BIGGS: Sorry. I didn't mean to be ungrateful.
SPADGER: Yeah.
BLACKITT: I'll be all right.
[boom]
Ahh!
SPADGER: Blackitt! Blackie! Look at him. He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known.
[boom]
Some nights it was so cold, we could hardly move, but Blackie'd be out there slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds.
[boom]
I mean, you try trying to get butter to melt at fifteen degrees below zero! There's love in that cake. This man's love... and this man's care... and this m--
[boom]
Aghh!
BIGGS: Oh, my Christ!
STURRIDGE: You bastard.
BIGGS: All right!
[boom]
We will eat the cake!
[music]
They're right. It's--
[pweeeeeng]
It's too good a cake not to eat! Get the... plates and knives, Walters.
WALTERS: Yes, sir. How many plates?
BIGGS: Six.
WALTERS: Fine.
[boom]
Aahh!
BIGGS: Uh.
WALTERS: Agh.
BIGGS: Oh. Better make it five.
STURRIDGE: Tablecloth, sir?
BIGGS: Yes, get the tablecloth.
[boom]
STURRIDGE: Aaghh! Uh.
BIGGS: No, no, no, no. I'll--
[boom]
I'll get the tablecloth and you'd better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.
[boom]
HORDERN: Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sir?
BIGGS: Yes!
HORDERN: Right-o.
BIGGS: All right, while you're at it, you'd better get a doily!
HORDERN: I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets scrumpled.
BIGGS: Okay! Eh.
[boom boom boom]
GENERAL: Well, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right. Stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the Military, but, when one considers the meaning of life,
it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself, and without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive
ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could, quite simply, disappear. That is why we'll always need an army, and may God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
[zifff boom]
SERGEANT MAJOR: Don't stand there gawping like you've never seen the Hand of God before! Now, today, we're going to do marching up and down
the square! That is, unless any of you got anything better to do. Well?! Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than marching up and down the
square?! Yes?! Atkinson. What would you... rather be doing, Atkinson?
ATKINSON: Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd... rather be at home with the wife and kids.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Would you, now?!
ATKINSON: Yes, Sarge.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Right! Off you go! Now, everybody else happy with my little plan... of marching up and down the square a bit?
COLES: Sarge!
SERGEANT MAJOR: Yes?!
COLES: I've got a book I'd quite like to read.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Right! You go read your book, then! Now! Everybody else... quite content to join in... with my little scheme of marching up and
down the square?!
WYCLIF: Sarge?
SERGEANT MAJOR: Yes, Wyclif?! What is it?!
WYCLIF: Well, I'm, uh, learning the piano.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Learning the piano?!
WYCLIF: Yes, Sarge.
SERGEANT MAJOR: And I suppose you want to go and practise, eh? Marching up and down the square not good enough for you, eh?!
WYCLIF: Well,--
SERGEANT MAJOR: Right! Off you go!
WYCLIF: Oh.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Now! What about the rest of you? Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.
SQUAD: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right.
SERGEANT MAJOR: All right! Off you go!
SQUAD: Oh. Ooh. Great. That's great. What a day. I want to see the Merle Oberon picture. Eh hehheh.
SERGEANT MAJOR: Bloody army! I don't know what it's coming to. Right! Sergeant Major, marching up and down the square. Left, right, left.
Left...
NARRATOR #1: Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army...
SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish!
NARRATOR #1: Shh! ...And have stamped its triumph throughout history, in the furthest-flung corners of the Empire,...
[mayhem]
...but, no matter where or when there was fighting to be done,...
[patriotic music]
...it has always been the calm leadership of the Officer class that has made the British Army what it is.
[whoosh]
[crash]
[music stops]
AINSWORTH: 'Scuse me.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Morning, Ainsworth.
AINSWORTH: Morning, Pakenham.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Sleep well?
AINSWORTH: Not bad. Bit to shreds, though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Savage little blighters, aren't they?
[clink]
FIRST LIEUTENANT CHADWICK: Excuse me, sir.
AINSWORTH: Yes, Chadwick?
CHADWICK: I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.
AINSWORTH: Well, so did we. Huh.
CHADWICK: Yes, but I do think doctor ought to see him.
