Shabbat Zachor...et ha Keseph

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I promise that this is not another one complaining about how annoyed I am with BA.

At Paduel, life was lazy, and we showed up to minyon (praying)...oh...once every two days... well, maybe more then that...but almost never for the morning. I figured though, that perhaps I should make sure to attend Shabbat Zachor. For those who don't know, on Shabbat Zachor we read about how the Amamlekites trashed us by attacking in us a dirty method. Shabbat Zachor means Shabbat Remember, cause you're supposed to remember the dirty trick they pulled. So, whereas you are supposed to here them read torah every time, you are really really supposed to hear it on Shabbat Zachor, the Saturday before Purim.

So, I told myself, in advance, to be sure to get up early, get to the synagogue on time, and be sure that you hear the Torah reading that day.

OK.

So, that morning, like all mornings, a Rabbi went around to tell people it as time to go. Instead of the general ignoring of it, I decided that I'd get up. I got up and noticed something strange. It was still dark out.

I looked up at the clock, and with much difficulty, made out the time. "Rabbi, why in God's name, are you waking us up at 4:30 in the morning?"

"It's, eh, Shabbat Zachor."

"OK. Rabbi, why in God's name, are you waking us up at 4:30 in the morning?" My roommate, who was an actual resident of the mechina, explained it to me.

(Background for those who don't know about Purim: Purim is the Jewish holiday for what we think of today as Epicureanism. You are supposed to have a huge feast, inviting all that you can, give food to all your friends, and to the poor. You are also supposed to literally get so wasted on wine that you can't tell the difference between the good guy and the bad guy of the story that is read. Really. Eat, drink, be merry.) In order to have the giant Seudat Purim (in this case, Purim feast) they need money, so what they do, is they auction off who wants to do which parts of the service. A portion would go to the party, and the larger part would go to charity. I was promised that it would be hilarious. Hilarious or not, it was 4:30...but, no, I told myself I would go, so I went.

It was pretty good. OK, they finished the first part of the service. The auctioning began. Now, you're not supposed to talk of money on Sabbath, so the first item on the block, the 'incredible privilege of opening the ark,' went for... hold on...six cases of beer. But this avoiding money thing died pretty quickly. I mean one guy offers a bottle of vodka, one guy offers a case of gin, then a bottle of champagne...what's more? Who knows. Money came into the picture. (one dollar = 3.5 Shekels.)

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OK, we now return...

The Cohen Alliya goes on the block...and I'm flabbergasted. I watch it go up and up. (There are basically eight alliyas.) Three hundred shekels...four hundred shekels... the "auctioneer," goes up to me, he's been making fun of everybody the whole time, to keep up the auctioning. He puts his arm around my shoulder and says in English, but so that everybody can hear. "So, nu? You want to give?"

"I'm not a Cohen."

"OK, but you will be a part? We come back to you later?" I was the only member of my group there who had actually shown up, everybody else were the normal people on this Mechina. I wanted to be a part of this... I thought about it...maybe 125...150 shekels, just to join in...

"Of course."

Cohen Alliya went for 600 Shekels.

Levi Alliya went for eight hundred shekels. Allow me to point out, that while an alliya is supposed to be an honorable award, it isn't that big a deal. It's not that big a deal. The person goes up, say a prayer, has the torah read to him, says another prayer, waits for the next alliyah to go through, then goes and sits down. An alliya is roughly like being called on in class to be a messenger for the teacher. It's a privilege, but everybody gets to do it. Allow me also to point out that I have no idea which banks were robbed to come up with this money. These are not rich people.

The third alliya went for...400 shekels, and a carton of orange juice. I thought the prices had peaked, and I might get one of the later ones.

The fourth alliya went for one thousand shekels.

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OK, we now return...

Now, see the problem is, as you're reading this, you see 1000, and you think, OK, well, it's not REALLY 1000 dollars, it's 1000\3.5. That's only around $275. Hey, that's not as much.

Allow me to point out that a guy just paid almost three hundred dollars to hear the torah red to him, which he would have inevitably gotten some other day. There are eleven alliyas past out on Saturday (three are in the afternoon), another three every Monday and Thursday. These things happen all the time. There aren't seventy-five people there, you would get one, without spending the money it would take to rent a car.

