The Princess Bride
[Scene: Outside a Thatched hut]
[INIGO pounds on the door. FEZZIK stands, holding WESTLEY.]
Miracle Max: [irritated, from behind the closed door] Go away.
[INIGO pounds on the door some more. The window's small shutter opens and MAX's face peers out.]
What? What?!!
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Max: The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!
[MAX closed the shutter, but INIGO persists in knocking. The shutter opens again, and MAX's face reappears]
Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Max: You are the brute squad!
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
[The shutter closes and the door opens.]
[Scene: Inside MAX's cottage.]
[FEZZIK lays WESTLEY on the table. MAX examines WESTLEY.]
I've seen worse.
[MAX mills around, looking at WESTLEY. INIGO begins to get impatient.]
Inigo: Sir...sir??
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little— except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is... crippled. Children on the brink of starvation…
Max: Are you a rotten liar!
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Hoo too doo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. [he inserts the bellows] Now, mostly dead is slightly alive.
[MAX pumps air into WESTLEY]
Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
[yelling] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
[MAX pushes on WESTLEY's chest.]
Westley: [groans, barely audible] T-R-U-E L-O-V-E.
Inigo: [excited] "True Love," you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Sonny, True Love is the greatest thing in the world — except for a nice MLT, mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. [makes puckering sound] They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "To blave." And as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated—
[VALERIE bursts into the
room.]
Valerie: —Liar! Liar! Liarrrrrrr!
Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Max: You never had it so good.
[MAX smiles uncomfortably at INIGO, who just stands there in disbelief.]
Valerie: True Love, he said "True Love," Max.
Max: Not another word, Valerie.
Valerie: [to INIGO] He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Max: [yelling] Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?
Max: [cringing] Aaaigh!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Aaaigh!
[VALERIE begins chasing MAX around the table. MAX is covering his ears.]
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Aaaigh!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Aaaigh!
Valerie: [in a sing-songy voice] Humperdinck! [intensely, almost shrilly] Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Max: I'm not listening.
Valerie: True Love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
[VALERIE continues to shout 'Humperdinck!' as INIGO interrupts their fighting.]
Inigo: [interrupting] This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Max: Shut up! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore!
Max: Ha ha ha! [singing to himself] I'm gonna lick the needle… [to INIGO] That is a noble cause! Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job!
Valerie: Hoo-woo!
[VALERIE coats a pill with chocolate.]
Inigo: That a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least… what—
Max: —An hour!
Valerie: Yeah, an hour—
Max: —A good hour… Here…
[MAX gives INIGO the pill.]
Inigo: [leaving] Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay!
[INIGO and FEZZIK leave. MAX and VALERIE walk them to the door, where they stand and wave.]
Valerie: Bye-bye, boys!
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: [to MAX] Think it'll work?
Max: [to VALERIE] It would take a miracle.
Max and Valerie: Bye-bye!!