AINSWORTH: Well, go and fetch him, then.
CHADWICK: Right you are, sir.
AINSWORTH: Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes, I suppose so.
AINSWORTH: Careful!
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Come on, boy.
[mayhem]
AINSWORTH: Ah! Morning, Perkins.
PERKINS: Morning, sir.
AINSWORTH: What's, uh,-- what's all the trouble, then?
PERKINS: Bitten, sir. During the night.
AINSWORTH: Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?
PERKINS: Yes.
AINSWORTH: How does it feel?
PERKINS: Stings a bit.
AINSWORTH: Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? That's, uh,... quite a bite you've got there, you know.
PERKINS: Yes, a... real beauty, isn't it?
AINSWORTH: Any idea how it happened?
PERKINS: None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
AINSWORTH: Hmm. Well, we've sent for the doctor.
PERKINS: Ohh, hardly worth it, isn't it?
AINSWORTH: Oh, yes. Better safe than sorry.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
AINSWORTH: By jove, that's enormous!
PAKENHAM-WALSH: You don't think it'll come back, do you?
AINSWORTH: For more, you mean?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes.
AINSWORTH: You're right. We'd better get this stitched.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Right.
AINSWORTH: Ah, hello, doc.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Morning! I came as fast as I could. Is, uhh,-- is something up?
AINSWORTH: Yes. Uh, during the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. Mm?
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ahh. Been in the wars, have we?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Mhm.
PERKINS: Yes.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ehh. Any headache? Bowels all right? Mm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
PERKINS: Oh, good.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Yes, there's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Uh, keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try
and favour the other leg.
PERKINS: Oh.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Mhm.
PERKINS: Right-o.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Be as right as rain in a couple of days.
PERKINS: Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, doc.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about?
PERKINS: No, I'm fine.
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Jolly good. Well, must be off. M-hmm.
PERKINS: So, it'll, ehh,-- it'll just grow back again, then, will it?
DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Uhh,... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's, um,-- it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think,-- And this is no
more than an educated guess. I'd like to make that clear. ...Is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven foot long,
and of the genus Felis Horribilis: what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.
PERKINS, PAKENHAM-WALSH, and AINSWORTH: A tiger?!
EVERYONE: A tiger?!
[mayhem]
PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger... in Africa?
AINSWORTH: Hm?
PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger in Africa?!
AINSWORTH: W-- Ah, well, it, uh,-- it has probably escaped from a zoo. Mhm.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Doesn't sound very likely to me.
AINSWORTH: Stumm. Stumm. Stumm.
SERGEANT: Sir!
AINSWORTH: Stumm.
SERGEANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! The attack's over, sir! The Zulus are retreating!
AINSWORTH: Oh, jolly good. Mhm.
SERGEANT: Quite a lot of casualties, though, sir.
AINSWORTH: M-hmm.
SERGEANT: 'C' Division wiped out.
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: Signals gone.
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: Thirty men killed in 'F' Section.
AINSWORTH: Yes. I see. Mm.
SERGEANT: I should think about a hundred-- hundred and fifty men altogether, sir.
AINSWORTH: Jolly good. [sniff]
SERGEANT: I haven't got the final figures, sir, but there's a lot of seriously...
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: ...wounded in the compound.
AINSWORTH: Yes. Well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the officers has lost a leg.
SERGEANT: Oh, no, sir!
AINSWORTH: I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
SERGEANT: In Africa?
AINSWORTH: Stumm.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: [mumble]
AINSWORTH: Stumm. Stumm. Stumm. The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.
SERGEANT: Right, sir! I'll organise a party... right away, sir.
AINSWORTH: Well, it's hardly the time for that, is it Sergeant?
SERGEANT: Look. A-- a search party.
AINSWORTH: Oh! Oh! Ah! Ahh! Much better idea! Mhmm.
VICTIMS: [moaning]
SERGEANT: Oh, sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back.
VICTIM #1: We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
AINSWORTH: Yes.
SERGEANT: Here, we've got a search party. Leave that alone.
VICTIM #2: This is fun, sir, isn't it? All this killing, bloodshed-- Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
RANDOM: [cough]
AINSWORTH: Yes. Very good.
