9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
8. Can check out the babes (or guys) rink side without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
6. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars."
4. Can get an inventive nickname like "Eddie."
3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
1. Two words: Bigger Stick.
9. Tried to read the vulcanized label on the side.
8. Slipped on the damn ice: someone should get some salt on that!
7. Was still laughing at that top ten list.
6. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
5. Sun got in my eyes.
4. Misunderstood the use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
3. Being a stop-rated goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only).
2. Wait, I'm the back-up !! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!
1. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!
9. For the significant other on your list; here's one that won't cost you a penny: After the game, you can "tend to his or her equipment", if you know what I mean.
8. Chia Pet (hey, everyone loves chia pets).
7. Ice packs, ice packs, and more ice packs.
6. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in 3 easy steps" endorsed by Mike Keenan).
5. Dominic Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."
4. Blaine Lacher's newest instructional video:"Riding the pine with style."
3. A contract with a real NHL team, instead of IHL, or a contract in hockey hell (Curtis Joseph only).
2. Clothing that brings out the color of the bruises.
1. Gift certificate for mental health services.
9. Letting those beach balls in.
8. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration".
7. Always annoying death threats from the opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
6. Always annoying death threats from your teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
5. Always annoying death threats from fans upon stepping onto the ice.
4. No annoying death threats being your the back-up's - backup.
3. Paternity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man.
2. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
1. When you flip the ref the bird behind your blocker, they can't even tell.
"WAYS TO MAKE HOCKEY MORE EXCITING"
9. Canadians must play in bare feet.
8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played Doc on "The Love Boat."
7. Just barely visible under ice : frozen body of Walt Disney.
6. Replace Zamboni with white Ford Bronco.
5. Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie--Miss Katherine Hepburn.
4. New snack bar item: Players' Missing Teeth Dipped in Fudge.
3. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from "The Love Boat."
2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
1. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it.
9. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
8. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
6. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
5. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
4.He's wearing a virtual reality mask.
3. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
2. Technique in stopping breakaways: Fake seizures.
1. Tries not to get hit by the puck.
9. Nickname dosen't exactly strike fear into opponents hearts.
8. Play dosen't strike any fear into their hearts either!
7. Get nauseous watching Hasek play in goal.
6. Fans get nauseous watching you play.
5. Having to duck flying swords on "Sabre Giveaway Night."
4. Playing in an arena with Marine in it's name.
3. Crowds are so quiet you can hear Niagara Falls during games.
2. "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.......PAT LAFONTAINE WITH THE GOAL!!!!!!!!"
1. You keep looking up at the big scoreboard, just in case it falls again.
