Death and Resurrection

February 4, 1980 - Monday -" I called Karl Idsvoog and told him to erase the tapes which I had filmed for the documentary. I do not want to sabotage my life anymore. This was not the place for me ( Salt Lake City, Utah ). I must really think of finding a place where I can work out my life without harm coming to that process."

July 9, 1980 - Wednesday -" ... I must now start to write a book " Mormon and Gay " It will be my own documentary. I will write it to help people like me express our testimonies of the truth not only of the Church but of our love for each other. It will be for me a way to help the leaders of the Church see our sincerity and willingness to do everything humanly possible to find the narrow pathway to the Savior. "

For the next few months I struggled with just maintaining a balance between spending time with my sons and making a living.

August 31, 1980 - Sunday -" I wrote CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY A STORYBOOK in the Salt Lake Temple while I worked at the suitcase desk over a decade ago. Today I completed the last illustration and I am ready to set to print my efforts. I am still alive. "

I spent many hours with my children after all these traumatic occurrences in our lives. I did the best I could to love them and provide a father's love for them. Though sometimes I did not see them for weeks at a time due to my extreme depression I still loved them. I did not want them to see me so desolate. When they were with me they did not get the impression I was on the verge of suicide.

October 6, 1980 - Monday -" I went to Rosecrest Elementary School to my children's classes. My youngest son in first grade was so proud to introduce me as Leonardo Da Vinci who I was dressed like. I said to my son " tell the class who I really am." My son said, " My Dad."

When I went to my older son's class I told his classmates that my son was mentioned as a character in My Christmas Storybook which I showed them. The children surrounded my son and patted him and hugged him.

I'd like to thank my Heavenly Father for such a choice experience though I can not fathom all the pain that has happened to me. I hugged and kissed my youngest son. My son told his class, I kissed my Daddy. "

October 7, 1980 - Tuesday -" I was nervous about my son's classes visiting the Salt Lake Art Center ( where I work.) I went to the front desk as my son's classes arrived. All the children in a united chorus raised their hands and said Hello Mr. Attridge! They kept saying hi all day. My sons kept their hands up in the air so I could see them in the bus and when they passed by me.

Both groups went to hear the Symphony next door in Symphony Hall. I ran outside to the buses hoping they had not left before I could say goodbye to my children. The buses had not left so I was able to climb aboard to say goodbye to my sons.

Several of the leaders in The Art Center told me how successful this program seemed to be. It is one in which I had suggested and taken part so I went to a private room and wept tears of joy that I could do something with children and still inspire them. I am alive. "

October 16, 1980 - Thursday -" Saw Ivan tonight. ( He and I had dated before I married my wife. ) He seemed grieved during the time we were romantically involved tonight. Then he told me that he was married and had fathered children following the Church program. He worked for the Church and feared for his job. I really loved Ivan. This day had rekindled strong feelings I had for him so many years ago. I felt strangely free from some of my pain as I saw him struggling. As we loved each other he wept. "

October 28, 1980 - Tuesday -".....Louise Canover gave me the specifics concerning my impending law suit against the University of Utah Medical Center."

November 1. 1980 - Saturday -" William Lockhart phoned to start the law suit on the University Medical Center. Whether to use my name is the problem since I have a family. It was decided that I would be John Doe. "

November 26, 1980 - Wednesday -" Visited with David Leta and Gerald Sunnyville, lawyers chosen by the A.C.L.U. for my claim against the University Hospital. Had lunch with Trevor Southey a successful artist. He was married and shared many of the same experiences of grief and pain I had experienced. "

November 29, 1980 - Saturday -" I am beginning to get small glimpses of my mission in life. If I could return to the church and do all the good I can but remain unmarried until when I am on the other side I will maybe feel different or be different even remembering what occurred in the pre-mortal existence before I came to the earth. This is very submissive but eternity would be so dull without being continually increasing in knowledge and being able to create eternally. For I am a creator. I want to create for my eternity. "

Though I had lost everything through speaking what I believed to be the truth of my life, I had not lost my testimony of the Restored Gospel. I was trying to find some way that I would not be considered o.k. though in reality I felt not o.k..

These particular ideas were fed to me by the Church through interviews with Social Services and other leaders.

December 8, 1980 - Monday - "... the layout work began on my book Christmas Everyday A Storybook....so much of this book is from my experiences in New York State and with my family. When it is completed I truly believe it will be significant .....John Lennon was murdered tonight. I wonder if there is a place safe enough to live. America has become too violent for me. "

December 22, 1980 - Monday -" ....can not believe it is so close to Christmas and I haven't gotten a Christmas tree. I want one so badly. Please God I ask for a Christmas tree to come to me and for my children. "

Due to the fact that the kids had to be with their mother, I would not be able to have my children with me on Christmas Eve but this year I was glad because this was the first year of my life I did not have my all important Christmas tree.

