When pressed for comments, club officials would only read from a prepared statement, "The Montreal Expos are committed to financial responsibilty in order to lead the way into the post-industrial world for the French speaking youth of Quebec. We are taking these limited measures to assure the continued financial viability of this team, an appropriate return for our investors, and to provide the best entertainment value for our fans." The statement went on to say "We are also increasing ticket prices across the board by 200% in order to assure that the less desireable elements of society are unable to attend Montreal baseball. We feel that this will provide an overall more pleasant experience for the fans who can afford to attend." A number of factors have conspired to bring down the once secure franchise, including reduced fan support, dwindling advertising revenues (it's difficult to convince U.S. companies to sponsor the team with banners such as "English SUCKS" and "Yankee go home IN A CASKET" adorning the outfield walls, a stadium which is in constant need of repair, and new ownership reportedly backed by a consortium of corporate raiders. League officials have been evaluating the situation but have thus far been able to exert little control over the renegade ownership.

With the bad situation off the field, the team has been able to at least remain competitive early in the season. However, there are rumblings of discontent among players and coaches. Under an absolute promise of anonymity, one player provided an inside look from the athelete's perspective -- "Bo's (manager Belinsky) been taking this real hard. He's been walking around muttering Joey, Joey, where are you when I need a friend. I tried to remind him that Joey (Albert Belle) got traded to the Mets years ago and that Bo hasn't had drink or passed out with him for 3 or 4 seasons, but he just wouldn't listen. It was just a few days after that when we heard about Bo heading off to Joey's bar with a sack of cash he borrowed from some loan shark in Philly. It's just crazy man, him going off to see Joey and lay down some bets with Pete Rose at Joey's bar. He's

This report is the first in a continuing series of reports on the problems facing the beleaguered Expos. Next month's installment -- "Mr. Bo's Wild Ride" --
---Craig Christmann

The year I spent at Tres Juevos was memorable. We had a wonderful team and by August had built an 11 game lead. Mugsy Barry was manageen and he was one loco gringo. Everyone called heem "Mugsy" cause he put theese puss on when thee 'ngs were go een bad. He yelled at everybody and wouldn't leesten to nobody. I was the best heeter on the team, and he'd take more leep from me than from anybody else. He know'd I was smarter'n him, anyways, like you're go een to hear.

We had deese beeg lead, but we heet a slump as all teams wee'll. Well, we just lose a doubleheader to Cancun, 11 to 7 and 5 to 3, so we snarled all the way to Mexico City where we had an exheebeeshon game against a high school all star team. We put up at the hotel, stee 'll snarleen. Everyone was edgy and when Luis Medina took a swing at Bo Diaz at breakfast, Bo throw'd salsa all over heese face. "Blind each other, whatta I care?" says Barry. "You guys can't see a breaking ball anyway."

Well dee high school bambinos ween the game, 2-1, whilst Barry set een the dugout, muttereen and curseen like he was an X-rated Muttley cartoon. He bad-mouthed everybody on the ball club and he bad-mouthed everyone offa the ball club, includeen George Bush and Ronald Reagan, who, he claimed had yet to build a star wars weapon beeg enough for any of dee boys to heet weeth a baseball bat. "I shoulda been a farmer," he says to me. " Peegs, a few cows, some corn. Si, I shoulda been a farmer."

I told him to pull heself together, 'cause he was drivin' dee boys loco, dee way he was go een on, sulkeen, and bad-moutheen and whineen. I was smarter'n he was, and he know'd eet. I was ten times smarter'n he was about deese Herve Villachez, first time ever I laid eyes on dee leetle guy, wheech was one of dee saddest days of my life.

Edgar Martinez

Now most people don't recognize dee name, but everyone knows heem. Herve was dee man, eef you could call a fellah 34 inches tall a man, who was dee meedgeet on Fantasy Island. You know dee leetle guy runneen around, "Dee plane, boss, dee plane!" He was back home een Mexico. There was not much need for meedgeets on televeeshon een the late 1980's, so he was just liveen offa his reseeduals and jus' generally making heself a nuisance to anyone he met, and unfortunately I must say I was one. I can see heem now, a sneer on heese leetle pushed-een pan, swingeen a bamboo cane and smokeen a beeg ceegar. He had a white suit and he had a gray felt hat with one of them rainbow-colored hatbands onto eet, like the ninos in the barrios wore een them days.

After the game with the bambinos, Barry headed straight for dee hotel bar - dee bus back to Tres Juevos wasn't goin' for tree or four more hours - and dere he set drinkeen tequila and talkeen to dee bartender. So he was setteen dere telleen theese bartender how heartbreakeen eet was to be manager of a bunch a blindfolded overpaid clowns, when up pops deese Herve Villachez outa nowheres.

Of course eet geeves Barry dee leapeen jumps. "Get away from me!", Barry yells. But the meedgeet, not put off, pulls up a chairs anyways and says, "I seen dat game today, boss, and you ain't got no ball club. What you got dere, boss", he says, "ees a side show." He proceeds to buy Barry another tequila and dat was de begeeneen of dere beautiful friendship, eef you don't care what you say. Soon day were raisin' quite a ruckus. You could hear heem and Herve hooteen and hollereen and singeen way up to dee fourth floor of dee hotel, where dee boys were packeen up. When eet comes time to go to dee airport, you can eemageen how deesegusted we was when we crowded eento dee doorway of dat bar and seen deem two singeen and go een on. Eet only got worse when Barry gets on dee bus and announces dat Herve will be travelleen wheath us as a mascot for dee rest of dee season. We sat dere giveen 'em dee iron eye, eet be een dee lowest ebb a ball club manager'd got heself down to seence dee game was eenvented. Later, I told heem what a dumb thee 'ng he was do een, but he blew me off and said I knew notheen about notheen and that he had been a fan seence the days of Weelee Mays.

