walking at my own pace.
Sunday
March 8, 1998
Balaclava
Sunday Evening. In another Lifetime.
When we part after spending time together I sometimes feel a wrenching "alone-ness". Yesterday, that feeling was like a deep and rumbling hunger. Almost as soon as I'd closed the door I felt like a caged lion. The need to not be alone was so urgent, so fierce. I got in the car, wishing Nancy was around, driving instead to see my Mum. She wasn't home - a good thing really because I didn't feel like explaining anything. So I drove home, settled, a little calmer.
I can't quantify how I feel for you. It is so strong. So scary. And bigger than I am. I don't know what to do with the emotion sometimes. Like now. I'm thinking about how much I love you and how much I love us, and I'm crying.
I can't help but think again of the loss, the passing of days and the, oh I don't know, the change in what it is. I'm sad because only for an hour or four or five can I love you, can I let it out to be free. And even then it is contained, fettered, controlled. Bound. Caught up.
I think I feel as you feel. When I'm with you I feel strong enough to continue, but when you're gone I falter. Feel unable. Feel broken. Doubt myself. Know that this isn't something I can do for myself. Have to factor the unkown into every step.
I can't let you go. I'm not ready to. I don't know how to walk away from you and that which we have, yet I feel as though I have no other choice.
Fucking typical isn't. The intensity of feeling is merely transmuted. Like matter - it is neither created yet destroyed. What was the most amazing joy, is now a searing mournful pain. Lodged deep in my heart.
I have lost my clarity.
Can you help me, please.
But now after I've written that, I feel different. Like I still can't show you all that there is, and by the same token, as though there is nothing more to show. Because something always lurks. Always keeps itself hidden, always a bright bud of emergent bliss, there to save me when I'm just about to make a complete arse of everything. See, I don't know what I am doing. I only know what I want. I want you. The frustration of restraint tears at my seams sometimes. But again I remember that it is only the pure bright light of love impatient to get out that's causing me so much trouble.
How can this huge, perfect, sparkling star be so much trouble? How can it allow me to feel as though I am ten feet tall, then teary and forlorn not so long after?
Perhaps I should give up questioning. Take my own, oft given, advice and simply say.......So Be It and keep on walking. Taking each day in my stride, feeling all there is to feel, and taking what comes when it comes. Exercising acceptance, and making the most of each and every minute. Maintain my clarity, remember my purpose, recall my resolve and walk foward, at my own pace.
Sorry. (again with the tears) What should be so simple, seems so hard sometimes. I love you. I love us. I miss you. But I can't wait to see you again. I hope you understand.
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