One year later I wrote this small essay concerning my experience of the Christmas of 1980:

Christmas Without A Tree Each year when I was a child my parents had a Christmas tree in our home for the holidays. During those years we often had a long needle open branched tree that looked like a green cookie monster or a short needled pencil point of a tree loaded with bubble lites. Even when my sister and her family came to Utah my wife and I put up a potted Balsam Christmas tree that July in her honor. I saw my sister from New York State so few Christmases that we made presents, stuffed stockings, and even had turkey dinner for her. Christmas in July was celebrated each year without fail following this family visit. A Christmas tree in July and December was our family tradition without exception. This year December Christmas would be different. My wife and I decided together that our marriage was not working. It was hurting both of us. Without revenge we started to live true to ourselves and keep up positive communication. Separated, I was living in a small studio apartment in the avenues, divorce was inevitable. I wondered what kind of Christmas it would be especially since I had been laid off in October. I had paid deposits on clothes and toys for my children and several special gifts for my former wife. Though we were separated we still honored each others friendship. Unemployment checks were going for necessities only. The checks would come each week on Wednesday or Thursday. Since Christmas was Thursday I might be without money for the holidays. With job possibilities slim this time of year it seemed a difficult time. Usually I would have a tree by Thanksgiving weekend but each week of December a new bill, food costs, and a medical problem left no money to buy a tree. Finally Christmas week and still no tree. I was even tempted by every tree I saw in people's yards or by going into the mountains for a tree but I knew the unsettling penalty would counter the meaning of the beauty I so longed for in my small apartment. It was the day of Christmas Eve. After a disappointing job interview and earning a few dollars doing odd jobs, I rode my bicycle back from town to my avenues apartment. I hoped that at least the unemployment check had arrived and it would help me be the Santa Claus my children expected. Often the mail box would be empty and that would mean the check could come Thursday and Christmas would be over. I felt that I would have failed my children. As I opened the box, there it was. My spirit vibrated. I flew to the bank near by and felt like a millionaire as my wallet bulged with even this small amount of money. The toys.....Yes! I had made it, they were still in lay-away. I got my former wife and children's presents, candy for the stockings, and food for the Christmas Eve dinner I was to bring as my former wife had invited me to be with them this Christmas Eve. I had the presents wrapped as there was not time to do so myself. I gathered my treasures around me to go be with my children. A tall plainly dressed blonde man asked me on the street for a quarter. Though it was one of my last dollars, I handed him a dollar; for I knew I was in his place just hours ago. It reminded me I was not poor. It turned out to be a happy evening; there was love shared by all of us. As I returned to my apartment, it was void of Christmas spirit without my traditional Christmas tree. The day after Christmas I walked by a near by garden center. I ventured inside and inquired if they had any Christmas trees left. No. The boy had chopped them up and discarded the remains in the dumpster. Perhaps one might have survived, I pleaded with the clerk. I begged to be able to work for it, charge it. I told them I had no Christmas tree and it was the first year in my life without a tree. I was told I was welcome to see if the dumpster contained a tree in one piece. I hurried to the large garbage bin, my pride overcome with desire but all I could see was pieces of limbs. I spent a long time removing each limb one by one until almost at the bottom of the pile there was a tree! It was a tall beauty, short needled and still fresh, pungent smelling. It was exactly the kind I always had in my home. I was filled with thankfulness and I wept. I carried that tree seven blocks across crowded intersections, passed curious people's gazes. I walked by discarded dried up brown Christmas trees laying at the curb. Finally I reached my apartment. I set the tree in my plastic waste basket filled with water. I made Christmas cookies to hang on it, and set up my children's toy train beneath the tree. That night, as the lights from it dazzled in my apartment, my children came for a visit. They didn't really understanding that I had just put up the tree. As they played with their toys I knew they felt happy and loved in my humble home. I had peace finally! I had the gift I really wanted...and a Christmas tree.

I entered my " Christmas Without A Tree " story, one year later in a contest requesting the Christmas you remembered most. It was for the local paper. It was not accepted. The climate in Salt Lake City was in my opinion not friendly to a single parent household especially the husband. Though I realized I was no James Michener.