Well, we got home and kept loseen. Soon San Luis eese on our tails and day are comeen een for a beeg series only one game behind us. When we went out to face San Luis een a doubleheader openeen dee series, dee boys were as jeettery as jumpeen beans. We lose dee first game 7 to 2, and are traileen, 4-0, when dee second game ain't but ten minutes old. Barry sat dere like a stone statue, speakeen to nobody. Den een dere half of dee fourth, somebody seengled to center plateen two more runs for San Luis. That made Barry squawk, "I shoulda been a farmer! Herve, let's go see dee club lawyers after dee game."

Well we go on to lose dee nightcap 9-3, and that puts us eento second place, and as low een our mind as a ballclub can get. Dee next day was a horreeble day, like anybody that leeved through eet can tell you. Practeece was just over and dee San Luis ballclub was takeen dee field, when I hears a strange sound from dee stands. Et sounds like dee nervous weekereen a horse geeves when eet smells sometheen funny on dee weend. Eet was dee fans ketcheen sight of Herve Villachez, like you have probably guessed. Dee meedgeet had popped up onto dee field all dressed up een a meenature club uneeform, sox, cap, leetle letters sewed on heese chest, and all. He was swingeen a keed's bat and dee only thee'ng that kept him from lookeen like a real ballplayer seen through dee wrong end of a pair of binoculars was theese ceegar he was a smokeen.

I saddle up to Barry and asks heem, "Are you theenkeen of playeen theese guy?" He say, "Damn right I am. He's signed a nice legal contract. I'm just waiteen for dee right time." Dee owners of dee team were respectable beeznessmen who deed not take a shine to gringo monkey beezness. "May I be so bold to inquire," I says, "just what you told dee owners when you signed theese guy." "I told 'em" he says, "I wanted to sign a guy day ain't no peetcher in dee league can strike heem out."

"Uh-huh", I says, "and deed you tell heem what size man you signed."

"Never mind about that", he says, "I got papers on me, made out legal and proper, makeen one Herve Villachez a bone-of-fido member of these ballclub. I even showed eet to a lawyer from San Luis who tells me eet's all legal and proper."

"A San Luis lawyer would", I says, "see een notheen could make heem happier than haveen you makeen a mockery outa theese one time baseball outfeet."

Well dee game gets under way with no scoreen for eight eeneens, and seence dere ain't much to watch odder than batters strikeen out or poppeen up, dee fans pay much of dere attention to dee go eens on of Herve een dee dugout. He's out dere een front of dee dugout do een hand spree 'ngs and balanceen heese bat on heese cheen. Dee fans laughed and applauded heem, and he ate eet up. So eet went to dee top of dee ninth, notheen to notheen, no more than five or seeks heets all told,and no errors on eeder side. Our peetcher gets dee first two guys out easy. Deen up comes 19-year old Juan Gonzalez, and he slammed one off dee tobacco sign for tree bases. Dee next guy up slapped dee first ball he sees for a clean seengle to left field. Dee crowd fell silent, dee look of death comes onto Barry's face and even dee meedgeet stops heese tomfoolery. Dee next man fouled out back of third , and we come up for our last at bats like a bunch of school girls steppeen eento a pool of cold water.

When Manny Trillo heet out to second, I just closed my eyes. I open'd 'em to see Danny Tartabull dusteen off heese pants at second base, he haveen got heese first heet een nearly twenty at bats. Next up was Rene Gonzales, batteen for our peetcher, and he got a base on balls, walkeen on a fourth one you coulda combed your hair weeth. Deen up come Alviro Espinosa, our lead-off man. He croutches down een a fearsome stance, but all he can do eese pop to short and dere are two away. That brung up Ivan Calderon. Ivan took a swee 'ng at one you couldn't heet with a nine iron, but deen he gets sense enough to wait 'em out, and finally he walks, too, loadeen dee bases.

Yes sir, dere you are; dee tyin' run at third, dee weeneen run at second and Jose Canseco comeen to dee plate. Jose was built like a breek sheethouse, and dee San Luis manager decides that he has seen enough of heese starter and bree 'ngs een young Ramon Martinez to close.

Jose was heeteen better than anyone on dee club, and had twenty three home runs, and eet was mighty hearteeneen see'een heem strideen up toward dee plate. But he never got dere. "Wait a minute", yells Barry, "I'm sending een a peench heeter!"

All of dee fellahs began sqawkeen at once, except Jose who just looked at Barry as eef he had gone crazy. Martinez just stood out on dee mound weeth a deeseagreeable look on heese face, and dee plate umpire told Barry to go on and get a batter up. Barry yells, "Villachez batting for Canseco!"

Barry pushes Herve toward dee plate and tells heem "Just stand dere weeth dee bat on heese shoulder. Deere's not a peetcher een theese league can throw a strike to you." "I get eet boss", says dee meedgeet, "He'll walk me and force een dee tyeen run."

