June 9, 1979 -Saturday -" I handed in the letter requesting my excommunication. I moved my things out of my wife's apartment along with much of the furniture which my former wife did not want in the house to remind her of our relationship. I moved into my own apartment. Mary and I embraced last night and wept about our leaving each other. In the privacy of my new apartment and with the loneliness of not being able to tuck in my children and tell them stories as I did each night when I lived at home, I sobbed bitter tears all night. "
I thought that few people would know what it was like to say good bye to someone whom you believed you were united for eternity. Someone whom you loved but whom you knew would never be happy with you. To see your children's home no longer your own place of belonging.
Mary and I had few disagreements in our years of marriage. I was stern with her to a point I would always regret but I had also shared tenderness and love the best I could. We had several angry noisey arguments before I left. As I look back at my smashing household items in uncontrolled rage it was a way to say that it is better that I'm not here. While I seldom break material objects today, I find my frustration has increased to disagreeableness lending myself to be unfit for any type of relationship.
June 10, 1979 -Sunday -" Awoke to a horrible loneliness for my children.... but thank God the children came over to my new apartment. We went to Liberty Park near by and played. It was wonderful. We ate dinner. It was so beautiful with beautiful people all around and especially my dear sons. We walked through the Tracy Aviary. A nice day with my children. "
During this time I also had great empathy for my wife but I knew she would never be happy with me. I wanted for her to find a companion in life so I withdrew more and more from relating to her and often sorrowfully treated her with further withdrawal behavior.
There was trauma due to my family condition but added sorrow at my employment in the hospital. I wrote on June 15th 1979 "Kent, Allen , Shaylynn all passed away this year." They were children I worked with everyday. I felt like taking my own life not for being a homosexual but for losing my own beloved children, my close family relationship and all the newly added grief in my life.
June 17,1979- Sunday - " Called my children to tell them how much I appreciated my Father's Day presents and cards. I would give up being a homosexual if I could to have them in my home again everyday. I started several medications for depression but the anti-depressants only seem to make it worse. I appreciate all the visits by my children. I appreciate my wife bringing them also. I have learned what quality time with children entails. I have done everything humanly possible to give them a father even though I am not in a relationship with their mother anymore. "
July 5, 1979- Thursday -" My mother usually sends Christmas presents in July for our Christmas in July celebration but since I am separated she has stopped treating me as her son, as if I needed anymore punishment. I think she has been listening to our born again aunt who tells her I am going to hell. The children and I made Christmas cookies. I got them presents. I have a Christmas tree.
I met David Chipman who like myself was from New York State. He had been a member of the Orchard Park Branch near my home town of Buffalo, New York. David told me that he was a student at B.Y.U. but was expelled. He related that he went for a ride into the Provo Canyon with another male student who he thought was a person interested in forming a relationship with him. They arrived at a place of privacy and got comfortable.
David said in conversation with this man he touched the man's leg and security from B.Y.U. were swarming around his car. He was actually followed by security, entrapped by this fellow student, and was under some kind of arrest. He said he nearly drove off the road with his car several times as the security officers from B.Y.U. followed behind him back to campus to interrogate him.
He told me that he thought someone had been opening his mail where he lived off campus. He became very emotionally distressed all evening during our talk. He slept over and we cuddled. He did become aroused but l thought not to complicate either of our situations.
I felt sad that the B.Y.U. security were still behaving in a way that violated privacy especially off campus. It reminded me of my situation at B.Y.U. with security taking license plate numbers of the cars outside of Gay bars, inquisiting peoples names from those found to be gay. "
Later I was to learn from Jason ( former B.Y.U. student ) and his lover that David had gone to Brother Vaughn Featherstone for counsel. He was told to change his name to David Kennedy and was reported to be married. That was the desperate advise given in those days by men trusted with our eternal life.
It was also during this time I met up with one of my missionary companions in a gay bar. I knew he was a homosexual when I met him in the mission home. He seemed very flamboyant to me. So I had thought if he could go I could go.
David Chipman was thinking of rooming with me but after our talk, overnight cuddling and some telephone conversations he did not keep in touch. There seemed to be a myriad of people coming out of the woodwork who were gay and had similar experiences to mine during that period which were surfacing in my life.
July 13, 1979 - Friday -" Mary ( my wife ) read me the Deseret News article they did on the University Medical Center and the work I was doing there. After hearing it, I wept. "
I had been employed at the University of Utah Medical Center in Salt Lake City for several years. When I applied I was hired in a position on the pediatric ward as a children's play co-ordinator or therapist in charge of children's recreation, education and entertainment in a hospital setting.
I had worked with children frequently in my life. I was everything from a Methodist camp counselor to assistant art therapist at Granite Mental Health Children's Services. I was doing an excellent job at the hospital as illustrated by the Deseret News article Young Patients Given A Safe Place and The Pediatric Playroom Is Never Dull.
