The Princess Bride


 

[Scene: Castle corridor.]
[RUGEN and four guards block the way through the castle for INIGO, FEZZIK, and WESTLEY. INIGO stands to face them, sword drawn. FEZZIK holds up WESTLEY.]

Rugen: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.

[The guards rush at INIGO, but he skillfully kills them all. INIGO straightens himself, and preparing to battle his lifelong enemy.]

Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[RUGEN feigns preparing to fight, but runs instead. INIGO chases him. Dramatic trumpets blare. WESTLEY and FEZZIK look at each other. RUGEN runs through a door and locks it. INIGO tries to break through, but cannot.]

Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!

Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.

Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!! Ahh!!! Fezzik!!! Gahh, Gahh!!

[FEZZIK takes WESTLEY's arms and threads them through the arms of a suit of armor.]

Fezzik: [to WESTLEY] I'll be right back.

[FEZZIK walks up behind INIGO. INIGO stops trying to break down the door. FEZZIK raises his fist and punches the door once. It falls as if it were plastic.]

Inigo: Thank you.

[INIGO runs after RUGEN.]

 

[Scene: Another Corridor in the Castle.]

[BUTTERCUP walks with the KING and QUEEN. She is in shock because WESTLEY didn't save her.]

King: Strange wedding.

Queen: Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along.

[The QUEEN exits. BUTTERCUP reaches over and kisses the KING on the cheek.]


King: What was that for?

Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

King: Won't that be nice… She kissed me! [giggles]

 


[Scene: Hallway.]

[INIGO chases RUGEN.]

 

[Scene: Hallway.]

[INIGO has returned to where he left WESTLEY, but WESTLEY is no longer there.]

 

[Scene: Dining Room]
[RUGEN has reached a dead end. He turns and pulls a dagger from his boot. As INIGO rounds the corner, he throws it and it stabs INIGO in the stomach. INIGO flinches in pain and falls back against the wall.]

Inigo: Sorry, father. I tried. I tried.

Rugen: [slowly approaching INIGO] You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.

[INIGO slumps to the floor, defeated.]

 

[Scene: Honeymoon Suite.]
[Forlorn music plays. BUTTERCUP goes to the vanity, sits, and pulls out a box. It contains a dagger. She takes it out and prepares to run the knife through her chest, when WESTLEY speaks.]

Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.

[BUTTERCUP turns to see WESTLEY laying on the bed. She runs from her seat to jump onto the bed. She begins to kiss him.]

Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you hold me?

Westley: Gently.


Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"?

Westley: Gently!

[BUTTERCUP accidentally bangs WESTLEY's head on the bed's headboard.]

 

[Scene: Diningroom]

[INIGO pulls the dagger out of his stomach and, clutching his stomach, tries to stand.]

Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?

[INIGO falls backward against the wall.]

You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.

[RUGEN tries to slash INIGO through the heart, but INIGO blocks the attack. RUGEN instead stabs INIGO's left shoulder. He tries again and stabs INIGO's right arm.]

Inigo: [moving toward RUGEN] Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[INIGO's strength fails him and he falls onto a table. There is a sword exchange. INIGO holds his sword in his right hand.]

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

[INIGO is energized by facing RUGEN. He gains strength and fiercely lunges at RUGEN.]

[yelling] Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

Rugen: [frightened and angry] Stop saying that!

[INIGO is able to stab RUGEN in the 2 spots that RUGEN had stabbed him earlier.]

Inigo: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

[INIGO corners RUGEN, with his sword to his throat.]

Rugen: No!

[INIGO slashes RUGEN's cheek.]

Inigo: Offer me money!

Rugen: Yes!

[INIGO slashes RUGEN's other cheek.]

Inigo: Power, too. Promise me that!

Rugen: All that I have and more! Please!

Inigo: [bearing down on him] Offer me everything I ask for!

Rugen: Anything you want.

[RUGEN tries to lunge for INIGO, but INIGO runs him through the heart. RUGEN dies sloppily.]

Inigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch!

 

[Scene: Honeymoon Suite]

Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?

Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?

Buttercup: I got married… I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.

Westley: Never happened.

Buttercup: What?

Westley: It never happened.

Buttercup: But it did! I was there. This old man said "man and wife."

Westley: Did you say "I do"?

Buttercup: Uh… no. We sort of skipped that part.

Westley: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it.

[BUTTERCUP smiles, relieved.]

[over BUTTERCUP's shoulder] Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?


[HUMPERDINCK has appeared in the doorway.]

Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. [draws his sword] To the death!

[HUMPERDINCK advances towards WESTLEY, but WESTLEY's words stop him.]


Westley: No! To the pain!

Humperdinck: [pausing, perplexed] I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.

Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.

Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.

Humperdinck: And then my ears… I understand, let's get on with it!

[Again HUMPERDINCK advances towards WESTLEY, but WESTLEY's words stop him.]

Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery for ever.

Humperdinck: [clearly shaken] I think you're bluffing.

Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all.

[Slowly WESTLEY rises from the bed, as if for dramatic effect. He raises his sword to HUMPERDINCK.]

Drop... your... sword.

[HUMPERDINCK pauses for only a moment and then throws his sword to the ground.]

[indicating to the chair] Have a seat.

[HUMPERDINCK grabs his robes and quickly sits.]

[to BUTTERCUP] Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.

[BUTTERCUP ties up HUMPERDINCK. He winces and wakes 'ow'-ing sounds. WESTLEY leans suavely against a bedpost. INIGO enters.]

Inigo: Where's Fezzik?

Westley: I thought he was with you.

Inigo: No.

Westley: In that case, whooooa!

[WESTLEY starts to move but his feet fail him.]

Inigo: [to BUTTERCUP] Help him.

[BUTTERCUP runs over to WESTLEY.]

Buttercup: [reaching under WESTLEY to support him] Why does Westley need helping?

Inigo: Because he has no strength.

Humperdinck: [triumphant] I knew it! I knew you were bluffing!

[INIGO points his sword at him.]

[timid] I knew he was... bluffing.

Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?

Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

Fezzik: [outside, in the courtyard] Inigo! Inigo! Where are you?

[INIGO runs to the window. FEZZIK stands below with four white horses.]

Oh, there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were… four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady.

[WESTLEY and BUTTERCUP appear in the window.]

Hello, lady!

[BUTTERCUP waves hello.]

So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did.

Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.

Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

 

 

[BUTTERCUP jumps out of the window and is caught by FEZZIK.]

 

 

Inigo: [to WESTLEY] You know, It's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

[WESTLEY and INIGO jump from the window.]

[The four friends gallop away on the horses. Triumphant music plays.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other…

[The GRANDFATHER trails off.]

 

[Scene: Bedroom.]

Grandson: [eagerly] What? What?

Grandfather: Naw, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

Grandson: Well, I don't mind so much.

Grandfather: Okay.

 

[Scene: Clearing.]
[BUTTERCUP and WESTLEY stare into each others eyes.]


Grandfather: [v.o.] Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.


[BUTTERCUP and WESTLEY kiss.]


THE END.

 

[Scene: Bedroom.]

[The GRANDFATHER closes the book, puts it down, and begins to tuck the GRANDSON in.]

Grandfather: Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.

Grandson: Okay.

Grandfather: [searching his pockets to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything] All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.

Grandson: Grandpa? [pause] Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

 

 

Grandfather: As you wish.

 

 

THE END

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