About theese time dee San Luis manager gets eet too and now he comes out to squawk at dee home plate umpire. I don't need to tell you that all hell broke lose at dee ballpark den. Dee home plate manager stalked over to Barry like a traffeek cop, and dee San Luis manager kept yelleen like heese house was on fire. Dee plate umpire called een dee field umpires, and day talked awhile, like a couple of doctors see een dee buboneek plague for dee first time. Day break up and dee umpire comes over and tells Barry to geet a real batter up or else he wee'll forfeit dee game to San Luis. Deen Barry played heese ace. He wheeps out dee meedgeet's contract and shows eet to dee home plate ump. He calls een dee field umps. Dee umps studied eet like eet was calculus, all dee while dee San Luis managers and players were screameen.

Day fought about heem bee'n a meedgeet and day fought about heem useen a keed's bat, and day fought about where he had been all season. Dere were eight or nine rule books out and no one could find a rule preventeen Herve from batteen. Nobody had ever dreamed of deese seetuashon, even as a nightmare. Maybe you can't send a meedgeet to bat een dee beeg leagues, but you could een Mexico, at least you could den.

Dee San Luis manager eese really een a ladder back een heese dugout. He's just seen a veteran peetcher walk two normal sized batters and now he's gotta watch a rook peetch to a meedgeet. Eet was an odd sight, even een a croutcheen poseeshon dere catcher towered over Herve like Mount Rainier. Dee ump just about decombobulates heemself to get a view of dee strike zone and finally ends up squatteen on all four haunches like a football line man.

Well Martinez slams een dee first pitch, hard and wild, maybe two feet over dee meedgeet's head. "Ball one!", calls dee ump. Dee catcher goes out to dee mound and talks to Martinez. He comes een side armed dee next peetch and stee'll throws dee ball a foot over Herve's head. "Ball two!", says dee ump. Dee catcher walks out again and now dee whole eenfield eese een giveen advice. For dee third peetch Martinez throws flat-footed, tosseen softly like you would to a seeks year old. But eet comes een high, at Herve's eyes and dee ump shoots a glance of commeeseration at Martinez but he calls, "Ball Three!"

Martinez decides to geeve heem a soft toss again, see een as he had come closer weeth that than a fastball. Dee ball comes een beeg as a basketball slower than any peetch ever peetched before. Eet's right een at Herve's chest and must look like a full moon to heem.

Herve heet eet! Barry geeves out a groan as dee ball rolls a few feet een front of home plate. "Fair ball!", yells dee ump, and dee meedgeet starts runneen for first base makeen maybe ninety foot an hour. Everyone is yelleen and dee eenfield eese chargeen. Dee 3rd baseman and shortstop and peetcher converge on dee ball, but dee catcher gets dere first, and kicks eet by all three of dem. Dee peetcher sleeps meanwhile and takes out dee shortstop and 3rd baseman as day turned to retrieve dee ball. Meanwhile Tartabull has crossed dee plate weeth dee tyeen run and Rene Gonzales eese roundeen third on heese way to scoreen dee weeneen run. Reeky Henderson coulda got a treeple outa that bunt, what weeth everyone falleen all over demselves, but Herve eese stee'll feefteen to twenty feet away from first base. Dee second baseman runs over, picks dee ball up cleanly and neatly retires dee meedgeet by about five feet. Game over, we lose.

Dee players come runneen een and I see Barry. He starts chaseen after Herve faster than any managers ever run before. Herve hides behind dee ump, putteen heem een dee precarious position of holdeen Barry offa heem weeth one hand and peeleen dee meedgeet offa heem weeth dee odder. Finally Barry catches dee meedgeet. He's got ahold of dee leetle guys by heese ankles and begeens whirleen heem around and around heese head like he was a hammer tosser and Herve was dee hammer. Finally he leet's go and Herve went saileen toward centerfield. People een dee crowd shouted, "Dee Plane! Dee plane!" Dee odder team's shortstop tried to get heem to keep heem from busteen like an egg, but Herve eese spiraleen through dee air, not end over end, and derefore covers greater deesestance and gets over dee shortstop's head. Juan Samuel was dee premier defenseeve centerfielder een dee league. He sees what's happeneen and tries to catch dee midget. Now I know you've never seen a meedgeet catched, and you probably ain't even seen one throw'd. To catch a meedgeet you run under heem and weeth heem, and pull your hands and arms back and down as you catch heem, to break dee compact of heese body, or you'll bust heem een two like a broken bat. I've seen Junior Greeffey make wonderful catches here, but never none better than Samuel made that day. Unfortunately, eet traumatized heem and he hasn't been able to do much more than DH ever seence.

Well dee last I seen of Villachez, he had been caught by some enormous woman who was smodeereen heem weeth keeses. Good reeddance to heem! Dee eenceedent broke dee tenshon surroundeen dee club. Even old Mugsy lightened up and laughed about. We got back on track and won dee pennant by seeks games. So you're askeen me what type of manager Barry eese? Well I'd say he feets een radder well weeth theese bunch een dee Molson League.
---Pat Barry

LaRussa

Mr. Klug's field-manager-for-life Tony LaRussa, welcomes returning to the place he made his major-league debut. "Kansas City can be wonderful in the summertime when the odour of the slaughter houses just gives those backyard bar-be-ques the extra essence they do indeed need." Molson Hockey League Trivia: When the Molson league had a hockey incarnation, can anyone name the coach of Mr. Klug's team? Hint: He played on the 1977-78 Islanders, and became the first manager of Mr. Klug's baseball MBL franchise in 1981. The first MBL member to guess the identity of this icon wins a free historical player set from Diamond Dreams.
---Chris Klug

John Wetteland wasn't a big fan of the deal. "What the hell they need him for. I'm the closer around here. Didn't I prove anything the last 4 years." Wetteland has rescinded his trade demands as Phelps claims he is still the number one guy out of the pen.

