By Micki L. Bailey

The three-day trip to the nation’s capital began smashingly, compared to their previous few weeks, Sahndra thought. Earl Ray’s spirits were somewhat lifted, and he even smiled again. He seemed to enjoy seeing most of his old acquaintances and introducing Sahndra to them. He had explained to her that he had only “acquaintances” left, that all of his “buddies” and “friends” were “gone on” now.

“I nevah really had a whole lot of friends or admirers, ya see, ‘cause of my not-so-good reputation. Most folks always thought I was some kinda hot shot or something. A renegade, ya know.”

And Sahndra had wondered instantly what was it about Leroy Jaimes he was leaving out. What had made Leroy different from “most folks”? But she didn’t dare disturb this tenuous facade of happiness.

Earl Ray played tour guide and showed her all around Washington. They visited all the veterans sites, including the Wall, and she was amazed at how proud he was to be part of all of that whole Vietnam phenomenon. Never had she heard him discuss these far-off rememberings before. And now she listened intently, giving him center stage. In their suite that night, he made love to her with the same passion and fervor that he had shown all day.

The purpose of the trip, the ceremony to honor him and the others, took place the next day. With Sahndra’s sought-after approval, Earl Ray had chosen to wear a charcoal suit with a pale gray shirt and a black tie with tiny designs on it. She felt her heart jump inside her at the sight of him. She’d never seen him so well-packaged. He was the most handsome man she’d ever seen, and she told him so.

Like most of the other Green Berets, he wore his beret to the outside ceremony, along with dark sunglasses. The entire visual ensemble drove Sahndra out of her mind. She admired his honorable nature and history as a soldier, and she craved his physique and his affection as her lover.

After the moving event, and after more socializing with people he hadn’t seen in many years, Earl Ray told Sahndra that he had one final place he wanted to visit – Arlington National Cemetery. And she knew in a heartbeat whose grave he wanted to see.

So when they arrived, Sahndra chose to sit on a bench in the shade and wait for him. In the past few weeks, she’d come to understand things in this man she loved – pools of thought that appeared shallow on the surface but were actually frighteningly deep and sad.

He only barely protested her not joining him at the grave before he agreed and left her on the bench among the flowers. She watched him walk slowly away from her – immaculate in his crisp suit and black shoes. He still wore his beret and those enticing shades.

Leroy Jaimes’ grave marker was not far from where Sahndra waited. She was able to follow Earl Ray’s every move, which she did happily. He approached the small, ghostly-white cross and stood there staring at it and reading the plate.

Then he knelt down on one knee and bowed his head. Although she couldn’t hear him, Sahndra knew he was speaking. Talking to the remaining spirit of his old friend. The spirit that remained inside him, that he hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge all this time. She recognized grieving in the bright sunlight.

When he stood up again, he took another beret out of his pocket and hung it on the little cross. As he walked back towards her, Sahndra discovered that she had been silently weeping. If Earl Ray noticed, he said nothing about it when he sat down on the bench beside her. She saw that he, too, had been dealing with tears. And her heart turned over for him. She reached over and took his hand in hers. He squeezed it in response. Birds chirped, and other people walked throughout the cemetery.

“I’m giving it up, Sahndra……..…..coming clean………….I think it’s what Jaimes would want.”

Sahndra wasn’t sure how to reply. “I’m listening, honey.”

“I been thinking ‘bout it lots………the whole thing…….the whole couple of days way back then…….Leroy dying on me and all……..” He trailed off. He was looking down at the grass under them.

Sahndra didn’t want him to stop. “Go on, Earl Ray, I’m still here, sweetheart.”

He gripped her hand tighter. “When I used to let myself remember it at all, I always thought I coulda changed things………….made ‘em better so he woulda……….lived.”

“Tell me exactly what happened, honey. Tell me the story.” Sahndra watched him. She thought she might be stepping into a mine field. But she’d take the risk for him.

He began right away. “Our mission was to blow this damn bridge……….Me, Leroy, and Chan. I was the demolition specialist, ya know………Zeke and his guys were along too…….It was the worst mission I can remember……..First, Chan stepped one of Charlie’s trip wires……….right after I’d just found one of their fucking bombs……..Then there was this……..this goddamn gook kid……….She’d lost her whole village……….and Zeke insisted we take the bitch along………And she cost me Leroy………..We blew the bridge……….but I lost my friend……….my best friend…….’cause that damn kid ran away and ratted us out………The gooks shot him……..” He stopped and let tears fall down his face onto the ground.

“So he’d want you to let it go? Is that right, Earl Ray? Can you?”

He looked up at her. “I have……..now……..I blamed the kid, Sahndra…….I wanted to get rid of that kid on the spot………and I would have done it too……..if it hadn’t been for all those damn bleeding hearts around me……..I was like that then……and all these years I blamed that kid……..Hell, I hated ALL kids ‘cause of what that one cost me…….”

Sahndra wiped his cheek with her fingers. “Is that why ya didn’t want any of your own………with Julie?”

He blinked. “Yeah……..And I never even told her why.” He smiled then, an utterly heart-breaking smile. “Just one more regret………..But that hating’s over now………It wasn’t the kid’s fault…….It was just Leroy’s time to go……That’s all. HE wouldn’t have blamed her. Hell, he even said the eulogy crap at her mother’s burial that Zeke put on. He was a kind soul………He woulda let it go……Like I gotta do…….just for him.”

Sahndra put her arms around him. She couldn’t resist any longer. He rested his head on her. “I’ll help ya do it, Earl Ray. I love you.”

“I love you too, angel……..Thanks for being here for me. I needed you……..like I’ve never needed anybody.”

In that few minutes of sweet embrace, Sahndra felt the demon gasp its last breath and fade away. It had been defeated in the beautiful daylight. In a place where dead things belong.

“Earl Ray?”

“What, honey?”

“It never occurred to me before,” she said.

“What’s that?” He still rested his head on her.

“If you were the demolition expert, then that explains why you’re so sensitive and gentle when you touch me………why you’re the most intuitive, best lover I’ve ever had.”

He laughed a little, and it was music to her. “You’re just trying to make me feel good, baby.”

“Oh, no. I’m totally serious. Now to make you feel good, I’ve got something ELSE in mind……”

* * *

That night, still in their Washington suite, after an hour of intense, passionate love-making, they lay next to each other. Their hands touching between their sweaty bodies.

“So………How do ya feel about having a baby now, honey?” Sahndra asked him tentatively.

“As long as you’d wanna make one with me…….Hell, it might be fun.”

She sighed with unimaginable relief and joy. “Really?”

“Sure, sweetie. Why not? No reason not to now………And I ain’t getting any younger.”

“Oh, Earl Ray. Your child would be the most beautiful child in history.”

“OUR child, honey. Our child.”