May 20, 1994- Friday- " Meeting with Stake President in Los Angeles. We were in the Stake Center within sight of the Los Angeles Temple. The Stake President said it was a " No, No " to talk about the Church in a negative way.
There was a lecture by a gay return missionary on the Scriptures in Genesis concerning the creation of animals and the creation of man. That man was not made like the animals nor that animals would not fill the loneliness of man but a helpmate was made for Adam.
The scripture that " it is not good for man to be alone " was also expounded. It was pointed out that gay men and lesbian women face a similar problem because we can not sustain for the most part a heterosexual marriage in all honesty and that " it is not good for (we as) man ( woman ) to be alone." Afraid to offend God we try to stop sexual intimacy with our own sex but that makes us more alone and " it is not good for man to be alone."
There were over thirty gay men and lesbian women present plus a few heterosexual couples and the Stake President. There was a humorous learning experience which occurred when the Stake President confessed that " there were some things I can't change." This referred to the years of exile many of us had experienced. From years of introspection came one Latter-Day gay return missionary who quipped, " yeah like your orientation. " After a good discomforting laugh everyone got in touch with how much we had in common and not what separates us.
The Stake President called upon someone in the group who would be willing to contact three names who had been referred to the group by Bishops of local wards. These names were of gay men or lesbian women who might benefit from the group.
The Stake President had told us that he had gone to those presiding over him such as a regional representative to explain that he had large numbers of gays in his stake ( West Hollywood ) and decided to plan this group meeting for their benefit. He solicited for no apparent objection and proceeded.
The other part of the lesson was concerned with people in history who were homosexual who contributed greatly to mankind. Many works of Michelangleo, Oscar Wilde, and twentieth century men and women were examined. Including works of those present at the meeting."
As I stepped out from the meeting I walked outside so I could see the lights on the Los Angeles Temple. I had been here once before years earlier listening to the loud speakers play Come, Come Ye Saints. The same song that was played at my baptism. The song played as a postlude to the Hill Cumorah Pageant in New York State. This song I sang hundreds of times as a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Now in the silence I felt enabled to move toward the Gospel once again. I had endured many things. And I hoped to enjoy many new and glorious things through the gospel. I believed more so that night that We'll Find The Place. It seemed that I had found a place.
There was more hope given to me that night than any day or night I had ever spent within the gospel bounds. And yet still in my fear and paranoia I could not believe that anything good was going to happen to us.
I had called for this type of meeting twenty five years previous when I was expelled from B.Y.U. I thought of my former wife, my children, myself and the untold numbers of those who experienced grief and pain due to the way we were treated in the Church. In honor of all those in attendance who had hoped in this meeting I held my comments. I was pleased that something was being done.
How come these groups always meet in the Relief Society Room? Could it mean WE as gay men and lesbian women Latter-Day Saints need R E L I E F? It is a good place to end the pain.
June 28, 1994- Tuesday- " I decided from last nights prayer and strong stupor of thought not to take the job working with paroles and gang members in the Hillcrest area recovery house.
When I prayed I saw a dark semi-circle in my mind enclosing before me. Then the greatest stupor of thought I had ever experienced in prayer before. I felt so good that God had continued to answer my prayers and that I had witnesses of the burning in the bosom and the stupor of thought as taught by the Doctrine and Covenants. ( revelations to Joseph Smith and subsequent prophets of the Mormon Church.)
Doctrine and Covenants 9: 8-9.
I went to the Aids Foundation of San Diego to apply for a Home Health Care Worker position similar to one which I had worked in seven years ago. I met Stan, a former Mormon, a gay male, who had married a daughter of an Apostle in the Mormon Church. He had since divorced. He took my resume. After we shared our mutual grief we just seem to walk away from each other. I never saw him again. I thought more and more as we surface nearer and nearer to the General Authorities perhaps they will do all they can to petition the Lord to help us find a place. "
July 15, 1994- Friday- " I felt a spiritual warmth or glow as I prayed concerning a position as a school age teacher in the after school latch key program. I remembered that I was a latch key child myself. A child that sometimes comes home to open his house himself because his parents are working. I will take the position since I can use my talents in arts and crafts. "
I went to another of the meetings in Los Angeles where gay and lesbian men and women met with a Stake President in the Relief Society room. David was lecturing on Leviticus 18:22. The Stake President became upset saying the lecture went too far.
The Stake President explained that he wanted this group to be a spiritual meeting in which spiritual principles were covered. He wanted less intellectualizing and more the feeling of family home evening or Sunday School. We always had prayer. We sang hymns. We felt the love of the Savior in our meetings. As gay men and lesbian women we may appear to have an agenda but in reality we have nothing. We have no protection in our work place. We have no place in the organized churches of our day including Mormon. So we have a lot of work to do.