Wetteland wasn't the only one concerned with the off-season moves. Jose Vizcaino, last years short stop, lost his job to new comer Kevin Elster. Jose still is starting at second but not without a fight. "Asking me to play anywhere but short is going to hurt the team. It's like asking that piece-of-shit Ivan Rodriguez to be a major league catcher," commented Vizcano.

Hollins: Unhappy in LA

Dave Hollins was thrilled to be claimed off waivers this winter. The excitement about coming to a winner lasted two weeks as he lost his starting position to Kevin Seitzer. When asked about the situation, Hollins said, "I'm not no fucking backup."

All the turmoil with the club has lead to the 9-11 start that the Dodgers have gotten off to. The early going would indicate that the Dodgers are not going to keep their string of 100 win seasons alive. When asked about it, Phelps said, "All we want to do is win the division. You can't look to September and worry about if your going to blow away the competition. I don't even want to think about it The competition in the division will be somewhat better this year. We got rid of our doormat when Baltimore replaced Minnesota in the division. St. Louis and the Yankees are much improved. They actually have guys on the mound who can get the ball to the plate on a fly. It won't be like years past."
---Bob Biermann

Let me start the whole thing off by saying that Pat [Gillick, GM] and I had many long discussions about the team as it stood at the end of last season plus what talent we could expect from our minor league and by what year. We then made an assessment of our particular division and our relative strengths, weaknesses in for the upcoming season.

Frankly, all of our decisions were based on these basic facts:
(1) We were not going to catch LA this year, yet another distant second at best;
(2) Long term minor league strength is pitching and the current overall staff is competent;
(3) Shannon Stewart is not ready, rely on Derek Bell (extend his contract);
(4) Second base needs a regular player not a gaggle of utility infielders;
(5) Angel Martinez is not a cornerstone catcher and Greg Myers is aging -- get some one.
(6) Chili Davis is too expensive, negotiate down, trade or drop; and,
(7) We have money, middle infielders, outfielders, and lesser pitchers for trade fodder.

We decided to first resolve the Chili Davis expense issue. Chili appeared to appreciate our position of needing to free up cash to gain, retain younger players. Nonetheless, he decided to go free agent rather than take a salary reduction. His club house leadership will be missed. We took some of the frred up money to extend Joe Carter's and Geronimo Berroa's contracts by 1 year and sign Carlos Delgado to a multi-year deal.

We then decided that we simply had to settle the second base situation. Since Harold Reynolds retired two years ago, second base has had Chris Gomez, Domingo Cedeno, Jose Heranandez, and Tomas Perez play there. All four were returning with Filipe Crespo, Tilson Brito, and Miguel Cairo also vying for the job. We wanted a starter who should be around for years. Chris is starting-quality at shortstop but the rest are utility infielders. The Phillies were overstocked with starting-quality second basemen and no shortstop. Frankly, we were trying for Young, but figured Delino DeShields plus Chuck Carr would give us a much needed boost in team speed.

It was obvious to us that Chuck Carr, due to his work ethic and general attitude, should be viewed as a fourth outfielder or bench help. This would have been fine by us. Unfortunately, with the arrival of Carr, Derek Bell's agent threaten us with arbitration, unless Bell getsto play right field exclusively. Given what Derek meant to us last year, we were sure they would win. So, we were faced with playing either Derek or Shawn Green (both are a former Minor League Player of the Year) in right. Moreover, wiith David Hulse having gone free agent a month before, we did not have a starting-quality center firlder. We did not feel that we could wait and go after Becker in the draft. Pat wanted Jason Kendall to resolve the catcher issue. He knew Becker wouldn't make it to the eleventh overall pick. Looking over the over teams, we thought Jason just might slide that long in the draft. Since Atlanta was willing to part with Brian L. Hunter for Derek Bell and first round pick swap, we went for the trade. [I see that the Braves avoided arbitration by paying Derek $2.5M.]

The $2.5 Million Man

Now call it insurance or call it a panic buy but we paid $2.5M to SD to move (back) up to fourth overall so pat could get Kendall. Pat and owner Joe Samocha were having a harder time, than in past years, reading the other owners' intentions. We had the money to spare, even with last year's penalties, so we felt the $2.5M was worth it. Pat and I figure that Jason, at 22, will be a mainstay catcher for years to come. Sandy Martinez, 24, should be around also. Greg Myers, who is showing signs of the position's wear-and-tear, can then transition out slowly as Jose Mosquera (or other minor league prospects) start making the show in 2-3 years.

The rest of the draft was called "get your [forced to release] players back and look for omplements to your existing players." For example, we grabbed veteran Mike Bielicki to help in the set-up role and to shepard rookies like Tim Crabtree. Unfortunately, we hadn't quite adjusted to the new 35 man roster limit so we wound up drafting several guys we had to let go of at cut time.

