April 13, 1997
St Kilda
11:14pm
I often wonder about the nature of motivation. How motivation endures and carries some throughout their lifetime. How for some it lasts only a minute, needs constant renewal and is tenuous at best. I think for most people it is the latter. Most motivation for me is transient. Almost not even a motivation more of an urge. Internal motivations often fizz out like that for me. It is those external, societal motivations that carry much more weight. The motivation to work for a car, holiday or house, rather than for enjoyment or to earn only those monies neccessary for survival. I am prompted to action more often by external forces than by my own intrinsic regulatory processes.
My resolve is to change this. To incorporate a measure of motivation, more cheerful outlook and a general sense of energy into the things that I do in my day. I want to leave behind those wasted days in bed, wasted truant days from university, and the lethargic manner with which I approach anything.
No, I have not visited a motivational speaker, or read a Deepak Chopra (huck,huck, barf!) book. No, I just know that I've been drifting along for too long. No direction, no outlook, no ambition.
This morning I had a revelation. In the shower no less. I want things. To go overseas and travel, I want to have money enough to do the things I want to do, I want to get a job I will like, I want to finish university. Many more. I want to make this last, to keep it alive while I get going and make a start, and to keep it going to the end. I want to start something and finish it.
I have found this journal to be a useful way of "reporting" the events that go on. Useful because I can look over it and see changes I have made or look at areas where I need to make changes. By trying to write each day (or every second day) I can build up a sort of chronicle of days, sound out ideas, and make committments to myself. By re-reading my entries I am reminded of these commitments, and resolutions, and reminded of the urgency and inspiration of their initial recording.
I am going to make sure that Scott and I will have enough money saved by the end of 1988 to go overseas. I vow that we will be able to buy RTW tickets, and take off without a thought. This is the goal that I am working for. This is why we live in a little flat, drive a crappy car, and save more money than we spend. I won't settle for less.
I think that I am unbearable. I'm probably tired.
For My Listening Pleasure...
Roberta Flack
Chapter One and Chapter Two
(On LP not CD)
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