December 25,1995- Monday- Christmas Day- " I looked at the picture which my sister sent to me which was taken of me at age one. Who could say that my life would follow such a difficult path from looking at that small baby in the photo. My book isn't written with intent to thwart the Kingdom of God. As the scriptures testify nothing will stop the kingdom from rolling forth throughout the entire earth.
My book isn't just for Mormons, though I lived my life as one who strived to be called worthy. It is not just for Christians for I have lived my life with those ideals as a compass. It is for anyone in or out of any religion who recognizes that gay and lesbian people are good people, loving people, thoughtful people, and unselfish people.
The world did not know who Jesus Christ really was nor did they take the time to look into his heart for the truth. Could it be that we have some purpose that man knows nothing about? You really didn't know who we were. When the Savior returns to the earth may we clean up the debre together. "
April 4, 1996- Thursday- "..... called Donna and Mike who use to drive us gay mormons to Los Angeles to the meetings with the stake President. They were told by their leaders to not associate with anyone that does not exemplify gospel principles. The Los Angeles group no longer invites those of us by postcard to each monthly meeting outside of the specific Los Angeles stake.
The group has changed its format with meetings being seen over by the members of the stake high council ( consisting of the Stake President, his two counselors and 12 high councilmen. ) That is why I have not been receiving the monthly post card invitation. Like a thin silk thread which I held onto as my only real priesthood contact with the church it has snapped tonight for me.
I am broken off from the Church still a further time. I am in deepest grief, deepest despair. I am without the love of the gospel I so often have looked upon, once again. I have no part in the gospel I know. I am left to myself. So shall I remain until I return to the place of all truth in the after life to understand what has happened. Where are the crumbs? "
April 7, 1996- Sunday " I watched all the session of General Conference. It was difficult to watch the Tabernacle Choir mouthing the music with them as if I belonged. I sang. I cried. I refused to relive all I had experienced again. I drowned in self pity. Where are the crumbs? "
May 17, 1996- Friday- " ...met with Al, David, Ralph to attempt to drive to Los Angeles Discussion Group but met with car failure just miles from our destination. It seemed all such a waste until I learned of all their work done in another Church.
These were all former Mormons. Their great leadership, strengths, and talents were being channeled into the Metropolitan Community Church. I thought of all that talent ignored. The work that these former elders could do for the Church but they could not. Where are the crumbs?
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" And the eye can not say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. Nay much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary. And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. For our comely parts have no need: God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked. That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all members rejoice with it. " - 1 Corinthians 12: 21-26. |
May 20, 1996- " .... My sister sent me the October 1995 Ensign ( official magazine of the Church ). Quoting Apostle Dallin H. Oaks, " We should extend compassion to persons who suffer from ill health, including those who are infected with HIV or who are ill with AIDS, who may or may not have acquired their condition from sexual relations. We should encourage such persons to participate in the activities of the Church."
Must I acquire AIDS in order for the leaders of the Church to encourage my participation in the activities of the Church. Can we not enjoy the free gift of salvation while looking for the path way to working out the task of attaining our exaltation?
Where were those words of defense when I was living in Salt Lake City. When gay and lesbian persons were being murdered in Liberty Park, harassed at their employment or driven from their dwellings places? Is our Church so conservative and mainstream now that we wait for the calamity before seeking inspiration, revelation and gifts of the spirit to aleviate suffering?
Excluding homosexuals from Church meetings and membership implies we could talk heterosexuals into being gay or lesbian. From everything I have seen or experienced in my life that can not be done. Do you really think the other churches will think you are apostate if you minister to the gay community. The tempest is raging for us as well as the heterosexual members of the Church. May the Savior bring Peace to us all through the truth.
