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Murphy's Laws for Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses-- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side
down
is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument
over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs
to
be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than
other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next
ten
seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the
treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of
the
refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase
if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
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I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work
this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway
over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it
spilled all over my cell phone!
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At first I thought, "How could women be from Venus? It's got an
atmosphere
of poisonous gas!" And then I made the connection: potpourri! - Larry
Hollister
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Uh, Lingering Death?
"What does lung cancer in 20 years mean to a hallucinating patient now?"
- Dr. John Bachman, explaining why institutions "reward" mentally ill patients with cigarettes.
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Chicken
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist....Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britain's sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists
for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."
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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
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TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Here are some conversations which had actually happened
between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're
open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in
it."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done
up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am
still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to
work?"
The kid sat with Santa Claus. "I wanna have a train, a six-gun, an
erector
set, a chemistry set, a cowboy suit, a bicycle, a scooter, a catcher's
mitt, a set of soldiers, a toy garage with cars and trucks and a heavy
crane..."
"Okay," laughed Santa. "I'll look in the bok and see if you were a good
boy."
"Never mind looking in the book. I'll settle for a pair of roller
skates."
"Why is it that all the semi drivers who cut me off or pull
out in front of me never seem to have that 'How's My
Driving?' telephone number on the back of their trucks?"
- Unknown
"The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list
of 30 changes to make air travel safer. No. 1 on the list:
no more crashes."
- Norm Macdonald
"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down
in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm
outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy,
I'm glad I'm not out in that.'"
- Jack Handey
"I hate it when you can never find a pen when you need one,
so you end up having to slit someone's throat just to use
their blood as ink."
- Paul Hancox
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a
pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You
know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At
least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to
say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
"need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know? "he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on
to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said,
"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me
straight in the face and said................
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20
years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of
Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces
in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from
military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno
State College. (Later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was
well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president
of the college.
He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were
changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate
degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered
sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a
doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him
keep his job by getting "only" a master's degree.
So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive
seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's
name. "Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be
using?" he asked.
"I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry
response
One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head
to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him
to stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes later he
comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in
yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit
irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can I
do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can
of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go
faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he
sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue,
making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy
decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're
the blue bastard of the asphalt. But just what the heck do you
want?"
"Driver's license and registration please."
A woman is suing McDonald�s claiming she found a fried
chicken head in her order of chicken wings. In response, a
spokesperson from McDonald�s said that was ridiculous, they
don�t put actual parts of chickens in their chicken wings."
- Conan O'Brien
"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when
he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad."
- Jack Handey
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in
time."
- Steven Wright
"I finally got an answering machine for my cell phone. The
message says 'Sorry I can't get to the phone, I'm at home
right now.'"
- Unknown
DOG RULES
1. The dog is not allowed in the house!
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in
certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the
furniture.
4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is
not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by
invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but NOT
under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers
with the dog.
Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in
New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it's time for lunch and they're
hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs.
The first immigrant says, "I can't believe it! They eat dogs in America."
The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, "Well, we're going to be
Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and eat like Americans."
They approach the vendor and bravely order two hotdogs.
The vendor hands them their meals in paper sacks. They find a park bench nearby where they
sit down to eat their first American meal. The first immigrant looks inside his sack.
Closing it quickly, he turns to his friend in shock.
"Uh, which part of the dog did YOU get?"
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