POTTER'S HEAD: Morning, sir!
RANDOM: Agh.
AINSWORTH: Nasty wound you've got there, Potter.
POTTER'S HEAD: Thank you very much, sir!
RANDOM: Aghh.
RANDOM: Aahh.
AINSWORTH: Come on, Private. We're making up a search party.
VICTIM #3: Better than staying at home, isn't this, sir? Eh? I mean, at home, if you kill someone, they arrest you. Here, they give you a gun and show
you what to do, sir.
RANDOM: Ooh.
VICTIM #3: I mean, I killed fifteen of those buggers, sir. Now, at home, they'd hang me! Here, they'll give me a fucking medal, sir!
[jungle sounds]
AINSWORTH: Hah, mhm mhm mhm.
SERGEANT: Sorry, sir.
PAKENHAM-WALSH: Thank you, Sergeant Major.
CHADWICK: Mm hm.
AINSWORTH: Look! My God, it's huge!
[growl]
[bang bang bang...]
[rewwr]
REAR END: Uhh. Uh, don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. W-- Uhh, we were jus-- s-- st, um,--
AINSWORTH: Why are you dressed as a tiger?
REAR END: Hm? Oh, 'why'! 'Why'! 'Why'! Haahh, isn't it a lovely day today?
AINSWORTH: Answer the question.
REAR END: Oh, we were just, um,--
FRONT END: Well, uhh, actually, we're-- we're dressed like this because, uh,-- Oh. No, that's not it.
REAR END: Uh, we did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits, you know. Simple as that. Hm.
FRONT END: Nothing more to it. Hah.
REAR END: Ha ha.
FRONT END: Well, actually, we're on a mission for British Intelligence. Th-- th-- there's a pro-Tsarist Ashanti Chief, uh,--
REAR END: No, no. No. No, no.
FRONT END: Uh, no. No, no, no. No. No. No.
REAR END: No. No, no, no, no. No. No, we're doing it for an advertisement.
FRONT END: Ah, that's it.
REAR END: Mhm.
FRONT END: Uhh, forget about the Russians.
REAR END: Mhm.
FRONT END: Uh, we're-- we're doing an advert for 'Tiger' brand coffee.
REAR END: 'Tiger' brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat. Mm.
AINSWORTH: Now look.
REAR END: All right. All right. We are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in eighteen-thirty-nine, and this is the fiftieth anniversary.
FRONT END: No. We're doing it for a bet.
REAR END: God told us to do it.
FRONT END: To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
REAR END: [grimacing]
FRONT END: We are-- we are inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old, used cereal packets.
REAR END: Mhm.
PERKINS: It doesn't matter!
AINSWORTH: What?
PERKINS: It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
AINSWORTH: Good thinking! Well, have you?
REAR END: Actually,...
AINSWORTH: Yes?
REAR END: ...it's because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we want to get the feel of it from the animal's point of view.
AINSWORTH: Be quiet. Now look. We're just asking you if you've got this man's leg.
FRONT END: A wooden leg?
AINSWORTH: No, no. A proper leg! Look. He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it.
FRONT END: Without waking him up?
AINSWORTH: Yes.
FRONT END: I don't believe you.
REAR END: We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. The owner wanted it taken down to Dar Es Salaam--
AINSWORTH: Shut up! Now look. Have you or have you not got his leg?
REAR END: Yes.
FRONT END: No.
REAR END: No.
FRONT END: No, no, no.
REAR END: No. No, no, no.
FRONT END: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
REAR END: No, no, no. No. No. No. No.
AINSWORTH: Why did you say 'yes'?
FRONT END: I didn't.
AINSWORTH: I'm not talking to you.
REAR END: Uum. Uum. Hmmhh.
AINSWORTH: Right! Search the thicket.
FRONT END: Oh, come on. I mean, do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night, steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them,
tissue-type them, amputate a leg, and run away with it?
AINSWORTH: Search the thicket.
FRONT END: Oh, 'leg'! You're looking for a leg! Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere. Uhh, somebody must have abandoned it here,
knowing you were coming after it, and we stumbled across it, actually, and wondered what it was, and they'll be miles away by now,...
[thock]
...and I expect we'll have to take all of the blame.