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The Pediatric Playroom Is Never Dull
He's an artist, a singer, a writer, an illustrator, an actor and a kid's best friend. To the kids in the
U.of U. Medical Center's Pediatric Ward, Don Attridge is invaluable. He's the man that takes the
drudgery out of being in the hospital.
Attridge is the Children's Play Coordinator for the Medical Center. (" You have to have a lot of
talents here, " he says.)
His pediatric education and entertainment program tries to give the young patients as much
outside exposure as possible. He schedules daily activities that give every patient some pleasant
experiences while in the hospital.
Despite his shoestring budget, his daily schedules are impressive; his juggling masterful. One day
it's piano, toys, and games, rock collection, wall mural painting, a visit from Smokey the Bear (
Attridge in disguise ), a cooking hour with marshmallow treats and a movie.
The next day it's visits from Hogle Zoo animals, crafts, swimming,( with written permission from
parents and doctors), musical instrument hour, Who am I ( with an historical person- Attridge in
costume-visiting each patient), crafts and more movies. Another day it's Nurse and Doctor make
believe, a visit from a local mountain man, art mural painting, swimming, making home made
ice cream, and origami ( Japanese paper folding ).
The next day brings a cookie monster decorating contest, writing a story, a puppet show, a popcorn party and a song fest with guitarist William Waterhouse. And, by the end of the week, Attridge still has energy for a treasure hunt, exploring with binoculars or microscopes, and a patio party. With Attridge at the Helm, there's never a dull moment in the pediatric playroom. Because the
man of boundless energy and good cheer has more tricks up his sleeve than a magician, more
charisma than a Pied Piper. No one appreciates him more than the sick children, unless it's their
parents.
" Don does a terrific job with the kids! " says one mother. " He does everything he can to keep
the kids occupied and happy.He has something even the most bedridden can do, even if it's just to
sit and talk to them. Parents sure appreciate him. My daughter still talks about him."
Teachers applaud Attridge for helping with the education of hospital-ridden children.
Forty-five percent of the kid's in Don"s pediatric playroom are terminal. Many of these children
will never see the outside again, and that makes Attridge's job especially trying.
" I love these kids, " he says. " We lost a 16 year old girl recently. You show a movie she really
digs and the next morning she's passed away. That's hard. Some days I just have to get away from
it all. "
" I take a burn-out day once a month and go away from everything. I think it's my makeup that
allows me to keep going. I've had a hell of a life. I can tolerate seeing the agony that children go
through because they need me so much and I want them to live so much. It takes a lot of energy."
In the playroom, he helps his little friends with stick loom weaving, needlepoint, ceramics,
leather crafts, painting or drawing. He encourages them and tells them even their sloppiest paint
job is " a beautiful piece. "
" Pick out the color you want to do and go ahead and do it," he encourages." You do what you
want to. I know you can handle it."
" Hang in there! " he calls to a patient who leaves the room to go down to surgery. " Good luck I
love you."
His rapport with the children is evident in every comment. He doesn't act as a parent or an
authority figure. He says he doesn't criticize or judge. He gives the kids choices and he lets them
make decisions. If a child wants to paint a ceramic cat purple, Attridge gives her the purple paint
and his blessing. If another child is worried about the head nurse getting mad, Attridge says "
Tough Noogies if we get in trouble. "
" Parents are always telling these kids what to do. Doctors and Nurses and everyone else orders
them around. I'm a little unorthodox in a lot of ways I do things. But I get it done. I do it my way.
I just try to give them a little power," he says....
" These kids need some sort of control over their lives, even if it's only painting their cat purple. "
The kids paint pictures for him and hang them on the wall. For them, Attridge is more than a
friend. He's a mentor, a mediary and even a lifesaver of sorts. In a hospital full of needles and
pins and tests and more tests, his playroom is the only refuge. He won't allow doctors and nurses
to examine children or give injections in his " safe room. "
Attridge puts in at least eight hours of overtime a week. " I love my work. I go home exhausted
every day, but it's a nice exhaustion. "
Every week the hospital gets about 20 new patients and Attridge learns all their names. " You get
close to all of them after a few days, " he says.
As play coordinator, Attridge also works with the volunteers who come in. Sometimes he works
with doctors to tell them how to better relate with children.
Naomi Anderson started the pediatric program about six years ago to take the load off nurses. "
They don't have time to do this with kids, " explains Attridge. He came to the program last May
from a job as an art therapist at Granite Mental Health.
" I had worked in the hospital before. A nurse told me they needed a new play coordinator and I
knew it was for me. I had costumes so I worked up a program where I'd wear a costume each
week and give the kids a little history lesson. "
The hospital liked Attridge's ideas and hired him for the position over five recreational therapists.