As far as how we stand in the division. Well, see item number one in the third paragraph. Pat Hentgen was throwing extremely well during spring training -- until the last exhibition game he pitched. He took a Frank Thomas liner off his right shoulder. Nothing is broken but his shoulder has stiffened up on him. Al Leiter still has great stuff and control problems. Tom Candiotti is a classic knuckballer in his late 30s -- when "on" is very good when "off" is gopher ball incorporated. Jimmy Key looks to be shifting into crafty veteran pitcher status quite well. He bullpen is inconsistent with only Crabtree and Timlin showing flashes of brillance. During spring training, the offense started to worry me. Berroa, Carter, Delgado, and Fryman on a roll together makes for some impressive offense. They've been on a simultaneous roll only two games out of ten. DeShields and Hunter are getting on base far below their potential, which isn't causing the disruption to pitching sought after. Olerud has lost his power stroke. Finally, Alex Gonzales is trying too hard to be the next in the line of offensive shortstops like Yount-Trammell-Ripken-Larkin.

JAYS CHATTER: Pat Hentgen's stiff shoulder is limiting him. He is 0-4 with and ERA of 9.45...Jimmy Key is 4-0 mostly due to run support. He has, however, been seen messaging his throwing arm elbow, while on the mound, in the fourth inning of each start...Jason Kendall has lived up to expectations, when not injured...Greg Myers is having his best offensive start ever.
---Joe Samocha

In the first month the Brewers, have went a mediocore 14-10. With a Rick Wilkins helping fuel many of those wins with key base hits and even a few homers. Barry Larkin is hoping for a better 2nd month coming off a below 200 batting average during the month of May.
---Jim Melby

"After Buchanan made up his mind to relocate to Boston, he decided to make sure it was an easy transition. It is much easier to move a fifth-place team than a pennant winner. Not only has he broken the hearts of baseball fans in Southern California, he has ruined what could have been a grand send-off party." Buchanan declined to comment on the editorial.

Manager Tom Herr, in off the record remarks, conceeded that he was disappointed by the sudden change in the direction of the franchise. Herr apparently was irritated with Buchanan for waiting until the day before the season opener in Kansas City to make the deals. "The whole character of the team was suddenly disrupted. How am I supposed to plan team strategies and tactics when I am suddenly starting John Wehner at second instead of Robby? [Pitching Coach Bob Gibson] Gibby all of a sudden has D'Amico, an unproven rookie, starting in the place of a 15-game winner." On March 21, Todd "Mr." Haney replaced Wehner as the team;s regular second-sacker. Both Haney and D'Amico have performed well thus far.

The apparent split between Herr and Buchanan has fueled speculation that the Friar might not be the only thing left in San Diego when the franchise moves to Boston next season. Herr was careful clearly indicate his dissent was with the timing of the trades, not the deals themselves. While Herr expressed a willingness to continue under the remaining two years on his contract, Buchanan and general manager Whitey Herzog were non-commital. Pawtucket manager Jerry Remy has been mentioned as a possible candidate to manage the first Boston game at Fenway Park next year.

Despite the problems with season ticket holders, home dates against the rival Beavers, Phillies, Senators, and Astros have sold out for the second consecutive year. "Even with Otis gone, there is no lack of hatred around here against those bastards," said new enforcer Ron Gant. "Personally, I'd love to get into it this year with the plastic Assholes, err... Astros. Every year we battle with the Beavs, Gambino's losers of the week, and those undisciplined fags at RFK. I think it is high time that we stirred things up with the unemotional, plastic figurines that play for Rich Polin."

Rob Deer?

Friar's Tales: Gant is the early leading candidate for the Rob Deer Award. In March, he had a total of 8 hits with 7 landing over the fence. "I guess if you're gonna hit .148 through the first 18 games, you may as well hit as many as you can over the fence," Gant quipped. ...Rookie Jeff D'Amico, the opening day starter, has thrown well through his first four starts compiling a 1-1 record and 3.09 ERA. Indeed, pitching has been a surprising strength thus far as the staff has posted a 3.98 ERA. The loss of Hoffman, however, has already been felt with 4 blown saves in 8 opportunities. ... 1B Fred McGriff, nearly traded to Anaheim as part of a package in exchange for Mo Vaughn, is the Padres' offensive MVP of the month. McGriff hit .434 with 3 homeruns and 10 RBI. RP Doug Bochtler earned pitcher of the month honors with 3 wins out of the pen and a 1.59 ERA. ...The AAA Pawtucket Red Sox are looking forward to a successful season in the International League featuring a lineup including Garciaparra, Jones, Jose Malave, Mike Lieberthal, and the recently-acquired Tony Womack. The Pawsox staff will include Suppan, Matt Wagner, Curt Lyons, and Brian Anderson.
---Jack Buchanan

Having not engaged in any trades for almost two years, the Gambino Group gave Luca the green light to repair a team ravaged by notoriously incompetent and myopic management on the part of the team's previous owners. For example, the Phillies faced the prospect of starting this season with five second basemen on the roster, each of them having more than 500 at-bats. Luca was clearly determined to reduce this surplus while addressing shortages in other areas, most notably at shortstop and in the starting rotation. He began by moving 2B Delino Deshields and CF Chuck Carr to Toronto for SS Chris Gomez and almost $300,000. He then addressed the starting shortage by chucking another second basemen, the overrated Eric Young, to Baltimore for two starters, James Baldwin and Rocky Coppinger, and promising reliever Jay Powell. On the eve of the draft, he then moved SP Pat Rapp to San Francisco for a host of Giants rookies, including 1B Desi Wilson, 2B Jay Canizaro and SS Rich Aurilia. Having protected rookies SS Desi Relaford, 3B Scott Rolen, OF Wendell Magee, and SPs Matt Beech and Calvin Maduro in the winter draft, Luca proceeded to make a final offseason attempt to bolster the team's pitching by sending last year's team MVP, 1B/3B Kevin Seitzer, to Los Angeles for SP Pedro Astacio. Despite these trades, Gambino succeeded in turning a $4 million payroll deficit into a $3 million operating surplus with a matter of weeks.