REAR END: Hmhm. As usual.
ZULU ANNOUNCER: Hello. Good evening, and welcome to 'The Middle of the Film'.
The Middle of the Film
[music]
LADY PRESENTER: Hello, and welcome to 'The Middle of the Film', the moment where we take a break to invite you, the audience, to join us, the
film-makers, in 'Find the Fish'. We're going to show you a scene from another film and ask you to guess where the fish is, but, if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves! Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. So, here we are with... 'Find the Fish'.
Find the Fish
[music]
STRANGE MAN: I wonder where that fish has gone.
STRANGE WOMAN: You did love it so. You looked after it like a son.
STRANGE MAN: And it went wherever I did go.
STRANGE WOMAN: Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Yes! No!...
STRANGE WOMAN: Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
STRANGE MAN: And it went wherever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's behind the sofa!
STRANGE WOMAN: Where can that fish be?
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?!
RANDOM: Shh!
STRANGE WOMAN: It is a most elusive fish!
STRANGE MAN: And it went wherever I did go.
STRANGE WOMAN: Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!
STRANGE MAN: A-fish, a-fish, a-fish, a-fishy, ooooh.
STRANGE WOMAN: Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!
STRANGE MAN: That went wherever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Look up his trunk!
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Yeah, it's hidden in his trousers!
[gurgling]
FISH #1: That was terrific!
FISH #2: Great!
FISH #4: Wonderful.
FISH #2: Yeah!
FISH #5: Yeah.
FISH #3: Best bit so far.
FISHES: [mumbling]
FISH #2: Fantastic!
FISH #1: Yeah.
FISH #2: Yes! Really great!
FISH #6: Very piscine.
FISH #5: Ha ha hah.
FISH #6: Yeah. Hee, hee, hee, hee.
FISH #4: Oh!
FISH #6: Ahh.
FISH #1: Heh.
[pause]
FISH #2: They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they?
FISH #1: Well, it's been building up to it.
FISH #4: Has it?
FISH #2: Has it?
FISH #3: Yeah, I expect they'll get on to it now.
FISH #5: Personally, I very much doubt if they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.
FISH #6: Oh, come on. They've got to say something.
FISH #3: They're bound to.
FISH #2: Yeah.
FISH #4: Yeah.
FISH #1: Yeah.
[pause]
FISH #3: What do you think the next bit will be, then?
FISH #1: Caption, I expect.
FISH #6: What? About the next stage of life, you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.
Part IV: Middle Age
ANNOUNCER: Middle Age.
FISH #6: Oh. Could've guessed it.
MR. MARVIN HENDY: Oh, that's much better. Thank you, honey.
MRS. HENDY: You're welcome.
MR. HENDY: Mmmm. It was all sort of misty before.
MRS. HENDY: M-hmm.
MR. HENDY: That's fine.
M'LADY JOELINE: Hi! How are you?
MR. HENDY: Oh, we're just fine!
JOELINE: What kind of food 'd you like to eat this evening?
MR. HENDY: Well, we sort of like pineapples.
JOELINE: Pineapple. Mmm.
MRS. HENDY: Yeah, we love pineapple.
JOELINE: Mmm.
MR. HENDY: Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.
JOELINE: Mm. Well, how about the Dungeon Room?
MRS. HENDY: Oh, look.
MR. HENDY: Ohh, that sounds fine!
JOELINE: Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic, medieval English dungeon atmosphere.
MR. HENDY: Ohh?
MRS. HENDY: It's--
[ssssss]
PRISONER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
[Hawaiian music]
Aah. Ah. Aah. Aaaaah. Aaaaaah!
MR. HENDY: Hmm m mm mm mmmm mm mm mmmm. Isn't this nice? Ha hah. Why not? Good shot. Real Kodak. Oh! Thank you. Thank you
very much. Hm mm mmmm. Dah dah...
PRISONER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
MR. HENDY: ...dah dah dah dah daah. Daah.
MRS. HENDY: Hm.
MR. HENDY: Huhh huh mm. Mmm.
MRS. HENDY: Hmm hmm.
MR. HENDY: H-mmm.
MRS. HENDY: Hmm.
MR. HENDY: Mmm.
