The former President and Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Spencer W. Kimball instructed me as a member of the Mormon Church to keep a journal, a diary. The record would be an account of my life to my posterity and loved ones.
My journal entries which will follow are a compilation of my most personal thoughts. At times I had only God with whom to share them. I share them now with the hope that they may benefit members of the Church and any other religion or individual. I desire that they will give people like me, Mormon and Gay, hope that there is a place for us.
My children for the most part have come to an understanding and acceptance that their father is gay. My children also know me as a sensitive person, an artist, a singer, and kind of a cross between Bob Crachet and Ebenezar Scrooge. He's the buddy that takes them to Disneyland. Dad is a good cook. He talks a lot and has a dry sense of humor. Mostly they love me. No matter what. Somehow I would think that the Church would be as decent to me as my children.
I know that there are God's rules. I believe in the Ten Commandments. I realize that some people would think that I am in violation of these commandments. I am working with the situation and circumstances of my environment, inheritance, and emotional and spiritual matrix to do all I know possible to adhere to God's laws. Just because a person is gay does not exclude them from good behavior and adherence to the commandments of God. However, sometimes religious people have been the primary hinderance in my struggle for obedience.
People for thousands of years has been keeping records of that which is important to the rest of humanity. My records report my humanness, mistakes, weaknesses, triumphs, and accomplishments. I hope these documented records will enable gay and lesbian people to find a place with in the framework of their religious beliefs.
I am writing this book for gay men and lesbian women in or out of the Church who may have given up hope in the organized churches of today. I do so to find a way we as a people might live the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ or whatever our religious beliefs without persecution and judgment hanging over us.
I am submitting these observations and records to the General Authorities ( Prophet, Apostles ) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its members whose lives have been influenced by their instruction. I bring these records into light so that they may give hope to people who share my love for the gospel and the truth.
I offer hope to those who have experienced what we may believe is the lack of love, times of despair, betrayal or persecution at the hands of those who would guide us. I realize that people in other Christian and non-Christian organizations have also experienced similar occurrences.
l do not mock God. I beg those who would condemn me to read these journal entries so that those, especially in the Church, may broaden their knowledge and deepen their understanding. I have been so close to you.
Like many Mormon gays and lesbians I chose excommunication from the Church as a way to protect myself from all the persecution and great duress I believed I was going through in my life. I excommunicated myself from the church by writing a letter of rage expressing anything I could think of at the time which I had at variance with the Church. I have no variance with the Church's teachings now, however I can not find the place for us.
This does not mean that I would go back into a sea of disillusionment, mistrust, or hypocrisy as a member of the Church. I have returned to the Lord. When I return to the Church, it will be in honesty, self-respect, and without hypocrisy.
I think of the following words as a commandment to gays and lesbians and people of good will everywhere, " Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you. " ( Luke 11:9 )
We are not trying to break down the door but it must open completely in order for us to serve. I
don't know what will open unto us, but I do believe it will be something more positive than that
which has been opened to me. I know the time is now for we are ripe, all ready to harvest. I pray
that we as Gay and Lesbian mormons will never give up hope, and that a door will finally open
where there seemed no open door.