March 9, 1986 - I moved from Salt Lake City, Utah to San Diego California, To Heal. It was difficult to leave my sons but just three months passed and I flew them down to San Diego for the time of their lives. We went to Sea World, Disneyland, Knots Berry Farm, San Diego Zoo, Tijuanna, Mexico, and they heard me sing at Teaching of the Inner Christ.
It was during the next four years I did not allow the thought of Mormons or even the name to pass my lips nor bruise my brain. To me the Mormon Church was something I left in Salt Lake City, Utah. I could have not lived or healed otherwise.
There was only one friend whom I shared my sorry past. He seemed to bear any complaints I had with a tolerant heart. After four years I began reading old books which I had kept on the Church which seemed to be talking about world events with a prophetic accuracy. It seemed to be getting my attention though my spirit not my conscience had been seared with a hot iron living in Utah.
In 1990 I moved into the City Villa Apartments in downtown San Diego. The first persons I met were my landlord and his wife, they were Latter-Day Saints. During a period when one of my jobs ended and another one began they opened their food supply to me. They did so out of love and true friendship. It was one of the first things to turn my bruised spirit to look toward the Lord and the Church again.
I thought it strange I had moved into a building with a landlord who was L.D.S. ( Mormon ) The woman who lived in the apartment next to me was a member of a singles ward which just happen to have a Gay and Lesbian Discussion Group meeting in her ward. The Mission Bay Ward bulletin was handed to me through Rhonda. Now you know the rest of the discussion group story from the beginning of the book.
My sons visited me almost every summer in San Diego but only before or after Christmas. I could never have my children on Christmas eve unless I went to my former wife's home. During the summer they both found employment at Sea Port Village. I was treated to discounts on Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream as well as some super sandwiches.
On July 2, 1993 one of my children moved from their mother's home in Salt Lake City to live with me..... his father. Christmas Eve, Birthday's, Christmas in July and other holidays had no conditions anymore. I was in heaven. I was the main parent for at least a little period.
In February 1992 I had secured a position as state park aid for Old Town State Historic Park which included working on Saturday and Sunday. I stopped by the Mormon Battalion Visitors Center and soon started to attend Sacrament Service there with the couples missionaries. I even took it upon my self to partake of the sacrament which for me was a renewal and a reaching out of my hand to the hand of the Lord. I did not feel anymore damned then an excommunicated person could be.
These services were wonderfully short to facilitate the opening of the Visitors Center. Music was always appreciated and my solo voice was called upon to add to the service. I brought many of my friends and acquaintances who I met while working in the park to the center to share with them what appeared as a new faith in the Gospel.
The new Bishop of the Mission Bay Ward which had the Gay and Lesbian discussion group met with me on Washington Square in Old Town, San Diego. He was not the Bishop which was involved in the discussion group. I showed him my excommunication letter. I did not explain to him how differently I felt but he knew I had a testimony of the Church. He told me I could not be baptised.
I continued to attend the Visitor Center Services. It became my ward. One of the older missionaries had been a policemen in Salt Lake City. He had been a vice squad officier patroling The Lounge, the famous gay bar with which I was acqainted. He seemed to have understanding for gays.
As the missionary couples at the Visitors Center grew to know of my being a gay man, some statements against Gays were made in my presence. It was without malice to me but it was an indication that I would be fighting prejudice and ignorance once again. I can never thank all the many kindnesses shown to me there but the Church program taught its members to reject us so I discontinued attending Church there thinking the time was not right for me to return to the Church.
February 22, 1993- Monday- " My six year friend Jerry and I went through the San Diego Temple. We went as non-members. I had fasted the day before for a medical examination and the spirit had no trouble pouring its delightful witness to me that this was indeed, the House Of The Lord......so unattainable.
As we were following the solemn lines through many of the hallways of the Temple, an apparent non-mormon woman remarked as she pondered the beautiful brass drinking fountains. " Wonder what they use these for? " I quipped angelically " Holy Water. "
March 27,1993-Saturday- "....I blessed the Derby-Pendleton Museum which I helped to restore and was working in as curator and tour guide by the power of the Holy Melchizidec Priesthood which I believe in... "
Throughout the many years of being excommunicated from the Church when the need arose I prayed and called upon the priesthood which was latent within me to protect me. I had been promised that the priesthood would be a power in my possession forever. I acted and felt like it was.
I started watching sessions of the Church general conference and I was surprised to see changes in the General Authorities and my beloved Tabernacle Choir. I was glad to see one old friend, James. But many of the people I knew were no longer in the choir. I would have been in the choir twenty years.
During the summer of 1993 I took my sons on a tour of Great Britain where we were able to see places where our ancestors were married and spent their lives. I did so as a graduation present for both of them. It was difficult to return to Utah for their graduations but I believed they wanted me to be there.
July 1993- On a tour of Great Britain with my children I saw an L.D.S. ward house in Inverness, Scotland. My children were impressed as well, so far from Utah...being home I appreciate the little carriage house I lived in and the beautiful gardens I had made in the canyon behind my apartment. "
My home was close to the city part of San Diego yet with two large sprawling pepper trees and a vegetable garden I felt like I had a home in the country. I was amazed at the produce my garden was supplying for my family and myself. My friends also benefitted from my abundance. I thought I must have been doing something right.
" Thy barns be filled with plenty....( Prov. 3:10 ) ....obedient ye shall eat the good of the land...( Isa. 1:19 ).
May 2, 1994- Monday- " I went to my first San Diego based Affirmation group meeting.... there is a married heterosexual couple who are acting as facilitators to the group. He is the High Priest quorum teacher and she in the relief society.
Realization: I did not have to suffer for all these years. These gay men, lesbian women and bisexuals believed in the church, live gospel principles and have no where to go when it comes to going to Church. But they feel O.K. about themselves and have testimonies. I liked that! It sounded and felt right!
We were meeting with members of the Church sharing our same testimonies of the Gospel. That is what I have wanted to do all along.
The therapists revealed that fellow members of the Mormon Church wondered about these very active Mormon therapist's sexual orientation just because they were involved with counseling the Gays and Lesbians within the Mormon Church through Affirmation. They reiterated to the members that they were heterosexual.
I'm still not clear on whether Gays and Lesbians will receive fair treatment in my life time. I hope that most will become members of a ward and worship the Lord as does the rest of the Church.
It was pointed out by the therapists that GRIEF is what all of us gay and lesbian Mormons are
dealing with in the group. The grief has come from being excluded the Church and the members
it unfluences. I didn't consciously realize that grief was what I was feeling along with anger. I
knew that my past had caused me to be very bitter. This bitterness still was not healed. But it was
grief! I just know I feel different for going to the group. I feel improved, accepted, and loved for
who I am. I can't seem to relate a tenth part of what was said. "