The Princess Bride
[Scene: Atop a battlement, overlooking the gate.]
[INIGO and FEZZIK lean WESTLEY against the wall as they look down at the troops below.]
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty!
Inigo: [propping up WESTLEY] What's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
[INIGO puts the pill in WESTLEY's mouth.]
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before if we know if the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Westley: [disoriented] I'll beat you at your part! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?!
Inigo: Let me 'splain No, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
[WESTLEY wiggles the index finger of his right hand.]
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate.
[They lift WESTLEY to briefly look over the wall at the courtyard below before leaning him again against the wall.]
And it is guarded by sixty men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this...
[WESTLEY shakes his head.]
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Westley: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
Fezzik: Over the Albino, I think.
Westley: [testily] Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? [sighs] What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
[FEZZIK pulls a black cloak from under his shirt.]
Fezzik: Would this do?
Inigo: [incredulous] Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Westley: Alright, alright. Come on, help me up.
[FEZZIK and INIGO help WESTLEY get off the ground. It is still them who keep him upright, by propping him on INIGO.]
Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
[WESTLEY's head falls forward. FEZZIK lifts it back into place.]
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?
[WESTLEY's head falls backward. FEZZIK again lifts it back into place.]
Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
[WESTLEY's head again falls forward. FEZZIK lifts it back into place.]
Inigo: I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right. Right Sorry.
[They begin to walk away, with WESTLEY propped up on the back of INIGO.]
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
[Scene: Castle.]
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited, my little muffet.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me.
[Scene: Courtyard.]
[WESTLEY, INIGO, and FEZZIK examine the situation. They huddle, with WESTLEY forcing his
arm to flip and land in on theirs. It takes WESTLEY several tries before his arm will
toss.]
[Scene: Chapel]
[Organ music plays ornate music, setting the stage for a regal, beautiful wedding.
HUMPERDINCK and BUTTERCUP stand before the IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN. There is a dramatic pause
after the music stops before the IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN begins the ceremony.]
Impressive Clergyman: Mawwage. Mawwage is whot bwings us togevah today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam
Yellin: [outside in the courtyard] Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground!
[The wedding party looks around a bit concerned.]
[Scene: Outside the castle gate]
[FEZZIK stands draped in the Holocaust cloak. Smoke rises ominously behind him. Only his
face shows, with his eyes looking like the hollow eyes of death. He rolls forward
ominously.]
Yellin: Stand your ground!
Fezzik: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
[INIGO and WESTLEY are pushing FEZZIK in the wheelbarrow.]
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will nooot be herrrre.
Inigo: [strained, barely holding FEZZIK] Now?
Westley: Light him.
[INIGO and WESTLEY light FEZZIK's robe with a torch.]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come truuuue!
[Most of the guards scatter in all directions.
[Scene: Chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah--
[Scene: Outside the Gate]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soulllls!
[The men scatter everywhere, leaving only YELLIN.]
Yellin: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!
[YELLIN backs towards the gate.]
[Scene: Chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wove
Humperdinck: Skip to the end.
Clergyman: Hahve you the wing?
Buttercup: [to HUMPERDINCK, triumphantly] Here comes my Westley now.
[Scene: Outside the Gate]
[FEZZIK has removed the robe. Only YELLIN remains. The portcullis begins to fall.]
Westley: Fezzik, the portcullis!
[FEZZIK holds the portcullis from closing, and then shoves it back upward, with some difficulty. Only the gate remains to keep them from the castle.]
[Scene: Chapel]
Humperdinck: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
[Scene: Outside the Castle]
[YELLIN is now surrounded by FEZZIK, INIGO, and WESTLEY. FEZZIK drags WESTLEY.]
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: [innocently] I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: [grabbing the bag hanging from his neck] Oh, you mean this gate key.
[YELLIN hands over the key.]
[Scene: Chapel]
Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Pu-wincess Buttercwahp
Humperdinck: [annoyed] Man and wife! Say man and wife!!
Impressive Clergyman: Man and wahfe.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Buttercup: [shocked] He didn't come.