October 21, 1994- Friday - " We drove through Mount Morris, New York to outside Rochester then on to Manchester New York.....saw the Hill Cumorah. Lily ( a friend whom I had taught the Restored Gospel message ) was impressed with the autumn colors. I thought now that she could see these historic Mormon sites she wouldn't wonder about the burning in the bosom or stupor of thought. I taught her everything she could understand about the Church but she did not have a testimony only a knowledge of the truth.
We went to the Joesph Smith Home. Sister Woodruff, one of the missionaries gave us the tour. The tour went well. Sister Woodruff gave Lily a Book of Mormon with a sweet message inside the cover. Then we left the house. Lily told me that she was getting overwhelmed by a spiritual presence as we walked to the Sacred Grove. I was already tearful by the love shown to us by Sister Woodruff. Then as I started down the path to the Sacred Grove I felt overwhelmed.
The spirit of the Lord became stronger and stronger. We were captured in a power not of this world. It was similar to other spiritual experiences which I had in the Temple. I knew it was the Holy Ghost. It was glorious. It was like walking through a veil into heaven. It seemed like it was surrounding us for hundreds of feet. I felt as if we were being cleansed.
Though there were other people on the trail they seemed to dissolve from around us so we entered the Grove first and by ourselves. Lily read the sign describing what had occurred in the Grove so many years ago. ( 1820 )
It was like coming out of a hurricane into the calm eye of the storm. The Spirit of the Lord was so intense. We walked to the place where the old Patriarch trees once stood when I first entered the Grove on February 20, 1964 with my missionaries.
Lily sat on one of the benches there. I gathered a few autumn leaves down in a gully from her just to collect my senses. I prayed to my Father in Heaven thanking him for letting me have a manifestation of his Holy Spirit with Lily. I knew she would never be the same now knowing the truthfulness of Joesph Smith's vision.
I felt the power of the spirit as we started to leave the threshold of the Sacred Grove by the sign. Lily reported being filled from her feet up as we walked back down the pathway. We both ended up describing our experience the rest of the day.
It was more than I could have expected. I knew the Church was true and I was having further verification that I could receive the witness of the ( Holy ) Spirit of the Lord. It was a wonderful spiritual day. Now Lily had a testimony of the Spirit of the Lord as well as the first vision. "
October 24, 1994- Monday - " Returning to Joesph Smith's Home we walked onto the pathway of the Sacred Grove again. Once more the spiritual presence was overwhelming. It was so still. Very silent, very sacred....another ebb of spirit just flowed over us as if surf coming into shore.
The spirit seemed to subside once within the Grove. We found a new spot with older Beech trees. One of the trees was a sugar maple dated 180 years old in 1962. It was there when the Father and the Son appeared to Joesph Smith.
It was very peaceful. I felt spiritual in the woods many times but not like this! This is the most beautiful manifestation or feeling I have ever felt in the Sacred Grove. "
Through out the years that have followed whenever I became discouraged concerning being Gay and Mormon I remembered those many sacred moments as a testimony that I was worthy to receive these special witnesses of the truth no matter what.
December 24, 1994 - Saturday -" ....Sometimes it seems like such a game we as gays have to play. The heterosexual world will not acknowledge that we are homosexual or they think that we can be cured. They want us in a nice little package under the Christmas tree just identical to them.
We aren't allowed to be free in Churches, schools, or some employments for fear we may make the heterosexual world uncomfortable. Is God uncomfortable with us? He is the Creator. Somehow we have been formed through his divine fingers. We are here. If God objects to us. He will remove us. Why do people think that they have to do it for God?
Marrying heterosexuals and homosexuals brings most often divorce as I have witnessed with my life and the life of many others. Are then the Church leaders and officers, authors of Divorce? I question whether these marriage claimed cures were more often bi-sexual people able to steer their lives into giving up half of their feelings. "
March 2, 1995 - Thursday - " ...I'm not asking that the Church accept us but the Church must acknowledge us! There are not more of us than before but we are learning to speak the truth of our lives. Why not find a place for us. The arms of the Savior can wrap around us now why not His Church. "
When I attended the Affirmation Group in San Diego I became acquainted with several heterosexual Mormon couples attending who were interested in Gay and Lesbian Mormons issues. They mentioned their desire that the Church take a more positive approach to the Latter-Day Saint Gay and Lesbian.
One of the couples drove several of us from the Affirmation group to the meetings I've mentioned being held in Los Angeles. We would share sandwiches and most interestingly of all discuss what occured at the Los Angeles meetings during the drive.
