My Conversion

It seemed as though I was prepared to become a member of the Mormon Church through my interest, term paper in high school and the occurrences I found at the college I attended. When Pat Case, a fellow student approached me at the Methodist Older Youth Fellowship meeting we were both attending with the news she had become a Mormon I was further intrigued. Fellow students in the fellowship seemed on the verge of agnostism, My interest toward this group of literal believers was increased. I do remember making a little fun with Pat, asking her if she was going to live in polygamy.

She asked me if I wanted the missionaries ( college age Mormons who volunteer two years to teach the beliefs of the Mormon Church ) to teach me. I made an appointment with the missionaries. I met two lady missionaries ( now called sister missionaries ) who looked like munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. They were little people.

These sister missionaries brought the elder missionaries to help them, perhaps because I had so many questions. I had been studying for the Methodist ministry but I was becoming agnostic much like the minister of our college congregation and many college professors I admired. I was searching for someone who had answers to life's important questions.

These sister missionaries were transferred before they could teach me all the discussions. One particular sister missionary was brought in who promoted a better atmosphere by being humorous and honest which lead to my conversion. I would later learn from her that she was a lesbian.

Sister Miller was an articulate, intelligent, non-conforming missionary and a lesbian. She had suffered a grave family tragedy and was taken from her mission. I felt as though she was brought to me from another mission and from another country to show me that I had a place in the gospel plan. I called her my centurion soldier. Her companion was Sister Smith who would later also play a role in my life.

I ended up taking the dicussions ( lessons ) to the Mormon Church in a vacant classroom in the college I was attending. There were the missionaries, myself and often Pat who followed me through until my baptism meeting weekly to share Gospel truths I had never heard before.

l was particularly amazed when the missionaries pointed out the scripture Exodus 24:9-10. " Then went up Moses, and Aaron, Nadab, and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel: And they saw the God of Israel: and there was under his feet as it were a paved work of a sapphire stone, and as it were the body of heaven in his clearness. "

It was a crucial scripture since the missionaries were telling me that Joseph Smith saw The Father and The Son in the sacred grove near Palmyra, New York. I had been instructed by my home church and came to understand that no one ever saw God. But there it was in the scriptures. I was impressed with the elders believing these things and to see this special lady missionary believe and serve as a missionary. I held hope that I was good enough to become a member of this impressive Church.

In the second floor apartment of the elder missionaries I was taught what was known as the Fifth Discussion concerning Eternal Progression, The degrees of glory ( Heaven ) and the last judgement. While being taught these eternal truths, I felt a soft warmth of light spreading throughout the dimly lit room. It seemed to touch me at first like a glowing within, then it went to the others in the room. This witness of the Holy Ghost would occur to me through out my life in similar manner. First there is a warm glow then a burning within my body and finally a warmth that moves me to tears. It is like love has come to teach me the truth. ( And it is not heart burn. )

It wasn't enough to teach me just the principles of the Church but encouraged by Sister Miller, we all were to go to the Hill Cumorah, Joseph Smith's House, and the Sacred Grove. We were just miles away from those sights.

On a cold February morning in 1964 the sister missionaries, elders missionaries and I drove to the Smith home to share the sixth and final lesson. The discussion was given in what was considered Joseph Smith's bedroom in this farm home outside Palmyra, New York.

It was February in New York State so the Sacred Grove was white with snow. We all knelt in prayer on a blanket in the snow. There was not any overwhelming witness for me at this visit as with the Fifth Discussion but to be in the very area where all these occurrences had taken place left its impression upon me. One of my favorite hymns in the Mormon Church at that time of conversion was THE SPIRIT OF GOD LIKE A FIRE IS BURNING. The missionaries and I sang it as we drove every Sunday to the little Perry Branch chapel to attend the classes in Priesthood, Sunday School, Sacrament, and what was called Mutual Improvement Association. There at the chapel, very humble kind people further taught me gospel principles through their words and actions.

On February 27, l964 we were driving to the chapel for my baptism. It had been a blustery day with occasional sunshine. The interior of the small chapel was very plain like a school room. One of the Sunday School rooms which were separated by sliding metal accordion room dividers was opened. The floor panels were lifted up revealing the baptismal fount. It was the size of a large jacuzzi. I was baptized by immersion by Elder Lamar Nebo and given the gift of the Holy Ghost by Elder Jack Weyland. A recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir played from its perch on top of the piano. A picture of President David O. McKay ( then Prophet of the Church ) hung on the wall. It was during the service that the sun shone through the narrow windows warming my body and my spirit and those who attended.

Later that evening as I was retiring in the privacy of my bedroom, the light in the room grew darker and the most horrible feeling came over me. It was so frightening that I climbed in my bed, covered my head with my blankets and prayed that the Lord would protect me. This negative feeling left and I felt a warmth in my being again. I became aware of the lesson this experience was teaching me: The difference between the power of Satan and that of the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I look back on this experience as further evidence of the truth, my worthiness to know the truth, and the realization of both powers that exist in the universe.

By comparison, there was no conversion to homosexuality. No one proselytized me. No one taught me lessons. The feeling was there from early childhood ( age five ) and eventually I acted upon the feeling. I was four or five years old when I had dreams about men in my life.

