and Sahndra walked in. A perfect tension-buster.

“Hey, sweetheart! C’mere and meet an ol’ war buddy of mine!” Earl Ray wondered if he had let the sarcasm he was feeling leak into his tone.

Sahndra smiled at both of them as she walked over. Julie, his ex-wife and her best friend, had told her that Earl Ray never discussed his Vietnam years. So this seemed a little odd to her.

“Zeke, this is the love o’ my whole life, Sahndra. And Sahndra, this is Zeke Anderson. He was a damn good soldier.” There, that was a little better, more honest, Earl Ray thought.

“Nice to meetya, Sahndra.”

“Same here, Zeke.” They shook hands.

“Unless he’s changed a helluva lot, I know ya got your hands full with this one. He used to be a legend,” Zeke informed her.

Sahndra laughed. “I hear ya. I never know what he’s gonna do next. Sometimes I think I oughtta just tie him up for his own good.” She winked at Earl Ray, who was coloring a lovely shade of crimson and throwing her a very evil look.

After declining Sahndra’s lunch invitation, Zeke left. And while Sahndra and Earl Ray waited for Jason to return, he told her about the letter from Washington that Zeke had mentioned. She detected immediately that his memories of Zeke weren’t among his fondest ones. That he wasn’t exactly overjoyed to have Zeke pop back into his current-day life.

At lunch, he was moody and quiet. But Julie and Sahndra didn’t really notice. They had gossip to exchange, and they could discuss everything in his presence except, of course, Roger Lococco, the man Julie had given Earl Ray up for. He did, however, surprise them once with a question.

“Hey, Julie. Did Roger get some kinda letter from D.C. about a vet ceremony or something?”

A bit shocked that he’d ask a civil, legitimate question concerning Roger, Julie answered, “Yeah, he did. Yesterday. And you shoulda seen how damn fast he wadded it up. He’s not too fond of D.C. I doubt we’ll be making that trip. Trust me.” She laughed.

“Hmph,” was Earl Ray only reply.

Two days later, he received his own personalized letter requesting his presence in three weeks at a special event to honor living and dead Vietnam War veterans. And that night, he experienced the first of his intense nightmares, as the horrors of that war, long ago shoved to places in his psyche that would keep him safe from them, slowly crept their way back into his conscious mind, against his strong will.

Sahndra woke up too because, although he hadn’t cried out, the bed had moved violently. She was jolted awake to find him sitting up in front of her on his side of the bed, with his hands over his eyes.

“Honey, are you okay?” she whispered as she sat up too and touched his back.

He flinched. “Yeah………Just a bad dream.”

Sahndra put her arms around him from behind and rested her head on his shoulder. He didn’t move. “I’m here, Earl Ray. Ya wanna talk about it?”

“Fuck no!” Then he realized, too late, that he’d answered too harshly. So he turned around and hugged her. “Sorry, sweetie…….Didn’t mean to wake you up. Let’s go back to sleep.”

They lay back down in each other’s arms. Sahndra fell asleep, but not for long. She wasn’t sure what woke her up this time, but she knew something had. And Earl Ray wasn’t beside her. He apparently couldn’t go back to sleep. And she chose to leave him to his wakefulness, since he’d chosen to not bother her with it.

The same scene replayed itself three nights later. Only in the encore, his harshness was more pronounced. Or either he was less able to control it. To subdue it.

“Don’t touch me, goddamnit! It’s just a fucking nightmare, for chrissake!” He had yelled at her when she tried to comfort him this time.

And Sahndra had cowered back away from him to her own side of the bed. But then he’d regained himself and lay down next to her. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s just all this Washington shit dredging up memories of old stuff. I didn’t mean to scare ya.” He’d held her then, and they hadn’t talked anymore that night.

Sahndra was worried about him. During the daylight hours, he acted like nothing was wrong with his psyche. But as night fell, he seemed to grow more and more restless. Even though he didn’t have another nightmare in the next week, she knew he wasn’t sleeping well. She woke up several more times to find him missing from their bed. And he looked tired physically. He seemed a little less of himself overall.

After lots of meditation on the subject, Sahndra decided to try to talk to him about it one night after dinner. Less than two weeks before the Washington ceremony.

“Honey, are ya planning to go to that thing in Washington?” she inquired.

