MONTY PYTHON'S
THE MEANING OF LIFE
FILM SCRIPT
Monty Python's
The Meaning of Life
The Cast: (in order of appearance)
FISH #1 Graham Chapman
FISH #2 John Cleese
FISH #3 Eric Idle
FISH #4 Terry Gilliam
FISH #5 Michael Palin
FISH #6 Terry Jones
BALD MAN George Silver
SINGER Eric Idle
MRS. MOORE Valerie Whittington
DOCTOR SPENSER John Cleese
OBSTETRICIAN Graham Chapman
NURSE #1 Judy Loe
NURSE #2 Imogen Bickford Smith
MR. MOORE Eric Idle
MR. PYCROFT Michael Palin
DAD Michael Palin
MUM Terry Jones
BRIDE Jennifer Franks
PRIEST Terry Jones
GROOM Andrew Maclachlan
MR. HARRY BLACKITT Graham Chapman
MRS. BLACKITT Eric Idle
NARRATOR #1 Michael Palin
HUMPHREY WILLIAMS John Cleese
CHAPLAIN Michael Palin
WATSON Eric Idle
CARTER Michael Palin
WYMER Graham Chapman
BIGGS Terry Jones
HELEN WILLIAMS Patricia Quinn
STURRIDGE John Cleese
SPADGER Michael Palin
BLACKITT Eric Idle
WALTERS Terry Gilliam
HORDERN Graham Chapman
GENERAL Graham Chapman
SERGEANT MAJOR Michael Palin
COLES Graham Chapman
ATKINSON Eric Idle
WYCLIF Andrew Maclachlan
NARRATOR #2 Graham Chapman
AINSWORTH John Cleese
PAKENHAM-WALSH Michael Palin
FIRST LIEUTENANT CHADWICK Simon Jones
PERKINS Eric Idle
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE Graham Chapman
SERGEANT Terry Jones
VICTIM #2 Andrew Maclachlan
POTTER'S HEAD Mark Holmes
VICTIM #3 Eric Idle
FRONT END Eric Idle
REAR END Michael Palin
ZULU ANNOUNCER Terry Gilliam
LADY PRESENTER Michael Palin
STRANGE MAN Terry Jones
STRANGE WOMAN Graham Chapman
TROLL Mark Holmes
MRS. HENDY Eric Idle
MR. MARVIN HENDY Michael Palin
M'LADY JOELINE Terry Gilliam
WAITER John Cleese
MR. BROWN Terry Gilliam
ERIC Graham Chapman
MAN John Cleese
MRS. BROWN Terry Jones
YOUNG MAN Peter Lovstrom
MAN IN PINK Eric Idle
CHAIRMAN Graham Chapman
HARRY Michael Palin
BERT Terry Jones
GUNTHER Eric Idle
NO�L COWARD Eric Idle
MA�TRE D John Cleese
MAX'S WIFE Angela Mann
MAX Mark Holmes
GUEST #2 Andrew Maclachlan
MR. CREOSOTE Terry Jones
GASTON Eric Idle
GUEST #4 Graham Chapman
GUEST #4'S WIFE Carol Cleveland
MARIA Terry Jones
GOVERNOR Michael Palin
PADRE Michael Palin
ARTHUR JARRETT Graham Chapman
LEAF #1 Terry Jones
GRIM REAPER John Cleese
GEOFFREY Graham Chapman
ANGELA Eric Idle
DEBBIE KATZENBERG Michael Palin
HOWARD KATZENBERG Terry Gilliam
FIONA PORTLAND-SMYTHE Terry Jones
JEREMY PORTLAND-SMYTHE Simon Jones
RECEPTIONIST Carol Cleveland
TONY BENNETT Graham Chapman
Introduction
[gurgling]
FISH #1: Morning.
FISH #2: Morning.
FISH #3: Morning.
FISH #2: Morning.
FISH #1: Morning.
FISH #3: Morning.
FISH #2: Morning.
FISH #4: Morning.
FISH #1: Morning.
FISH #3: What's new?
FISH #1: Not much.
FISH #6: Morning.
FISH #5: Morning.
FISH #4: Hello.
FISH #2: Morning.
FISH #1: Morning.
FISH #3: Morning.
FISH #5: Morning.
FISH #3: Morning.
FISH #4: Morning.
FISH #2: Morning.
FISH #1: Frank was just asking 'what's new?'.
