A virus spread by mail messages titled 'ILOVEUMNO' has caused havoc in Malaysia after crippling the brains of more than 2,000 people in Kuala Lumpur and threatening the intelligence of millions more in the country. The virus first appeared in the early days of May, causing thousands of people to flock to hotels in Kuala Lumpur expecting envelopes of cash to be slipped under the doors of their hotel rooms. Once users open these envelopes, they are immediately contaminated by the virus, which then causes them to be spineless sycophantic idiots who clap and cheer wildly at any puerile utterance from the UMNO leadership. The virus then spreads, causing victims to be transformed into lifeless zombies mumbling "I Love UMNO kini, sekarang dan selamanya" repeatedly for years on end. The virus spreads even more rapidly in enclosed areas such as the Putra World Trade Centre.

"ILOVEUMNO': A brain-damaging virus

A more vicious hybrid of the virus, the 'ILOVEMAHATHIR' virus, can completely destroy every shred of a person's free will, integrity, self-respect and independent thought, causing victims to fall to their knees in servile, humiliating homage to Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad. Users are advised to protect themselves from the devastating virus by deleting from their minds any text that contain the word 'UMNO' or 'MAHATHIR'.

Thousands crippled by the virus at PWTC

UMNO committed to upholding democracy

'Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah': Mahathir greets Tengku Razaleigh, on being re-elected UMNO President

The UMNO Elections this month clearly demonstrated UMNO's commitment to upholding democracy when the president, deputy president and youth chief of the movement were all re-elected unopposed. "This demonstrates that democracy is alive and strong in UMNO," said an UMNO delegate who refused to be named. "In fact, we have made democracy simpler to use - we give people the choice of only one person to vote for, so they dont have to make any difficult choices." Another delegate who refused to be named added that the next General Assembly should probably dispense with all the time-wasting caused by elections and just declare Mahathir president for life, Abdullah Badawi deputy president for life and Hishammuddin Youth head for life. "That way, we can have more time during the Assembly to make droning speeches worshipping, idolizing and praising the party leadership."

Many of the motions tabled at the General Assembly by the delegates also reflected UMNO's strong stand on democracy. Among these were motions to fire civil servants who did not support UMNO; ban opposition newspapers; ban opposition parties; stop scholarships of students who did not support UMNO; recruit only civil servants who supported UMNO and award government projects and contracts only to UMNO supporters. "UMNO is clearly becoming more liberal, tolerant and open to criticism," the delegate mused. 'Frankly, I personally think all these Opposition trouble-makers should be blindfolded, handcuffed and beaten to a pulp by our Chief of Police. But that is not in our culture.'