He looked up at her from his chair with exhausted eyes. “I don’t know yet. Why?”

“I just thought it would be a great little get-away for us. We’ve never had one.”

“I think ya oughtta let me worry ‘bout that…….since it’s MY business and all.” Matter of fact. He looked back down at the newspaper he was reading and said nothing else.

But some horrible memory somewhere inside him must have come prancing to the front of his mind, because that night’s bad dream was the worst yet. Sahndra woke up to find him sitting up again like before, his back to her. But, in the weak light of the room, he appeared to be bent over and holding something to his chest. Affectionately. Sadly.

She sat up and, without daring to touch him, said, “Honey, you okay?”

Almost before she got the words out, he whirled around and pinned her down to the bed, so forcefully that she realized instantly he was still in a dream state.

“Leave him the fuck alone! Ya hear me? Ya didn’t even know him!” He was in her face, pressing her chest with a strong hand. She could see his eyes glaring at her in the dark. His voice was powerful, coming from his throat through clenched teeth. “I’ll take care of him from here. Ya got that, soldier?”

“Got it.” Sahndra shocked herself with her own response, that she could even manage one. She understood that this wasn’t her Earl Ray on top of her, quietly screaming at her. She knew it was an Earl Ray from the distant past, one filled with anger and pain, one she didn’t know at all.

He slowly backed away from her then and left the room. When she was certain that he wasn’t coming back that night, she tried to calm herself. But she never completely went back to sleep. Whatever was haunting him had become strong enough now to haunt her too.

The next morning, in the daylight, life returned to what it had been the day before. Earl Ray was back to his semi-normal self and made no mention whatsoever of the nightmare or of where he had slept afterwards. If he’d slept at all. And he looked as if he hadn’t slept at all.

Sahndra called Julie at Renaissance around eleven o’clock because she knew she’d be there. She told Julie her story, and Julie was blown out of the proverbial water.

“Never, I swear, did ANYTHING like this happen with me, Sahndra. You’re seeing a side I know nothing about.”

“So what in the hell should I do? Confront him with it?” Sahndra asked. She was desperate.

“Uh……that doesn’t sound too safe. Why don’tcha ask Roger? He’s a vet too,” Julie suggested.

Sahndra laughed sarcastically. “Oh, yeah, right. What a helpful, comforting person to throw me to. Thanks, Jules.”

“C’mon. He’s not a total asshole all the time. Maybe he can shed some light. He’ll be at the Snake Pit this afternoon.”

“If he’s a jerk to me, I swear I’ll kill him,” Sahndra said, meaning it.

“Just give him a try.”

At the Snake Pit after lunch, Sahndra found Roger sitting at the bar with some receipts and a calculator. He was wearing all dark blue today instead of his usual all black. And his hair, thicker, fuller, and blonder than it normally was, looked perfect to her. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled up past his wrists, of course. And he had unbuttoned it in front enough to reveal some of his chest. She sat down next to him.

“Can’t you add that stuff up in your head?” she asked him dryly.

He looked up and smiled. “Hilarious, Sahndra. So nice to see you today. Can I get you a drink?”

She let him get her a glass of wine from behind the bar. Then he sat back down beside her. He seemed to be in a somewhat cheerful mood. For him, anyway.

As she sat there admiring him, she told him about the recent events with Earl Ray, and he listened carefully. He didn’t crack wise even once. Sahndra wondered cynically if Julie had warned him not to.

“Jeez, Sahndra. He’s having a rough time of it.”

“Duh, Roger. That’s why I’m here. What should I do? I thought you might know.”

He looked down and smiled a small smile. “Well, I’ve had this kinda thing happen to me………And I’d say that if it happens again, Julie isn’t in any real danger of physical harm…….if you’re afraid like that……..I don’t think he’d actually hurtcha.”

Sahndra was momentarily sidetracked. “You’re always thinking ‘bout Julie, aren’t ya?”

He looked up now and did his tiny snarl twitch of his nose and lip. “Yeah.”

She smiled. “Okay……..That’s sweet………..But should I ask him ‘bout it or what?”

“Look………..He’s fighting a demon. Something unresolved from his past he’d rather not face at all………As long as he can keep it down, he will. But it sounds like the demon wants to come out and play now. And the unconscious mind is on the demon’s side, ya gotta understand………Earl Ray knows that too. So he doesn’t wanna sleep. And until he’s ready to stand up to this bitch of a demon, he’s gonna keep fighting it back down……..Just wait it out, Sahndra………There’s not much you can do ‘til the big showdown. Ya see what I’m talking about?”