When he took over, he put up bookcases and a piano. He started several arts and crafts projects.
A sorority donated some musical instruments and Attridge implemented them into his program.
He sees his program as three dimensional--entertainment, educational and expression of
emotions.
" Besides crafts, I wanted the kids to act out and get rid of their aggressions. I have a play
operation where they operate on a doll. You wouldn't believe the shots they give it! "
He even takes the kids to movies around town with special hospital and parental permission. "
There are so many people who give to the program that it would be hard to credit them all, " he
says. " Movie tickets, films we see here and tickets to the Heber Creeper have all been donated. "
This month, he is planning a Christmas in July to break up the summer. He'll dress up as Santa
and give little presents to the kids. ( Anyone interested in donating should call......)
Attridge says he plans to stay at the hospital for another five years. Eventually, he'd like to start
his own school.
" I see a lot of kids who don't fit in, " he says. " I'd like to provide a school where they can fit in and their needs can be met. Children are my great love. " |
When I sought the position at the hospital I consciously wanted to support my wife and children. I believed I was the best person for the job. Claudia Berenson, the psychiatrist who interviewed me for the position loved my ideas for a new program for the children in the hospital. No one asked me my sexual orientation. The psychiatrist did not think that I was in any way a hinderance to the care of these terminally ill children.
Though I was to undergo great changes in my family life with separation from them I managed to give myself to my employment. I considered myself safer at the University Hospital than anywhere in Utah since the University was considered a seat of learning for many well educated and opened minded individuals in the state. I was to learn that there was no safe place for me anywhere.
July 16,1979 - Monday -" Contacted by Karl Idsvoog and Chad Dobson of Channel 2 News for a documentary about Homosexuality and the Mormon Church. It made me recall the documentary I had done earlier filmed by Andrew Welch for K.Q.E.D. in California. I will view the Welch documentary Monday with Karl to give me an idea of what to say in this documentary if I decide to participate in this informative work. "
July 23, 1979 - Monday - " Karl Idsvoog picked me up. We watched the Andrew Welch documentary at the Channel 2 studios. It is helping me prepare what I want to say. He drove me home and I gave him some Christmas cookies..... I still fear some type of reprisal from the Church, its security or a berserk member. "
My friend David ( not Chipman ) called. He worked in the genealogical department in the church office building. He had a gay male companion but lived with his parents. His mother was very ill. He had been questioned at work concerning being homosexual. He was turned in by a fellow employee. The Bishop was going to the Stake President with these reports so David was concerned how this would affect his mother's health. David decided to resigned his position. I tried to be empathetic.
October 9, 1979 -" Chad Dobson said he was filming the documentary with my face showing. I don't know if I am up to doing the filming that way. They told me that it was time to get the issue out of the shadows and speak openingly. Chad and Karl assured me if anything happened to my job the television station would endeavor to assist me in finding a new job or financial assistance until I became employed. Still I have been reviewing my journal so I can explain what I have been through in the Church."
Later I would learn from my roomate who was a radio commentator that Channel 2 News would deny even having started plans to film such a documentary. I was never given any assistance or validation from what was to follow as the end of my employment.
October 11, 1979 - " The Jay Welch Chorale is taping music for a Christmas Album. Many of the former members of the Tabernacle Choir are joining because in the Tabernacle Choir there has been new time and age limits. I think we sound better than the Tabernacle Choir.
I went to a local health spa. I was speaking to another Mormon who had been to B.Y.U. who had difficulties being gay there. He mentioned that Jason, one of the students I had turned in to security at B.Y.U. was there.
I begged for him to ask Jason if I could speak to him. When I walked up to Jason he said, " Bless Your Soul. " He was filled with forgiveness and kindness. He embraced me with a hug.
He spoke of the Teaching of the Inner Christ Movement which he and his companion had become a member. This group had given him the tools with which to forgive me. He had found a companion close to the time this whole B.Y.U. incident had occurred. He had a relationship with his partner for 13 years. I was amazed how he had forgiven me. Since I saw this behavior in him I started attending this church with them.
October 17, 1979 -" Jeff, a cystic fibrosis patient whom I had taken for a row boat ride with my children, his mother wrote a very praise worthy note to Dr. Glasgow at the Medical Center concerning the time I took to care for Jeff. It made me cry. I worked with a lot of children today. I love my position at the hospital. "
November 2, 1979 - " Tom started today with me in the Pediatric ward. He reminds me of an Irish leprechan. It will be great with more help as I have been taking care of the whole ward and other sections of the hospital by myself. Often I would go to the burn unit or cystic fibrosis clinic or psyche ward to help a child who needed a craft project, books or other recreation I had devised in my program for the children. "
November 12, 1979 - Monday -" I approached John Dwamn head of public relations for the University of Utah Medical Center. I told him I was going to be in a documentary about the Mormon Church and Homosexuality.