FISH #6: Was he?
FISH #1: Yeah,... mhmm.
FISH #3: Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.
FISH #2: Is he? Makes you think, doesn't it?
FISH #6: Mmm.
FISH #3: I mean, what's it all about?
FISH #6: Beats me.
Cartoon
[music]
SINGER: [singing]
Why are we here? What's life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out,
For, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'.
What's the point of all this hoax?
Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks?
Or, perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes.
Well, �a c'est le 'Meaning of Life'.
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say,
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.
In this 'life', what is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?
Well, tonight, here's 'The Meaning of Life'.
For millions, this 'life' is a sad vale of tears,
Sitting 'round with rien nothing to say
While the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.
So, just why-- why are we here,
And just what-- what-- what-- what do we fear?
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie.
This is 'The Meaning of Life'.
Part I: The Miracle of Birth
ANNOUNCER: Part One: The Miracle of Birth.
[clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk]
OBSTETRICIAN: One thousand and eight!
NURSE #1: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!
OBSTETRICIAN: Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.
NURSE #1: Right.
[exciting music]
OBSTETRICIAN: Thum, thummm, thummm, thum, thummmm, thummmmmm. Thum, thummm. Thummm. Jolly good.
[music stops]
DOCTOR SPENSER: Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum--
OBSTETRICIAN: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?
DOCTOR SPENSER: Yes.
OBSTETRICIAN: Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G.,
the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.
NURSE #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor.
DOCTOR SPENSER: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.
OBSTETRICIAN: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.
[clunk]
[exciting music]
That's it. Bring in the other machines. Right over here.
DOCTOR SPENSER: [whistling]
OBSTETRICIAN: That's it. Just behind me.
[music stops]
Lovely. Lovely. Jolly good. That's better. That's much, much better.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Yeahhh, that's more like it.
OBSTETRICIAN: Eehhh. Still something missing, though.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Hm?
OBSTETRICIAN: Hmmm. Mmmmm.
[snap]
OBSTETRICIAN and DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient!
OBSTETRICIAN: Yes.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Where's the patient?
OBSTETRICIAN: Anyone seen the patient?
DOCTOR SPENSER: Patient?
NURSE #1: Aah! Here she is.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Bring it over here.
[clank]
Mind the machines!
NURSE #1: Sorry, Doctor Spenser.
OBSTETRICIAN: Come along!
DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.
NURSE #1: Jump up there. Up!
MRS. MOORE: Ehh.
OBSTETRICIAN: Hallo. Now, don't you worry.
DOCTOR SPENSER: We'll soon have you cured.
OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Good-bye!
OBSTETRICIAN: Good-bye.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Drips up!
OBSTETRICIAN: Injections!
DOCTOR SPENSER: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
OBSTETRICIAN: Only if I can do the epesiotomy.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Okay.
OBSTETRICIAN: Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Come along.
OBSTETRICIAN: Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?
MR. MOORE: I'm the husband.
OBSTETRICIAN: I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.
MRS. MOORE: What do I do?
DOCTOR SPENSER: Mhm. Yes?
MRS. MOORE: What do I do?
DOCTOR SPENSER: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!
OBSTETRICIAN: Leave it to us!
MRS. MOORE: What's that for?
OBSTETRICIAN: That's the machine that goes 'ping'.
[ping]
You see? That means your baby is still alive!
DOCTOR SPENSER: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!
OBSTETRICIAN: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Aren't you lucky?!
NURSE #2: The administrator is here, doctor.
OBSTETRICIAN: Switch everything on!
[exciting music]
[ping]
MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.
RANDOM: Morning.
MR. PYCROFT: Morning, gentlemen.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning!
OBSTETRICIAN: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
MR. PYCROFT: Oh, very impressive. Very impressive. And what are you doing this morning?
[music stops]
OBSTETRICIAN: It's a birth.
MR. PYCROFT: Aahh. What sort of thing is that?
DOCTOR SPENSER: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
MR. PYCROFT: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.
[ping]
Aah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to, and that way, it
comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.
[applause]
Thank you. Thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
NURSE #1: Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.
OBSTETRICIAN: Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five-- Six centimetres.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Lights!
OBSTETRICIAN: Amplify the 'ping' machine.
[ping]
DOCTOR SPENSER: Masks up!
OBSTETRICIAN: Suction!
DOCTOR SPENSER: Eyes down for a full house!
OBSTETRICIAN: Here it comes!