If there were a place for us we would be there serving purposefully. If the Church claims there has been a place all along there are hundreds of thousands of us our here carefully examining the camouflage.
July 16, 1994- Saturday- " Gay Pride parade in Hillcrest. I experienced many emotions such as pride, amazement, and being brought to tears as I watched gay policemen and policewomen marching arm and arm unafraid to declare the truth about their lives.
I saw two Mormon families marching in gay support groups which have to do with ending gay bashing and administering to Aids patients. I knew they were being brave once again in declaring what was right for they previously worked with gays and lesbians in Affirmation ( Gay and Lesbian Mormons ).
I felt a sense of self worth at being a gay person which I needed to feel twenty years ago. "
September 24, 1994 - Saturday- " As a member of the Affirmation Group I checked with our President Jennifer. I told her I wanted to ask at the Church Family History Building administrators if we could start a Sunday School for gay and lesbian members of the Church. It was just a few blocks from where I lived.
I don't know where the courage came as I was walked by the Family History Building on 10th Street near Robinson Avenue in predominantly gay Hillcrest, San Diego. I approached the office and saw Sister Conold sitting in the first desk. I told her I represented a group of people who live in this area of Hillcrest who were members of the Church who could not attend Church. We wanted to know if we could meet in this building.
She summoned her husband Brother Conold. He wanted to talk right there near the customers of the L.D.S. bookstore. I told him the subject of the discussion was personal.
Once in the front office I realized I had the most difficult task of approaching someone fairly ignorant of homosexual needs as most members of the Church seem to be. I felt like capitulating but I decided I would raise his consciousness level.
I told Brother Conold that I was a member of Affirmation. I mentioned that it was gay and lesbian Mormons. We have a President of the San Diego chapter, Jennifer. We would like to meet with an authorized person who could give us permission to start a Sunday School for Lesbian women and gay men who were Mormon, Latter-Day Saints. I was to learn later that at this point all Brother Conold heard was the lesbian part of my statement.
I continued to point out that we all have testimonies of the Gospel and that I had a testimony of the Gospel. I had served a mission, married in the Salt Lake Temple, worked as a employee in the Temple, sang in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for five years, and had fathered two children.
Brother Conold replied he did not think that such a group of Lesbians could meet in this building. All Brother Conold heard was the word Lesbian, and that was it! He further stated that he did not think it was a good idea. They had trouble with other groups who met there and they had disturbed the neighbors with such things as parking problems and noise. I mentioned that most of us live just a few blocks from the building. I told him I live only three blocks away and did not have a car.
Then Brother Conold said that he could not make that kind of a decision. He did not look like he was enjoying my company in the slightest. He mentioned that there were many Stake Presidents over the building. I asked him who could I approach ? He told me we had to have a Priesthood leader approach the regional representative Brother Jensen and get permission. He did not have his phone number.
I think he thought I would leave immediately never to darken his door again. His wife tried to help in the search for a phone number. I could feel her empathy but no one seemed to be able to get a phone number of the person I needed to ask. I was inwardly ready to quit and just call it a bad experience when I told them insistently I needed the name and phone number before I left.
I repeated that we all had testimonies of the Gospel. I had told him I been married, again. He chided me saying everyone had problems within a marriage and that I could have worked them out as all people do.
I told him when you marry a homosexual to a heterosexual you have a different problem; like mixing oil and water. I told them that none of us believed we chose that way. We had done all we could to conform to the plan but it did not work.
I stated that we were knocking at his door. We hope it will open for us finally. I could feel his reluctance. He finally gave the number of the former regional representative.
As I left the building I wept. I had wept earlier listening to Mormons hymns in the bookstore but now I wept for the endless slammed doors I had received, this being the closest. I knew I was in for more bloody knuckles and I wasn't sure I was up to it. I personally at that point felt even if the gospel was true I would be better off in another Church.
" It will be well with you at the last day " words from my patriarchal blessing groaned to me and so I girded up my loins and prepared to continue.
I reported the encounter to the Affirmation group giving the information and phone number to Jennifer our President. Late that year I was told that the Church condemned the building, moving all contact to this little San Francisco type community of Hillcrest of mine, withdrawing the spirit that seemed ever so close. I still fantasize about going to this gay ward in my neighborhood. Who knows it might be one of the best in the Church.
October 1, 1994 - Saturday- " I am wondering again who's plan was it that President Kimball was
placing upon our heads? I always thought the truth was within the teachings of the Church but
sometimes it appears to me that the truth is in us and we bring it to the Church so the Church can
verify its truthfulness with the Lord. "