Laboriously Recorded
by
Dennis Barbour
and
Robert Zabaga

Edited and Revised
by
Elisa Day

[Scene: GRANDSON's bedroom.]
[GRANDSON is on the bed, coughing and playing a baseball video game. MOM enters.]

Mother: Hi, honey.

Grandson: Hi, Mom.

[MOTHER kisses GRANDSON and then feels his forehead.]

Mother: You feelin' any better?

Grandson: A little bit.

Mother: Guess what?

Grandson: What?

Mother: Your Grandfather's here.

Grandson: [pleading] Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?

Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.

Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.

Mother: Maybe he won't.

[GRANDFATHER enters, wearing a big coat and a hat.]

Grandfather: Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, eh?

[GRANDFATHER pinches GRANDSON's cheek. He glares over at MOTHER. She smiles.]

Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.

[MOTHER exits.]

Grandfather: I brought you a special present.

Grandson: What is it??

Grandfather: Open it up.

[GRANDSON eagerly opens present. Once he sees it, he frowns.]

Grandson: [disgusted] A book?

Grandfather: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm gonna read it to you.

Grandson: Does it got any sports in it?

Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles....

Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh... alright... The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, [licks his thumb] [v.o.] Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that.

[pause]

Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Grandson: [with no enthusiasm] Yeah, it's really good.

[Scene: Farm. It is a simple place, reminiscent of Medieval fiefdoms.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.

Buttercup: Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

Westley: As you wish.

Grandfather: [v.o.] 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.

Buttercup: [holding two empty buckets] Farm boy, fill these with water...please?

Westley: As you wish.

[As GRANDFATHER narrates, BUTTERCUP turns around to look at WESTLEY.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

[Scene: Cottage. It is a barren place, as fiefdom hovels normally are.]

[WESTLEY brings some wood into the cottage. BUTTERCUP speaks to stop him from leaving.]

Buttercup: Farm boy!

[WESTLEY turns, expectantly waiting her command. BUTTERCUP looks around desperately to find something for WESTLEY to do. She spies a pitcher hanging next to her.]

[WESTLEY slowly crosses the room, takes down the pitcher, and hands it to her.]

Westley: [whispering] As you wish.

[BUTTERCUP smiles.]

[Scene: Sunset.]

[BUTTERCUP and WESTLEY kiss.]

[Scene: Bedroom]

Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me? Where's the sports? [gravely] Is this a kissing book?

Grandfather: Wait, just wait.

Grandson: When does it get good?

Grandfather: Keep your shirt on and let me read.

Grandfather: [v.o.] Westley had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.

Grandson: [v.o.] I don't believe this!

[Scene: Farm.]

[WESTLEY stands with a sack. BUTTERCUP stands next to him, distressed.]

Buttercup: [crying] I fear I'll never see you again.

Westley: Of course you will.

Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?

Westley: Hear this now: I will always come for you.

Buttercup: How can you be sure?

Westley: This is True Love. You think this happens every day?

[They kiss and he leaves.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered—

Grandson: [v.o.] —Murdered by pirates is good.

Grandfather: [v.o.] She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.

[BUTTERCUP sits in a chair, desolate.]

Buttercup: I will never love again.

[Scene: Main Square.]