During the beginning of the AIDS epidemic especially in Utah I did not see much of this compassion being exhibited by leaders and members of the Mormon Church. Again the condemnation note was being played louder than the love the sinner note. Where were the crumbs? "
June 21, 1996 - Friday - " Drove with Al Smith to what we in San Diego call, the third friday meeting at the stake center in Westwood, Los Angeles. A member of the stake high Council announced that the stake president which guided the group for several years was released from his calling as stake president. There will be two high council members in charge of the group now. The elder who originated the group, was asked to step down. A new leader/teacher would be teaching us as gay and lesbian members of the group.
The high council member later told me that the former stake president was reprimanded and released by Apostle Hales. The reason was the group meeting on September 15, 1995 was publicized beyond the Westwood Stake. This group could only be under this stake president's direction for members specifically of the Westwood Stake. We from San Diego could still attend. However I would not receieve a post card reminder of the meeting.
The September 15th meeting featured Michael Bussee, co- founder of Exodus International, the largest " ex-gay " organization in the world, and a former ex-gay minister in Orange County. While still affilliated with Exodus he met and fell in love with fellow counselor Gary Cooper. Their combined experiences led them to the conclusion that change ministries are ineffective and can be harmful to their participants. They decided to resign and live quietly as a couple.
The gay leader of the group gave a lesson focused around Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-29.
For Behold it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.
Verily I say men, should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.
But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.
We seemed to be steered away from our fears about the group being disbanded. The lesson seemed bland compared to the convictions of the previous leader/teacher David, who originated the group through the now released stake president.
Even the songs seemed to lack the luster and spirit we enjoyed with the former leader and stake president. I've begun to realize that this man, the former stake president had been the one who took the time to listen to so many of our stories of grief and pain at being excluded from the Church.
There was for several years shining moments of understanding and most of all the pure Christ love, the hand of the Savior
behind every good wish and strong counsel of this stake president and also the elder who cared enough to start the group.
We all knew now that Salt Lake ( meaning the Apostles and Prophet of the Church ) General Authorities were aware of our group. Reprimand or not he that hath ears now could hear.
The high councilman told me that the stake president could not direct the group but could attend. The elder who started the group also could not direct but could attend.
All this communication over the past few years seemed in vain as we would have to educate new Councilmen to our situation or perhaps that would be eliminated. Again, We were given the crumbs.
I was introduced to a former excommunicated gay male who had just been re-baptized. He acknowledged that he was HIV postive. He divulged that he would remain celebate for the Lord for the rest of his life. I mentioned this to the stake high council member. He told me of a female psychololgist who had bitten her finger nails to the nub over her self directed celibacy.
I told the stake high councilmen that for these people who seemed close to the end of life that celibacy was almost tolerated but ask men and women as a return missionaries at age 20 to look forward for the rest of their lives maybe 50-60 years to fingernails to the nub would lead many to suicide. He replied many must pledge this celibacy as a sacrifice for the Lord.
I do not believe this is what the Savior meant by losing your life for my sake. To live a life without tenderness, caring, passion, and intimacy seemed even against the principles of the family. Look at other churches who demand celibacy producing criminal behavior in its priesthood. We condemn this on the left hand and considerate on the right. Deep within my soul I know that is wrong.
During the discussion tonight one female heterosexual member stated that she thought the Lord must love the gay and lesbian very much to try and test them so grieviously. I could not object more. Not at anytime in my life did I ever think that the God of Heaven was behind the sorted behavior exhibited to me throughout my stay in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I asked the high councilmen if the former stake president could come to San Diego and speak to the stake presidents in our area to start a discussion group like the one in the Westwood Stake. He pronounced that would not be likely because of the reprimand he received.
I weep now as I see those fading images of what was a Christ like person, who like a father patiently guided the group through true progress for activating us into the Church. I believe that part of the mission is now in jeapardy. I would greatly miss this man who looked into my countenance when I grieved over being mistreated knowing this discussion group was the only contact with the priesthood of the Church I was having in 18 years.
In this case the letter of the law may have been violated but the spirit was bringing us home.