The fifth alliya went for 370 shekels, and a 'carton of juice.' This bothers me. The guy offered roughly 100 dollars. Now if it was a thousand dollars I know it would be a joke, but the fact that he was able to stop at only (good grief) 370 shekels told me it was serious.

The sixth one went for seven hundred. These kids are yeshiva students, going into the army the next year, where they MIGHT make something like 600 shekels a week, without food. That's if they're lucky. Now, maybe they are making, idunno, fifty shekels a week, for a couple of hours of guard duty. They are full time students, in the middle of nowhere.

The seventh alliya went for a good eighteen hundred shekels. I don't think the average Bar Mitzvah in this country has that kind of money going into it. At this rate, forget getting drunk on the wine, they could give each person a few ounces, and their own two hundred shekel bill to snort it up with.

Speaking of drugs, the maftir alliya went for eleven hundred fifty - and a case of Marlboros. You are technically supposed to have the Maftir (the final alliya) set in advance, but, you know, at this point, pshhh.

After this point, after the alliyas are done, you have the Hagbah and the gellilah, the first picks up the torah, and the second rolls it up, and wraps it. Suddenly, the auctioneer remembered me, and a guy at the Yeshiva went to discuss something it me. What you have to understand was that these auctions were alliances. A couple of guys would be going together to prevent another group from getting it. Friendly rivalry. The numbers are still obnoxiously high though. Eighteen hundred shekels, six guys...that's still a lot of dough, and five of them got nothing while the sixth got very little.

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OK, we now return...

Anyway...

"OK, how much do you have?" in broken English.

"��? �� . �� , ��." [Beshekalim? Lo harbeh. Matayim shekel, ulie.] (In Shekels? Not much, two hundred, maybe.)

"��, �� ?" [OK, az yesh lecha Sterling?] (OK, do you have Sterling? {Pounds}) I hate how everybody there thought I was British. I don't think I sound British...I don't act like these guys. God, I hope not, anyway.

"�� ! �� !" [Ani lo Briti! Ani Americaiyi!] (I am not British! I'm American!)

"��, �� ?" [Beseder, az cama dollarim lecha yesh?" (Fine so how many dollars do you have?)

"Uhm..."

"Do you have hundred dollars?"

"Of course, but..." I'm really going to spend this money on something as trite as this? I did say I would. Fine.

"Look, just say one hundred and fifty dollars. Then they'll outbid you."

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OK, we now return...

"OK." I put out the bid. First, everybody asked why I was paying in dollars, and not pounds. Then after they had annoyed me, something happened which I should have realized in advance.

That something being...well, nothing. Nothing happened. I was the guest. They wouldn't outbid me. I won by default-- they weren't going to challenge. To be nice. Lovely. The bidding went on. To wrap the Torah, that went for nine hundred in shekels.

Putting the torah back went for seven fifty, and four hundred was paid to daven mussaf. (If you don't know what that is, don't worry.)

So, I did the hagba job, still not believing I spent $150 on such a stupid thing. It was ridiculous.

That night I audited myself to see if I could really afford, paying it. I definitely had the money, but the question was whether I had enough to part with it. The results came back. Nope. I had set a limit before I started counting, if I had more than that amount I could afford this stupid expenditure.

Nope.

I couldn't afford it, it was that simple. I went to the Rabbi, and quietly explained to him a reason for my monetary problems, that if you know about, you know about, if you don't...now is not the place or time.

He was very understanding, and told me it would be ok. But it bothered me that I had renigged on the deal. I am not supposed to be the one that does that. I keep my word. It hurt not to do something I said I would. It's ot often I feel guilty about doing somethig that is right.

Whatever. I know that my pareents are going to write me back asking me then, why I didn't clean my room all those times that I said that I would.
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Michael Kadish

"How could you possibly know...It's the most hellish, chilling feeling in the world. I scream with every bone in my body to get out of it. My mind cries to get out of it. But I can't. Not now. One day I will though. I'll want you around on that day, friend. I'll need you on that day.'" - Chaim Potok, The Chosen
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