He asked me if I still was a homosexual. I looked at him in a bit of disbelief. Yes I am still a homosexual. Is it something I could give up for lent. I thought I was giving him enough warning so he could prepare an answer to the press if there was any problem. I realize that I am naive to think such a thing but I am so tired of lying to everyone.
I am judging that I am at the most liberal of all state institutions in Utah. I think I am protected and this would give him a way to explain that I was a good employee and the hospital would support my position to speak. "
My mind was concentrating on so many occurrences in my life that this one consciously did not seem to be a problem. This was not Brigham Young University Medical Center. It was a faculty who when in classes were many times very liberal educators open to free speech. My work with the children had received so much praise, positive community publicity and parental support I believed all would see me as an employee not as a threat. This was unfortunately, my fantasy.
November 13 1979- Tuesday - " Helen Kee and Kerma Jones the hospitals Head of Nursing and Head of Personnel requested me to come in to the personnel office. They informed me that John Dwamn had spoken to the Administrator of the hospital Jerry Smith. They said I had done an excellent job but I could not return to the pediatrics floor again that day. This would be my last day. They were willing to find me another job in the hospital. I did not want another job but if this meant I had no income then maybe I would allow them to show they were not without heart.
They told me that it would have been o.k. if I did not go public. I told them the documentary hadn't even been filmed as yet. They told me the hospital would be burned in effigy. The beds would be emptied. It would be too much stress for the families. They reported that the wealthy donors would withdraw their fundings for the hospital. I did not know where it came from within me but I had had enough. I responded that I would sue the hospital for denying my freedom of speech. "
November 14, 1979 - Wednesday -" Started filming the documentary. Karl was very candid as he started saying how do you feel now that you have lost your position at the University Hospital. I was sitting there in my room with cameras rolling.
Well I felt stupid for trusting any one. I felt that I had made perhaps the greatest misperception of my life. I had no idea the people would think I am an alien invader. I am the person that one everyone was praising for doing such a good job. It counts for nothing? I am in panic, shock, anger and absolute submission. "
December 7, 1979 - Friday -" Personnel offered many job leads but all of them were either a cut in pay or the staff who interviewed me had been informed I was gay which slowed the process drastically. The X-Ray Department questioned if I could be considered a risk to be left alone with the patients.
Were these people being rational. Personnel said I could not work directly with the patients again. Helen Kee and Kerma Jones told me they knew about gays in other areas of employment in the hospital but they were not appearing in this kind of documentary. The Administration did not want negative publicity. Nobody asked what I was going to say or how it was going to be handled. It entailed nothing derrogatory toward the hospital, unless they considered my hours of service to them as such. "
December 26, 1979 - Wednesday -" I have settled on a position in the hospital, sterilizing the surgical instruments and bed pans because there were no more funding made available nor time for monetary extension to be made to me. I had to take the job. When I went up to the Pediatric floor in a surgical gown, picking up the bed pans in front of the very children I had been a play therapist weeks before it proved too much and I resigned from the whole affair. I walked out of the hospital. "
I was completely irrational by this time from all the traumatic experiences that I did not even care that I had no money, no job and no self confidence.
It would take years before any law suit could be settled so from that period on I took any job available which might enable me to support myself and give my former wife support. The hospital and ( indirectly the community influenced by the Church ) never realized by denying me employment they were punishing my family who depended on some type of support from me. Before this time I believed I gave 200.00 a month but after the job loss I became less capable of maintaining my obligations.
December 30, 1979 - Sunday -" I was excommunicated last Sunday. The reason I feel little sorrow is it is the first time I have taken control of my own life. Where I am, no one in the Church can hurt me any longer. Now in the place of eternal separation from my Church I am at least what I consider safe distance from the pain I have experienced. I can still speak with my Creator without being abused.
Through the struggle of over a dozen therapists, counsel from the Apostle and President of the Church, Spencer W. Kimball, Aversion Shock Therapy at the hands of Dr. Robert Card, a full time mission, employed in the Temple, member of the Tabernacle Choir, marriage in the Temple, children, family life, Strict obedience to the commandments for several years into the marriage, Hours on my knees begging God to lift this homosexuality from me, I have come to complete realization that I am still a homosexual.
I have fought the fight! I have done all I knew humanly possible. And still I am a homosexual and not a heterosexual. If there is no other way as President Kimball has indicated, To Me, There Is No Way. I have knocked on the door till my knuckles were bloody now I take them and place healing salve on them and wrap them up in cloth to heal once again. The door is closed. I did not close it. I do not believe I can knock again in such a manner as I have done. I did not lose my testimony of the Church. The Church lost my testimony.
In the words of the Dicken's character in my favorite movie Scrooge " Take me from this place
there is only sorrow here."