I bitch and moan about everything, yet I never bare myself open for the world to see. I am James, not Jim, Jimbo, or Jimmy. I go to DePauw University, a glorified community college in Central Indiana. I fucked up my whole life by going with what other people told me to do. 10 days, out of school suspension for a Senior Prank! I'm fucking smarter then that. I have no common sense, though. That's why I broke my hand punching a bag of mulch. That's why I got 5 days out of school for publishing a game in Amish Drive By, using peoples real names. I'm insecure as all get out, too. You even look at me the wrong way, and I'm sure you hate me. One word, one misplaced phrase, and I'll think you want me dead. I got a 1400 on the SAT's, I hate it, yet I know how to mess with the educational system. I?m omnisexual, totally ignorant of gender roles, and a fetishist - what types of fetishes, you may wonder? If I'm feeling bold, I'll tell you. I've never even kissed, much less had sex, with a guy. I'm not gay enough to be comfortable with DePauw?s homosexual contingent, yet I'm much too "queer" to ever be comfortable with the masses of humanity that makes up the university. I love my girlfriend, Alyson, 8 months and counting. Don?t see her as much as I should. I'm trapped into doing things for peoples sakes, not my own. I used my magazine as an infospace for others, I didn't join a frat for a number of reasons, not least that my parents (in my twisted mind) would have taunted me. I love my parents. Most important thing in my life. Grew out of that angsty teen garbage a while ago. Appreciate them for all they've done. Don't want to not make them proud. Facades abound. I may be weird, off-beat, zany, quirky, but don't tell my parents things that I think will cause them to lose honor in me. This piece is one thing. I may not send this to my parents. Hell, I could tell them that I did meth (which I haven't did) and I would think it'd be better then telling them that I don't believe in cutting off 50% of a society just because societal conventions dictate that it is so. I've been in counseling - ADD and choking my sister. I'm totally open to my sister, but not my parents. Why is that? Many years ago, I was a slave to Cylert, and then Ritalin. I sold the pills to my classmates. Imagine that, a pushed are 9 years old! What a horror I was! I can't deal with people I care about. I immediately startt fighting them, and push them away until they give up. Scores of people have given up : Zim, Nicolette, PSB Girl, Emma, Anvil, and 2 girls sharing the most intimate days with me. Obviously, these names aren't real, but they know who they are, if they ever see the magazine or the piece. Some I haven't talked to in 6 years, some I alienate today. I drink too much. Am stopping. I can feel myself getting dumber. Three of the next weeks with be dry out of necessity, a good thing. My liver needs recovery. My knee needs recovery. My heart, my soul - I am physically and emotionally drained - papers have killed me, people have died, trauma is all around, and I just need a break. I love you all, even my detractors.