The Page O' Spears: Hymns & Haws

Hymns & Haws

Dentist's Hymn: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
Contractor's Hymn: "The Church's One Foundation"
Baker's Hymn: "I Need Thee Every Hour"
Weatherman's Hymn: "There Shall Be Showers of Blessing"
Optometrist's Hymn: "Open My Eyes That I May See"
Tailor's Hymn: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
IRS's Hymn: "All to Thee"
Shopper's Hymn: "By and By"
Golfer's Hymn: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
Politician's Hymn: "Standing on the Promises"
Gossiper's Hymn "Pass it on"
Electrician's Hymn "Send the Light"

Questions: (answers appear below)

Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible?
Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Where is smoking mentioned in the Bible?
Where is a car mentioned in the Bible?

Answers:

In the "big inning" (In the beginning... get it?)
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
When Rachel alighted off her camel.
In the book of Acts, when they were all together in one Accord.

Do you know what state is mentioned in the Bible? Arkansas [Noah looked out of the "ark and saw".] (Submitted via e-mail from David)

Real Answers Given on Bible Knowledge Tests:

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

Matthew was one of the opossums. (I guess this makes sense given the preceding one!)

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

Psalms, Hymns, and Spiritual Songs

One of my friend's favorite church songs as a kid was "Up from the Grave He Arose", except he thought the song was "Up from the Gravy He Arose." It wasn't until he learned to read that he found out that the song had nothing to do with mashed potatoes. I can just imagine what picture was going through his mind when he sang that song...

Another man tells of how he thought "Lead On, O King Eternal" was "Lead On, O Kinky Turtle."

In The Beginning

What time of the day was Adam created?
Just before "Eve".

Why did God make Adam before Eve?
Because He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. (We don't baptize babies for biblical reasons, but this must have been interesting!) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. (We don't celebrate Easter as a special day either, but here's another one I would have liked to seen.) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children

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