WAITER: Good evening! Uhh, would you care for something to... talk about?
MR. HENDY: Oh, that would be wonderful.
WAITER: Our special tonight is minorities!
MR. HENDY: Ohh, that sounds real interesting.
MRS. HENDY: Um, what's this conversation here?
WAITER: Uh, that's, uh, 'football'. There you can talk about the Steelers-Bears game this Saturday, or you could, uh, reminisce about really great World
Series.
MRS. HENDY: No, no, no, no.
MR. HENDY: What is this one here?
WAITER: Uhh, that's 'philosophy'.
MRS. HENDY: Is that a sport?
WAITER: Aah, no, it's more of an attempt to, uh, construct a viable hypothesis to, uh, explain the meaning of life.
FISH #3: What was that?
FISH #5: What's he say?
FISH #4: What was that?!
FISH #2: Shush.
FISH #5: Eh?
MR. HENDY: Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?
MRS. HENDY: Sure. Why not?
WAITER: Philosophy for two?
MR. HENDY: Right.
WAITER: Room?
MR. HENDY: Two-five-nine.
WAITER: Two-five-nine.
MR. HENDY: Yup. Uhh,-- uh, h-- how do we--
WAITER: Oh, uhh, you folks want me to start you off?
MR. HENDY: Oh, really, we'd appreciate that.
WAITER: Okay!
MR. HENDY: Yeah.
WAITER: Well, ehh,...
MR. HENDY: Mhmm.
WAITER: ...look. Have you ever wondered... just why you're here?
MR. HENDY: Well, we went to Miami last year and California the year before that, and we've--
WAITER: No, no, no. I mean, uh, w-- why we're here... on this planet.
MR. HENDY: Hmmm. No.
WAITER: Right! Aaah, you ever wanted to know what it's all about?
MR. HENDY: Nope.
MRS. HENDY: No. No.
WAITER: Right-o! Aah, well, uh, see, throughout history,...
MR. HENDY: M-hmm.
WAITER: ...there have been certain men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence,...
MRS. HENDY: G-reat.
WAITER: ...and we call these guys 'philosophers'!
MR. HENDY: Ohh.
MRS. HENDY: And that's what we're talking about.
WAITER: Right!
MR. HENDY: Yeah.
MRS. HENDY: Ohh, that's neat!
WAITER: Well, you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these, uh, conversation cards? They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method,...
MR. HENDY: Oh.
WAITER: ...names of famous philosophers,-- Uh, there you are. Uhh, have a nice conversation!
MR. HENDY: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
MRS. HENDY: He's cute.
MR. HENDY: Yeah, real--
MRS. HENDY: Yeah.
MR. HENDY: Real understanding. Mmm.
MRS. HENDY: Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher!
MR. HENDY: Oh, yeah! He's the one that begins with an 'S'.
MRS. HENDY: Oh.
MR. HENDY: Umm, like, uh, 'Nietzsche'.
MRS. HENDY: Does 'Nietzsche' begin with an 'S'?
MR. HENDY: Uh, there's an 's' in 'Nietzsche'.
MRS. HENDY: Oh, wow. Yes, there is. Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?
MR. HENDY: Uh, yeah! I think most of 'em do.
MRS. HENDY: Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
MR. HENDY: Yeah! Right! She could be! She sings about the meaning of life.
MRS. HENDY: Yeah. That's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.
MR. HENDY: No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.
MRS. HENDY: No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
MR. HENDY: But there's no 's' in 'Burt Bacharach'.
MRS. HENDY: Or in 'Hal David'.
MR. HENDY: Who's Hal David?
MRS. HENDY: He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes, only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.
MR. HENDY: Oh, waiter. This conversation isn't very good.
WAITER: Oh, I'm sorry, sir! Uhh, we do have one today that's not on the menu. It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know.
MR. HENDY: Oh, yes.
WAITER: 'Live Organ Transplants'.
MRS. HENDY: 'Live Organ Transplants'? What's that?
Part V: Live Organ Transplants
[violin music]
ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Five: Live Organ Transplants.
[ding dong]
MR. BROWN: [cough] Don't worry, dear! I'll get it! [cough]
[ding dong ding dong]
[ding dong ding dong]
MR. BROWN: Yes?