Hopes were high at the Vet as the Phillies ran onto the field to the refrain of "Free John Gotti" of the Fun-Loving Criminals' Song "King of New York." The season-opening series against Minnesota turned into an unmitigated

Curtis: Friend of Ken Kaiser?

disaster, however, as the Phillies lost all four games and attendance figures dropped by 15,000 from the first game through the last. Much-heralded rookie Maduro opened the season, but was promptly mauled by the Twins for six earned runs in less than six innings. As if to make matters worse, CF Chad Curtis was ejected following a game-three strikeout by questioning home-plate umpire Ken Kaiser's sexual orientation. The final blow came in the ninth inning of that game when Dan "not the man" Plesac turned a 3-2 Phillies lead into a 4-3 loss. His first pitch was TAGGED into the Deleware, and Plesac never regained form. SP Mike Grace took a loss, despite an impressive outing. Rookie phenom Rolen saw his debut in the series, and greeted hopeful fans with his first major-league hit. C Benito Santiago was named player of the series, having turned in an impressive performace in the field as well as stoking the Phillies' less-than-impressive offense with 7 hits, 1 HR and 3 RBI.

Following the series was a controversial trip to Anaheim. Newman alreadyrecorded his gripe with the league commissioner's office over what he called "sorry-ass scheduling," which sent the team from Philly to California and back in only three days without any rest on either end of the series against the Angels. The Phils didn't handle the jet-lag well, losing three of four to their hosts. Bad blood arose in game two of the series, when RF Orlando Merced was beaned in the head, and placed on the DL for 34 games. "Hitting" coach Don Baylor was immediately on the phone to Gambino HQ in Philadelphia. Nevertheless, predicted-MVP Jeff Cirillo recorded 10 hits, 1 HR and 5 RBI in the series. Maduro showed impressive form in his final start before being optioned to Scranton, striking out 10, but nevertheless was beaten like Reginald Denny by an angry Angels lineup. Curtis managed to avoid another ejection, and made some spectacular plays in the outfield.

The Phils returned home on the redeye from LAX to face a much-hated opponent, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta's pitching proved too much, however, as the Braves took the series, 3-1. Despite a .238 team performance, Santiago and Cirillo managed five hits and 3 RBI apiece, with the former nailing two more homers and playing spectacularly behind the plate. Baldwin performed well in his first start for the Phils, recording seven strikeouts in eight innings.

HIT LIST: Curtis and Dante "Bitchette," hitting .152 and .065 respectively, are playing "pitifully" according to Baylor. Karros is also causing concern, hitting only .167. The 15 March Enquirer reported that trade rumors concerning these players is rife... A fight erupted in the dugout between Bichette and Newman following an 0-4 performance by the former against Atlanta, leading Newman to remark, "go play for the Senators, you pussy." This occurred in the wake of "nice game, pretty boy" taunts from fans in the outfield bleachers...One of the few pleasant surprises for Newman thus far has been the performance by rookie Desi Wilson, who is hitting .323 with 2 HR in 11 games...Phils promotions at the end of March include "Fry a Frenchie" night in game one against Montreal.
---Todd Clark

Da Guvnah

Nevertheless, Da Guvnah' reported to the Padres in accordance with MBL regulations. The Senators braintrust looked at it as a chance to have a spy within an enemy camp. And though his tenure was shortlived (he was liberated from the Heathens after just one day), Da Guvnah' brought back some interesting observations from his stay in Stalag Padre.

Apparently, Mr. Buchanan, who in the past has made serious allegations about the sexual practices of certain Senator players (past and present), is running a regular Soddom and Gomorrah operation on the Mexican border. Da Guvnah' brought back tales, the likes of which have not been heard in the MBL since a previous owner of the Mariners took exception to Buchanan's slanderous remarks about the Senators. Donkeys, chickens, border patrol guards, Mexican hookers and Padre players apparently frolick about in simply unspeakable fashion on a regular basis.

Reno-Fitzgerald

Unfortunately, just like Major League Baseball, MBL teams looking for discipline can't look to the Commisioner when it comes to his very own team. And so, the Padres will continue to run amuck, besmirching the reputation of the league. If only the allegations about the connections between Attorney General Mr. Reno and the Senators were true -- then the league could reign in Buchanan. Sadly, those reports are, like so much emanating from the league office, completely without foundation. And so, the Padres will continue to carry on in their disgraceful manner.

On the field, it was a dissapointing first month for the Senators as they stumbled to a 9-15 mark. The cuplrits were starting pitchers Darren Oliver (7.21 ERA) and Roger Pavlik (6.35 ERA) and underperforming hitters Jose Valentin (.265 OBP and .341 SLG), Rusty Greer (.296 and .350) and Jose Canseco (.342 and .323). The sorry performance prompted an obviously perturbed Guvnah' to say "Boy, do we ever need a series with the Phillies".