BABY: [crying]
OBSTETRICIAN: And... frighten it! Thank you.
[whock]
DOCTOR SPENSER: And the rough towels!
OBSTETRICIAN: Show it to the mother. That's enough.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Right! Sedate her!
OBSTETRICIAN: Number the child.
DOCTOR SPENSER: Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!
[whump]
NURSE #1: Okay.
[clap clap]
Show's over.
OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.
RANDOM: [mumbling] ...everyone.
OBSTETRICIAN: Jolly good.
MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?
OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some
time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth
when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super Eight.
[ping]
The Miracle of Birth: Part 2: The Third World
ANNOUNCER: The Miracle of Birth: Part Two: The Third World.
[sombre music]
[bark bark bark bark bark bark]
[quack quack]
[quack quack quack quack quack quack]
DAD: Oh, bloody hell.
[quack quack quack]
[fwump]
BABY: [crying]
MUM: Ohh, get that, would you, Deirdre?
DIERDRE: All right, Mum.
BABY: [crying]
[bark bark bark bark bark bark bark]
CHILDREN: [talking]
MUM: Now, whose teatime is it?
CHILDREN: Mine!
MUM: Come on, now. Out you go. Now, uh, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice,
Dominique, and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
CHILDREN: Aww, Mum!
MUM: Now, don't argue! Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda,--
DAD: Wait! I've got something to tell the whole family.
MUM: Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.
CHILDREN: What could it be? Shhh...
DAD: The mill's closed! There's no more work. We're destitute.
CHILDREN: [talking]
DAD: Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.
CHILDREN: [whining]
DAD: No, no. That's the way it is, my loves. Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some
wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
BOY: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
DAD: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy.
MUM: Ehhh, he's right.
DAD: You see, we believe--
[piano music]
Well, let me put it like this. [singing]
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.
[music]
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
GIRL: [singing]
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.
CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
MUM: [singing]
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
MEN: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
[clunk]
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN: [singing]
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN: [singing]
...God gets quite irate.
PRIEST: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM: [singing]
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES: [singing]
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS: [singing]
...In your neighbourhood!
CHILDREN: [singing]
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE: [singing]
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1: Mine!
MOURNER #2: And mine!
CORPSE: And mine!
NUN: [singing]
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES: [singing]
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
EVERYONE: [singing]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!
DAD: So, you see my problem, little ones: I can't keep you all here any longer.
GIRL: Speak up!
DAD: I can't keep you all here any longer! God has blessed us so much, I can't afford to feed you anymore.
NIGEL: Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
DAD: Hohh, it's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all! He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.
GIRL: You could have had them pulled off in an accident.
CHILDREN: [talking]
DAD: No. No, children. I know you're trying to help, but, believe me,...
CHILDREN: Ohh...
DAD: ...me mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.
CHILDREN: Ohh. Oh. Oh...
CHILDREN: [singing mournfully]
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,...
MR. HARRY BLACKITT: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.
MRS. BLACKITT: What are we dear?
MR. BLACKITT: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.
MRS. BLACKITT: Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?
MR. BLACKITT: Because... every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.
MRS. BLACKITT: But it's the same with us, Harry.
MR. BLACKITT: What do you mean?
MRS. BLACKITT: Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.
MR. BLACKITT: That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.
MRS. BLACKITT: Really?
MR. BLACKITT: Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.
MRS. BLACKITT: What, you mean... lock the door?
MR. BLACKITT: No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of
the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.
MRS. BLACKITT: What d'you mean?
MR. BLACKITT: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you,...
MRS. BLACKITT: Oh, yes, Harry.
MR. BLACKITT: ...and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure... that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.
MRS. BLACKITT: Ooh!
MR. BLACKITT: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the
individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he
may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my
John Thomas,... [sniff] ...and, Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom! Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
MRS. BLACKITT: You what?
MR. BLACKITT: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of
sexual congress.
MRS. BLACKITT: Have you got one?
MR. BLACKITT: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a
loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'
MRS. BLACKITT: Well, why don't you?
MR. BLACKITT: But they-- Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien
episcopal supremacy.
NARRATOR #1: But, despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.
Part II: Growth and Learning
ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Two: Growth and Learning.
HUMPHREY WILLIAMS: ...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh
Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house
of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.
CHAPLAIN: Let us praise God. O Lord,...
CONGREGATION: O Lord,...