January 22, 1981 - Thursday -" My Christmas Storybook was printed today by Fred of PIP. I received 20 copies. I sold my first copy to Mrs. Welch ( Jay Welch's step mother ) in my apartment building. My second copy sold to James from the Tabernacle choir whose marriage had dissolved. He said he thought I was lost because I left the choir and my wife. I set aside one for President Kimball as well. "

February 2, 1981 - Monday -" Mary called concerning our divorce. She thought I had changed back to being a heterosexual. I was amazed she could still think that I could be straight after all she knew we experienced. Renae from Teaching of the Inner Christ read my Christmas Storybook to a boy in a coma and he lifted his head out of his coma. That made me feel better today."

May 28, 1981 - Thursday - "...signed the Law suit against the University of Utah Medical Center."

June 11, 1981 - Thursday -" Child of Heaven, Child of Earth written by Francis Curry and I ( our poetry booklet ) went to press today. I feel that these artistic endeavors working out makes me feel like not giving up. I am trying every avenue I know to find some feeling of success in my life from all the apparent failures so far. "

September 22,1981 - Tuesday -" Mary told me our divorce was final today. November 22, l972 - September 22,1981... It does seem that whatever she and I started was done so with great expectation. I sorrow with her. It seems sad, sorrowful but I can not see any other way. "

October 1,1981 -" President Kimball is close to death. It seems so strange. I felt so angry now excommunicated, divorced. I stand all amazed. There is a certain peace. "

February 2, 1982 - Tuesday -" Gerald Sunnyville prepared me for depositions. I can't believe that Kerma, Helen, and Jerry lied saying I flaunted my homosexuality in front of the hospital when they never even knew I was homosexual till I told them. They said I mutually agreed to change jobs and that I was not fired. What a lie! I told them I would sue the hospital if they fired me from the Pediatric Ward. Their jobs must of really been put on the line to make up such false statements.

July 6, 1982 -" My principles are still important to me. Though others look upon me and my kind with destain I must become all I am capable of being. God bless me. I bless me. Make me loving. Make me caring. Make me strong. Make me a seeker of truth."

January 5, 1983- Wednesday -" David Leta my attorney informed me of a proposed settlement which involved an award of 15,000 dollars and a 12,500 dollar a year position in the University of Utah Medical Center. I won the right to appear in a documentary but I could not mention the hospital while employed.

David and Gerald told me that a person by the name of Dr. Cameron was to be brought in by the state to discredit all gays employed in hospital work. His general testimony as a psychologist was that gay people molest children more than heterosexual people therefore I was considered unfit to work with children. My lawyers had done research which found just the opposite was true but this man was a very hostile witness. "

( Dr. Cameron was removed from the Psychiatric Association of America for many of these views. )

Essentially my attorney's capitulated to get the settlement. I wanted to go to trial come what may, I was ready. David said the jury selection was hampered due to the lack of constitutional rights for gays. I did not understand but it looked like they had given up. "

January 6, 1983- Thursday -" Due to the length of time of a trial and the strong advise of my attorney's I authorized the proposed settlement. "

January 13, 1983 - Thursday -" ...Law suit in the paper and on the radio. Bob Lange from 20/20 wants to speak to me. I have had enough sensationalism for one life time. "

January 28 1983 -" Interview with Bob Lange 20/20 concerning homosexuality and the Mormon Church. Mr. Lange told me of a reported class at B.Y.U. in which the class mates would get credit by going out and entrapping a fellow student in homosexual behavior or other standards offenses. I told him I only knew of the request by Apostle Kimball and campus security to turn in names of fellow students. That seemed to be the end of his interest. "

February 1, 1983 -" I was informed by Tom Colburn ( new head of hospital personnel ) that Bill Evans assistant attorney general said I can not have a job working with patients. This was not in line with what the settlement stated so I brought one of my attorney's Gerald Sunneyville to make my stand. The state was doing everything possible to not live up to the agreement. "

February 4, 1983 -" David Leta ( my attorney ) straightened out the hospital so I can work with patients. He spoke to Bill Evans directly. There was a position in rehabilitation therapy opened but the hospital would not approve me for the position. "

I decided to avoid wasting my time during the negotiations. With the small sum of 3,000 dollars which I ended up with through the law suit I left the country to take some time revitalize my desire to live.

My lawyers had taken close to 11,000 dollars of the 15,000 dollar settlement. They had spent close to four times that amount on the case but according to the A.C.L.U. who had taken the case and secured these two attorneys, their attorney's ( A.C.L.U. ) usually take the case without compensation.

My attorney's actions were a violation of the agreement according to Sally Pedler, head of the A.C.L.U. in Utah. Well at least it appeared all over and I stood up for myself and other gay and lesbian people. No one would be able to fire another gay in Utah for appearing in a documentary concerning the Mormon Church."

