Mythology 101
Mythology 101
THE BEGINNING IN A NUTSHELL: Gaea, the earth, and her son Uranus, the heavens, gave birth to a motley
bunch of creatures that included the Titans. Continuing a theme, Cronus, the king Titan, married his sister Rhea and they
produced 6 of the Olympian gods. But, Cronus didn't want his kids stealing his kingdom, so rather than letting them live, he
ate them, or at least, most of them. Rhea rescued Zeus by ingeniously substituting a chunk of granite wrapped in swaddling
clothes. Zeus then somehow made his father "chuck" his siblings, and together they all overthrew the Titans and stole the
universe.
Exemplifying a male-dominated society, the boys split the goods between them, shutting out the girls: Poseidon took the
seas, Hades the underworld, and Zeus the skies. Olympus was to be home for them all, and earth was their chemistry set and
playpen.
Now the fun starts...
Zeus was incapable of keeping his toga closed. Everybody knows Hera was his wife, but she wasn't his first wife, and she
certainly couldn't keep him happy. Wife number 1 was Metis (where'd she come from you may ask -- good question) but, in a
recurring theme that smacks of the "Donner Party meets Henry the 8th", he ate her just before she gave birth to Athena. To
save his precious daughter, Zeus had his head cut open and out jumped baby Athena in full battle-drag. Four more "wives"
produced a host of mini-gods, including the Fates, 3 Graces, 9 Muses, Persephone (whose mother was date-raped by
Zeus, and who once grown was raped and "married" by Zeus's brother Hades), and major gods: Artemis and Apollo. Zeus
was nothing if not prolific.
Zeus finally got horny for his sister Hera and in the equivalent of getting his date drunk, tricked her and date-raped her.
Hera's morality later defined 1950's America, because to cover her shame, she then married him. Big wedding. Dark storm
clouds. Cut to next scene: Hera birthing 4 kids -- including 2 major gods: Ares and Hephaestus. (To his credit, Zeus never
liked Ares or Hephaestus, and sometimes favoritism is justified.)
However, Zeus just kept spreading it around. Hera couldn't do anything to him except bitch because, after all, he was king of
the gods. But she could take it out on the "bimbos", and she did -- she came to define the term shrew: murder, bondage and
hardcore discipline.
There was a slew of other one-nighters, and some produced more major gods: Hermes,
Aphrodite Dionysus. Others produced major heroes like Perseus, Castor and
HERCULES.
A STAR IS BORN: Think THE classic hero. Studly, with the face of a god and a major party animal, Hercules was
decidedly stronger than the average jock. He roamed the world doing deeds and constantly getting into family squabbles.
Unfortunately for him his family was Olympian, and gods can cause major discomfort.
Hercules' mother Alcmene was Zeus' last mortal fling. Zeus picked her up because he wanted a hero son who would be king
and she was apparently the perfect mom. But Zeus in typical form had to go through the let's-dress-up-as-her-husband
charade to trick her into having sex -- you'd think being head god would get you laid without the costumes. Hera, of course,
was less than amused and took it out on Herc every chance she got.
Yes, she was responsible for the death of his wife and kids (or so the stories say). Yes, she was the reason he didn't get to be king. Yes, she was the
cause of his 12 famous Labors and his slavery. But on the other hand, she was also the reason he got to become a god. (She
screwed up and agreed to one of Zeus' demands.) {Editors Note: This is just a personal observation but, somehow, being
chased by a bitch-goddess for a few years seems acceptable if the payoff is eternity as a god.}
Herc was pretty near invincible and was really only in danger when one of the full-on gods was against him. Mortals, and
other things that crawled or floated or soared, were history in combat. And, oh yeah, being a hero, sometimes he got the girl --
according to legend, there was this king, Thespius, who was willing to give him his 50 daughters.
MAJOR PLAYERS: For those of you who slept through the 3rd grade and really need a refresher bigtime, here's the god
list with their usually acknowledged majors. Disclaimer: This is only the A-list -- there were enough gods and godlets for every
olive picker in the Peloponnesus to have one of their own.
��������������
Now these gods reigned for some 3 thousand years. There were many of them,
but 14 chief ones.
ZEUS: head god and father of much of Asia Minor. Sort of the George Washington of his time.
HERA: queen god, and "protectress" of women (but obviously this didn't extend to Zeus' lady friends.)
ATHENA: goddess of war and wisdom. The antiquities version of "military intelligence." Go figure.
APOLLO: god of beauty, the sun, healing, plagues and prophesy. Pin-up boy of the Greek pantheon. If there
was an Apollo movie, they'd cast Brad Pitt.
ARTEMIS: goddess of the moon and the hunt. If you're into old movies, the scene in Philadelphia Story of
Katherine Hepburn up on the roof, baying at the moon, is a direct allusion to Artemis.
HERMES: god of trickery and commerce. Think Big Business.
APHRODITE: goddess of beauty, love and fertility. Botticelli's Venus on a clamshell. Somehow it would seem
like a natural for Apollo and Aphrodite to have gotten it on, but they seem to have had other interests.
DIONYSUS: god of wine, song and drama. Easily the most universally loved god of all time after Aphrodite.
POSEIDON: god of the seas. Provided the first living example of the groupie entourage -- never went anywhere
without a cast of thousands.
HADES: god of the underworld. This is not the same thing as Christian Hell. Everybody ended up in Hades. It
was the next stop for both June Cleaver and politicians.
DEMETER: goddess of agriculture. Way fun job.
ARES: god of war. Hardly the stud you might think -- he was actually both a murderer and a coward.
HAPHAESTUS: god of fire. Not one of the in-crowd.
HESTIA: goddess of the hearth, and a virgin. Legend has it there really was one.
� 1998
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page