CHAPLAIN: ...ooh, You are so big,...
CONGREGATION: ...ooh, You are so big,...
CHAPLAIN: ...so absolutely huge.
CONGREGATION: ...so absolutely huge.
CHAPLAIN: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
CONGREGATION: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
CHAPLAIN: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
CONGREGATION: And barefaced flattery.
CHAPLAIN: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
CONGREGATION: Fantastic.
HUMPHREY: Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
HUMPHREY: Now, two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not
play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to
commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China
British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain.
[organ music]
CHAPLAIN and CONGREGATION: [singing]
O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.
[scribble scribble scribble]
[ding]
[ding ding]
[ding ding]
CARTER: He's coming!
PUPILS: [yelling]
HUMPHREY: All right, settle down. Settle down.
[clunk]
Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately
after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as
the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your
clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now,--
WYMER: Sir?
HUMPHREY: Yes, Wymer?
WYMER: My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.
PUPILS: [chuckling]
WYMER: So, do I move my clothes down, or--
HUMPHREY: I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down
to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest,
move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where
were we? [sniff] Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? [sniff]
PUPILS: Umm. Mmmm.
[silence]
BIGGS: Nnnno, sir.
WATSON: No, sir.
BIGGS: No, sir.
WATSON: No.
PUPILS: No...
WATSON: No.
HUMPHREY: Well, had I done foreplay?
[silence]
PUPILS: Mmmm. Yeah. Yeah...
WATSON: Yes.
BIGGS: Yes, sir.
WATSON: Yes, sir.
HUMPHREY: Ahh, well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is,... Biggs.
BIGGS: Uhm-- Don't know. Sorry, sir.
HUMPHREY: Carter.
CARTER: Ah. Uhh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
HUMPHREY: Well, and-- and after that?
WYMER: Ooh. Putting them on the lower peg, sir?
PUPILS: [chuckling]
[whop]
HUMPHREY: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
WATSON: Could we have a window open, please, sir?
HUMPHREY: Yes. Harris, will you? And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and har... den! [sniff] Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?
Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth! I know it's Friday after-- Oh, watching the football, are you boy? Right! Move over there. I'm warning you! I may
decide to set an exam this term.
WATSON: Oh, sir.
BIGGS: Oh, sir.
PUPILS: Oh, sir...
HUMPHREY: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?
PUPILS: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
HUMPHREY: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
WATSON: R-- rubbing the clitoris, sir?
HUMPHREY: What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a
bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
WYMER: Suck the nipple, sir?
HUMPHREY: Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.
DUCKWORTH: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
PUPIL IN FRONT: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we
stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
WATSON: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
HUMPHREY: Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place,...
[clunk clunk]
[clunk]
[clunk clunk]
[clunk clunk]
[twong]
...and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along. Helen! Now, penetration and coitus-- That is to say,
intercourse up to, and including, orgasm. Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter!
CARTER: Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
HELEN WILLIAMS: Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight.
HUMPHREY: Yes. Yes, well, I suppose we must.
HELEN: And I said we'd be there by eight.
HUMPHREY: Well, at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.
HELEN: Well, I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse.
HUMPHREY: Well, it's just that I felt n-- Wymer! This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? I've no intention of going through this all again.
WYMER: Ahhh.
HUMPHREY: Uhh, we'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.
HELEN: No, of course not, Humphrey.
HUMPHREY: So, the man starts by entering-- or mounting-- his good lady wife in the standard way. Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or
less, fully erect. There we are. Ah, that's better. Now,-- Carter.
CARTER: Yes, sir?
HUMPHREY: What is it?
CARTER: It's an ocarina, sir.
HUMPHREY: Bring it up here. The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area, moving the penis up and down inside the vagina,
so-- Put it there, boy. Put it there on the table.
[clunk]
While the wife maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis by pushing forward,-- Thank you, dear. Now, as sexual...
BIGGS: [chuckling]
HUMPHREY: ...excitement mounts, uh,-- What's funny, Biggs?
BIGGS: Uh,-- Oh, nothing, sir.
HUMPHREY: Oh, do please share your little joke with the rest of us. I mean, obviously something frightfully funny's going on.
PUPIL: [chuckle]
BIGGS: No. Honestly, sir.
HUMPHREY: Well, as it's so funny, I think you'd better be selected to play for the boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon!
[morbid music]
BIGGS: Oh, no, sir.
