[HUMPERDINCK and KING stand on the balcony overlooking the square. They are both regally dressed.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be.

[As HUMPERDINCK begins to speak, trumpets blare.]

Humperdinck: My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now… Would you like to meet her?

Crowd: [cheering] Yes!

Humperdinck: My people… the Princess Buttercup.

[HUMPERDINCK gestures below to the square. The crowd parts. Buttercup enters. As she walks into the square, the crowd bows before her.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.

[Fade to: Outside Florin city walls, morning.]
[BUTTERCUP is riding a horse.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Despite Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.

[Scene: Road alongside river.]
[BUTTERCUP stops as three men stand in the road. The men are VIZZINI, INIGO, AND FEZZIK.]

Vizzini: A word, my lady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

Buttercup: There is nothing nearby... Not for miles.

Vizzini: [ominously] Then there will be no one to hear you scream…

[As BUTTERCUP is about to scream, FEZZIK's hand reaches up and grabs her by the neck, rendering her unconscious.]

[Scene: Shore, by boat.]

Inigo: What is that you're ripping?

Vizzini: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder.

Fezzik: Who is Gilder?

Vizzini: The country across the sea; the sworn enemy of Florin!

[VIZZINI attaches the patch to the horse's saddle and slaps him on the rump.]

[to horse] Go!

[The horse gallops away. The four board the boat]

Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone!

Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.

Fezzik: I just don't think it's right... killing an innocent girl.

Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!

Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.

Vizzini: Oh! The sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this… never forget this: [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! [turning to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed… in Greenland!!!

[VIZZINI walks away, angered, and sets the ship free. INIGO and FEZZIK do various ship duties.]

Inigo: That Vizzini, he can… fuss.

Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream... at us.

Inigo: Probably he means no… harm.

Fezzik: He's really very short on... charm.

Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.

Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.

[Their conversation continues, as the ship sails away.]

Vizzini: Enough of that!

Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

Fezzik: If there are, we'll all be dead!

Vizzini: No more rhymes now… I mean it!

Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?

Vizzini: Dyeeaahhhhhh!!

[Scene: Boat in open water. It is night.]

[INIGO is looking behind the boat. VIZZINI walks up to him.]

Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that?

Inigo: Are you sure nobody is follow us?

Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.

Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged.

Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own. [to Inigo] Stop doing that! We can all relax; it's almost over.

Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us?

Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable! No one in Gilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there.

Vizzini: [in disbelief] What?

[VEZZINI looks over the bow and sees the ship in the distance.]

Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night... through eel-infested waters…

[BUTTERCUP jumps overboard, and begins to swim away]

Vizzini: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!

Inigo: I don't swim.

Fezzik: I only dog paddle.

Vizzini: Dyeeaahhhhhh!! Veer left! Left! Left!

[BUTTERCUP continues to swim away from the boat. A horrible screeching is heard and BUTTERCUP begins to tread water as VIZZINI speaks.]

Vizzini: Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh.

[A eel briefly surfaces behind BUTTERCUP. She gasps and spins around in the water to try and see it.]

If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you... I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.

[An eel begins to swim towards BUTTERCUP, its mouth open. Carnivorous teeth are plainly visible.]

[Scene: GRANDSON's bedroom]

Grandfather: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.

Grandson: What?

Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining this to you because you look nervous.

Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing.

Grandfather: Because we can stop now if you want.

Grandson: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want. Do you know what that sound is, Highness?

[Scene: Boat.]

[VIZZINI, INIGO stand on the bow. As GRANDFATHER speaks, VIZZINI's lips move.]

Grandfather: [v.o.] Those are the shrieking eels!

Grandson: [v.o.] We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.

Grandfather: [v.o.] Oh… oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right.

[As GRANDFATHER mumbles to himself, the scene replays right up to the teeth.]

Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then…

[FEZZIK thumps the eel on the head, killing it. He lifts BUTTERCUP out of the water, and puts her back in the boat. She collapses on deck.]

Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!

Inigo: [looking back at the other ship again] I think he's getting closer.

Vizzini: He's no concern of ours. Sail on! [turning to BUTTERCUP] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Buttercup: Only compared to some.

[Scene: Base of The Cliffs of Insanity.]

Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using.

Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late! See? [pointing upward] The Cliffs of Insanity!!!

[VIZZINI begins to scurry around deck, flailing his arms in an attempt to get FEZZIK and INIGO to hurry.]

[Scene: Climbing the Cliffs of Insanity.]
[Dramatic music plays. INIGO and BUTTERCUP hang from FEZZIK's back. VIZZINI hangs from FEZZIK's front. He is scaling the Cliffs by pulling them up by a rope. The MAN IN BLACK disembarks from his boat and begins to climb after them.]

Inigo: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us!

Vizzini: Inconceivable! [pause] Faster!

Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.

Vizzini: You were supposed to be this colossus… You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains!

Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself.

Vizzini: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.

Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please?

[The MAN IN BLACK begins to gain on them.]

Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

[Scene: At the ruins at the top of the Cliffs of Insanity.]

[They reach the top. The MAN IN BLACK continues to climb, rising more and more quickly. The music heightens as VIZZINI runs and cuts the rope with a dagger. FEZZIK, VIZZINI and INIGO peer over the edge, only to find a masked man climbing the cliff.]

Fezzik: He's got very good arms.

Vizzini: He didn't fall?! Inconceivable!

Inigo: [to VIZZINI] You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. [looks down] My God! He's climbing!

Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess and must therefore die. You [to FEZZIK] carry her. [to INIGO] We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.

Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.

Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in!

Inigo: It is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.

Vizzini: Oh, have it your way.

Fezzik: [to INIGO] You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.

Vizzini: I'm waiting!

[VIZZINI, FEZZIK, and BUTTERCUP depart, leaving INIGO to prepare. INIGO practices a few steps. He then calls down to the MAN IN BLACK.]

Inigo: Hello there! Slow going?

Man in Black: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

Inigo: [apologetic] Sorry.

Man in Black: [tersely] Thank you.

Inigo: [after a moment] I do not suppose you could a speed things up?

Man in Black: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo: I could do that. I still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Man in Black: That does put a damper on our relationship.

Inigo: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

Man in Black: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Inigo: [to himself] I hate waiting. [down to the MAN IN BLACK] I could give you my word as a Spaniard?

Man in Black: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known too many Spaniards.

Inigo: Is there not any way you'll trust me?

Man in Black: Nothing comes to mind.

Inigo: I swear, on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.

Man in Black: Throw me the rope.

[INIGO throws the rope to the MAN IN BLACK and helps him to the top. MAN IN BLACK begins to draw his sword]

Inigo: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.

Man in Black: Again, thank you.

[MAN IN BLACK sits on a boulder and removes his right boot. Shaking it, several small stones and two large ones fall out.]

Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

[MAN IN BLACK wiggles his right hand at INIGO. There are five fingers.]

Man in Black: Do you always begin conversations this way?

Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great sword-maker, my father. When the six- fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before it was done.

[INIGO unsheathes his sword, and hands it to the MAN IN BLACK. The MAN IN BLACK inspects it and admires its craftsmanship.]

Man in Black: I have never seen its equal.

[The MAN IN BLACK hands the sword back to INIGO.]

Inigo: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slash him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I fail. The six-fingered man leave me alive, but he give me this…

[INIGO indicate a scar on his left cheek, then his right.]

Man in Black: How old were you?

Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was a-strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Man in Black: You've done nothing but study swordplay?

Inigo: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him.

[He sits next to the MAN IN BLACK.]

[MAN IN BLACK stands and draws his sword.]

Man in Black: Well, I… I certainly hope you find him someday.

Inigo: You are ready, then?

Man in Black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.

Inigo: [drawing his sword] You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

Inigo: Begin.

[Slowly, a great battle ensues. INIGO tests the MAN IN BLACK, and the MAN IN BLACK tests INIGO. As they fight, they begin to climb up the rocks.]

Inigo: You are using Bonetti's defense against me, eh?

Man in Black: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.

Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.

Man in Black: Naturally… but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don't you?

Inigo: Unless the enemy has astudied Hesagrippa… which I have!

[They continue to exchange attacks and parries. INIGO begins to lose.]

You are wonderful!

Man in Black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.

Inigo: I admit it. You are better than I am.

Man in Black: Then why are you smiling?

Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.

Man in Black: And what is that?

Inigo: [switching hands] I am not left-handed.

[With the switch, the tide turns. INIGO slowly begins to overtake the MAN IN BLACK. They have reached the top of the hill and are fighting in the turret.]

Man in Black: You're amazing!

Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.

[INIGO and the MAN IN BLACK struggle again the wall of the turret.]

Man in Black: There is something I ought to tell you.

Inigo: Tell me.

Man in Black: I'm not left-handed either.

[The MAN IN BLACK switches to his right hand, and the fighting continues. The MAN IN BLACK begins to win again. INIGO looks for an escape to regroup. He sees a parallel bar, jumps, and swings himself away. The MAN IN BLACK follows, but outdoes him by throwing his sword in front of him, grabbing the bar, using it to do a 360 degree flip, and landing right next to his sword. As he slowly pulls it from the ground, INIGO speaks.]

Inigo: [in awe] Who are you?

Man in Black: [nonchalantly] No one of consequence.

Inigo: I must know.

Man in Black: Get used to disappointment.

Inigo: [shrugging] Okay.

[The battle rages on again, this time, the MAN IN BLACK is dominating. He knocks the sword from INIGO's hand. It flies up into the air. There is a momentary pause in the fighting as they wait for INIGO to catch it. The MAN IN BLACK is clearly winning. He begins to fight with one hand behind his back. He knocks the sword out of INIGO's hand, and circles behind him. INIGO kneels in defeat.]

Inigo: Kill me quickly.

