You Are Not Alone

This webpage has been created for stepmothers everywhere, from someone who has "Been there; Done that!", to let you know that you are not alone. Your situation is not unique. There are many people and resources out there to help you. There are many more links available than the ones I have listed at the bottom of this page. This is just a starting point. I have also included a list of books you can get from your local library, or buy.

Stereotyping people and situations is responsible for many of the problems in this world. There is such a preconceived idea of what the "family" should be: "a biological father, mother, big brother and little sister". What a real family is, is a group of people who live together, help each other and love each other. There need not be "blood" ties in order to care about and love another person, large or small.

There are also many preconceived ideas of what a "stepmother" is; I shall probably never forgive the Brothers Grimm for their fairy tale stepmothers, who are nothing short of the wicked witch of the north. In reality, stepmothers are just like any other kind of mother - they care, they worry, they love, they get angry, they get over it, they make mistakes, and sometimes they overprotect; but for the most part they mean well. They are just people doing the best they know how.

I firmly believe that a person is who they are, even before they are born. When a person arrives in this world, there is no instruction book that comes with them. This small person has no language skills with which to tell you what they do and don't like, or even who they are. You have to make the effort to get to know them, learn who they are, what their preferences are, and if possible try to help them grow into a responsible, compassionate, and contented large person. This bonding process of learning to know and learning to love takes place over the course of their being an infant, a toddler, a child and continues through the teen years. Ideally a deep love and attachment grows between parent and child that will last through their whole lives.

In the event of a death or a divorce, that bonding process is disrupted; even between the child and the parent that they are still living with. When one or both of the biological parents remarry, the child is placed in some very confusing and frustrating situations. The new "parent" is also on unknown territory, with what seems to be very little control of their lives. The biological parent is torn between two people they love and their own needs, wants and ideals. This situation is what is commonly called a "stepfamily".

This same bonding process that took place with the infant and parent, is what is needed in a step relationship. It can be a little more difficult to realize however, because in this event, both parties can and DO verbalize their preferences. They have difference experiences, and lifestyles that need to be blended; and like anyone else, are carrying a lot of excess emotional baggage around with them.

My husband and I had been married for four and a half years before our first daughter was born. That same year, five months later, we got custody of his two children from his first marriage. They were 12 and 10 years of age at the time.

Bingo! Suddenly we were a family, and more than that, a blended family and I was a full-time stepmother. There was nothing in my previous life to prepare for this eventuality. I had always been of the idealistic opinion that if you love a child...they will automatically love you back. That is what had always happened when I babysat, when I taught Sunday School, with my young niece, and even when I had had these same children, my stepchildren, for a visit.

The difference in this situation, however, was that I was now responsible for these young people on a full-time basis, twenty-four hours a day. And they couldn't look forward to going home at the end of the visit, because this was now home.

Our lifestyle experiences were complete opposites. They had come from a rather turbulent life, prior to coming to us. They had had 3 different stepfathers, and left two half-sisters and a half-brother behind. Life had changed drastically for them: going from almost no supervision, irregular meals and a lot of action and fighting; to a quiet, orderly home with a regular bedtime, meals (with vegetables) at set times, and people to answer to. It was very difficult for them. I am afraid that I didn't realize how much of an adjustment they were having to make as I had never known any other kind of lifestyle but quiet and orderly. I had no idea that they wouldn't find this a wonderful lifestyle or need time to adjust to it.

We had a long, hard road that we traveled, but I am thrilled to be able to say that we now have a wonderful relationship. I love them both so dearly, and I know that they really love me too. They may not be the children of my blood, but they are most definitely the children of my heart.

When we were going through all of this, I hadn't grasped the idea that our situation was not unique. I have talked to so many people since, both stepparents and stepchildren, and find that our problems were universal problems. I hope this has helped you to know that you are not alone. There are many, many people out there in the same predicament, and it can work. Just have faith in yourself, in your spouse, and in the children. Take each new day as a fresh beginning. Keep on loving each other and yourself, and trust in God to work it all out. He will, if you let him.

"Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9