[whistle]
[kick]
CROWD: [cheering]
[whistle whistle]
[applause]
BOY: Ohh! Aaaahh!
HUMPHREY: Well done. Okay.
BOYS: Ohh! Uuhh!
CROWD: [cheering]
BOYS: Uuhh! Aw. Uy! Ahh...
[whistle whistle whistle whistle]
Ooh! Uuhh! Stop him.
[whistle]
CROWD: [cheering]
[boom boom boom...]
Part III: Fighting Each Other
ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Three: Fighting Each Other.
[boom]
SOLDIERS: Hh. Uhh. Look out.
[boom]
Uhh. Ahh.
BIGGS: Okay. Blackitt, Sturridge, and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. Hordern, Spadger, and I...
[pweeng]
...will go for the gunpost.
SPADGER: Right, sir.
BLACKITT: Oh, hang on a tick, sir.
SPADGER: Yeah.
BLACKITT: You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you.
BIGGS: Do as you're told, man.
BLACKITT: Right-o, skipper.
[boom]
Oh, sir. Sir,... i-- if we-- we don't meet again, sir, I'd just like to say it's been a-- it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
BIGGS: Yes, well,...
SPADGER: Yeah.
BIGGS: ...I think this is...
[boom]
...hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? Hah.
BLACKITT: No. No, me and the lads realise this, sir, but, well,...
BIGGS: Ehh.
BLACKITT: ...we may never meet again, sir, so,... I--
BIGGS: Yes, all-- all-- all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.
BLACKITT: No, eh, just a moment, sir.
SPADGER: Duck.
BLACKITT: You see,...
[boom]
...me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around, sir.
[boom]
We bought you something, sir.
SPADGER: Ahh.
BLACKITT: We bought you this, sir.
[clink clank clink]
SPADGER: Ah. Hhh.
BIGGS: Oh. Well, i-- I don't know what to say.
[boom]
It's a-- it's-- it's a lovely thought.
[boom]
Thank you. Uh, thank you all,...
[boom]
SPADGER: All right, sir.
BIGGS: ...but--
WALTERS: You're welcome.
[pweeeeeng]
BIGGS: But I-- I-- I-- I think we'd better get to cover now.
[boom]
BLACKITT: Hang on a tick, sir. We got something else for you as well, sir.
SPADGER: Aah.
BLACKITT: Uh.
SOLDIERS: Ah. Ah. Ehh...
[ding]
BLACKITT: Sorry it's another clock, sir,...
[boom]
...only there was a bit of a mix-up. Well, Walters thought he was buying the present, and Spadger and I had already got the other one.
BIGGS: Well, it's-- it's beautiful.
[zimm zimm zimm]
They're both beautiful.
[zimm zimm zimm]
[ding]
WALTERS: Aah!
[boom]
BIGGS: I-- I think we'd better get to cover now,...
BLACKITT: Oh, sir, and Corp--
BIGGS: ...and I'll thank you properly later on.
SPADGER: Uhh. Ehh.
BLACKITT: Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know about the others, sir. It's Swiss.
BIGGS: Oh, well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man.
[boom]
BLACKITT: And there's a card, sir,... from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir.
[boom]
BIGGS: Thank you all.
BLACKITT: Squad,...
[boom]
...three cheers for Captain Biggs. Hip hip--
[boom]
SOLDIERS: Hooray!
BLACKITT: Hip hip--
SOLDIERS: Hooray!
BLACKITT: Hip hip--
[boom]
Oooooh!
SOLDIERS: Hooray!
BIGGS: Blackitt! Blackitt!
BLACKITT: I-- I'll be all right, sir. Oh, there's just... one other thing, sir. Spadge, give him the cheque.
SPADGER: Oh, yeah. Uhh.
BIGGS: Oh, now, this is really going too far.
SPADGER: Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. Uhh, it'll be in-- be in Number Four Trench. I'll go and get it.
BIGGS: For Christ's sake, forget it, man!
[boom]
SPADGER: You shouldn't have said that, sir.
[boom]
You've hurt his feelings now.
BLACKITT: Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs is all the same. One minute it's all 'please' and 'thank you', and the next, they'll kick you in the teeth!
STURRIDGE: Yeah.
BLACKITT: [cough]
WALTERS: Let's not give him the cake.
BIGGS: I don't want any cake.
SPADGER: Look. Blackitt cooked it specially for you, you bastard!
STURRIDGE: Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks, sir.
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