It was the reflection of time..family..space..the whole being of where I was now for the moment..and Christmas a day away..here I was..it was the rainy season here in Viet Nam..trying to read a letter from home with my pocket flashlight..I kept thinking of years back when I would have never thought of being here..this hellish place on earth..
" Wishing you the best" was signed from friends I knew back home on cards..and short letters..and the love you's..the usual signatures..but no one knew the real deal here..this was meant to be the worse situation ever..and it was..there was no getting around to normal daily thoughts..
This place was not normal..the new grunts or first timer's away from home right out of basic training..or cherries as we regular army called them..were afraid of their own shadow and good reasoning for it...and then there were those who know it was a short life for some..and just did not give a hooters darn if they lived or died..or felt they had no reason to live..they did the good life as they called it by drinking themselves into oblivian..or using dope in some form or fashion
The rain was pouring..and the chill was deep..my poncho was soaked..and although I was not all that wet..the pounding rain on my helmet..and the echo of the raindrops on the poncho was enough in itself to make you want to scream..the weather was going to be in the monsoons now..this was going to be a daily routine of rain and more rain for months..
I always was afraid of the dreaded jungle rot..since hearing you had to take care of your feet..the problem with the rain and damp..changing socks many times a day..still nothing would stay dry..and back in the guarded base area was the only time I felt halfway safe..and then only sometimes..other times it would depend on the incoming rounds of the day or night..but I kept the thoughts of home close and dear to my heart..just wanting to see mom and dad again..brothers and sisters and my family meant a lot to me as it did to all the guys..I heard men cry..scream..and pray..and some never saying a word
I could hear nothing with the rain coming down like sheets of fine paper..and the leaves glistening in the midnight light..this was my watch out here in the bush..and my partners..and while those slept..I know for the moment it would be okay to read my letter..how many times had I already read it and could not hardly remember what was in it..the thought of concentration was limited..and I could never keep my wanted thoughts for very long..the fear of what was out there was more in mind.
Digging in my pockets for a candy bar..I had to do something..anything to take the edge off of the feeling I had..some from things I had seen..the others from nothing more than my own mind.. c-rations were not all that bad.. and they were always coming up with some new way of heating your food..even without fire this new space age..what would it be if there was a next time like this..of wasted time for what..to possibly be sent home in a body bag and a letter from the Company CO stating with what great fortitude I fought saving my buddies in this battalion..to my parents..
If the outside world could see this place..the smell of death..and the over baring run of the Viet Kong..then those high and mighty people who were all for us soldiers to be here in the first place..sure would be right behind us now..hiding..the more I thought of how I got here sometimes I just wanted to spit..this was my dad's idea..before I was to be drafted..said I might have a choice..but here I was a ground pounder..or foot soldier..11 Bravo as my MOS said..sure was not much choice in that..I was the one who signed up..did not take that first year in collage..now boy I sure wished I had..
At least I would have been deferred from this hellish place..and welcomed the thoughts now..no..I had to be the nice honest good going guy to do the right thing..should have gone to Canada where I could be out of this..It was to late to wish on something done in the past..I was here and had to make the best of it all..even if I sure did not like it..
I heard something ..turning off my flashlight which was only a small night light to begin with.. in the misty distance I could see the familiar hats of the mountain people..those up side down pointed straw hats..who knows there could be Kong with them included..but if they did not see me and my buddy Don..I sure was not going to make a stink..and start something..
My nerves were ready to explode and chilled as I was I could still feel the sweat drip off my forehead..and that little jerk you get when your scared to the bone..I counted about ten people in their little caravan walking along the path they knew so well..as they rounded a smaller area away from us now..I could still hear their chatter in that mundane sound of the Vietnamese people..
Looking at my watch with the green glow button to show time..I could see my watch would soon be over..and not soon enough..I was tired..cold..and hungry..and just plain wanted to go home..my home..with the nice warm bed..mom and dad putting the tree up..and the fire crackling in the fireplace..everyone getting ready for the Holiday of Christmas..and the day that Christ was born..what nice thought's as I heard a shot ring out..I felt colder still..and noticed something running,shinny in the dim light of night on my arm..feeling the rain run down..I see now that it is not rain..but me..my blood..I had been shot..maybe not bad..but to frightened now to do anything..I lie down on the soft green leaves and vines around me..I can hear mom and dad talking about the nice gathering of family members for Christmas dinner..turning to look for Don..I see him sitting there alert..with his M-16 ready..startled.. I jump up..here I am at home..it has been years since that fateful Christmas in Nam..the nightmares are still there ..not as often ..but still sometimes..and I think of those two tours I pulled in years gone.. wasted..and the sorrow I had while there..if people only knew..the horror..I am here with my family..loving wife and children..and have so very much to be thankful for..it was all another bad dream but..I often think will I always go through the torture of remembering..or shall it be..least we not forget!!