“I think so,” she said softly.

“And it has nothing to do with you, so you really can’t affect the situation ‘til Earl Ray’s ready. Okay?” He was speaking very softly now, soothingly.

Sahndra looked at him through tears. “Okay……..But I worry about him, Roger. I wanna help.”

Roger was looking at her sympathetically. “Hey, listen…….You can’t fight the demon ‘cause it’s not your demon to fight. Just hang in there for him……for when he needs you.”

Sahndra was silent for a minute as she looked down. And Roger waited patiently for her to speak again. She looked up. “Okay. I understand……….Roger, you won’t ever tell him we discussed this, will ya?”

“Earl Ray and I don’t exactly have heartfelt chats anymore, if ya know what I mean,” Roger said.

“And don’t tell Scottie either. Okay?” Scottie LaMont was Saundra's ex-husband, and sometime friend of Roger's. Also a Green Beret.

“Okay, Sahndra. My lips are sealed. Promise.” He smiled.

“And one more thing before I go……”

“Anything. You name it, Biker Chick.”

“If we DO go to Washington, will ya feed my dogs?”

He laughed. “God………...Of course, I’ll feed your dogs. Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

Sahndra left the Snake Pit feeling better. But Earl Ray’s angst, regardless of how horrible, was still her angst too. And she was more than a little concerned about him. She was aching to help him with his inner turmoil, his demon, as Roger had called it. If only she knew how. And if only he’d let her. * * * That night, the demon must have amassed as much strength as it could. Or maybe Earl Ray was too weak and beat down to fight it off anymore.

Sahndra woke up from a light sleep to find him bent over her, clutching her to his chest. He was squeezing her in a way that the daylight Earl Ray would have known was too tight. And he was talking softly, earnestly. It took Sahndra a minute or two to understand the quiet, grief-stricken words she was hearing.

“C’mon, man. You can hold on, Leroy……..I’ll getya outta here. Don’t do this, Leroy, man.”

He repeated this several times, holding onto Sahndra in an almost suffocating vice. When she thought it might go on all night, she used all her strength and broke free of him, pulling away to the edge of the bed.

“Earl Ray, wake up! You’re dreaming again!” she screamed at him. Then she held her breath.

In the semi-darkness, she watched him recapture his senses and wake up. Slowly. Then, amazingly, he was her Earl Ray again, looking around. Looking at her. Confused.

“What happened, baby? Why ya staring at me like that?” he asked her in an almost whisper.

She felt it was safe to move back over to him. “You had a bad nightmare, honey…….And I guess I was somebody in it. You were holding me and saying things to me.”

“What did I say?” There was a weakness in his voice. Fear, maybe.

“You said you’d get me outta here…….and I think you called me something like ‘Leroy.’”

He was holding her to him now, so she couldn’t see his face. But she felt his whole body shudder against her. And he was so cold. She hugged him tighter, and he didn’t answer back.

“Who’s Leroy, Earl Ray?”

At first, he still didn’t answer. But then he must have decided to challenge the demon on its own turf – the night.

“Leroy Jaimes. He was my right-hand man………and my closest friend in the Green Berets……..” He trailed off. Sahndra knew she was in the war zone with him and his demon.

“He died?” she asked.

Another icy shudder. “Yeah…….He died…….right before we were supposed to go home………..And I always thought I coulda done things different……..to keep him alive.”

Sahndra tried again to hold him closer to her, to make him warm. “I’m so sorry, honey. I wish I could take all the painful memories and trash them for ya.”

“I wish ya could too, sweetheart. But that’s something I gotta do…….Jaimes was a good man……..And I feel responsible………I think I should go to Washington for this ceremony thing.”

“Oh, Earl Ray, let me go with you.”

“I might just needya with me.”

The nightmares subsided for Earl Ray, but the blues didn’t. He was far away and preoccupied most of the time, even though Sahndra realized he was making every effort to include her and be civil to her. She kept hearing in her head what Roger had told her: “You can’t fight this demon ‘cause it’s not your demon to fight.” So she resolved herself to the waiting. * * *

On to Part II