When I heard their point of views I realized I had made my life more difficult believing I was unworthy to participate in the Gospel plan. As I look back to their understanding and encouragement I realize they cared for my soul like the Savior must with complete unconditional love. When I felt that surround me I could be a better person even though I remain a gay male. With their faith and support I felt myself living the commandments more and more. "
March 17, 1995 - Friday - " Meeting in Los Angeles....Stake President opened the meeting as he usually does with a review on how the group started. The President told his regional representative that he had two to three hundred Gay men and Lesbian women Latter-Day Saints in his stake. He felt responsible for the souls of these people. He did not want to ignor them or have their salvation upon his head at the last day.
The Stake President reminded those in attendance they were not here to speak against the Church or its leaders. He had gone to his leaders not seeking advice but to notify them of what he was doing as it was " more easy to gain forgiveness than permission. "
He admonished that the purpose of the group was to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ. He said there was unconditional love for them from the Savior and that no one in this room is capable of being a son of perdition. ( person who having been witnessed of the Holy Ghost, having a sure knowledge that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, needing no faith of that then denies his testimony of what the Holy Ghost has witnessed. )
It was a evening in which those in attendance could ask the Stake President questions. One young man asked what does the Church want us to do? Some of us have found partners and we are told to be celibate. Another lesbian woman in a relationship of eight years said if they came back to the Church they would be excommunicated.
The President told us to return to the fold. We can show the members we have a testimony. He told them don't shirk the fight. Let the members see we are spiritual people. He dramatically emphasized," There will be an answer. There will be a restitution. There will be a time of reconciliation. "
There were numerous other questions of import but the meeting seemed to loose its positive momentum when the stake President said that we seem to be talking about sex primarily.
All of us became very quiet and puzzled at his remarks. It was so similar to the kind of oratory we had received from some of our leaders. I thought we were talking about being people first rather than being sexual.
A veteran publisher of the magazine, A New Direction tried to bring in a clarification of this statement by declaring that most homosexuals don't think about sex any more than most heterosexuals. Another mature Gay man told the Stake President to substitute the word love each time he heard us speak of the need for intimacy. The Stake President acknowledged the statement and took it into consideration.
The most difficult statement I had with the evening concerned the proposed number of two to three hundred Gay men and Lesbian women in the West Hollywood Stake. West Hollywood was like Hillcrest in San Diego a center for Gay men and Lesbian women. Most every one who was Gay or Lesbian knew the number was grossly under estimated.
There will be an answer! There will be restitution! There will be a time of reconciliation! I would hear these words echoing in my mind again and again.
I was wishing that there was a Stake President in San Diego who would have the forsight to form a group for Gay and Lesbian Mormons there since our group had to drive 200 miles to attend these meetings."
These meetings touched my spirit enabling me to keep my course and love for the Gospel. Most of all I was impressed that this leader of the Church was the first to show us love. The love the sinner part of the equation. Without that love no one can come unto the Lord. This man had cared about our eternal souls like no other leader of the Church had done.
While I had gone to New York State to visit historic sites in the Church also renewing my spirit, I had another mission. I would often visit my father who was my only living parent. If it was love that would heal us in the Church it would be love that would heal a family.
Another opportunity came to me to fly to New York State so I stopped again in my father's home. In this visit I found a type of closure to something that had occurred to me when I was a small child. In this I learned one of the meanings of what the scripture " turning the hearts of the children to their fathers " meant.
When I was five years old I was in the custom of visiting my father's apartment with his new wife. I saw my dad just once a year every year of my life until I was around 15 years old. It was just one day a year, on Christmas Day. It was a precious few hours my sister and I enjoyed.
This particular Christmas Day my sister and I had received some nice presents. I really liked my new presents but more important I loved being with my father. The other years when I had opened my presents I would go to my father and give him a kiss to thank him. This year was no exception.
As I drew near to him to place my little boys kiss upon his cheek, he pulled back leaving me astonished. He told me that I was too old to kiss him and he offered his handshake instead. I shook his hand but the child within me wondered if I had done something wrong. How could my Daddy whom I saw only once a year and loved so much withdraw from my little kiss?
July 9, 1995- Sunday - " went to Dad's house... showed him photos of Grandpa Ehresmann's ancestral home of our forefathers in OberKutzenhausen, Alsace France. I gave him a copy of the Attridge family crest and a history of the Attridge name. I taped my father's conversation. I asked him about his childhood and mine. As I was leaving I hugged my half brother and half sister, then my father's wife, then my Dad.
Dad followed me out the front door and seem to be wanting to say or do something as I began to walk away. I thought that this could be the last time I would see my father since he was in his eighties. I felt courageous and stopped walking away. I turned and came back to stand before him. I gave him one more hug and then I kissed him on the cheek. It was the most innocent kiss of a little boy of five years of age. I wept as I continued down the driveway to my car. "
There will be restitution. There will be reconciliation.
