Throughout my life I have heard many people from prophets to beggars tell me what my place is as a homosexual. When all the dust settles from those Bible interpreters who seem to desire to wash their hands of gay people I find solace in seeking the Lord through various activities still available to me.
While we are excluded and thought to be unworthy we can still show our faith in God. My efforts center around what I can do. My excommunication letter informs me that I may not partake of the sacrament ( bread and water emblems of Christ body ). I am to make no contributions to the Church. My faith in the Savior is shown by the following things I endeavor to do.
" Search the scriptures, for in them ye think ye have eternal life. " John 5:39. I find place for myself everytime I read scriptures. I especially am enlightened by biblical scholars who can give the scripture a more eye witness sense. Many scriptures which others use to condemn us as not being acceptable
subside when the full key board is played. We need to keep up our knowledge of the scriptures so that others in their judgment can not distract us from our goal of returning to our Father in Heaven in love.
" Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, " says the sacred Mormon Hymn. When I pray I can not hear the words of any other person only that of my Heavenly Father ever encouraging me to better myself. My prayers have brought me many spiritual experiences which strengthen my testimony of the Savior. Without prayer I would have given up long ago. Seeking the witness of the Holy Ghost assures that you may know the truth of your life no matter what any other voice may pronounce.
".... this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. " Matt. 17:21. I have prayed and fasted throughout my life to come to a understanding of my homosexuality. I have come to realize from that fasting that I am totally loved by the Savior. Fasting has humbled me many times to be teachable. I do not need the Church fast Sunday to enable me to fast though I would long to be in the presence of the members of the Church to hear their testimonies and bear mine. Fasting is a free gift. Use It!
I can be all that any other Latter-Day Christians can be . I can hold a Sunday School with other Gay and Lesbian members or former members. I can sing the hymns of Zion by myself or with others. I can do my geneology. I can prepare ancestors making them temple ready through the geneology system of the Church. I may not be able to contribute to the Church but I can help the poor, feed the hungry, comfort the hospitalized, and forgive. I have to forgive everything. Everything!
Perhaps the only place for us at this present time is in the act of forgiveness. I forgive the missionaries who taught me. If they knew who I was yet converted me into the gospel I forgive
them. I am thankful to have known the truth for my earth
experience. I forgive my parents for there were so few available guides to loving children in my childhood time. I forgive my mother for all she really wanted was a husband. I forgive my father for he did the best he could with his personality.
I forgive President Kimball for wanting my salvation and exaltation so much he would bless my hypocrisy. I forgive the leaders of the Church for relying on our forced hypocrisy. I must forgive them for forming a plan to marry us to heterosexuals bringing us to our destruction harming our families which we regret more than restitution ever brought upon us.
I forgive any members of the Church who through believing homosexuals were a hiss and a byword fueled the flames of our pain. I forgive all the University of Utah Medical Hospital Administrators and Personnel for cowaring to the fears of prejudical homophobic thinking allowing me to interrupt my chosen career.
I forgive Dr. Robert Card for trying so desperately to shock me into being a heterosexual person. I forgive the people of the State of Utah for pinning on me the pink triangle causing me to flee their presence for my life.
I forgive myself for being a victim. I forgive myself for judging myself.
And if we can find no place within the Church we must find our place somewhere else. Some
place where none shall hurt or make afraid. We can serve the Savior by knowing his teachings
and living them. And if we become members of other Christian faiths more tolerable to our
reality, Heaven help the program that took us from our appointed missions.