NOTES FROM THE HILL: In Da Guvnah's absence, the Senators were under the temporary tutelage of recently appointed bench coach, Bobby Bowden. Coach Bowden (who has made a habit of toying with the overmatched schoolboys masquerading as football players at the alma mater of a certain MBL Commisssioner) has joined the Senators in an effort to get under the skin of Mr. Buchanan.
---Gord Fitzgerald

"LESS IS MORE"
The Houston Astros had a boring offseason. A year removed from winning their first MBL championship of the Polin era, the club struggled to a third place divisional finish (albeit with the seventh best record in the league). The primary reason for the failure to repeat was a recurring slew of injuries which necessitated the substitution of Cummings and Petagine for Lofton and Bagwell as a much too frequent occurrence.

The response to a downturn could either be radical change (see the hated Giants) or holding the course and hoping for more typical performances. The Astros did the latter. The club entertained several trade offered but remained essentially unchanged coming into the draft. Cuts included annual disapointments pitchers Ryan

Bill Ripken

Bowen and Brian Williams and outfielder Midre Cummings. Infielder and former manager Bill RIpken was also released but offered a job in the front office. The final cuts were the most difficult by far: last year's top pick Clint Sodowsky and starter Paul Wagner. With the 35 man roster, maybes and projects simply could not be retained.

The newcomers are led by veteran outfielder Eric Davis, attempting to make a MBL comeback at age 34. "He was the fourth or fifth guy on our list in the entire draft, "said general manager John Thompson, "If we couldn't get a Renteria, Kendall, or Garciaparra then Eric was our man. We expect him to provide power, speed, and defense in left, at least until Bobby Abreu is ready in a couple of years. We were really shocked to see Jaime Bluma available in the third round, and felt fortunate to pick up Rico Jordan and Chuck McElroy later on. Paco Martin was recommended by Bill RIpken to be his replacement.

With major changes only in the bullpen, the Astros headed into their first series with the Mets. On opening night Fernando Valenzuela outdueled Dave Burba 6-3, although two of the runs were unearned. The Astros took the next three with starters Ben McDonald, Darryl Kile, and Mark Portugal all posting wins and rookie Billy Wagner earning 2 saves. Wagner struck out the side in game three for his first save in his first MBL game, then struck out another 2 in the ninth the following night (Tino Martinez and Albert Belle). For the series the team hit .336 with Brian Jordan, Sandy Alomar, and Craig Biggio all hitting .500.

The Astros were outplayed at home by Seattle in series three, losing 3-1. Only Jordan and Alomar remained hot, as Ken Griffey (.438) A Rod (.312) and Edgar Martinez (.357) were too much to handle. Wagner saved the only win.

The Astros then went on the road and took 7 of 8 from Minnesota and Atlanta. Against the Twins, Mark Portugal tossed a three hit shutout while Kile and Steve Avery also delivered complete game wins. Burba and Wagner combined to take game 4. In Atlanta, Ben MacDonald and Wagner combined on a shutout in game one and the Astros proceded to take the series 3-1. Bagwell domiated, hitting .417 with two homers.

In the last home series of the month, the Astros defeated the Athletics 3-1, in a replay of the 1994 MBL World series. The stars were Biggio (.500), Caminiti (.438), and Royce Clayton (.562, 6 RBI, 2 triples, 1 homer). In game one, a ninth inning comeback frustrated the Eck 5-4. Clayton led off the ninth with his 4th hit of the game. Craig Shipley pinch ran and stole second. Alomar singled in Shipley, then scored on Craig Biggio's two out double. Game 2 was also a comeback special, with the 'Stros overcoming a 6-5 deficit in the 7th to win 9-6. The big blow was a two run pinch homer by Eric Davis.

Game three was one for the ages. The A's fired off on Astro starter Kile for 5 in the first, with homers by Surhoff and John Flaherty. The 'Stros scored 4 in the 5th to tie it with Clayton playing longball. Houston went up 7-5 but an Edgar Renteria grand slam gave Oakland back an 11-7 lead in the 7th. The Astros responded with 4 in the bottom of the seventh on a Darryl Strawberry pinch grand slam. Tim Salmon then won it with a homer in the eighth off of Dave Veres with a solo shot. In game 4, Portugal pitched his second 3 hit shutout of the month, outdueling Oakland 4-0.

A 14-6 record (with one series pending) certainly provided a promising start to the new campaign and provided evidence, that although a lack of change may be boring, in this case "less is more."
---Rich Polin

Ozzie Timmons

So now I own the Cleveland Indians, and boy does that feel weird. I am a life long National League fan. I grew up near Pittsburgh and spent eleven years in St. Louis. Years ago I owned the Brewers in my first stint as an MBL owner, but somehow owning the Indians feels different. How and why the Indians? My first choice of change was the Marlins. I thought that it would be cool as the only Florida owner to own the Marlins. They were ranked in the top third of best minor league franchises and they are in the National League. My second choice was the Indians because every source I looked at ranked their minor league system in the top three, with one article claiming it as being stacked from top to bottom with prospects which will keep the Indians stocked well into the next century. I was asked why I did not choose the Devil Rays. I listen a great deal to an all sports radio station from Tampa. From what they have said and what I have read in publications, the Diamondbacks will be competitive long before the Devil Rays. I was surprised at some of the other franchise changes. I did not expect the Padres to be dropped and I definitely did not foresee Cincinnati being selected.
---Walt Bick

Efforts to put together trades were met with indifference, as most of the MBL seemed to be also rebuilding, and the elite teams seemed to show little interest in additional hitters. Until the Giants finally put together what would have been the biggest blockbuster trade in franchise history to acquire Seattle center-fielder Ken Griffey, Jr. Unfortunately, soon after the trade was completed, it was voided after retroactive enforcement of the "UEOLE" rule made it impossible for Seattle to make the deal under the fundamentally changed conditions of the rule enforcement.