June 6, 1983 - Monday -" ... Have been working in the University Hospital Medical Center in the admissions office typing into a computer all day names of admits. Tom Colburn ( new Head of Personnel ) asked me how I like my work. I told him " I Hate It. " That should make him happy as he did everything possible to make it difficult for me to find any position. He had been involved in another altercation involving a friend of mine who worked in personnel accusing her of smoking pot in the bathroom. "

It was a very difficult come back. The people all knew I was a gay. I was the homosexual that sued the hospital. I did not spend a day without seeing someone make some kind of gay comment in front of me or behind my back. I stayed in my position until September 12, 1983 when out of a small realization I had made a difference for people like me and I could not progress any further at this hospital in the position, I resigned.

January 31, 1984 -" ....I prayed on my knees this night that I might meet someone, my companion, my beloved. It is right for me to have a companion even of my own sex. It would not be good for me to be alone or just go from person to person for the rest of my life.."

It was then I met Wayde. He was a marine. He lived with me for the next six months. It was a lesson in relating to a person but he would not be a companion to me for the rest of my life. I don't think anyone can companion me until I heal myself. Louise Hay the great metaphysical teacher says " You can not really love until you forgive. "

I spent some of my creative time writing lyrics for the solos I would be singing at Religious Science and Teaching of the Inner Christ. These two new age religious groups helped me heal some of the wounds of being a gay Mormon mostly with hugs.

The minister of the Religious Science Church in Salt Lake City, Reverend Albert Herd was the closest thing in my life time to having a father. He guided me to heal myself over this difficult period of the ending of my marriage, ending membership in the church, and ending my employment. He gained little but gave everything he could give. The teachings of these group were built upon unconditional love. I could not have survived otherwise. The healing would take a life time.

March 15, 1984 - Wednesday - " ....Reverend Albert Heard passed away last Sunday. I am feeling a great loss. I cried. I feel badly because I had not seen him for a few months. Rev. Al or Uncle Al's death enabled me to finish the words I was writing for the Star Wars Yoda theme music by John Williams. It essentially was a tribute to the teachings he gave to me during these last few years.

During the summertime I found a family of gay people surrounding me. Quite often I would tell my children that these friends of mine were gay to help them understand what the word 'gay' meant. Eventually I would have to tell them about myself being gay. I did so in the hope that they would be able to understand and not be ashamed of me.

I took my children for a visit to my own family in New York State during August 1984. For the most part it was positive. We had fun together except when my youngest child told me that a family member had taken him aside and told him " You're better than your father because you ( the child ) are a Mormon. "

My Aunt called from Arizona during my stay at my mother's house with my sons. She could have wished me well raising my sons but instead chose to tell me I was not going to heaven because I was a homosexual. I became defensive enough to say to her, " that would be fine since that would mean that she would not be where I would be. "

Some people think that it is their appointed job from the almighty to harrass or conjure the gayness out of us. If they could just hear the one out of tune note they were pounding they would stop. And she plays the piano.

September 7, 1984 - " I wish I could get rid of my old self or maybe that is what I have been trying to do. I want to begin again, away from all these haunting memories of Mormonism, failure and pain."

February 3, 1985 - Sunday -" My friend Heather and I went to the American Atheist Meeting. That was interesting but without the spiritual I am left empty.....I worked on my journals. I plan to draw material from them to use in an upcoming appearance in a proposed documentary for Australian television's equivalent of 60 minutes with George Negus. Lindal Marks will be here Tuesday for filming on Sunday February 10th for the documentary. "

March 10, 1985 - Sunday-" Trevor Southey arranged a meeting with Carol Lynn Pearson who is writing a book. I believe the book she was working on had to do with her husband. Trevor, Jim, David, Michael and I attended. Jim told me I sounded hostile. I feel no empathy for the Church's policies concerning gays. I lived them and experienced hell. "

I understood that the Church beliefs about my beliefs were totally opposite. What I could not and still do not understand is why they had to hunt us down as though we were criminals. Through rhetoric from the pulpit persuading others the I was not worthy of most forms of employment.

What about our mission in life? Has this spiritual persecution forced me from my appointed purposes. It had certainly thrown me into confusion. Confusion on whether to live. The Church murdered me in a way. Not only me but my family. True I moved out but only under the pressure of living a lie. Is this the perfecting of the saints, the work of the ministry or for the edifying of the body of Christ?

At this point I was coming to a knowledge that I did not what to be the Church's sacrificial lamb anymore. In fact I was sick of complaining about the Church. To leave the Church completely I would have to leave Utah.