I was a young boy of six when I played explore the body with other naked boys. When I reached puberty the behavior was reinforced by my sex drive. I may have had a dominant mother, or experienced the trauma of an absent father. Whatever the case, I was gay. I don't see much choice, and I don't see much choosing by that little boy.

I continued to hope that my baptism into the church would bring me the strength and the ability to conform to the gospel plan. This would include the ability to overcome my being gay. I became close to a family in the Perry Branch. I even double dated with their son Josh whom I grew to love with time.

We did everything but live together. Rocked in the same hammock. Even though I knew I could be called on a mission in the Church, nothing seemed to dissuade my need to be loved by another male.

I became intimate with Josh later that summer of 1964. I remember sitting in a car with Josh on one of the roads in the summer camp I attended. Josh put his arm around me. I felt like I was in heaven. The occurrence consisted of warmth and affection. It was a fulfilling of what I wanted as a young child. It felt wonderful.

In those days there were not words like sexual orientation. The words were perversion, sexual deviation, queer, or fairy. Hearing any of those terms over and over when you thought of yourself had more negative bearing on one's personality development than any positiveness of a family home evening, blessing on an evening meal or any kind words from a Bishop.

Upon my baptism in February l964 I sent a poem I had written to the Prophet and President of the Church, David O. McKay. It was entitled " On My Way ". My entrance into the church was not a sham. I wanted to be what the Lord wanted me to be. I believed I had found the true Church of Jesus Christ and all things would be possible, even changing my sexual orientation.

President McKay was kind enough to direct an answer through his secretary Clare Middlemiss. Later I realized how lucky I had been to get correspondence passed her desk.

The daughter of his first counselor, Hugh B. Brown, related that Ms. Middlemiss, with the assistance of the Apostle Ezra Taft Benson, often denied First Counselor, Elder Brown accessibility to the President and Prophet of the Church, David O. McKay. President Hugh B. Brown was an intellectual. He sometimes was liberal in outlook on Church matters. President Benson was a conservative, having a son who chaired the John Birch Society.

My purpose in mentioning these observations is to emphasize my belief that often members of the Church including prophets and apostles may have their own conclusions, beliefs, and agenda. Those formulations and conclusions may inhibit progression toward necessary revelation which could benefit gay and lesbian persons to survive and participate in Church activity.

March 6, l964 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints 47 East South Temple Street Salt Lake City, Utah Mr. E. Donald Attridge 13 Livingston Street Geneseo, New York Dear Brother Attridge: President Mckay, who is recuperating at home from an illness, has asked me to acknowledge for him your letter of February 27, 1964, and the poem you enclosed therewith, which he has read with interest.President McKay has directed me to tell you that he appreciates your writing to him and sending your original poem entitled " On My Way " which will be placed among his collection of poetry. He was pleased to read of your love for the Church.The President sends his greetings and best wishes. Sincerely yours, Clare Middlemiss Secretary to: President David O.McKay

In the time between my baptism and my mission call, I attained the positions of Deacon, then Teacher, and finally Priest in the Aaronic Priesthood ( priesthood of baptism ). I traveled to the banks of the Susquehanna River for a camp out celebrating the restoration of the Aaronic Priesthood to the earth.

I remember seeing a member of the presiding bishopric show much affection to the other men in the campfire circle, and I wondered about it. These same feelings and show of affection had accompanied my conversion and baptism into the Church. I believed then that there must be a new way for me to express the love I felt inside for all these years in an acceptable manner. I wanted that affection to be in my life also.

I became friends Jim Clark who was attending the camp out. He made me aware that he was a recent convert who also had homosexual feelings. I can't remember any intimate contact we shared but when he moved to California his correspondence reflected his desire to end his homosexual behavior.

I was impressed with his scriptural counsel to me. " What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world if he loses his own soul. " Apparently my soul felt enriched by my homosexual intimacy more than fearing eternal losses. When all I had was the orientation I seemed born with then my soul came up wanting to be loved.

Although I would endeavor to change my homosexual orientation to heterosexual for the next twenty years, I had no idea that the future would be filled with such grief and pain.In the future came an evening with my father which would illustrate the difficulties as a homosexual, a member of the Church and as a son would bring. It is taken from my journal dated:

July 9,1995- Sunday- " I sat with my father, his wife, my half brother and half sister with their spouses. We sat around the familiar ice cream bar type table with booth seating in my Dad's kitchen. There was friendly fire which is typical with eastern people. ( Friendly fire- questions which when answered honestly leave you vunerable. ) Where did you get the money to travel to Europe? Who are you traveling with in New York State? Is your sister working yet?

I was not until I had given them the gift of seeing pictures of the Ehresmann family's ancestral home in Oberkutzenhausen, France that the most loaded question arrived?

My Dad knew since I was 17 years old that I was Gay. My marriage I am sure was either confusing or settling to him and the rest of the family. I told them when I divorced and left the Church that my former wife and I disagreed religiously. I did this to avoid any of the painful explanations which for the truths sake would be burdensome. I could not trust them with my personal life because they were for a number of reasons still strangers.

Yet still the question sneaked its way into the conversation changing a social type evening into what I felt opened up into a therapy intake session. Dad said, 'There is one thing I am still wondering about? Why did you leave the Mormon Church? '

Now all I have to do is send him this book. "