July 10, 1995 - Monday - " I stood before my mother's grave this morning. I was hardly able to look at the grave. Hardly able to forgive all the verbal sexual abuse. To forgive her rejection of me toward the end of her life was almost impossible. She rejected me because she was told by my aunt that I ( being gay ) would not go to heaven. She had not forgiven me for divorcing from my wife.
I could hardly bring myself to forgive her even though I believed she did her best. I would hear the words of Louise Hay again quietly whisper in my ear. You can not really love unless you forgive. At least for another year I could not really love I thought as I left the cemetery. "
There will be restitution. There will be a time of reconciliation. There will be a time of total forgiveness.
July 11, 1995 - Tuesday - " Passed the Hill Cumorah. The pageant sets are in one area now. There are eight light stands with four on either side of the stage area. That was all a part of the New Hill Cumorah Pageant. I had never seen this pageant only the old dramatic one done by Hansen.
On to the Joesph Smith Home. Parking was good at 10:45 a.m. Walked toward the grove. Again Lily was getting a witness. I was feeling very little until I entered the grove. We were told that one of the twelve Apostles was in the grove by departing visitors.
We walked in on a group of young people and some adults having their photo taken with Apostle M. Russell Ballard. I did not know this Apostle since I had been out of the Church nearly fifteen years. I pointed out to Lily the only man in the grove whom I thought was Apostle Ballard.
I spoke to the small group of people which stood close to us telling them that I was converted here in the Joesph Smith Home and the Sacred Grove. The spirit overwhelmed me so much so that I wept because members of the Church were listening to my testimony and about my conversion.
A man in a white shirt walked right up to Lily as I was pointing to the other man I thought was the Apostle. He stood in front of us reaching his hand to shake her hand. " How do you do I am Elder Ballard. " Lily was very happy to have met an Apostle. We continued to walk around the grove with this group of young people perhaps from his ward who came by bus from Utah.....
Later we drove to the Peter Whitmer Farm where the Church was first organized in 1830. On tour of the Chapel I saw Trevor Southey's beautiful sculpture of the restoration of the Melchizedek Priesthood. We moved outside to enter the log cabin replica in which the Church was organized but Apostle Ballard's bus drove up and all his group entered the cabin.
While we had time the missionary who was taking us through the tour asked if anyone wanted to bear their testimony or relay their conversion. After a long silence I decided to speak and I started to tell about my conversion. I told them that I was reconverting myself everyday. They put me at ease by saying their lives also were filled with trials, tests and experiencing this same reconversion.
As I bore my testimony many of them were in tears. I could not with hold my emotions either and began to cry as well. I felt a connection that day with members who though they did not know my statis nor did I know theirs, we loved the spirit of testimony and the truth.
We went back to the Hill Cumorah to see the pageant. People in the cast started welcoming us to the pageant. We shared our testimonies with them for now Lily was expressing her witness from the Sacred Grove. I was reminded of those missionaries who had brought me the Gospel. I felt a certain peace. "
July 21, 1995 - Friday - " Drove to Los Angeles with Mike, Donna, Al and Brandon, the acting President of Affirmation for San Diego. The Stake President opened the meeting with the reminder, no Church bashing. The discussion was on Eternal Marriage, eternal increase and the Temple marriage covenant likened to the highest degrees in exaltation. ( after life )
Bruce R. McConkie's definition of salvation being a gift and exaltation something that must be worked for and earned was referred too. A young blond man was still bringing up to the Stake President that the Church seems to offer us only a life of celibacy. If this whole thing was just about sex then celibacy might seem the only option. However there is caring, tenderness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness, love, consideration, respect and all are a part of homosexuality whether the heterosexual world at large can realize these things or not.
The gospel of Jesus Christ is concerned about love. For God and for neighbor as well as for self. Some people are learning how to love through forming relationships with their own sex. Take that away from them and they will never know love. Forbidding to love is not one of the commandments.
I thought that by asking Gays and Lesbians to be celibate maybe the Church would be in conflict with the warnings of the scriptures testifying of false teachings of " commanding to abstain from meats and forbidding to marry. "
Then one return missionary amoungst many of us stood up and related something which had happened to him while on his mission in Italy. He told of his missionary companion who did not love or like him. He vowed he would do a special thing for him everyday.
For a week he secretly polished his shoes, cleaning up after this companion secretly but yet there was no feeling of natural affection or love from him. He did not stop loving. In his analogy he was saying, for me, that while we have not found favor with our leaders and members that we can still love them and do good.
You can not really love until you have forgiven. We all were weeping. When we sany the closing
hymn many of the members of the Church who had come to the meeting were weeping as well.
Surely where the spirit of the Lord is, there is truth. "