Man in Black: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either....

[The MAN IN BLACK hits INIGO over the head with the hilt of his sword, rendering him unconscious.]

[The MAN IN BLACK picks up his scabbard and continues his pursuit.]

[Scene: Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders.]

[VIZZINI sees the MAN IN BLACK running towards them.]

Vizzini: Inconceivable! Give her to me. [taking BUTTERCUP, whose hands are tied] Catch up with us quickly!

Fezzik: What do I do?

Vizzini: Finish him! Finish him! Your way!

Fezzik: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini.

[FEZZIK pauses, thinking.]

Which way's my way?

Vizzini: [irritated] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, [screaming] hit it with the rock!!

[VIZZINI leaves with BUTTERCUP.]

Fezzik: [to himself] My way's not very sportsmanlike.

[The MAN IN BLACK approaches the boulders, then slows down to survey the situation. A rock explodes on the boulder just missing his head.]

Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.

Man in Black: I believe you. [pause] So what happens now?

Fezzik: We face each other as God intended...sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

Man in Black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?

Fezzik: [holding up a rock the size of his head] I could kill you now.

Man in Black: [as he puts down his sword] Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.

Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.

[The MAN IN BLACK charges FEZZIK and attempts to wrestle him to the ground, to no effect. He tries again, grunting, and nothing.]

Man in Black: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?

Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

[FEZZIK goes to grab the MAN IN BLACK, but he scoots under his legs.]

Man in Black: A good thing, too.

[FEZZIK tries to pummel the MAN IN BLACK with his fists. He swings once, then twice. Each time he misses.]

Fezzik: [swinging] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?

Man in Black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.

[The MAN IN BLACK jumps onto FEZZIK's back. He begins to try and choke him. FEZZIK pushes him back against a boulder, causing the MAN IN BLACK to groan.]

Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.

Man in Black: Why's that, do you think?

Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. [struggles more] I've been specializing in groups. Fighting gangs for local charities, that kind of thing.

Man in Black: [as FEZZIK slams him into a boulder] Why should that make such a [strained] difference?

Fezzik: [slowing down] Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about... one.

[FEZZIK drops unconscious to the ground. The MAN IN BLACK rolls him over and checks to see if he is still alive.]

Man in Black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.

[The MAN IN BLACK picks up his sword by flipping it into the air with his foot, and continues his pursuit.]

[Scene: The Ruins.]

[HUMPERDINCK, RUGEN, and their guards are examining the scuff marks on the ground.]

Humperdinck: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.

Rugen: Who won? How did it end?

Humperdinck: The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints... toward Gilder.

Rugen: Shall we track them both?

Humperdinck: The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

Rugen: Could this be a trap?

Humperdinck: [as he mounts his horse] I always think everything could be a trap... Which is why I am still alive.

[Scene: Open area.]
[VIZZINI is seated behind a covered table. BUTTERCUP, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a bottle of wine and two goblets. The MAN IN BLACK approaches the table. VIZZINI holds his dagger to BUTTERCUP's throat.]

Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me… If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.

Man in Black: Let me explain…

Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.

Man in Black: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?

Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.

[VIZZINI exerts more pressure on the dagger, causing BUTTERCUP to gasp. The MAN IN BLACK stops.]

Man in Black: Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

Man in Black: You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Man in Black: Yes.

Vizzini: Morons!

Man in Black: Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vizzini: For the princess? [the MAN IN BLACK nods.] To the death? [again he nods] I accept!

Man in Black: Good. Then pour the wine.

[The MAN IN BLACK sits at the table, pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it as VIZZINI pours the wine.]

Inhale this, but do not touch.

[Taking the vial, VIZZINI gently sniffs.]

Vizzini: I smell nothing.

[The MAN IN BLACK takes the vial back from VIZZINI as he explains.]

Man in Black: What you do not smell is called Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Vizzini: Hmm.

[The MAN IN BLACK turns his back to VIZZINI with the goblets and pours the poison in. He replaces the goblets on the table, one in front of each.

Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You've made your decision, then?

Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely. Because Iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in Black: [as if fascinated] Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Where was I?

Man in Black: Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!

Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!

Man in Black: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- [pointing over the MAN IN BLACK's shoulder] What in the world can that be?

[The MAN IN BLACK turns around and looks. VIZZINI switches goblets.]

Man in Black: What? Where?! [turning back around] I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.

[VIZZINI giggles to himself.]

Man in Black: What's so funny?

Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

[They raise goblets to each other and drink. VIZZINI chuckles to himself.]

Man in Black: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Ha ha ha—

[VIZZINI stops suddenly, and falls over to the right, dead. The MAN IN BLACK reaches over and removes BUTTERCUP's blindfold.]

Buttercup: Who are you?

Man in Black: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.

Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocaine powder.

[Scene: At the Boulders]

Humperdinck: Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in Gilder if she dies.

[HUMPERDINCK jumps onto his horse, dramatically, and rides away.]

[Scene: Along a hilltop]