MAN: Hello. Uhh, can we have your liver?
MR. BROWN: My what?
MAN: Your liver. It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen.
ERIC: [sniff]
MAN: You know, it's, uh,-- it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uhh,--
MR. BROWN: Yeah,-- y-- y-- yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it, eh.
ERIC: Come on, sir.
MR. BROWN: Hey! Hey! Stop!
ERIC: Don't muck us about.
MR. BROWN: Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!
MAN: Hallo.
MR. BROWN: Ge-- get off.
MAN: What's this, then? Mmh.
MR. BROWN: A liver donor's card.
MAN: Need we say more?
ERIC: No!
MR. BROWN: Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.
MAN: No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.
MR. BROWN: Agh.
ERIC: Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Zip it up.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: 'Ere. What's going on?
MAN: Uh, he's donating his liver, madam.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
MAN: That's right, madam.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: Typical of him!
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing.
MAN: Oh.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
ERIC: Ehh.
MRS. BROWN: What do you, uh,-- what do you do with them all, anyway?
ERIC: They all go to saving lives, madam.
MRS. BROWN: Mmm. That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good of the country' he used to say.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Hm?
MRS. BROWN: Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
MAN: Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just, uh, doing our jobs, you know.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: You're not... doctors, then?
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Oh. Blimey no.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN and ERIC: [laughing]
YOUNG MAN: Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven.
MAN and ERIC: [laughing]
MRS. BROWN: Right-o, son. Look after yourself.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Oh. Now.
ERIC: M-hmm.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MRS. BROWN: Do you, um,...
ERIC: [mumble]
MAN: Carry on.
MRS. BROWN: ...fancy a cup of tea?
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Oh, well, that would be very nice.
MRS. BROWN: Oh.
MAN: Thank you.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Thank you very much, madam.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Thank you.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Oh, eh,-- I thought she'd never ask.
ERIC: You know it.
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Uhh, you do realise, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver.
MRS. BROWN: Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!
MR. BROWN: [screaming]
MAN: Only I was wondering, ehh,... well, you know, what you was thinking of doing after that. I mean, [sniff] will you stay on your own,... or is
there, uh,... well, someone else, sort of, uh,... on the horizon?
MRS. BROWN: I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.
MAN: Not at all. You're a very attractive woman.
MRS. BROWN: Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.
MAN: Sure?
MRS. BROWN: Sure.
[pause]
MAN: Can we have your liver, then?
MRS. BROWN: Oh. No, I'd be... scared.
MAN: All right.
[snap]
I'll tell you what. Look. Listen to this.
[music]
MAN IN PINK:
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
[clunk]
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough,
[boom]
[singing]
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
[boom]
[slurp]
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
[clunk]
MRS. BROWN: [sigh] Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?
MAN: Yeah. Yeah. [sniff] Can we have your liver, then?
MRS. BROWN: Yeah. All right. You talked me into it.
MAN: Eric!
[clap]
[music]
CHAIRMAN: ...Which brings us once again to the urgent realisation of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda: the meaning of
life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
HARRY: That's right. Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and, uh, what we've come up with can be reduced to two
fundamental concepts. One: people are not wearing enough hats. Two: matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot
normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox
Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique
ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
[pause]
BERT: What was that about hats, again?
HARRY: Oh, uh, people aren't wearing enough.
CHAIRMAN: Is this true?
EDMUND: Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu, as our research initially--
BERT: But when you say 'enough', enough for what purpose?
GUNTHER: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted,...
[rumble]
...has anyone noticed that building there before?
RANDOM: Ohh.
RANDOM: My God!
CHAIRMAN: Good Lord!
[crash]
[exciting music]
[crash]
EVERYONE: [mumbling]
[crash]
CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE PIRATE: Aaaaah!
[crash]
CHAIRMAN: Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
PROJECTIONIST: We interrupt this film to apologise for this unwarranted attack by the supporting feature. Luckily, we have been prepared for this
eventuality, and are now taking steps to remedy it.
[creak]
[boom]
Thank you.
Part VI: The Autumn Years
ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Six: The Autumn Years.
[piano music]
NO�L COWARD: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. [singing]
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
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