Although this was a severe disappointment for the Giants, the nixed trade set a number of events into motion that changed the perspective for the 1996 season and beyond. The failure of the trade left the San Francisco roster from 1995 largely intact, save for the gaping hole left by 2B Lou Whitaker's retirement. At the same time, the favorites to retain the division crown, the San Diego Padres, made several trades which greatly improved their future perspective, but made them less serious contenders for a 1996 pennant. Suddenly, the Giants seemed to have a realistic chance at a division title.

At the same time, the failure of the Griffey trade set into motion plans for relocation of the franchise to Miami, where the team will begin play in 1997 as the Florida Marlins. Ever since the entry of the Oakland Athletics into the Bay Area baseball market, the Giants have faced declining revenues and attendance {Editor's note: The Oakland Athletics have announced their intention to move to Kansas City next season}. Bringing in a marquee player like Griffey was seen as the last chance to revive interest in the team and to get a deal for a new ballpark to replace the wretched confines of Candlestick Park.

Fernandez heads home

With the announced move to Miami, a number of ironies surfaced. One of the most happy beneficiaries of the changes is Giants ace Alex Fernandez. Fernandez was the key player in the Griffey deal from the Giants side. After the botched deal, Fernandez learned that instead of going north to Seattle, he would be going to play in his Miami hometown in a year. Another irony is that Mike Lansing, whose newly-declared free agent status was a major factor in the Mariners' inability to make the Griffey trade, was himself signed as the Giants' new second baseman.

And so, amid speculation about the Giants' ability to draw fans for a lame-duck season in San Francisco, the 1996 season began. So far, the team has been rather mediocre, posting a 2-2 record in every series but one (a 1-3 showing against the Mariners) to post an 11-13 March record.

Poor hitting has been the primary reason for the Giants' slow start. In particular, LF Tony Phillips (.215 BA/.290 SLG/.327 OBP), 1B Will Clark (.224/.269/.308) and 3B Bobby Bonilla (.205/.273/.308) have been severe disappointments. On the bright side, RF Manny Ramirez has gotten off to a tremendous start (.385/.714/.448, with 7 HR and 23 RBI).

Giants pitching has been quite effective so far, with strong starts by veteran anchors Alex Fernandez and John Burkett. But the big story so far has been rookie Shawn "T" Estes. Estes has been somewhat inconsistent, but has shown that he definitely has the stones to pitch in the MBL with his 3-2, 2.60 ERA campaign. Estes impressed everybody in his major league debut, a sparkling one-hit shutout of the Seattle Mariners which recalled Alex Fernandez' MBL debut no-hitter. Estes has struggled with his control, however, but won praise for working through tight spots in a remarkable start against the New York Mets. Estes' linescore for that game:

Pitcher	w	l	s	ip	h	r	er	hr	bb	so
Shawn Estes	1	0	0	7.1	6	2	2	1	10	5

During the game, despite problems with his control, Estes worked through no less than three bases-loaded, one-or-no outs jams, coming out with minimal damage.
---David Conner

Other offseason pickups are showing the reason why they were acquired. New left fielder Ellis Burks is tearing up the league. He is batting a robust .397 and has scored 18 runs and knocked in 21. Center fielder Otis Nixon is off to a fast start hitting .312.

YANKEE DOODLES...... The Mbl Commish is said to be looking into a rumor that the Yankees are using subliminal messages on their Jumbotron during home games. Owner Sotolar is downplaying the acusations. In a televised press conference he announced " The Yankees(LA Sucks)would never try to manipulate(LA Sucks)peoples minds. We have(LA Sucks)a classy organization(LA Sucks) and would never stoop that low(LA SUCKS).
---Chip Sotolar

Twist

Chase

The Angles offense, which scored 116 runs in the 20 games, was led by Terry Steinbach with a .321BA,.543 SA, 4 HR, 16 Runs, and 19 RBI's; Brady Anderson with a .286 BA, .514 SA, 3 HR, and 17 runs scored; and Ray Durham with a .303 BA, 487 SA, 3 HR, and 15 RBI's from the 8th spot. The pitching staff, with a sparkling 3.38 ERA for the 20 games, was led by Curt Schilling who was 4-0 with a 1.62 ERA and 39 K's in 33 innings; Andy Ashby who was 3-0 with a 3.04 ERA; and Troy Percival who was 1-0 with 8 saves in 9 opportunities, 22 K's in 15 innings, and a 1.80 ERA.

Performances of the month went to Doc Gooden who had a line of 9 4 1 1 1 10 for a game score of 84 in a 9-1 drubbing of the Blue Jays, and Terry Steinbach who went 4-5 with 2 Runs, 1 Double, 1HR, and 5 RBI's in the same game.
---Dennis Nicholson